Relationship of 4.5 years ended, but I'm going to propose. Advice?

[TimeToGrowUp]

BlueSum nailed it. A wedding ring isn't going to make your problems go away.

I know they don't just poof and go away.

I can't figure out a way for her to see I mean business. Talk is just talk after that much time has passed. I've only been able to talk to her when she responds with a thank you after I've texted her on how proud I am of her recent completion of two fitness competitions.

Really hurtin' bad today.

[pisces7378]

I can't figure out a way for her to see I mean business.

I KNOW you don't want to hear this man. But the ONLY way you are going to show her that you mean business is by leaving her alone.

100% no contact. Picture it. She gets home. House is empty. Keys hit the kitchen counter. She's still alone. She has time to think. She puts food away. Checks the messages, calls her friend back. They talk about the day. She gets off the phone. She's still alone. The Lean Cuisine or Amy's dinner for one is out of the microwave. She's watching TV alone. She's telling herself that she is happy she has this time to herself.

She checks her phone, absolutely sure to find a text or a message from you. Nothing. Hmmmm... that's strange. Back to TV. Dinner's over, and it really wasn't all that good. There's nothing on TV. Checks the emails. Nothing but bullshit chain mail from her mom and aunt. She checks Facebook, certain that you've left her something. Nothing.

So she checks out your profile. Nothing's different. But she still goes through each of your photos... you know, just to make sure. Computer's off. She's bored. She picks up her cell phone and flips through it, looking for someone to call. No one seems like the person she'd really like to talk to.

She'll do that for a week, and trust me man... things will be fine.

But the longer you call her, text her, emails her, write her, stop by, beg, or EVEN see her and smile... YOU ARE FCUKING UP!!!

Walk away. Let her think. Show her that you CAN give her what she needs. Space. She just needs time. She just needs to remember what it was she liked about your dumb ass to begin with.

Grow up. Leave her alone. It'll be fine.

[TimeToGrowUp]

I KNOW you don't want to hear this man. But the ONLY way you are going to show her that you mean business is by leaving her alone.

100% no contact. Picture it. She gets home. House is empty. Keys hit the kitchen counter. She's still alone. She has time to think. She puts food away. Checks the messages, calls her friend back. They talk about the day. She gets off the phone. She's still alone. The Lean Cuisine or Amy's dinner for one is out of the microwave. She's watching TV alone. She's telling herself that she is happy she has this time to herself.

She checks her phone, absolutely sure to find a text or a message from you. Nothing. Hmmmm... that's strange. Back to TV. Dinner's over, and it really wasn't all that good. There's nothing on TV. Checks the emails. Nothing but bullshit chain mail from her mom and aunt. She checks Facebook, certain that you've left her something. Nothing.

So she checks out your profile. Nothing's different. But she still goes through each of your photos... you know, just to make sure. Computer's off. She's bored. She picks up her cell phone and flips through it, looking for someone to call. No one seems like the person she'd really like to talk to.

She'll do that for a week, and trust me man... things will be fine.

But the longer you call her, text her, emails her, write her, stop by, beg, or EVEN see her and smile... YOU ARE FCUKING UP!!!

Walk away. Let her think. Show her that you CAN give her what she needs. Space. She just needs time. She just needs to remember what it was she liked about your dumb ass to begin with.

Grow up. Leave her alone. It'll be fine.

I am such a dumb ass. No doubt. Such a freaking dumbass.

[bluesummer]

Don't get down on yourself about it. Just do it the right way.

You think you hurt bad now, imagine what it would do to you to have your proposal shot down? A proposal should come when your relationship is stable and both parties are committed to having a great, lifelong relationship together.

Case in point: my fiance. He was dating some girl for almost three years, and it was pretty rocky from what I understand. She couldn't make up her mind about being with him, and he proposed to her (I think to finally get her to make up her mind). She said no, got angry, and told him he was just trying to "hold her back". It still stings, I can tell when he talks about it.

[TimeToGrowUp]

Don't get down on yourself about it. Just do it the right way.

You think you hurt bad now, imagine what it would do to you to have your proposal shot down? A proposal should come when your relationship is stable and both parties are committed to having a great, lifelong relationship together.

Case in point: my fiance. He was dating some girl for almost three years, and it was pretty rocky from what I understand. She couldn't make up her mind about being with him, and he proposed to her (I think to finally get her to make up her mind). She said no, got angry, and told him he was just trying to "hold her back". It still stings, I can tell when he talks about it.

The right way as in trying to pursue her again or the right way in moving on?

It's just hard dealing with how hard I made this situation. It's like having a gold mine chalk full of gold, but you're not producing any.

The weirdest part is during all of this is not one time have I even gotten sick to the stomach over the idea that she could say no. I've been so hopped up on the idea that yeah it would be crazy, but I in the end I could say I tried. I do agree though that there's no better time to propose than when you're both happy, you realize it, and it's time. Can't deny that. Wish I had woken up out of my coma because I let the "ideal" time to do it slip thru my distracted fingers.

[pisces7378]

No looking back. Your past is just a collection of stories, like old children tales that you kind of sorta remember, but are not 100% sure about. The only thing that you can do is look at where you are right now, and look forward into what you need to do NOW to get you where you want to be soon.

What do you want? Don't even answer that, because right now I am sure you are going to say something like, "I want my girlfriend back." I mean what do you WANT deep down inside? You want to be happy right? You want comfort, stability, certainty of your future... well give it up. There is NO stability, NO certainty, and your future is as up in the air as anyone's. And all of that is a good thing.

You've lived a very illusioned life thus far. The sun will always come up. The winter is cold. The Summer is hot. Pussy feels good. And Keith Richards will live forever. Well, thank you for swallowing the red pill, because now you can see that it is all bullshit.

The Earth could end tomorrow... no sun.
Winter in Chicago is hot as **** in Australia.
Pussy doesn't feel good when you know that it's your best friend's girlfriend.
And Keith... well that one you can keep. He'll live forever.

What I am trying to say is... the thing that you thought was your best asset, could very easily be your worst feature. If you think that your kindness is what makes people want to be close to you, the reality might be that you are simply an approval seeker who is kind to people in order to have them be kind to him. You may tell your girlfriend that you love her, just to hear those words echoed back. And you might take care of her, and see her through tough times, but are secretly keeping score so that you can totally play the victim later in an argument. Oh yes, kindness can be a total weapon of the worst kind. TRUST ME... I know!!!

You may have grown up thinking your dad was an absolute bastard and your mother a saint, only to see now that your dad was just over-worked and never had a role model, and your mother is an unhappy woman who showered her children with love so that they would love her and hopefully fill her weaknesses in with crutch love.

I am just saying, this is a blessing. You had illusions, and now you are DIS'illusioned. It is weird, painful, and scary as all get the fcuk out. But it is the only way to grow. Anthropologists know now that groups of people who settled in a climate/environment that was a constant struggle actually flourished and grew as a people, whereas those that settled in tropical paradise ended up dying out or being taken over.

A man MUST be slightly out of his comfort zone if he wishes to learn a thing or grow in any way. Welcome to discomfort. Welcome to growth. Welcome to your life, we've missed you.