He's practically a mind ninja. Is he just playing games?

[sadie_genie]

I'm mostly with Sadie, but feel like I should throw this into the mix:

I think he is playing games.

Now does that mean he's a player or there's someone else? No, no. But his actions seems eerily similar to a strategy used by guys who follow "Doc Love." (I get bored on the Internet a lot.) According to Doc Love, the objective of guys should be to raise the interest level of a girl while keeping your own (the guy's) steady, aka make her chomp at the bit for it while you remain cool and "together." According to Doc Love, the way to raise a woman's interest level is to ignore her or act genuinely disinterested at first until she NOTICES you not paying attention to her, then throw her a line in the way of flirting/asking out on dates/etc., then pull back again when it feels as if you're getting TOO interested. (Seems kind of like a seesaw.... Doc Love wants the girl's interest level to be ALWAYS higher than the guy's.)

It sounds like that's kind of what this guy is doing... being disinterested, then suddenly really into you, then disinterested again is a way to keep you on your toes and constantly guessing, thus keeping you confused thus trying to figure it out thus thinking about him thus interested.

Or he might just be a flake.

I read Doc Love too sometimes. But I have a lot of respect for him. I don't think his philosophy should be confused with behavior of jerks. He isn't advocating guys to take advantage of women, he is just trying to help them get women they want. A lot of his advice is intended to calm down desperate guys hence the emphasis on pretending to hide interest. I think a lot woman is threatened by him because his philosophy is to an extent manipulation of human behavior (specifically of woman) but I think a distinction must be made between using manipulation to hurt woman and manipulation to get the woman you want. I respect Doc Love's advice so much that I think alot of the advice can be used on men as well. Attraction isn't a choice (I don't think Doc Love thinks it is) but attraction is more than looks or money.

[vertical_sky]

I read Doc Love too sometimes. But I have a lot of respect for him. I don't think his philosophy should be confused with behavior of jerks. He isn't advocating guys to take advantage of women, he is just trying to help them get women they want. A lot of his advice is intended to calm down desperate guys hence the emphasis on pretending to hide interest. I think a lot woman is threatened by him because his philosophy is to an extent manipulation of human behavior (specifically of woman) but I think a distinction must be made between using manipulation to hurt woman and manipulation to get the woman you want. I respect Doc Love's advice so much that I think alot of the advice can be used on men as well. Attraction isn't a choice (I don't think Doc Love thinks it is) but attraction is more than looks or money.

I'm not a fan of either sex using any kind of manipulation BUT as I mentioned in my 2nd post, there are a lot worse advice givers than Doc Love. He gains some respect from me for calling out bullshit and ripping into a guy if he is using the philosophy not to gain a girl, but to be a jerk/player. I think a lot of "nice guys" who get friend zoned need to read my previous link and Doc Love's advice to understand why women go for "jerky" guys.

[Nice Lover Boy]

Hey CB, hope everything is well. Don't forget about this place. I'm just wondering where you guys went to hang out at.

[sadie_genie]

I'm not a fan of either sex using any kind of manipulation BUT as I mentioned in my 2nd post, there are a lot worse advice givers than Doc Love.

The word manipulation has been given a bad reputation. Manipulation is everywhere. All the love advice in this forum is based on manipulation of behavior. Notice Doc Love's advice is based on manipulation not only of the woman but the man to act in a certain way as well.

[Incognito]

Yeah, I think it's laughable.

Attraction isn't a choice. Most females do not deliberately and intentionally fall for jerks - they go for what is physically appealing to their eye and what they are sexually drawn too and that could be either a jerk or a nice guy.

And think about it. Most guys we meet, start off as 'nice' guys....that is why we fall for them. In the early days they are looking to impress us and are on their best behaviour. It's only further into the relationship and after we have fallen for him, that he begins to show his true colours and we come to realise he's a jerk. By that stage and if a woman loves a guy, she will remain with him and give him chances...

I reckon all this 'Im too friendly', 'Girls only go for jerks', 'Why do nice guys finish last' etc, etc is borne from the mouths of guys who are bitter - bitter that they didn't get the girl and some other guy did.
Truth is, the girl they went for, just wasn't attracted to him.....and rejection for some guys is hard to swallow. Their 'egos' won't admit, she just wasnt into him - there just has to be a reason, why she isn't into him???

Unfortunately I have to disagree with this in part. Yes there are some bitter guys out there that beat the 'women only go for jerks drum' because they were jilted and replaced by someone more dominant, but there are women who go after and fight over proven jerks. I have seen it and it is disgusting. Bob will sleep with Rose and then cheat with her friend Jillian. Then he stays with Jillian while she and Rose feud about who should have him. Then he moves on to another woman while both previous women proclaim that he belongs to them. Its a new world out there amongst young people. This scenario isn't always true, but it isn't a rare occurrence like it used to be.

Yeah sometimes guys show their true colors down the line, but too often I find that women are attracted to alpha-male qualities even though they know the guy is a jerk. Many women have sense not to fall for that, but many (mostly inexperienced women) fall right in. They see the qualities that they like, and look past the qualities that should put up red flags. Men do this too though, which is why an inexperienced man is more likely to focus on a woman's looks more so than her more important qualities.

[xxazurexx]

^I did say 'MOST' women do not intentionally fall for jerks - most, doesn't mean ALL. There are other instances and it would be a l-o-n-g post if I had to talk about instances.

But yeah, course there are women who won't be 'put off' and despite there being 'red flags' all over. The signs are there he's a shithead, such as: he may have cheated on his ex to be with her, which if she had 'common sense' should ring and clear that he may cheat on her! If she had further sense, she would get out while she can!. But some will choose to ignore these signs and then you get those who are too dense to notice red flags....and then some who will accept any old shit from a guy and because she may be desperate to have a man in her life and any man will do.

I think red flags will often be ignored and because a lot of women who ignore them, think she will be 'different' to the rest and that she will be the 'one' to change him or tame him. Or, she loves him and because she is so desperate to hang onto him, she will believe all his shit and take any old shit.

It takes all sorts to make a world.

[Incognito]

I did notice the 'most' in your post. It just seemed by the tone of your post that you believed these women to be in the vast minority. That is the main reason I added my comment. I suppose that it does take all kinds to make the world go around...

[SelflessnHumble]

Oh dear. There are millions of reasons why he may act so inconsistently. Sure, go ahead and try to analyze what YOU did that may trigger him to act like this. But if there aren't obvious reasons, then it is extremely difficult to figure him out. Don't try to psychoanalyze him because you are not a mind reader, nor is anyone else in this forum; the rest of us know him even less than you. When you feel there is something weird going, it is usually not something good. Go with your instincts. Whether he is a player, inexperienced, there is someone else, or he lost interest, it doesn't matter because all that amount to is that he is a project. You don't want a project boyfriend; you want a full human being who is available to be in a healthy and happy relationship with you. So, don't worry about it too much, take a nice bath, have a good night sleep, and let HIM figure it out himself.

The issue I see is that it is always put on the OTHER person without first checking yourself.
This ^^^ isn't the conclusion of determination.

Truth is: sometimes there aren't reasons to explain behavior -even though the person doing it SHOULD know what they are doing.
She also has expectations (which weren't met)
She also had just gotten out of a "bad" relationship.
It sounds like she wasn't ready to dive back in just because she thought the water felt fine.

[xxazurexx]

Incognito, I think when I mentioned 'most', I was more referring to the fact that the 'physical' is what draws most women initially. It isn't a 'jerkish' quality that attracts. ...and she doesn't intentionally fall for 'jerkish' qualities, is perhaps what I should have said.

[xxazurexx]

Actually and thinking about it, women who overlook 'red flags' could well be the MAJORITY....

The 'common sense' woman, is wise enough to leave.....and there are few women who possess common sense when it comes to men, lols

I've always been one to find out I've landed a jerk and a few weeks into the relationship, rather than be aware he may be a jerk beforehand or in the 'getting to know you' process.

[SelflessnHumble]

Actually and thinking about it, women who overlook 'red flags' could well be the MAJORITY....

The 'common sense' woman, is wise enough to leave.....and there are few women who possess common sense when it comes to men, lols

I've always been one to find out I've landed a jerk and a few weeks into the relationship, rather than be aware he may be a jerk beforehand or in the 'getting to know you' process.

The thing is: There are always signs!!!
A woman is willing to overlook them when she is infatuated.

[Incognito]

True, but men do the same thing. Guilty [raises hand], but hindsight is always 20/20.

[xxazurexx]

The thing is: There are always signs!!!
A woman is willing to overlook them when she is infatuated.

Not always my dearest.....

I've known one or two guys who didn't give me any cause in the beginning, to think they were 'jerks'.

But some did I will agree and I overlooked it.

Which is why this beyatch has her head screwed on now

[xxazurexx]

Anyway, if we all took notice of those 'little' things that don't seem right - then there would be no relationships, right??

Nobody is perfect at the end of the day...we all have our faults, small or big.

[sadie_genie]

The issue I see is that it is always put on the OTHER person without first checking yourself.
This ^^^ isn't the conclusion of determination.

I did tell the OP to look at what she may have done to trigger him to act so inconsistently. But unless the cause is obvious, everything else she can come up with are too ambiguous. Here, I am not saying not to look at her own actions at all but that she shouldn't read too much into it to the point where she would start fabricating and making assumptions about him. Not only would it drive her crazy but it wouldn't get her anywhere.

If he is one of those really shy guys, then he is a project which wouldn't make him a good boyfriend.

If he is a player, even more dangerous.

The OP should give the guy some space and let himself figure out if he wants to continue pursuing her.