He's practically a mind ninja. Is he just playing games?

[cherry_bomb]

This is kind of a long-winded story, but I don't know where else to go with it.


Let me begin by saying that this is about a guy from work. I've only known him for about two months, and have only spoken to him a few times.

We work in a food joint, very separate schedules, but are sometimes scheduled together. The first month that we worked together, he never said two words to me--unlike everyone else, who'd come to know me on a first-name basis within the first week I was there.

Then, out of the blue one night, he just started flirting with me non-stop. He was making up excuses to cross paths with me, and even more excuses to make small talk every single chance he got. He wrote a note on my notepad that I take food orders with that said "smile, beautiful", because apparently I always look sad. He even lied about having to stay at work a little bit later, by saying that the manager asked him to do something but he'd forgotten what. I know that he lied, because instead of finding out what it was that he "had to do", he ignored everyone else around the two of us, and focused solely on conversing with me. Then, he left work without ever looking back, without ever doing that thing he said he was asked to do.

I knew that he wanted to give me his number. I don't know how I knew, but I had the feeling. And I was right. The next time I saw him, he didn't even waste a minute before writing his number down and giving it to me. Didn't skip a single beat. Tried his best to find out whatever he could about me with some more small talk.

I texted him that night, we talked for a while to figure each other out. That went well. The next night, things were the same. He texted me first more often than not, multiple times if I didn't answer, always asking about my day or what I was up to. He invited me out to my favorite restaurant a few times, too, but because of our schedule clash, it just never worked out.

Then, early one night, he asked me to hang out. So I went over to his apartment and we literally sat down on his couch and talked until the sun started to rise. He talked to me about something very personal to him, something that I couldn't imagine him sharing with anyone else because of the tough exterior he pretends to have, and he grinned like a fiend the entire time I was willing to listen to him--just because someone was finally willing to listen. I could see that he appreciated it. Aside from that, I know that, like most guys, sex was on his mind. I knew by the way he flirted and by his questions, but I also knew that he wasn't going to try anything with me because I'm about six years younger than him, and in his eyes, it'd be unfair to take advantage of me because of how naive he may think I am.

Anyway, that morning, we ended up cuddling and falling asleep together. It felt so wonderful to be close to someone again...I just got out of a bad relationship and truly thought I'd never feel anything for another person, but he made me realize that I'm more than willing to open up again.

So after that night, we spoke pretty frequently. He said he enjoyed spending time with me and all of that good stuff. He called me one night and told me he was going to pick me up and we were going to hang out. I said okay, and told him I'd call him after I took a shower and got dressed. When I called him, he said he was going to shower and call me back. He never called back. Didn't text me after that, either. I texted him, but he was being cold towards me. One-word answers, not really participating in a conversation.

Today is the first time I've seen him since all of this, at work, by chance. As soon as he saw me, he was all over me, hugging me, playing with my hair, touching my face, talking to me every chance he got, ignoring everyone, etc. The usual. Acting like he never forgot to call me back, acting like he'd never been cold, telling me to come over sometime and hang out. Note: I've never seen him act like this around any of the other beautiful girls at my job, so I know he's not just a huge flirt.

But, then, a few hours into work, he got cold again. Didn't even say goodbye to me before he left, never texted me.

Maybe I'm just expecting WAY too much from someone I hardly know...I just feel like...you know, if a guy pursues you, it's because he's interested. I also feel like a guy will be incredibly persistent when it comes to getting what he wants, and if he truly wanted me...well, he'd have me by now. I even told him that I knew I'd have his number the second time he saw me, and he said "when I see something I want, I go after it...I don't have time for games."

I know the world doesn't revolve around me or anything, but I also know that he's got plenty of time to spend, and it doesn't take much time out of an almost empty schedule to send a text just to say "hey, I'm thinking about you, hope everything is good", you know? 'Cause that's what I feel like a nice guy would do.

Is he just playing games?

Guys, when you're interested in a girl and your ego is about the size of the titanic, what do you do to pursue her?

[Yet another guy]

Maybe he is afraid he is coming on too strong, maybe a bit desperate, and is trying to tone it down?

Or maybe he doesn't think you are interested in him. Are you? If you are, have you shown your interest to him?

Guys, when you're interested in a girl and your ego is about the size of the titanic, what do you do to pursue her?

I'm sorry but I can't answer that. My ego is barely the size of a canoe. I guess it would depend on how reluctant she is to get into the relationship.

[cherry_bomb]

I appreciate your advice. Thank you.

I don't know if he's afraid of coming on too strong. He's initiated everything. He courted me, told me "if you're lucky, I'll give you my number tonight", invited me out, asked me over to his apartment, pulled me down on the couch so he could cuddle with me.

He's got to know I'm interested...I wouldn't flirt with him the way I do if I didn't have any interest in him.

He's made it obvious that he knows what mind games are--he was telling me how easy it is to pick up a stripper, how they all have issues with their parents or dark pasts, and how you just have to make them feel beautiful to get into their heads. He said, from there, they're yours.

He said he hasn't had an actual girlfriend in about six years...hasn't "found the right one". He strikes me as the guy who's just afraid of commitment or something.

Being younger than him, I almost feel like he thinks I'm at a disadvantage. Like I'm stupid, or something.

I don't know where I'm going with this. This whole thing is driving me crazy.

Your canoe remark made me laugh, so thank you.

[Yet another guy]

I don't know if he's afraid of coming on too strong. He's initiated everything.

I meant that now that he has, he might think that it was a mistake and that's why he is acting colder towards you. Maybe trying to let you have the initiative.

Anyway, I'm just guessing. Maybe going cold is part of some weird mind games that are meant to make you feel insecure, who knows.

Your canoe remark made me laugh, so thank you.

I'm glad to be of service.

[Incognito]

Today is the first time I've seen him since all of this, at work, by chance. As soon as he saw me, he was all over me, hugging me, playing with my hair, touching my face, talking to me every chance he got, ignoring everyone, etc. The usual. Acting like he never forgot to call me back, acting like he'd never been cold, telling me to come over sometime and hang out. Note: I've never seen him act like this around any of the other beautiful girls at my job, so I know he's not just a huge flirt.

But, then, a few hours into work, he got cold again. Didn't even say goodbye to me before he left, never texted me.

That sounds rather weird. Maybe he is bipolar? That would explain the sudden radical change in mood/behavior. Other than that there is no rational explanation I can think of without knowing more. Either way it sounds like you need to cut him off and move on.

[erik]

I feel like I know this guy, sounds like he suffers from a bit of "Love Shyness" which I do as well. I've acted this way around women, my confidence around women is usually down but every now and then it shoots right up and I become a completly shameless flirt, then when the usual paranoia hits the center of my chest again I get embarassed about the way I acted and start nit picking at every little thing I said to the object of my effection....was I too loud? did I come off too strong? should I back off for a while? etc. There have been situations where I know women like me but I just can't approach them and the angst builds up over time, it sucks, its social anxiety and it manifests itself in strange ways around women I have feelings for

just a thought, I could be wrong about this guy

[SelflessnHumble]

First off, instead of looking at what he is doing (right or wrong) take a good, hard look in the mirror and ask yourself what you're doing!!??

You just said you got out of a bad relationship, and here you are jumping right into another one??? OOOh Kaaay!
You've got unrealistic expectations concerning what he should do based on his interest in yourself.
He also must have just watched Top Gun with Tom Cruise with a cheesy line like that one, "When I see something I want I go after it..." lolowzers!

He's full of shit, and it's more than likely due to the fact he's an inexperienced dude who's mouth wrote a check his ass couldn't cash, plain and simple.

When I am interested, I romantically but aggressively and decisively take control...I don't play (yes they are games) but his inexperience is written all over his
blue-colored balls, plus I've never heard of a guy giving his number to a girl? I get numbers, I don't give mine out. When I gave out my numbers I had issues with psycho-pathic girls...

If I were you: I'd move on and don't shit where you sleep (don't date people you work with) ....Why?
If you do: mark my words you are going to want to kill him eventually when you two stop dating...and you will have to see his face...day in + day out!

[Nice Lover Boy]

I would think this guy is just messing around. Six years without being in any relationship just pretty much says he doesn't want anything serious.

But, keep us updated as we could still be wrong.

[cherry_bomb]

I'm just going to ignore the replies on here that pissed me off, and update for the last person who asked.

I decided to hang out with him one more time.

He's not a player in the sense that he's making promises to love me forever while actually only having one thing on his mind.

Instead, he made it very obvious in the way that he treated me like an object rather-than so much as a friend-that he truly doesn't want a relationship, and is only pursuing getting my pants off of me.

Which is okay. At least I realized before it was too late. And now I'll know a player when I see one.

[sadie_genie]

Oh dear. There are millions of reasons why he may act so inconsistently. Sure, go ahead and try to analyze what YOU did that may trigger him to act like this. But if there aren't obvious reasons, then it is extremely difficult to figure him out. Don't try to psychoanalyze him because you are not a mind reader, nor is anyone else in this forum; the rest of us know him even less than you. When you feel there is something weird going, it is usually not something good. Go with your instincts. Whether he is a player, inexperienced, there is someone else, or he lost interest, it doesn't matter because all that amount to is that he is a project. You don't want a project boyfriend; you want a full human being who is available to be in a healthy and happy relationship with you. So, don't worry about it too much, take a nice bath, have a good night sleep, and let HIM figure it out himself.

[vertical_sky]

I'm mostly with Sadie, but feel like I should throw this into the mix:

I think he is playing games.

Now does that mean he's a player or there's someone else? No, no. But his actions seems eerily similar to a strategy used by guys who follow "Doc Love." (I get bored on the Internet a lot.) According to Doc Love, the objective of guys should be to raise the interest level of a girl while keeping your own (the guy's) steady, aka make her chomp at the bit for it while you remain cool and "together." According to Doc Love, the way to raise a woman's interest level is to ignore her or act genuinely disinterested at first until she NOTICES you not paying attention to her, then throw her a line in the way of flirting/asking out on dates/etc., then pull back again when it feels as if you're getting TOO interested. (Seems kind of like a seesaw.... Doc Love wants the girl's interest level to be ALWAYS higher than the guy's.)

It sounds like that's kind of what this guy is doing... being disinterested, then suddenly really into you, then disinterested again is a way to keep you on your toes and constantly guessing, thus keeping you confused thus trying to figure it out thus thinking about him thus interested.

Or he might just be a flake.

[xxazurexx]

^Those books are an utter load of shit.

I can't speak for all females but if some guy was pulling that crap on me, blowing hot and cold, it for sure wouldn't raise my interest.I like to see an interest from a guy I am interested in and the more interest, the better. It's his interest level that lets me know, whether I'm wasting my time or not - and a guy blowing hot and cold, would indicate I was wasting my time and I'd move on.

[vertical_sky]

^Those books are an utter load of shit.

I can't speak for all females but if some guy was pulling that crap on me, blowing hot and cold, it for sure wouldn't raise my interest.I like to see an interest from a guy I am interested in and the more interest, the better. It's his interest level that lets me know, whether I'm wasting my time or not - and a guy blowing hot and cold, would indicate I was wasting my time and I'd move on.

I am in total agreement, I think they are worthless as well, but some guys do swear by them. Look how many guys on this forum claim girls love jerks and drop their panties for the first guy that treats them like dirt... Doc Love is just kind of an off branch of that philosophy (though reading through his advice letters, I'll give him credit for calling out guys who disrespect women and demanding they treat females as human beings with feelings.)

[xxazurexx]

Look how many guys on this forum claim girls love jerks and drop their panties for the first guy that treats them like dirt....

Yeah, I think it's laughable.

Attraction isn't a choice. Most females do not deliberately and intentionally fall for jerks - they go for what is physically appealing to their eye and what they are sexually drawn too and that could be either a jerk or a nice guy.

And think about it. Most guys we meet, start off as 'nice' guys....that is why we fall for them. In the early days they are looking to impress us and are on their best behaviour. It's only further into the relationship and after we have fallen for him, that he begins to show his true colours and we come to realise he's a jerk. By that stage and if a woman loves a guy, she will remain with him and give him chances...

I reckon all this 'Im too friendly', 'Girls only go for jerks', 'Why do nice guys finish last' etc, etc is borne from the mouths of guys who are bitter - bitter that they didn't get the girl and some other guy did.
Truth is, the girl they went for, just wasn't attracted to him.....and rejection for some guys is hard to swallow. Their 'egos' won't admit, she just wasnt into him - there just has to be a reason, why she isn't into him???

Doc Love is just kind of an off branch of that philosophy

And getting rich quick, lol

[vertical_sky]

This pretty much sums up my opinion on "nice" guys who whine about women getting jerks:

[url=http://divalion.livejournal.com/163615.html]The Holy Drive-Thru of Lurve - No More Mr. Nice Guy[/url]