New relationship... first fight? I want sex, he doesnt?!

[babycarrot]

When I wrote "Although part of it is based on my physical desire for me (which, trust me, is there) but the more upseting factor is what does it imply? " in the last post... I meant my physical desire for HIM (not me).. if I desired me this would be a lot easier (haha)

[GrkScorp]

Do you think she was actually born with the last name Cox?

Well, she IS from the UK.. but I don't think so.. Chances of being a body-language and sex expert with that name is a little TOO lucky..

Great reads though, funny, interesting.. husband & wife friendly.. plus I think you'd really connect with this particular author..

[Tedel]

When I first told him that I liked him, he told me he was shocked because he thinks I am way out of his league, and was suprised he was even on my radar! I personally think we are on a fairly even playing field..

mm... I think you hit the nail on the head without noticing. Sometimes, men believe they are "too little" to be with a girl who's "more wonderful" than themselves and they start feeling "sorry" for being part of the relationship. I think this might be his case.

You can call it a self-esteem problem because it is a self-esteem problem.

I'm not any psychologist (and I'm not saying he needs one), but I think some tender reassurance could work in this case. Many times, a man wants to find that with his girl: tenderness and just that. Have you tried to give sex a break to attend his emotions a little more for a few days? Maybe that is what he needs to feel comfortable again and bring back his libido.

[GrkScorp]

but I think some tender reassurance could work in this case. Many times, a man wants to find that with his girl: tenderness and just that.

I couldn't resist..

Use the classic approach:

- Next time you're at it.. "Oh! Ah! Oh my g-d! Slow down! Not so fast! It hurts! It's too big! What's with you today? What did you feed that thing? Give me a little time before you go in all the way" Ego problem solved..

(Note: That was just a joke)

On a more serious note though, if self-esteem seems to be his issue.. then the first thing I have to personally stress is (DO NOT use DIRECT suggestions or attempts to boost up his ego)..

Examples: "You look good today.. wow! look at you!.. you're so smart sweety.. You're the best.. I'm so lucky to have you.."

It comes off as fake, and that's because you appear to have the intention of trying to build up his esteem.. Implying that he needs it.. and that's something the male ego can't take (from a lover).. Think of it like telling him "I don't think your penis is THAT small.. it's just fine"

So, what can you do to boost up his self-esteem?

- Overt & Direct methods won't work.. they'll have the opposite effect, which is exactly what you don't want! Instead, your tools of choice will be Covert & Indirect methods.. These are effective simply because they free you from looking like you're trying to boost his ego.. and make him feel useful/good/better because HE will reach that conclusion on his own.. without your (direct, visable) help..

Examples:

- Are you proud of him? Sure you can say it to him.. but what do you DO to make him feel this? Start to make him feel like you're showing him off like some trophy to your family and friends.. As if you feel you're proud to have him next to you, to call him your boyfriend.. Arrange a girl's night out.. and ask him to come.. if he says "no", respond (Oh come on! I told everyone you're comming, and they all love you! They were all psyched when I told them you're comming.. you're such a party pooper).. at the girl's night out.. let him shine.. make sure you bring ONLY good-looking friends out that night.. it's quite intoxicating for a low-self-esteem guy to start to get comfortable with the feeling of being seen around good-looking women in public.. to add to this effect, go to a place that people know him or that familiar faces will see him..

- Do you value him? Better question, does he feel like he's useful, needed, or provides any value? Simple things such as "I'm short, can you reach up and get that thing over there on top?".. or "Can you open this up for me?".. or.. "Can you come with me? I'm getting back late and I don't feel safe comming back home all alone".. for an increased effect, try and listen for what he's proud of.. what he identifies as his best quality/skill/talent.. that is to say, what he's proud of being able to offer to others, better than anyone else.. and make him feel special because he can offer that to you..

- Association & Contrast: This one is simple.. Associate him with POSITIVE qualities.. "you look just like.. I was watching that movie today and I just realized that you talk just like.." (Make sure it's positive, for instance, people tell me I look like Tom Cruise all the time, but I HATE Tom Cruise.. so make sure it's someone he likes, or wants to be like.. and go beyond looks..).. then, Contrast him with NEGATIVE qualities.. Girly-Catty-Games-101: In High School, all girls do with a guy they like is tell him how he's the best guy in the whole grade/school.. and how they HATE so-&-so.. and rest easy knowing that so-&-so is someone who this guy also HATES.. "the enemy of my enemy is my friend".. So if he hates some guy, or thinks of some guy as a loser, simply contrast him and that guy.. The implication is that HE (your bf) is NOT like that guy he hates.. which is OK.. because he HATES him.. there's something negative about that guy.. so it has the effect of an indirect compliment..

Now, i'm a guy, who's strait.. so i've never had a boyfriend to use any of this on.. and most of my girl-friends have actually suffered from the exact opposite situation; (abusive boyfriends).. but these are all SAFE things to do.. They work mostly on self-image and partly on ego.. They help create a stable perception/realization of self-worth & value.. without "gassing-up" the person..

Best,

GrkScorp