I got a REAL eye-opener...

[Lloyd95]

Me, too. I think Junsui is probably one of us as well. Bad-@ss girls unite!!

You're not a bad-@ss girl! Please.

[Tone]

hahahahaha

[misombra]

You're not a bad-@ss girl! Please.

oh no you didn't.

[shh!]

Well, OK, maybe not bad, but definitely not good, either. I am way to mean (at least on the inside) and progressive to be considered "good" in the traditional sense. "Good" people to me would be people like Independent, Rosebud and Bluevette. Bluevette would probably choke the life out of me given the chance.
:-)

[independent]

Yeah... I dont want to be good anymore LOL

[Lloyd95]

"Good" people to me would be people like Independent, Rosebud and Bluevette. Bluevette would probably choke the life out of me given the chance.
:-)

Huh? Bluevette? I agree with Rosebud. How about Ellynn, TAVS, Frenchy maybe?

[shh!]

No, Ellynn is one of us, but TAVS is "good". I don't know about Frenchy. She puts up with too much crap to be one of us, but is too kinky too be considered traditionally good.

[TAVS]

I use to be bad, but 6 months ago I started to try and change that....it's a slow process

[shh!]

And yet MORE evidence that I am not "good", because I LIKE being bad and don't intend to try to change. I have embraced the true nature of my character.

:-)

[Rosebud]

I plead the 5th!!!

[whaywardj]

Well, sounds as if you're having a good read there, Independent. I wonder which demographic during pre-sale the market research indicated the book would most appeal to? Point of the question is to offer up a reminder to not confuse who you are with what similarities you might share with given market segment.

[independent]

Honestly I dont know. I'd never heard of the book or the author... until I was on amazon to check out that book mentioned on Oprah a week or so ago. I surfed around for maybe 40 minutes - checking out different authors, novels, related books, etc... and this one made it onto the 'related' list so I checked it out. Decided to add it to my order.

It certainly has my attention right now, and I imagine I may even read it again once I get to the end. It has really helped me get past the whole "why, why, why??" phase of this recent breakup... and is making me feel a lot better about things in general (past, present & future).

I hope my other 3 books are as good

[whaywardj]

Does it say anything about why we all seem to go through the "why phase" at all?

[independent]

Does it say anything about why we all seem to go through the "why phase" at all?

I guess its just human nature to try to analyze the reason behind a negative experience. As much to 'get an answer', as to try to understand so as to avoid a similar experience in the future.

It isnt a "breakup book" - doesnt go into detail about those phases. Its more of a "how to hold your own in a relationship" book. I'm finding it to be very thought provoking... not just in romantic relationships, but in ALL relationships in my life.

My relationship with my son, for example. Two things are going through my mind as I read along and apply it all to "men in my life". The first is that "doormat vs dreamgirl" are part of a broader character or personality - and I'm noticing myself as a whole... not just as a "girlfriend". So the thought occurred to me last night of whether I am a "doormat" or a "dreamMOM". Just a random thought as to how I relate to my son, which is much the same as I relate to other men in my life.

The second thought being: "I dont want to raise my son to expect this from all women he may meet". I've always had this thought nagging me in the back of my mind - and even more so since I've been a single mother for the last six years. There's no positive male role model there... and I work hard at (but struggle with) trying to raise him "better".

I tend to overcompensate where my son is concerned. We've been through some BS and I make a serious effort to "give him a good life". To keep things stable. To keep things calm. To teach him good values. etc etc etc.

I'm realizing now that I am also teaching him that women are there to make life easier on me... to some extent. I can see myself 10 or so years from now apologizing to his poor wife LOL LOL


So last night he had a situation with his "friday night plans". He and I were home alone - my daughter was visiting her father. He wasnt sure if he wanted to go to a party one of his friends was having... or go skating with another group of his friends.

He presents a solution to me: "I'll just go to the party, then I'll call you an hour or so into it if I want to leave there and go skating".

Having read most of this book already (LOL) I saw that in a totally different light than I normally would. Usually I would carry a cell phone if I had plans of my own - so that I could "be available" for him. I never want to "not be there for him" (overcompensating for lack of parental involvement in my own childhood).

He was pleased with his solution, I could tell. I paused for a minute before I answered, and then told him (nicely):

Yes, that would work - but I am not sure yet whether I am going to go out or stay home and rest tonight. So when you call me at around 8'ish... I'll either not be here, or I'll be asleep. So you should decide now what you want to do, and I will take you there.

I ended it with a smile and a wink and said "What I want to do is important too - and after 7pm... I'll be doing something until around 10".

It took him half an hour of hem-hawing to decide to go skating instead of to the party. I never gave in, or even acknowledged the "talking out loud". If he was directing a comment at me, I'd just look at my watch and say "well, you'd better decide quick".

I dropped him off at the skating rink and I went and got a bite to eat. Out of town. Without a cell phone. I came home at 10 o'clock. He'd called twice, but I didnt return those calls. I just waited until it was time to pick him up... and I showed up there on time.

Conversation went like this:

Me: "Did you have a good time?"

Him: "yes"

Me: "good! (smile)"

Him: I tried to call you like twice

Me: I was out to dinner - wasnt home

Him: No big deal. I got bored and wanted to come home. But since I couldnt get ahold of you, I got unbored and then I had a good time anyway.


He relies on me too much. I made it that way, of course. I'm a good mom. There's really no reason to overcompensate like I have all these years. None at all - except out of my own insecurities and my "issues" with my own childhood. I'll ruin him in the opposite direction if I'm not careful! LOL

He's 14 years old - not 4. Just like my boyfriend was 37 years old - not 7. What I am learning through this book is that I have given up a large part of "ME" (what I like, what I want, who I AM) to be a mother, and to be a girlfriend - among other things.

And that is where my unhappiness comes from.

I've actually always known this. I advise my sister all the time to "get a life", "get your own friends" and "do your own thing". "You have to make YOURself happy" I say to her. You cant depend on your husband to know what you want, or what to do... or to even "do it right". GET HAPPY first, then you'll be happier together.

Maybe that advice I gave her came from my own subconcious trying to scream the same at me.


I'm too NICE. The situation with my son last night was not unlike a boyfriend making plans around me being entirely too flexible. It turns me into a DOORMAT. In the end, nobody is happy with that.

[independent]

To make a long story short - yes, I am really enjoying this book.

And that is why I was offended at your quip, TAVs, about me "being in love with the book" and linking to it so people could see what I was referring to if they wanted.

I apologize for being defensive. The book is bringing up some stinging personal issues... and that's where I'm at with it mentally. If I hadnt been so personally connected to it, I probably would have taken your comments as lightely as they were intended. Truce?