I know I'm selfish, but is there a third way?

[MissAnn]

Not to stereotype, as there as dumb people of ALL ages, but it may also be easier for him to convince 22 year olds that it is a good idea to sleep with someone who is clearly never going to leave his wife and family.

[girl68]

Excellent point Ann. She's a young, dumb, and a lying little cheating "but-I'm-sooo-in-love-with-my-bf" hoe.

[mel2208]

i think Mr M has problems in his relationship with his wife.They probably dont have sex no more and thats why he is with you..Your young and fresh and he has a sexual connection with you..He wont ever leave his wife..they never do... I feel so sorry for the wife who he is doing all this behind her back..She has mothered 2 children with him and thats how he repays her!!! im sorry but i think you need to seriously have a hard think about things.. This aint right and i think you know that deep down..You feel guilty on cheating on your BF..thats why you tried to end it with Mr M..Mr M is certainly having his cake and eating it right now!!!!

[OneQuestion]

I love you guys. I thought I was gona be the only one to call her a hoe

[girl68]

I love you guys. I thought I was gona be the only one to call her a hoe

I'm calling her a hoe for a different reason.

[Greta]

Thanks guys. I know I'm the one to blame. After all, it takes two to tango.

How can a 22 yo girl be attracted to a 48 yo man? Well, first of all I must declare that he's not my sugar daddy. He appreciates my wit and humour that's beyond my age. And we talk about life, poems, philosophy, social issues etc. I admire his noble and passionate heart. Also, he's considerate and mature. I admit that I have been dominant when I'm with my boyfriend and I've been taking care of him as if he's a child. I am the streetwise kind and my bf is unworldly so I always try to protect him. So when M comes to me I feel I don't have to worry anymore - I'm a well protected child in his arms. M thinks having a secret relationship is about managing each other's expectation, and he's been doing a good job. He's very attentive to my needs and so far it's been a pleasant relationship.

No I'm not going to leave my boyfriend. Definitely no no. He's the last one I want to hurt. Yes our relationship is not free from blemish. At first I was a selfless perfect girlfriend and I scarifice a lot to make him the happiest man in the world. But I just feel disappointed when he kept on making mistakes that gets me mad. And then I decided to be selfish. I decided to love less so that I wouldn't expect that much from him. So when I'm with M, my boyfriend and me are actually having more conversation and our relationship gets better. I told my boyfriend that I cheated on him and he forgave me, as I did forgive him many times before. It's just he doesn't know I continue this secret relationship.

It's unfair to my boyfriend if I still see M, obviously. But it's also unfair to M when I told him 'Oh we started because I was lonely, and now my bf and I made up and I don't need you. Let's be friends?'.

So far everyone is happy. Yes we are living a lie. We all want to defer our pain by keeping a secret. But I want to work something out.

[Asip4u]

You can try and make a positive spin all you want, it doesn't change the fact you're with a guy who will NEVER love you. To him you're just a sex object and you can talk about how you chat about different things all you want, men who want pussy will say anything to get some action. Once your b/f finds out (and he will eventually), and this guy realizes he still wants his wife, you will lose both.

[cmacattack1]

It looks like you described your situation quite perfectly when you mentioned that all you do is take care of your boyfriend when you want to be the one that is getting taken care of. You want security and your current boyfriend isn't providing it. So you find it from the other guy while you stay with your boyfriend because you don't want to hurt him. You have already hurt him and you continue to by continuing to lie. You will sooner or later be left with one, and even more likely be left with none.

You can't possibly be happy and continue to be happy with him by doing this. Your actions are speaking quite loudly. Don't get too comfortable with your current position. Sooner or later you will be caught again. I'm amazed that your boyfriend isn't more suspicious.

I think you need to find somebody that gives you what you want. The guy you end up with probably won't be perfect and hit everything on your checklist, but he will be the one that will give you what you want the most. Which sounds like security and getting taken care of, not the one to do the caring.

[1337lizard]

Miss Greta, I won't sit here and tell you that you're a terrible person. I think you're weak and foolish, but I don't think this situation is unusual. It's been more frequent lately but that doesn't change the fact that there is a right way and a wrong way to handle this.

Based on the way you phrased things I'm guessing that you've come onto this forum seeking support of the only third alternative that you consider to be available to you which would be to continue as you have been with a secret affair. Honestly, the only right way to handle this is to end things with M, wait a couple days, then tell your boyfriend. He needs to know and he deserves to know.

Consider that if you continue as you have been then you are potentially destroying a family. Do the right thing. It's not always the easiest thing to do but you honestly don't have many other options. You'll be screwing yourself if you don't do what's right. Good luck.

[vashti]

. But it's also unfair to M when I told him 'Oh we started because I was lonely, and now my bf and I made up and I don't need you. Let's be friends?'.

Don't be a silly child. That 48 year old man has known all along that his days with you are numbered - he is just looking to have fun while it lasts. He doesn't care enough about you to be hurt by your calling it off. He already told you as much.

[sookie6]

Greta

I think you have been very brave coming on this forum with a testimony that does not put you in the brightest light.

We've all done mistakes even if it's not that kinda mistake. Anyway.

From my experience 20s are the time of confusion and learning. So I would not beat yourself up with a stick for what you've done...but still betraying someone's trust can only bring you misery in the future. Just know that.

Now, about your third way I don't know but I am sure that just like everyone you are looking for a true and sincere realtionship based on love and trust.

So far this is not happening.

Now, if you are wondering about these 2 men's worth I would tell you something. This older man is an selfish asshole taking advantage of his experience and knowledge of women that only years can give you...so don't go comparing 2 men that are not even comparable.

Also as the more mature in the 'affair' he should never never have started this fling with you. He is not stupid and knows that women grow attached and younger women even more. What is doing is destroying your faith in love and men...because let's face it he is using you..because when you start sleeping with someone knowing perfectly well that there is no future to it then yes YOU ARE USING AND ABUSING the other person.

So grow so self esteem and dump his ass....

What you decide to do about your relationship with your current boyfriend is really down to you...you need to do what you feel comfortable with...

Personally I would like to know if my partner had an affair. I would be grateful to my partner to tell me face to face....

[Doc Durian]

What's her boyfriends phone number? I'll tell him if she won't.

He deserves to know.

[ftm]

What's her boyfriends phone number? I'll tell him if she won't.

He deserves to know.

Yeah, I feel for the guy. Unfortunately we don't always get what we deserve.

Honestly, I wonder how she has managed to keep this up for so long, and how it is that the boyfriend hasn't noticed. He needs to know, and he's GOING to know eventually. Possibly when the older man cuts it off and Greta's self-rationalizations crumble. You can't plan this game forever.

I do have to say though that I echo other posters' sentiments in saying I admire Greta for coming forward with what is ultimately a very self-incriminating story. I don't think she would be writing about this to us if she didn't know deep down what was right on some level.

This is really anti-social behavior and I am sure she knows that.

(I also feel like she' sway too young to be doing this kind of epic cheating. Maybe I am naive.)

[VincenzoG91]

Greta,

Your boyfriend isn't the right guy for you. He is weak and dependent, and you want somebody strong who will take care of you. You don't respect your boyfriend, so you can never have a positive relationship with him.

M isn't the right guy for you either. He has a wife and family, and he isn't leaving them for you. He doesn't respect you and he is just using you for sex. You can never have a positive relationship with him either, so leave him.

And you probably posted here because you are struggling with conflicted feelings and serious guilt. You know this situation isn't right, and you're struggling with your self-esteem, despite getting regular boosts from two guys who aren't right for you. Do the right thing and end both of these relationships. Spend some time alone, so you can clear your head, grow up a little more, and become a better person. Then you will be ready to look for the right guy, a strong guy who will be devoted to just you.

Oh, and you might want to get tested for STDs. I doubt that you were M's first fling, and you won't be his last. Even if the two of you used protection, that doesn't completely protect you from certain STDs.

[Greta]

I sincerely thank all again for advice. No I'm not writing an epic - it's just an ordinary story of mine.

Yes it takes a lot of courage to reveal a private part of my life for public judgment. I've been struggling for several months before I came here. I never intended to detroy others' family. My father left my family for another woman when I was small and I've never ever dreamt about having an affair with a married man. I just hate myself for becoming the kind of person that I despise.

Indeed, I do talk about M before my boyfriend. He knows that I like him in some way - either as a friend or as a father figure. We share everything. I tell him when I had a crush on somebody and sometimes even show him messages other guys sent me. We know clearly that there is nothing serious in it. But now I keep a part of M and me just to myself. That bothers me.

Tonight I told my boyfriend that I like M a lot - it's more than like but less than love. He thought for a second, and asked me whether I still love him. I said yes...yes...yes..yes... and bursted into tears. I was so stressed that I was speechless and just cried. And he said 'As long as you still love me, it's okay. I know it won't last long.' I think he somewhat knows it but turns a blind eye to it. He isn't dumb. For the very first time I think he is strong enough to shield me and to hold me intact. I don't know what I want sometimes, but I'm quite sure that I won't leave my bf because I still love him.

M was deeply hurt when I told him I wanted to leave him. His eyes were overwhelmed but he did not cry. That sadness is real - after all we've had an enjoyable accompany for 6 months. Should I stop seeing him totally, or just keep him as a friend? What about M and I continue to date but we just don't have sex? Do you think sex a crucial factor because it's associated with adultery?

I thank you all again for taking the time to read all these and leave your opinion. I treasure each and every comment.