Need advice on ex situation please.

[Time Piece]

A little background, my fiancés last BF was abusive to her (how much I do not know), they where in a relationship for some two years and have been apart for two years now as well.

She is friends with all her ex’s and talks to them every so often. Since I have been dating her to my KNOWLEDGE this particular ex that I’m talking about (her last) has called her on the phone to yell obscenities at her, come over to her place unannounced twice, once to supposedly get some old stuff she has of his, and this last time he was falling apart and threatened to commit suicide while banging on her door.

I have asked for her to let me talk to him or the police and in BOTH cases she has refused.

The last incident happened in the beginning of August. During our time together I have talked to her about the idea of cutting ties with him altogether, shortly after the last incident she told me “I told him to never contact me again and I have severed all emotional and friendship ties with him”.

I told her that it’s too bad things had to go that way but agreed that he was just to unstable and it was the correct choice to do so.

Fast forward to just this last week. While talking to her on the phone she accidentally (accidentally on purpose?) stated he had called her to let her know that she had some old mail at his place. She returned his call they started to talk and she told me that “I’m kicking around the idea of running my new business address through his house so I can separate it from my personal address”.

She also stated that she was thinking of allowing him to sell her car for her. In BOTH cases these are things she could have easily done with myself. I pointed out to her that she was going back on her word about contacting him but she says she did not and that she simply replied to his call and one thing led to another and they came up with these ideas.

I told her I wanted her to keep her word and not talk to or see him again and that I could (and she knew I could) do those things for her.

She told me it was just a thought.

A few days later I go over to her place unannounced and lo and behold there is a different car in the driveway and hers is gone.

You guessed it, with a little sleuthing I found out behind my back she went to see him, exchanged cars, so he could sell her car for her and he gave her his car to drive around in the mean time. Again, something I could have easily done for her and in FACT we had talked about before.

She has told me twice now that it is a “loaner” when I now know with 100% accuracy it is not and that in fact it is his.

Thoughts?

Also, am I within my rights to ask her to never see or talk to him again?

[Zilla80]

Yeah man that is F-ed up. I don't know why girls love to continue to put themselves in bad situations. An abusive ex who keeps causing trouble yet she'll find her way back to him time and time again.

I don't think it's wrong at all for you to ask her not to see him. He poses a danger to her well-being, both physical and emotional! TALK TO HER!! Don't take any shit from her either.

[NOLA CBD]

LOTS of red flags here. I've been cheated on before by a girl I dated for 4 years. I hate to say this, but something is most certainly not right. You are absolutely right to ask her to cut off all ties. Her actions have one common theme, and that is dishonesty. With my ex, I picked up on a lot of subtle clues, but I trusted her. It was the same thing... innocent sounding explanations, etc. It is obvious to me that they must be talking at length on a normal basis... you dont just come out and ask your ex to sell a damn car. Seriously. The car probably came out in a much longer, more wide-ranging conversation between the two of them.

Bottom line is that your situation has all of the hallmarks of a cheater. In just about every case of infidelity, the other partner's instincts are almost always correct. But this is your fiance. You've asked her to spend the rest of her life with you, so you obviously lover her. If so, perhaps you two can work through this even if the worst case is realized. I hope that there isn't anything going on. But if I were you, I would be extremely worried. Good luck with it.

[Dasein]

If this ex has really been abusive and has done things to make her scared there is no way that she would want contact with him.

She is doing things in an underhanded fashion. If you have nothing to hide in a relationship you are often transparent.

Also what is the deal about having the mail directed through to his house??? I'm sorry but it seems like she is creating links to this guy.

The car situation is just wrong as well. I can't quite understand it.

As to your question...many people don't like being given ultimatums. I understand that it is how you feel but maybe for now just speak to her about it. Say that you have doubts as to her intent to disconnect from this person and that you feel that she is being less than honest with you.

Tell her that you need to be with someone who is honest and that you would prefer that she severs ties with him. Give evidence based reasons as well not feelings.

[Only-virgins]

she says she did not and that she simply replied to his call and one thing led to another and they came up with these ideas.

Oh man, what an obvious excuses and a typical line everyone has heard before.

sorry dude.