My Situation......**Please HELP** ADVICE NEEDED!!

[Gigabitch]

Who is going to take care of Steve's kids if you split up?

I don't think you should buy the "New Steve" line. I know what I'm talking about. My ex went into rehab two days after I told him that I had finally had enough and was leaving him and wanted me to stay. I didn't because I had been through 11 years of yo-yo-ing and getting jerked around by him. If I had taken him back, he'd still be a great big drunk and I'd be miserable. Don't do it.

I say kick Steve out but don't think Jay is going to come riding in on a white horse and save the day. He's been great so far, but so far, none of this shit has actually been his responsibility. He's just "helping out". Put the reins on him, though, and it's a pretty heavy load to pull.

Face it, honey, you've got a hell of a lot of baggage. You've got a passel of kids and a record of very bad judgment. Are you ready to stand on your own? You'd better be. Jay might be a lovely man and all, but this is your own mess and you'd better be damned sure you can handle it by yourself.

[whaywardj]

Hey, i was reading through above and noticed alot of help being given i was wondering wether anyone could me...

It is very, VERY rude to hijack another person's thread.

[whaywardj]

Who is going to take care of Steve's kids if you split up?

I don't think you should buy the "New Steve" line. I know what I'm talking about. My ex went into rehab two days after I told him that I had finally had enough and was leaving him and wanted me to stay. I didn't because I had been through 11 years of yo-yo-ing and getting jerked around by him. If I had taken him back, he'd still be a great big drunk and I'd be miserable. Don't do it.

I say kick Steve out but don't think Jay is going to come riding in on a white horse and save the day. He's been great so far, but so far, none of this shit has actually been his responsibility. He's just "helping out". Put the reins on him, though, and it's a pretty heavy load to pull.

Face it, honey, you've got a hell of a lot of baggage. You've got a passel of kids and a record of very bad judgment. Are you ready to stand on your own? You'd better be. Jay might be a lovely man and all, but this is your own mess and you'd better be damned sure you can handle it by yourself.

x100! Ah, well. So much for the virtues of the 'open relationships' experiment. Sounds to me like a bunch of unfocused people being jerked around by their own immediate gratifications. Too bad they had to drag kids into their party-hearty pictures. And that's my advice: you all have done the damage you've done. Now it might be time to prioritize steps you have to take to minimize collateral damage to your children. Which means quit thinking about yourself so damned much and think about someone else (who is helpless!) for a change. Can you do that?

[Yggdrasil]

Well, didn't you get yourself into a nice mess.

This is how I see it: you had an open relation and agreed on swinging. 'Steve' took that pretty serious I'd say, so, that's something you agreed upon since the beginning. No use feeling crappy about it now.

If you guys agreed after you got married to cut the swinging habbit, well, then that's a different story, because then, he's been cheating on you.

'Steve' also seems to be unable to break with his old habbits, namely, swinging and drinking.

So, it appears there's little hope for change there, even if he's going to AA.

My advice on this part: leave him. This doesn't have to be permanent. If you want to give him a chance, sure, give him that chance, but he'll have to prove himself, and that is not going to happen overnight. So, the appropreate move to make would be to go live by yourself with your kids and have him do the work required to save what's left of your marriage.

So much for 'Steve'.

When it comes to Mr. 'Jay', I think you're attracted to him because he's giving you what 'Steve' is not giving you: emotional satisfaction. That tells me something about you. It tells me that you have an emotional void, which you now are filling with the attention of another guy.

Chances are very good, that 'Jay' and 'Steve' have the same kind of personality types and you're just in for a repeat.

Again, the appropreate course of action would be to go living by yourself and to learn to take care of your own emotional and other needs. The basic idea behind this is: you can not have a healthy, mature relation or marriage, before you are able to live a healthy and fullfilling life as a single person (with or without kids). So this is something you have to take care off, for yourself. If required, seek professional help in the form of counseling.

So in both cases my advice to you is to go live by yourself and get yourself and the children out of this toxic marriage.

Where the advice differs is when it comes to your choice of partners: if you want to wait for 'Steve' to get his act together, that's your choice. I wouldn't recommend repeating the same with 'Jay'.

What most people don't understand is that in a toxic (or dysfunctional) relation, BOTH partners have toxic behaviour. You first have to take care of your own toxic behaviour before you can enter a healthy relation.

What most people also don't understand is that people who chose dysfunctional partners, are usualy dysfunctional themselves and set themselves up for repeated dysfunctional cycles with several dysfunctional partners.

You are given an oppurtunity to break this toxic cycle in your life. Why not go for it and eventually somewhere in the future, have the possibility to have a healthy relation, with a healthy partner?

Your choice.

[Yggdrasil]

Christ, why the hell does she type so much? And on threads that'll older than she is....

If you're talking about me, you not only dropped bellow zero on my respect meter (as indicated in an earlier post) but you also dropped bellow zero on my IQ meter, since you don't seem to know the difference between the male and female symbol.

Now have a cookie and go play with kids of your own age.

[thamy17]

it sounds like you and steve had some really great times and really rough times (like most relationships)...still lying and deceit plus alcoholism is a lot to get through...on top of the fact that, it seems like the thrill is gone for you.

if you can make it, financially on your own...or if steve is really willing to help you, then i think it might be time to move out. as for the kids, it won't help them much to be around an alcoholic father...one who is gone most weekends, sleeping around, and getting into trouble.

as for jay...who knows, maybe its love...but, it might not last either. its a stroke of luck to find that right one who will be around for the long haul. falling in love makes you blind to all the things that can cause separation in the relaitonship later. so, i'm saying...i wouldn't bet on it.

really ask yourself if you want out of the relationship with steve for its own sake, regardless of what you feel for jay.

what would be best for the kids too?