Emotionally unavailable ex?

[hope555]

The truth is, out of the two of us, I'm the better catch.Girls love him because he's smart, funny and very attractive. But unlike him, I have the ability to have patience, compassion, thoughtfulness and genuine love for the person i'm with. He has till today NEVER been able to really like a girl. I came the closest...and it scared him everyday...so he ran away like a little boy. He had zero complaints about the relationship, but just started to close off emotionally and physically. He left because he felt bad for being a terrible boyfriend to me and wanted to stay on good terms with me so we can get back together in the future. I HIGHLY doubt that will happen because I got so emtional after the breakup and he didn't like it. I would've done anything to work on our relationship because we weren't on bad terms AT ALL! What normal person acts like this?? I knowI deserve a better partner in life who is capable of loving and giving. I know this...but i miss him everyday!!! I miss cuddling and pillow talk and all the intimate things that go with a boyfriend thats what makes me want to contact him everyday!! It physically bothers me how much I miss having a special boy in my life. I've joined the gym to distract myself and lost 4lbs already in a month (yay!). But I don't know if i'll ever stop missing him, and wonder if he ever even thinks of me. Thanks for letting me vent!!

[BeingAlpha]

The truth is, out of the two of us, I'm the better catch.Girls love him because he's smart, funny and very attractive. But unlike him, I have the ability to have patience, compassion, thoughtfulness and genuine love for the person i'm with. He has till today NEVER been able to really like a girl. I came the closest...and it scared him everyday...so he ran away like a little boy. He had zero complaints about the relationship, but just started to close off emotionally and physically. He left because he felt bad for being a terrible boyfriend to me and wanted to stay on good terms with me so we can get back together in the future. I HIGHLY doubt that will happen because I got so emtional after the breakup and he didn't like it. I would've done anything to work on our relationship because we weren't on bad terms AT ALL! What normal person acts like this?? I knowI deserve a better partner in life who is capable of loving and giving. I know this...but i miss him everyday!!! I miss cuddling and pillow talk and all the intimate things that go with a boyfriend thats what makes me want to contact him everyday!! It physically bothers me how much I miss having a special boy in my life. I've joined the gym to distract myself and lost 4lbs already in a month (yay!). But I don't know if i'll ever stop missing him, and wonder if he ever even thinks of me. Thanks for letting me vent!!

Its normal -- sadly, people get weird, people get scared...its okay -- forgive him. If you don't forgive him then you will never let it go. Forgive him for being weak, forgive him for being emotionally immature (yes he will mature some day), forgive him for ignoring you, forgive him for everything and you will let it go. DO NOT get hung up in the resentment piece (although its natural right now)

Deleting him from facebook was so that you would not drive yourself MAD trying to figure out where he was, what he was doing, guessing if he was seeing someone. It may seem like the wrong thing but its not -- trust me. As for being friends: you can't right now be friends -- not without a long space of time to get over things. My view on it is actually there will probably ALWAYs be chemistry and almost no ex relationship has unfinished business -- its best to not go down that path.

Hang in there - distract yourself, go to the gym because its what YOU want to do; not because you think if you get in really good shape hes going to suddenly want you again. You WILL stop missing him (but it takes time); I don't think you ever stop thinking about someone; something will remind you but eventually it will just be a memory; with nothing more than just -- we used to date or I remember that person, it won't carry any or hardly any emotion with it.

You are going through the phases of grief: right now you are in a sheer panic -- I woke up in cold sweats at 3 AM every night for a month - it gets better.. I promise, and I promise you will make it through this...It will be okay -- we are here to help you. As for the hugs and cuddling -- yeah it definitely sucks not to have that...but its just human nature to want physical affection...you were fine without it before him weren't you? You'll be again AND soon enough you will find someone new AND better and you will be on here asking us what to do on a first date, how to act, what does he mean when he says X...

Hang in there

[hope555]

Thanks BeingAlpha!! I'm going to read your post everytime I have a weak moment. I doubt he will actually ever mature without some serious event...because he was soooo far withdrawn towards the end. He felt no emotion and had completely drawn back all sexual contact for months. The only emotion he felt was feeling bad for being this way. Till today he wonders if he has some condition that prevents him from attaching to people. I just think he's afraid of being hurt so keeps closed off. Your advice on forgiving him is something no one else has told me...everyone always told me he's a jerk and forget him. But I will forgive him for being this way. I hope one day he gets better and can truly enjoy a real relationship. But I also kind of hope at the back of my head he feels bad for leaving someone like me who was happpily willing to do anything to make him feel safe, secure and loved. Who understood his long hours of work and loved his MANY daily quirks. He always said he liked me a lot because he could be himself around me without feeling judged.

Thank you for all your support. At times when I'm down, hearing your replies on here is the only thing that keeps me going. I will hang in there and not contact him even if the urge is REALLLLLY strong sometimes to check on him and see how he's doing. HUGS for everyone!!!

[Agape]

Good job with the gym. . . getting healthier is good.

You'll eventually stop missing him, just give it time and distance

[hope555]

Lol...so it won't always feel like big gaping void in my life that I have to keep distracting myself from??

[hope555]

I was reflecting on it right now, and realistically I don't care what he's doing anymore. But I feel realllly sad about my lonliness. Not to brag..but I have everything going for me...I look good, I'm very intelligent, I'm warm, open, genuine, and very sweet...yet why am I soooooo lonely? Why is it so hard for me to find someone attractive and intersting to hang out with? I feel like at this rate..i'll never meet anyone. Most days I go to work and the gym...thats about it. Weekends I hang out with my family, childhood friends or girlfriends that I'm super close to. I'm on an online dating site...but the choice pool seems very low there too. I'm just turned 25, but feel like I don't know anyone anymore. Loneliness always gets me down. Even having someone to text or talk to online cheers me up. Anyone else feel this way?

[BeingAlpha]

Hope555 -- its actually okay and healthy for you to feel all this sadness -- I was in your exact spot just a few weeks ago -- and yeah I felt like my world had ended...but it gets better. You go out, you have fun, you spend time with friends but you don't let them force you to date or see people before you are ready to meet someone. As for the feeling that you will always be alone -- hell how many failed relationships have I had? Sucks.. I know...everyone always says that every relationship teaches you something. It teaches you what to look for, it teaches what to avoid. One very good thing I have learned is I keep dating the same type of girl, and I keep having problems.

I believe that you aren't ready to be in a relationship until you are ready to be single...the reason for that? Because if you aren't ready to be alone -- this will happen again, and you will be crushed again. It also has a lot to do with psychology -- people go after what they can't have always -- people don't like dating people that are clingy, make someone the center of their life, etc... they want someone who challenges them -- and while its not actually playing hard to get, someone who has their own life is interesting, offers thoughts ideas, etc.. that they don't have in their life, they are intriguing.

I'd love to meet a cool, intelligent attractive girl, its too bad you are a canadian!! See do you feel better now someone hit on you on the internet?? hahah.... hang in there
Cheers.

[hope555]

HAHAHA!!! I DO feel better someone hit on me. Esp when I could've actually lied about having all those qualities..lol. Also, I was just at the gym right now, and this other good looking guy hit on me too...always fun! Plus I talked to my old housemate from a few years ago...and she told me about this exact same problem she had with a guy she was dating...except he was EVEN worse....if from dating she mentioned relationship to him, he would disappear for a bit. She told me I need to find a way to be happy without a boy...be content with my own life. We really connected on our experiences. So overall i feel reallllly good hopefully this lasts...its usually ups and downs for me. Oh well...its bed time in canada...night night eveyrone!! Stay positive!!

[BeingAlpha]

Its actually fairly normal for it to come in waves. You will feel great one day, worse the next...its weird but it happens. I actually see my ex here and there (from work) but mostly we are able to keep completely different schedules and never run into each other (big office though), I have changed my day a bit to make sure of it. In some weird way its my final gift to her, to help her and I move on. The first time I saw her it was miserable; now it doesn't sting so bad...but I still don't enjoy it much. The good feelings come and go -- working out releases endorphins so definitely keep it up...there are obvious added benefits.

If you want a few good songs that really capture how you are feeling right now, but will probably induce a good cry...WARNING either of them will bring you to tears in a second...
Jamestown Story "In loving memory" or 30 seconds to Mars "Alibi"

[hope555]

I HAVE heard alibi before...its on my ipod...LOVE it..but don't really like the rest of their new album too much..lol.

It DEF comes in waves for me...I had a dream last night that my ex and I hooked up like old times...and it felt AMAZING! But waking up from that dream in an empty bed was the worst experience ever! At least before, even if I did wake up alone, I would text him right away to talk about the dream and he'd be really excited. UGH! Where did those times go when we were so close?? Its amazing how quickly I forget why my ex was a terrible bf and how easily I remm the good times....I sometimes wish I could either a) find someone else to physically be with for a while so I can get over my ex or, b) text my ex and ask him how he's doing and if he ever thinks of me? He was a very sexually closed of person towards the end and said he didn't care for physical things...so I highly doubt he misses it. I miss all our good times for SURE!

[BeingAlpha]

Kings and Queens, Closer to the Edge, and Alibi are the only songs worth listening to on that album.

So wait -- you are a hot, 24 year old canadian and you are looking for a physical ONLY relationship -- yeah totally see why you are struggling :-P haha.

Please don't reach out to your ex again -- it doesn't matter how he is doing..I am sure he misses you in some regard; but I am also sure he is doing just fine. Give him some space right now and if you REALLY want to talk to him -- wait until you are out of panic mode (3-4 weeks or more). By that point in time you may not even want to talk to him anymore. Its really important that you BOTH take space to figure your heads out. I am not saying you will never be together again; just saying that it won't be anytime soon.

[hope555]

Understood. I really enjoy your advice and talking to you You always have things to say that make me feel a lot better. I'm new to all this, so very very confused.

So at this point, its not good for me even to text and say hi? Why not? Does that make him feel like he has the power, and i'm not over him, and push him further away? i feel like he's forgetting me. He never makes first contact anymore. After a month of no contact, last week I broke it to ask him a quick question about a school-related thing, and then said bye. He then continued and started questioning me about my life and whats new with me over and over again even though I was avoiding the questions. Was he just being polite and keeping the conversation going, or did he feel bad for what he did to me, or is he genuinely curious? He has had some moment of weaknesses when we were broken up but still talking...where he would ask to come over. But in the past month of no contact, he has never slipped up once and made first contact. I never want him to forget me...I always want some part of him to miss me even though I know I'll never date him again.

I hope you don't think I'm dwelling on this too much or overanalyzing. I really do live my life right now as much as I can You just seem to be a good listener going through the same things...so I'm just getting out everything that's on my mind so I don't text these questions to him instead.

Thanks for all your help!!

[Agape]

"So at this point, its not good for me even to text and say hi? Why not? "
--> "last week I broke it to ask him a quick question about a school-related thing, and then said bye. He then continued and started questioning me about my life and whats new with me over and over again"

Do you want to get over this guy or not? . . . if you keep on crawling back it's just going to show you can't get over him

[BeingAlpha]

Understood. I really enjoy your advice and talking to you You always have things to say that make me feel a lot better. I'm new to all this, so very very confused.

So at this point, its not good for me even to text and say hi? Why not? Does that make him feel like he has the power, and i'm not over him, and push him further away? i feel like he's forgetting me. He never makes first contact anymore. After a month of no contact, last week I broke it to ask him a quick question about a school-related thing, and then said bye. He then continued and started questioning me about my life and whats new with me over and over again even though I was avoiding the questions. Was he just being polite and keeping the conversation going, or did he feel bad for what he did to me, or is he genuinely curious? He has had some moment of weaknesses when we were broken up but still talking...where he would ask to come over. But in the past month of no contact, he has never slipped up once and made first contact. I never want him to forget me...I always want some part of him to miss me even though I know I'll never date him again.

I hope you don't think I'm dwelling on this too much or overanalyzing. I really do live my life right now as much as I can You just seem to be a good listener going through the same things...so I'm just getting out everything that's on my mind so I don't text these questions to him instead.

Thanks for all your help!!

Hey Hope -- heres the thing; what is your goal? If your goal is to get back together with him; the only way to do that is to hang out with him and pretend that you are just friends...making him chase you. If you are honest t goodness in a place where you think he needs to grow up and cannot offer you what you want (marriage, relationship, etc..) you will continue to hurt yourself by hanging out with him. My ex did the same thing -- I found a few of her items at my place and told her that i would leave them at her desk -- she insisted that she would come and pick them up -- we hooked up when she was here. Great; except that it prolonged me getting over her. Am I over her? Not fully but with each passing day I become more so. Remember he broke your heart - if he truly wants you back; he'll stop at nothing to get you back and then its YOUR decision whether you want to risk the hurt again. For me -- I truly question this; but then again shes gone and hasn't tried to contact me in a few weeks. At this point I would just assume forget; do I think in 3-6 months she will try to reach out to me? Definitely but I don't see myself really being open to it. Somethings you cannot fix; for me and her I think the ship sailed but then again you never know. NEVER apologize to us about dwelling on your ex or over-analyzing. We are here to support you and give you insight. Obviously we don't know whats going on inside your ex's head but we can try to relate to you our experiences. Bravo to you for being strong, bravo to you for not texting him.

You will get through this -- I assure you; doesn't seem like it right now and doesn't seem like you will ever find someone but I guarantee you -- you will. It will happen when you least expect it.

As far as texting - hi? -- the problem there is you are just saying hi but expecting an outpouring of I made a mistake etc... people let you down. I say never test anyone by doing X -- the result will not be what you expected and will actually make you feel worse. Its not about power it just that each time you talk to him/text him it will set you back to square one. I want you to really think about what you want - did this guy truly provide it? Whether it is nurturing, snuggling etc..

[hope555]

Thanks beingalpha!!! you're actually awesome!! He msged me today and jokingly told me I suck for deleting him as a friend on facebook. ugh! who cares? I have nothing to say to that. Either he's being polite and pretending to want to be friends because he feels bad. Donno?? I mean I'm almost forgetting him, he must've forgotten me a while ago. I don't feel like replying.

To answer you, no he provided me with nothing except some company and laughs. We got along on all levels in terms of our intellect, attraction, sense of humour, lifestyle etc...BUT, he gave me mere crumbs of himself emotionally and physically. I was quite frustrated most of the time, even though I know I have a lot of patience. I was NEVER satisfied beyond the first 6-7 months. I can NEVER do this again. I'm glad he had the courage to break up for us, because he knew he wasn't good for me. I will move on! I just miss his company and attention..his intellect and his jokes...and going to the movies with him. I respect his level of intelligence and drive for his work an INSANE amount. VERY VERY few people can actually impress me with their mind, creativity and knowledge. So thats what keeps driving me back to him..that respect and awe. I feel a lot stronger today and am already feeling a LOT better. I didn't even distract myself today from the pain...I had normal levels of focus and could sit on the couch, do nothing, and not miss him.

PS: on a sidenote, do you ever wonder if your ex comes on this site, happens to read these posts and figures out its about them? lol