i dont know what to do?

[KimberlyH]

Thanks, do you guys think im over reacting though or being pathetic?

[lahnnabell]

No, you're not overreacting. You're clearly young and insecure, which is made worse by the fact that this guy insults you and disrespects you. A truly kind boy or man will treat anyone with decency and respect. He's likely young and stupid and hasn't learned any of these skills yet, so it'll be a long time before he ever thinks about changing. I mean, so long as you put up with his crappy behavior, he has no reason to change. Get it?

[KimberlyH]

Yeah i get it, always had trouble with standing up for myself

[lahnnabell]

Well, it sounds like you may be contributing to his lack of respect for you. I'm not saying you're in the wrong, but I do think you need to develop some standards for yourself and your future relationships. A woman that does not respect herself cannot expect to earn the respect of anyone else, including a man. His attraction to you (be it physical or whatever) is not respect. Don't confuse the two because too often women think that the way to a man's heart is by becoming his love slave.

This will be a great lesson for you.

[KimberlyH]

yeah i understand, I just dont know how to handle myself in situations with him because he gets really angry. And i dont know how to deal with angry people really, So i tend to just not speak my mind so he doesnt get angry. I know its not the right thing to do though.

[lahnnabell]

You don't have to get angry to speak your mind. You can simply talk to him. Perhaps you should do it in a publicly private place... Like the corner of a coffee shop. If you're worried about how angry he gets, than that is dangerous. No respectful man will ever use scare tactics on a woman.

You don't even have to let him respond. Just say, "Look, this isn't working. You disrespect me and you insult me, and I'm tired of it. I don't want you in my life anymore." And you walk away. You don't need his approval, or his answer. There is none. It's about you taking care of you now. Don't attempt to break up with him in the hopes that it'll inspire him to change. Even if he does change, it'll only be for a little while. This is how abusive relationships cycle.

[KimberlyH]

To be honest he has admitted that he does say stuff to scare me so i dont leave him. Because its come close before, he also admits that he pushes the blame onto me because he cant handle being wrong. But when the time comes and i know hes just blaming me because he cant handle it, i just freeze and get confused as to what i want to say, and then after the argument i think of all the stuff i wanted to say.

[lahnnabell]

Plan out what you're going to say. Keep it simple. You can even do it over the phone (which I think is better and safer for you). Don't leave him room to say anything. Quick, like ripping off a band-aid.

He does try to scare you into submission. My father used to do this to me. Your boyfriend (soon to be ex) has a lot of self-esteem and insecurity issues himself, but instead of taking steps to better himself, he uses you as a scape goat. And you take it because you care about him and you don't respect yourself enough.

[KimberlyH]

Thing is I am in love with him & i just wish he would be the way he used to be. At the beginning he was all for me & now he seems not interested, that's why i keep hesitating from leaving him because i think it will change, But its gotten too far now because I am in therapy because of all this. I just feel like i'm just an option in his life, when he's my priority really, like he only wants to speak to me when he's bored and has nothing else to do. Because he's always on his laptop until about four in the morning or even later, and he never asks me to come online to speak to him. Just not sure what to think , like is it just a phaze

[lahnnabell]

You are not a priority to him. He treats you like just some other girl, when he should be making you priority. And it won't change because he knows you'll put up with it.

I know you care for him, but he doesn't feel the same about you. No man that behaves like this is capable of truly loving someone else. In a sense, he's made a decision. Whatever he wants is priority over you or anything you want. Time to take back what is rightfully yours.

[KimberlyH]

I dont want to seem controlling though? Like i don't want to say to him no, i don't like this don't do it or whatever. I just think he is too immature for me & doesnt know how to treat a girl properly

[lahnnabell]

Why are you worried about what he thinks of you? Honestly, he doesn't think much of you if all he does is chat online with some other girl, and berate you into submission. You are not being controlling. You are asserting yourself because you deserve to be respected. In fact, he's being controlling by trying to scare you into staying with him. That is not love.

Yes, he is immature. He needs to grow up. But he won't do that if you sit there and take his bullshit. He sees no reason to change. So, what do you want to do? Do you want to suffer in silence like this for eternity, or till he breaks up with you for another girl?

[sookie6]

Kimberly you are a doormat. There is no other way to put it.

And he's probably the first of a long string of men who will treat you as bad if no worse if you stay this way. The first thing you need to do is to stop finding him excuses.

And when someone takes control of you like he does, you should break away from them.

[KimberlyH]

True, I need to start speakin my mind..Alot

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I think you should just learn to live with it. He will probably realize the error of his ways and voluntarily change on his own, if you just let him have his way enough.