had a fight with my bf, input would be appreciated...

[RdHrshyKss]

that is a valid point but where do you cross the line? so at any time i should drop everything i'm doing for sexual favors? its more complicated than that....

we both know that it isn't that complicated. you spent over an hour on the phone with jamar wednesday night, why on earth would you have to do it again? and why so late? that just sounds like a cop out.

at the time my logic was well, jamar called me first, THEN red wanted to hang out. so i figure'd i'd finish up my call and if red wasn't too sleepy/tired or w/e we could muss about.

yeah, nice thought process, too bad you don't know how to communicate it properly...

i did offer to turn off the camera so she was free to use the bedroom

yeah you did offer, but how can i relax when you are sitting there with jamar screaming out of the speakers? and when we did start fighting, you turned the camera back on and even went so far as to try to lock me out of the room. that screams, "i dont' give a shit about my girlfriend right now, i'm going to do what i want to do, f**k her"

but red has this thing where she imagines a scenario in her mind based on books and movies and if her real life doesn't go that way she can't handle it and doens't know how to deal with her emotions other than attacking me

first of all, you have no basis for that statement. what the hell do books and movies have anything to do with last night? the show i was watching was about death. that statement was just stupid and unnecessary.

red - you forgot to mention the multiple door slammage on your part

ok, i admit it, i slammed the bathroom door closed when you walked out on me because i wasn't talking to you the way you wanted me to. does it really make that much of a difference?

[klonk]

If by "came to talk to you" you meant you can to freak out on her for being upset, then yes, that sounds like what happened. You took no responsibility for this.

how would i or should i take responsibility?

i felt like i did by hanging up with my friend and going to the other room to talk to red....

judging by your post and red's feelings you didn't get the intentions i was putting forth though...

[RdHrshyKss]

yah totally unfair and i messed up on that part...

too bad you spent little time acknowledging that fact, and more time bitching at me for the way i acted when i was upset.

you don't have to tip toe or anything, but you should learn to not talk to people the way that you do. your body language just SCREAMS out at me and then when you throw in your actual so called "italian" screaming is really abusive and i'm not interested in that whatsoever.

i don't talk to anyone else like that because no one else treats me the way you do. you are the only one who sees this side of me because #1 you are my boyfriend, and #2 i feel the most comfortable letting go and being emotionally honest when expressing myself. yes i need to tone it down, but it does not give you an excuse to back out when things get a little tough on you. it's like you are only interested in hearing me out when it's on your terms, when it's in the tone that you want, and it's most convenient for you. what a joke.

when i fack up, it isn't bc i'm trying to hurt you. its cuz i'm being stupid. and yes i need to work on that. and yes i could use a little help now and then.

how do you expect me to help you if the second things get slightly annoying for you, you walk out? you ranted and raved at me last night...did i walk out on you and call you names and call up my sister and talk about something completely unrelated and start laughing with you there? no, i sat there and i listened because i care about what you have to say and i know you are a human and sometimes you need to express yourself in a way that helps you release all the stress and tension you are dealing with in that moment. i don't immediately get defensive like you do. the only time i get defensive is if you call me names and personally attack me. i did not do that last night. i was emotional yes, i was loud yes, but i did not say anything at all offensive. i even sucked it up and took it when you ranted and raved and called me names in the process...what does that mean to you?

[Gigabitch]

Was it unclear that she went to watch TV to stay out of your way while you took care of your work and was just waiting for you to come to bed? She missed you, obviously, and you just went right by her. Of course she was upset.

Then you made it all about her WAY of being upset. Way to dodge the issue.

[RdHrshyKss]

i'm going to admit, i watch a lot of TV, so it's understandable if he assumed i was just doing what i usually do...which in a way i was...but i made a note to not bother him the whole night.

wednesday night he had talked to jamar on skype for a long time and i didn't get the opportunity to go to bed until like 11:30...i was really tired at that point, and even though i wanted to hang out with him, he had other things he needed to do still before bed so i just went to sleep. i felt that since we didn't have the opportunity on wednesday night, that he would be more inclined to make some time last night. i had a certain expectation that didn't get met and i got upset. that's probably where his whole movie/book thing came from. he thinks all my expectations are crazy, unreal and fantasy...but that's just an excuse for him to not do anything. i expect him to care, be supportive and sensitive...i think that's pretty fair, nothing crazy and romantic/unreal about that.

i did miss him and i was upset that he rejected me the way he did and then dodged the issue by concentrating on HOW i was upset rather than WHY i was upset. he is openly admitting that he knew why i was upset, but even so he still cared more about the way i was talking to him rather than the reasons behind my emotions. his first instinct is to be defensive and it's very emotionally draining because his defense mechanism makes things 10 times worse.

[klonk]

i am always going to be defensive when you are on teh attack

and even though you claim not to be, i am interpreting your actions and speech as such



don't worry about wed night or how long or even what i talk about with jamar; it isn't up to you to judge just like you ask me not to judge how you decide to spend your free time




@ GB - red and i both work 9-5pm then when we get home i go out biking or tinkering with my car or something and red usually catches up on her tv shows, so i didn't think much of it at the time... i'll have to be more attentive to spot these really hard to see clues if i want to avoid this situation in teh future tho

[RdHrshyKss]

you are missing the entire point, as usual. i don't know how to explain it in any other way...

[Gigabitch]

For the record, those high expectations actually CAN be met. I have a long history involving many relationships, including two marriages (I'm 42). I've learned that you deserve what you settle for. I've learned that my expectations will NEVER be met if I don't set my standards high. It's working for me. It could work for you guys, too.

[RdHrshyKss]

my current expectation is that he'll make up for all the crap that went down last night by taking me to go see toy story tonight...

we'll see how that goes

[iHEARTu]

Ohh man... I'm so glad I'm not involved with that. Yes, you are being WAY too emotional, and yes, you are over-analyzing this situation FAR too much.

Firstly. You're not even sure why you cried. Then you tried to make sense of it by trying to explain to him why. Your boyfriend, who was probably having trouble understanding what you're upset about or why you're upset in general, probably got upset because he thought you were making a big deal out of nothing. (The whole "Don't cry over split milk" thing)

Then to make matters worse, you went into the room and showed him intentionally that you were upset with him while he was talking to a friend. You (embarrassed/you were embarrassing) him in front of his friend. Of course he's either going to ignore you and hope you calm down, or make a big deal about it on webcam to his friend. He chose the better choice and tried to ignore you in hopes that you would calm down.

Then you went to the balcony and sulked. After a while, he came out. He rubbed your shoulders to check if you were still upset with him for god knows what. Not getting a response, he went back into the house.

And now you're still upset.

"i think that he did something that offended me and hurt me" <- love, you're not even sure WHY you're upset, neither would he be.

Also, judging by what you said, "so those of you who have read some of my other posts know that i'm a little koo-koo and tend to be too emotional...i over-analyze too." It is highly likely that you get emotional at home frequently. That would be the reason for him "not giving two shits about me when i get upset and vent like that".

You need to analyze YOUR actions. Not his. Stop making a big deal out of nothing. Put your big girl pants on and apologize.

"i feel he was being selfish in only concentrating on the tone of my voice rather than what i was saying" Have you heard the saying, "its not what you say- it's how you say it." My english teacher also told me one thing that is very significant to your situation about speeches and talking to people in general: "70% is body language. 20% is your tone of voice. and 10% is what you actually say." or something similiar to that. it basically meant that your body language and tone of voice is probably what led him to think of what you're saying as malicious- not what you were saying. In other words: have you ever heard germans talk? They sound like they're fighting even though they're not, right? What about italians- your grandparents for example? My best friend is italian and I'm always invited for christmas. She always laughs at her grandparents which scares me because they will look like they're about to start punching each other because of their body language and how they're saying things. (They speak in italian only so i didn't understand).

You're being way too emotional and over-analyzing things wayyy too much. so yeah. :/ good luck, love.

So, yeah. Sorry for being so harsh but it needs to be said.

[roy_delene]

maybe the 2 of you aren't compatible. He seems like a jerk to me,

[lahnnabell]

I think it's definitely a mix here.

Red, you clearly are very sensitive and you interpret a person's actions instead of seeking out a reasonable explanation. Perhaps next time you could give your boyfriend a heads up if you want to spend quality time with him. After several years, I've learned that some people need transition time. I personally prefer this myself. If someone needs me for something, or wants me to do something, I very much appreciate some sort of indication BEFOREhand. He clearly was not in the right mindset to meet your needs and as a result he reacted rather poorly. This does not excuse his behavior, of course. He did do/say some stupid things. But really, use this as an opportunity to see how others see you. While you may feel as though you are acting quite normal, to another person you might look like a lunatic.

As for your guy, the insensitive comments need some sort of filter. He also has to be willing to look at himself and see how his behavior can be interpreted as cold and uncaring, qualities that are not becoming of a man in a relationship. If your guy has difficulty dealing with difficult situations, arguments, and the like, he needs to take a really good look at why he's in a committed, long-term relationship. Things do not get easier. Couples that stand the test of time are the ones that can hash things out and learn from one another in the process. Simply walking out on your girlfriend is a method of avoidance and it does nothing to help resolve the issue at hand. If he's hoping that somehow ignoring your feelings will just make you stop feeling them, well he needs a good wake up call. It doesn't work like that. In fact, the more you ignore, the worse things will be for you (as you've seen, right?)

[RdHrshyKss]

lahnnabell i always love and appreciate your advice. i know i have issues taking things too personally and it's something i need to work on. does anyone on this forum have a similar issue and has some advice on how to calm down in those instances when you start getting riled up? it definitely comes from my family. my mom is like that and so is her father (my grandfather, the italian). in the long term, i'm patient, but in the short term, i am pretty impatient. when my bf does something that offends me, it's hard for me to not jump the gun and give him the chance to explain himself. i know this is wrong, it's just soooo hard calming myself in order to give him that opportunity.

my bf and i read the last few posts together and although a lot of what iHEARTu said is true (my craziness and lack of good communication when i'm uspet) my bf actually did know what i was upset about. he admitted as such. he's not a stupid, naive guy. we've been together long enough that he knows me pretty well. sometimes he knows what i'm going to say before i do haha. when i started to cry in the bathroom (which was because of a combination of stress, expectations not being met, and feeling like my bf doesn't care about me as much as i care for him) he said he realized that what he had said to me beforehand probably hurt me. at that point he sorta knew what the situation was. but my problem with communicating with him in a nice way when i'm upset was the major issue. although his lack of a filter (like lahnnabell said) with the things that he says is what started the altercation, my reaction is what created the progression. i admit it. i know i have issues. and my bf knows i have these issues, he's seen my family and how they behave so i think he understands where it comes from. i was saying that he could have been a little more understanding at that moment and been patient with me.

i obviously need to work on myself, it's something i've acknowledged awhile ago and need some help doing. maybe therapy is the only thing that will really work for me because i can't expect my boyfriend to be my support in that way all the time...it's draining on him and i understand that. but in the meantime i just hope that he can take something from the advice on here and try working on himself a bit. sometimes it feels like he just uses my insecurity and my emotional issues as a scapegoat for a lot of our problems and doesn't really try to reflect on himself. i think a lot of stuff could be avoided if he did that more.

thanks so much for all your advice people. i am the type of person who wants brutal honesty and i definitely got it. you're the best!

[lahnnabell]

Red, I used to be like you. I would overanalyze my boyfriends' reactions to things in an attempt to figure out if something deeper was wrong in our relationship. I would pour over possible scenarios to seek out reasons I was being lied to or mistreated. I've done this since I was 16. This habit stems from my personal anxiety, something I've dealt with for a long time now.

Only in the last year (I'm 25 now) have I reached the point where I can have a calm, rational discussion without freaking in some way. I was never a screamer before either, but sometimes I would let myself fly off the handle. My ex would take our conversation in circles and it drove me insane. I remember one argument we had before bed when this happened and I was flailing and yelling. The pitch of my voice got higher and I sounded frightened because that is exactly how I felt. Shortly thereafter I began to take steps that would enable me to step back and let myself breathe.

There was a moment when it clicked. My ex came home from work one night, tired and upset. I was getting ready to do some grocery shopping. He decided that instead of feeling bad alone that he was going to rope me into his little game and upset me. He started nitpicking at something I was doing wrong, an entirely irrelevant argument at that time. I was totally ready to bite back, but I remembered the change I wanted to make. I erased what I was going to say and replaced it with, "I'm sorry you're feeling bad, but I'm not ready to talk about this issue right now. I'm going to go shopping, and we can talk when I get back. I love you." He said, "No, I want to talk about this now!" I said, "Well, I'm not ready. We will talk when I get back if you want, but right now I have to get the shopping done. I love you." I put my foot down calmly and firmly and removed myself from the situation. (Your boyfriend attempted to do this, but he failed when he opened his mouth. He said some pretty cold things when he should have kept it neutral. And the "I love you" at the end does help.)

I took my time shopping, called my mother too. When I came back, my boyfriend was in bed, sulking. He turned to me and said he was sorry that he got upset and that he'd had a rough day at work. He said his being upset had nothing to do with me. I said, "Thank you for saying that. I love you. I bought you popsicles. Want one?"

Staying calm during an argument takes immense mental capacity and control. When I am upset, it feels like my nerves are on fire and that I might explode sometimes. I counter this by keeping myself in calm situations most of the time. If tempers start to flare, I exit. I don't like my temper as I know it can get pretty bad if I let it. Sometimes I think it would feel good to have that kind of release, but hurting the people I love would hurt even more. Therefore, it is not worth it.

The reason staying calm is so difficult for you is because your body is perceiving your boyfriend and his coldness as a threat to your person. The body's physical response to this type of stress does not differentiate between a physical threat and an emotional/mental one. It manifests just the same. Fight or flight. Your boyfriend ran away from the situation, possibly because he was unsure of how to deal with it. You chose to stand up and fight because you felt that you had the upper hand on the situation. You wanted to make him understand how you felt. But you cannot force others to be empathetic. He has to open up on his own. If he's going to choose something like Skyping with a friend over working on important issues with his girlfriend, then his priorities are not in order. And this is where you two need to come together and compromise.

[RdHrshyKss]

great advice, thanks so much. will try to do this myself and see how it goes. i'm the type of person who freaks out if i can't control a situation, so it would make sense to try to take control in the opposite way. by taking myself out of the situation rather than going head first and trying to outfight him haha. so smart. thanks again!