My girlfriend wants nothing to do with sex

[Ariadne]

It sounds to me like she probably wants to have sex with you and she desires it because she is apologetic and she thinks there is something wrong with her. I think the problem is that she is not aroused or not turned on. You're describing yourself as a caveman, so I'm going to assume you just kinda get straight to the point and stick your penis where you want it without much foreplay or anything. You did say you went down on her, but oral sex is not the golden gateway to her magic button. In fact, if you feel like it's a chore, she's going to recognize that and it's gonna turn her off even more. Instead of just going down on her and expecting her to be ready for you whenever you want it, make a good effort to satisfy her. I never see any posts on here from guys who wonder why their GF doesn't like to kiss or be massaged, or something - it's always sex. I think if you play your cards right and seduce her, you'll be happy with the results. Pick up a few cheesy books like Art of Seduction, Karma Sutra, and all that. Learn about erogenous zones and be experimental - try to find the sensitive spots on your gfs body with your lips and your tongue and your fingertips and manipulate them to your will. Learn how to express your sexuality and your passions.

I agree. Start with a ROMANTIC--RRRRRRRRROMANTIC, not sexual--setting and tell her how much you love her and appreciate her staying with you. Tell her about every little thing that you love about her, focusing more on her personality and interests than her body. DON'T bring up sex--don't even THINK about it because she'll pick up on it. Cuddle with her some and then when she's relaxed start kissing her in innocent areas, lips, ears, neck etc. She might tense up, expecting you to go right for the more sexual stuff. If you sense her pulling away a bit, back off. Just work your way into it slowly. Take an entire day if that's what it takes. Hell, take an entire weekend if that's what it takes. Make sure she's comfortable before doing anything remotely sexual. And make it ALL ABOUT HER. Put aside all your frustrations, don't get upset if it doesn't happen instantly. If and when she relaxes enough for you to focus on other areas of her body, KEEP YOUR COOL and don't go straight for the hot spots.

I also wanna say that women are intuitive. Scarily so sometimes. Your feelings about possibly dumping her because of the sex are probably getting through to her. If she feels like sex could ruin your relationship, she's not going to be likely to enjoy it.

[seshirure]

I agree with doppelganger. Have you ever tried satisfying her sexual needs before you go rush with her gold?
It seems like that she really wants to have sex with you but the sweet feeling they can get with sex can't be earned just by rushing in with your stick when you see the hole.
Women loves to enjoy the pleasure of foreplay and believe me brother. Sex without romance is really really boring.

[Incognito]

Sex without romance is really really boring.

F*cking right!

[Incognito]

I agree. Start with a ROMANTIC--RRRRRRRRROMANTIC, not sexual--setting and tell her how much you love her and appreciate her staying with you. Tell her about every little thing that you love about her, focusing more on her personality and interests than her body. DON'T bring up sex--don't even THINK about it because she'll pick up on it. Cuddle with her some and then when she's relaxed start kissing her in innocent areas, lips, ears, neck etc. She might tense up, expecting you to go right for the more sexual stuff. If you sense her pulling away a bit, back off. Just work your way into it slowly. Take an entire day if that's what it takes. Hell, take an entire weekend if that's what it takes. Make sure she's comfortable before doing anything remotely sexual. And make it ALL ABOUT HER. Put aside all your frustrations, don't get upset if it doesn't happen instantly. If and when she relaxes enough for you to focus on other areas of her body, KEEP YOUR COOL and don't go straight for the hot spots.

I also wanna say that women are intuitive. Scarily so sometimes. Your feelings about possibly dumping her because of the sex are probably getting through to her. If she feels like sex could ruin your relationship, she's not going to be likely to enjoy it.

As you said earlier I think you are projecting what you are/were missing onto your advice. Sex is not about one person, its about two people sharing themselves. No sexual encounter should be as 'cloak and dagger' as you describe it either. You make it sound like every sexual encounter should be like when a teenaged virgin has his first time. Sorry, most of what you said is ridiculous. There definitely needs to be romance without rushing into sex, but all the "if you sense her pulling away, back off" and "take and entire day.....take an entire weekend if that's what it takes" is absolute BS. Also telling someone that you appreciate them staying with you sounds so pathetic.

[Ariadne]

As you said earlier I think you are projecting what you are/were missing onto your advice. Sex is not about one person, its about two people sharing themselves. No sexual encounter should be as 'cloak and dagger' as you describe it either. You make it sound like every sexual encounter should be like when a teenaged virgin has his first time. Sorry, most of what you said is ridiculous. There definitely needs to be romance without rushing into sex, but all the "if you sense her pulling away, back off" and "take and entire day.....take an entire weekend if that's what it takes" is absolute BS. Also telling someone that you appreciate them staying with you sounds so pathetic.

Well of course he's supposed to use his own words. I wouldn't use the word "appreciate" either but he should try to get that point across to her. You're absolutely right--sex ISN'T about one person. Meaning is ISN'T just about him either. She was a virgin when they got together; he wasn't. He's had an opportunity to enjoy sex; she clearly hasn't. He needs to figure out what she wants, and IF that takes an entire weekend, that's what he needs to do. She's clearly feeling pressured into sex with him and there's not a woman alive that enjoys obligatory sex. He needs to do whatever it takes to make her see that she IS capable of enjoying sex. Once she sees that and enjoys it at least once, I'm sure they'll be able to work from there and compromise with each other on the issue. I'm not saying he needs to do all that every single time, but she's obviously feeling like something is wrong with her because she isn't enjoying sex with someone she loves.

[RdHrshyKss]

i'm agreeing with a lot of what you're saying Ariadne. but i think she should also get checked by a doctor to see if there are any other issues at hand here. because the OP can try all of this, and things still might not change. i think it's only worth putting a lot of energy into this if he truly loves her and if she is MORE than willing to work on it herself as well. it's not all about what the guy does, she has to learn to be a little more open too. but i agree 100% that obligatory sex takes all the pleasure out of it. but from what the OP is saying, she's never enjoyed it. i'm wondering what their first sexual experience was like...maybe he was a bit insensitive to the fact that she was a virgin? just speculation though.

[Ariadne]

i'm agreeing with a lot of what you're saying Ariadne. but i think she should also get checked by a doctor to see if there are any other issues at hand here. because the OP can try all of this, and things still might not change. i think it's only worth putting a lot of energy into this if he truly loves her and if she is MORE than willing to work on it herself as well. it's not all about what the guy does, she has to learn to be a little more open too.

You're right, they might not change. But I think going to a doctor would only close her off to the experience more and further convince her that there's something wrong with her. There very well may be--a hormonal imbalance of some sort--but I think she should try every other avenue before that.

As for her needing to be more open to the experience, you're right. It's impossible to enjoy sex if you're not willing to. But it seems to me like the OP is putting a lot of pressure on her, which could be exacerbating the problem. If you're constantly worried that your boyfriend is going to up and leave you because you're not doing something right in bed, it makes you feel like you don't want to be in bed at all. If it is a matter of her just not being willing to enjoy the experience, there's nothing the OP can do to change that. But it sounds like he wants to try anything to keep the relationship alive, and the best thing he can do on his own is to make sure he's giving her enough attention without forcing said attention on to her for his own purposes.

[RdHrshyKss]

i agree

[Incognito]

You're right, they might not change. But I think going to a doctor would only close her off to the experience more and further convince her that there's something wrong with her. There very well may be--a hormonal imbalance of some sort--but I think she should try every other avenue before that.

So avoid finding out is there is a psychological problem, when that may be the case, in lieu of doing everything else first? Um, ok. Also if she had a hormonal imbalance wouldn't she have physical problems too, like not being able to get wet? It sounds like this is all in her head. I'm not trying to put all of this on her because I have no idea what the OP is or isn't doing. However if he can get her aroused enough to get wet, but she watches tv mindlessly while he goes down on her I think her root problem is mental. You seem to be suggesting that he do more more more while ignoring the fact that she has to try and find answers too. I get the distinct vibe that you feel like he should do everything, while she does nothing. Maybe that isn't how you mean it to come across, or maybe you're doing it subconsciously, but it is really irritating.

[RdHrshyKss]

come on incognito, we all know that it's the guy's job to do all the work. which world are you living in???

j/k j/k.

i can sorta see why Ariadne recommended he work with her on the romance aspect of it first, because she could get swept up in the idea that there is something physically wrong with her, which would deter her from making a real effort on her own.

but like i said before, they BOTH need to be putting effort into this. and i def agree that this sounds like a mental thing, which would make him working with her on this patiently really important. she has to feel comfortable communicating how she's feeling to him and needs to open up a bit to the idea that she might be overthinking things too much.

[Ariadne]

So avoid finding out is there is a psychological problem, when that may be the case, in lieu of doing everything else first? Um, ok. Also if she had a hormonal imbalance wouldn't she have physical problems too, like not being able to get wet? It sounds like this is all in her head. I'm not trying to put all of this on her because I have no idea what the OP is or isn't doing. However if he can get her aroused enough to get wet, but she watches tv mindlessly while he goes down on her I think her root problem is mental. You seem to be suggesting that he do more more more while ignoring the fact that she has to try and find answers too. I get the distinct vibe that you feel like he should do everything, while she does nothing. Maybe that isn't how you mean it to come across, or maybe you're doing it subconsciously, but it is really irritating.

I assume his girlfriend isn't reading this thread, which is why I'm not suggesting things she could do for herself. The reason I said to go to a doctor last is because if there's not a problem in that respect, she'd probably just become 100% convinced that there's nothing she can do about it.

I'm not saying he should do everything, but if he wants to keep the relationship alive then he needs to put in effort too. I clearly said that if she's just not open to the experience then there's nothing he can do. But what he CAN do if he wants the relationship to work is to make sure he's not adding onto the problem. He's so wrapped up in OMGIWANTSEXNOWNOWNOW that it doesn't seem like he's thinking about alternatives to oral and intercourse. Nor does he seem to be considering the emotional aspect of the sex.

I don't see how my advice to someone else should be irritating to you.

[Incognito]

^^^Neither do I, but it was. I do agree that he does need to put forth effort, but as I said you made it sound one-sided. I'll also say that a psychiatrist (or maybe even a psychologist) is considered a doctor. I didn't mean go to her primary care physician to treat physical problems. Her problem is obviously mental.

To the OP: They are right about the fact that there should be more focus on the emotional aspect of sex, especially given the circumstances. Build the moment up with talk, romance, and maybe kissing. Don't just plant your face in her crotch and expect her to jump on you after you get her wet. I have been (perhaps wrongfully so) assuming that you weren't going straight for oral sex or intercourse.

[Ariadne]

@OP: Has your girlfriend ever had an orgasm on her own? If not then she probably doesn't know the signs to look for and focus on when you're together. Have you tried sexting or cybering with her so she can play with herself and figure out how she likes to be touched? She can't tell you what to do for her if she doesn't know herself.

[Ariadne]

Don't just plant your face in her crotch and expect her to jump on you after you get her wet.

That made me laugh so hard I spit coffee out of my nose x_x

[RdHrshyKss]

That made me laugh so hard I spit coffee out of my nose x_x

haha, that image made me laugh so hard i spit water out of MY nose