Need advice on a situation

[apiman]

I read that yesterday and was aware of it; I'm just reiterating that statement. The first time I read that I didn't think I would have to go at it like that.

I've figured out four reasons why I liked her.

1. She was the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen.

2. She never rejected me in the sense that she never told me to leave her alone or acted negative toward me.

3. Three and four are kinda the same thing, but she never made it seem like I was weird and left me alone.

4. She took it upon herself to talk to me and flirt with me. The fact that she did it for her own amusement isn't really the point.

These pretty much sum everything up. The first one can't be argued since it's a fact. Two through four were because of her amusement and not because she found any interest in me.

[sfalexi]

1) Obviously you haven't seen the latest Victoria Secret fashion show. Cause THEY have what I consider to be some of the most beautiful women in the world.

2) Either girls haven't either. You said yourself that you dated other girls and had other girls that wanted to be your girlfriend.

3) See number two.

4) Again, see number two.

You're fixated. Obsessed with her. And that's not good. You have to drop that obsession and go on with life. Find a way. If you have to go to counseling, you have to. It's not healthy and you're gonna be doomed for future relationships if all you can think of is this one girl who teased/flirted with you in high school years ago. You never even dated her. I see no real reason why you even SHOULD be attached. Oh yeah. I forgot that her "presence" made you run faster. That's clearly a good reason to obsess about her and not move on with life.

Allright. Well, either you listen to the advice we gave, or you make up reasons to "prove us wrong" so that you can just ignore our advice and do your own thing.

Alexi

[apiman]

Your advice makes perfect sense, and in order to make it even more valuable I have to offer up arguments or excuses in order to clear my mind of any doubt.

The obvious message I've received through your help is that she never knew me and I never really knew her. However, doesn't that statement mean I have every chance still to be her friend? If she doesn't know me, then she doesn't know whether I could be a friend or not. If she did know me and said she didn't feel comfortable, then that's a clear message that I should leave her alone. But, it's makes complete sense to be uncomfortable talking to somebody you don't know anything about. Do you disagree that I should at least give it a try? Again, I know I've said this several times, but it's not like she's against talking to me on the phone. I can tell from what she says and how she says it that she didn't have a problem speaking to me, but as soon as I ask if I can just talk, she becomes uncomfortable. I guess I don't see how that's really anything bad or a sign I should forget about her.

[IceQueen]

apiman
Imagine your own behavior if:
1) a girl you liked kept calling and trying to talk to you
2) a girl you DIDN'T like kept calling and trying to talk to you.

Describe your reaction in those two cases. Compare her reaction to you to your own reaction in those two cases.

[apiman]

Are you using the world "like" as in want to be more than friends or as in not hating the person?

If it's the first definition, there are girls I don't like or want to be their girlfriend, but I'm friends with them and enjoy talking to them.

If it's the second, I can't believe she dislikes me because she doesn't have a problem with talking to me; the first time I called her a month ago she started to ask common things like where I'm going to college, if I enjoyed school, etc. It's not like she wanted me to finish up with what I was asking and then hung up. She actually said I could call her again, so I just don't believe she dislikes me. I can't expect her to like me as a person because she doesn't know me.

The only issue I see here is whether she wants to like me and is willing to become my friend. If she couldn't care less and would rather I not call, then that's that. Plus, if she didn't care at all she would have said ok well I don't feel comfortable talking to you and I'd rather you not call me anymore. Instead, she said she would call me when she has time, so she is at least if anything being nice and giving me some sort of chance I suppose. Again, if she doesn't call me back, it's probably because she forgot moreso than she just didn't feel like calling. However, if she did forget, then it's definate not that important to her and I should call her one last time to apologize for bothering her.

Again, I hope you don't think I'm arguing with you, trying to convince you I'm right, or living in a state of denial. I'm just trying to offer up everything that comes into my mind as a possible rebuttle in hopes you can give a response to it.

[LightOn]

APIMAN: Consider letting her go! You already showed her some interest in getting to know her better, she has the ball. If she wants to carry on with getting to know you in anyway shape or form(meaning just friends), she will throw the ball back. I am not stating that you are planning to keep trying to contact her but, you have done your part, now give her a chance to do hers! If she does not respond, then your answer is she has nothing she "wants" to offer you.

IceQueen: Her Indifference to him, may "seem" like her unconditional love for him, to him. I don't have a PHD, so I will not preach my concept of love anymore to you....as it seems to been all twisted quite possibly by words I chose to use. All I can say is, My "vision" of love is not materialized like most peoples. When I say needs I am referring to things they may not even know they need.

[IceQueen]

Plus, if she didn't care at all she would have said ok well I don't feel comfortable talking to you and I'd rather you not call me anymore.

Ha. Haha. Ha. Yeah, right. It would especially be consistent with "She took it upon herself to talk to me and flirt with me. The fact that she did it for her own amusement isn't really the point."

My "vision" of love is not materialized like most peoples.

Materialized? Most people's vision of love is materialized?
???

[sfalexi]

Did you consider that the reason she didn't say outright that she doesn't want you calling is because she doesn't want to be so rude? Or maybe even because she doesn't know how people react and hope that just by ignoring you you'd get the hint instead of telling you outright and possibly triggering a stalking situation? My girlfriend was stalked when she told someone outright that she didn't want to hang out with them anymore. She had to get a restraining order. Maybe she's trying to let you down easy. By NOT making the moves. I've done it to people, people have done it to me.

I suggest that you DON'T call her back. Give her that week. She's real busy this week. Could be a lie, could be the truth (considering christmas). If she doesn't call in the following week at all and agree to a time to meet, just forget about it. Don't call her to apologize. If she really cared she would call you and apologize to you and tell you the straight story.

So if she doesn't call you in that week, move on. And don't compare girl's beauty with her. Cause girls are beautiful in different ways. And since you never actually even got a chance to know the true her, don't compare people's personalities with her. Cause you never knew hers (just bringing this stuff up cause I can somehow see you gauging whether a girl is good enough to date or not by comparing them to your dream girl - which you believe is her even though you never knew her)

Alexi

[LightOn]

Originally posted by IceQueen
Materialized? Most people's vision of love is materialized?
???

Websters definition of materialized = to render material, to give bodily form to, to become fact.

I was not referring that your vision is materialized. I am done debating, I see no diplomatic resolution coming out of this....

[IceQueen]

I'm not debating what you said, I simply don't understand what you meant. Most people's definition of love is factual? Material? I don't get what you're trying to say.

[LightOn]

Giving things because you "might" think someone wants it......the list goes on. As in like buying their love, not necissarily with just gifts, but under false and infatuating reasons. You know how some people say they fell in love at first site type of deal, because they were the most attractive person ever? They turn the girl/guy into material(an object) because they focus on how much they want that person instead of considering the person as equal as they are and having their own feelings. So they "claim" to be in love, due to the "wanting" them so badly.

[apiman]

She's was rather up front with what she was up to at the time and why she wasn't able to speak at the time during the three phone calls. You can argue that she is just a very good liar, but I'm sure she is not about any of this by the way she talks about it.

With that said, I'll be sure to give her all of next week and probably one more week after that, but I feel I must speak with her at least one more time. There are a few things I must clear up if I intend on forgetting her. Besides, if it comes to the point where I must call her back in three weeks, it doesn't matter how she feels toward me calling. The only thing that I will be concerned with is getting those thoughts stuck in my head out.

[IceQueen]

LightOn,

I now understand what you mean, and I completely agree with what you're saying.

And I also feel that it's very relevant to apiman's situation. He only is infatuated with her for her looks, without knowing what she's really like (and not really liking what he knows of her personality), and yet he wants her to like him for his personality.

[apiman]

I'm not sure that I dislike what I know about her personality because I don't know what's she's like today. I know that it bothers me a bit that she purposely lead me on, toying with my mind and enjoying it. That part I don't like, but I don't know if she's still like that or not. I do like that she wanted to help me when I first called her a month ago when I explained my situation with running. She tried to give me some advice on the matter and said she would keep me in her prayers, but of course that could be because she was really speachless and that's all she could come up with.

[LightOn]

She may not be trying to hurt you, as flirting takes place every single day, and we don't have people running around like chickens with their heads cut off. Flirting is going to happen, it is natural for humans to want to flirt, regardless of wether the other person is attractive to us or not. Please understand that. I think you may be expecting more out of her, remember she is a person with needs and wants just like everyone out there. If she has not taken your bait, it's time to find a new fishing spot.

IceQueen: Sorry it took so long to resolve that.