my bf's platonic friend

[IncognitoSir]

Honestly, that's BS. A **** buddy is just that. They used each other for sex and sex only. Friends.........whatever. All he's thinking about is the super sex they used to have. He's a selfish ass hole. Don't lower yourself to deal with shit like this. Don't sacrifice your happiness for his selfishness. I'd dump a chick in a heart beat if she told me she was hanging out with her old **** buddy.

[Yet another guy]

I'm 21 and i've been with with my boyfriend for a little over a year now. He has a close friend now but they used to be friends with benefits before we dated. When we started dating they were not talking at that time (some friends quarrel)it was all good then. but now he talks with her and it really bothers me.

Why does it bother you that he talks with his friend? Yes, I understand it has to do with him having had sex with her sometime in the past. But I still don't understand why it bothers you. As I understand, they aren't having sex anymore. Neither do they seem have any romantical interest in each other. So what's the problem?

Everytime I address my feeling he just accuses me of being jealous (which i probably am) and not trusting him. but its more than just that for me.

You are implying that you don't trust him. That's a BIG problem. You shouldn't try to control your boyfriend because of your insecurities. Instead, you should work on the insecurities themselves.

It doesn't seem to bother him about what I feel anyways.

Really? To me, his reaction pretty much spells bothered. And frankly, I'd be pretty bothered myself if I had a girlfriend who thinks she can decide which of my close friends I get to keep.

I'd have a hard time believing the only reason he keeps her around now is because she makes great conversation.

Why? Are you suggesting that girls who have sex aren't good at conversation? Or that they can't be good friends? I find that ridiculous.

[Wakeup]

^^^ You'd be a good **** buddy but a lousy relationship partner by the sounds of things. In fact you and the Op's bf's FWB would probably be perfect for one another. People who don't have any personal or relationship boundaries and who cannot emphatize with the feelings of their partner (as in how they would feel with them hanging out one-on-one with a **** buddy) don't make good life partners. It's as simple as that. You cannot be in a relationship and still act single with members of the opposite sex. It's against human nature and the possessive way humans love one another.

[Yet another guy]

^^^ You'd be a good **** buddy but a lousy relationship partner by the sounds of things.

Thanks for the former... I guess. I'm going to assume that you make such claims based on the reasoning in the rest of the post. What kind of personal boundaries are you referring to? Why do you assume I don't have those? Relationship boundaries depend on both parties, don't they? Due to my shyness, I haven't had a chance to be in a relationship yet, but one boundary that I would make clear is that I won't try to get in between my SO and her friends. Much less close ones.

Also, I'm probably emphatizing to a fault. Another reason, why I'm single. I'm just not macho enough. But you do raise a good point. I probably went too far imagining the situation due to lack of details. From the boyfriends reaction, I assumed that OP was telling him to stop talking to her. That would make his reaction quite justified and would drown any empathizing feelings at that moment. Now that I re-read her post, she doesn't specify that she asked such thing. If she was just saying that she's bothered, my reaction would have been empathizing - even though I don't understand the reason. In such case her boyfriends reaction seems a bit defencive.

[Wakeup]

I think the thing here is that these two people weren't platonic friends for many years. They were fk buddies which is a whole different spin on things than accepting your partners platonic friends of the opposite sex. I know of NO woman who would be happy with their partner spending one-on-one time with someone who's only history was the connection to each other genitals. They may have formed a friendship after continuously fking one another but that would indicate to me that they have deeper feelings for one another along with a sexual attraction... Being alone together is crossing the boundaries of respect to his primary partner. He's putting his relationship with his fk buddy ahead of the feelings of his partner. She isn't being unreasonable or clingy but for good reason her gut is trying to tell her something.

If you had ever been in a relationship with someone that you loved and didn't care to share with another man then you would understand completely why this scenerio is not conducive to a happy and content, angst free union with your primary partner. You'd not like your partner hanging out one on one with a former fk friend no matter how much you thought you trusted her... it would be an emotional betrayal to say the least even if they weren't still sexually active with one another. Remember: This man is drinking and "chilling" with this girl who he once saw strictly for physical release. Think about that for a sec or two, even if he's capable of totally separating sex from love that won't sooth his exclusive gf's devestation if she's to find out he's still doing her. If hes NOT still doing her then he's emotionally connected to her.. Lose/Lose for our sweet Opening Poster.

[lahnnabell]

Why? Are you suggesting that girls who have sex aren't good at conversation? Or that they can't be good friends? I find that ridiculous.

I see what you're getting at, dude... But would you be cool if your girlfriend spent tons of alone time with an ex-fk buddy of hers? Technically, it really just comes down to this girl leaving or staying. I think I would choose to leave because like I said, "I'd have trouble believing they weren't screwing anymore." W

When you get into a serious relationship with someone, that should be a major priority. If he doesn't want to make her a priority, then he's treating her like he treated his fk buddy. We have sex, and I like being around you, but you have absolutely no influence over my life in any way. And I don't need to take you into consideration when making decisions. That shit hurts. The real issue isn't this guy's friendship, it's his lack of priorities.

[Yet another guy]

@Wakeup
Just because they had some fun together, it doesn't mean that they weren't friends before or during the time they did. They still are friends, which suggests to me that they haven't developed any deeper feelings like you suggest. If they really had feelings, wouldn't it be too painful for them - or one of them if it's one sided - to be together? At least that's something I have experience of. There's no way I could keep her around if I had feelings for her. "Being alone together is crossing the boundaries of respect of his primary partner"... I agree, that would be crossing the boundaries. He shouldn't need to stop talking to her alltogether though. I see nothing wrong with him spending time with her if his gf or some other friend is along either.
If he really was cheating on her, wouldn't he want to keep his friendship to the mistress secret? The chances of getting caught are astronomical. Why would he even want to **** her? He has a girlfriend. Doesn't she take care of that now?
"If hes NOT still doing her then he's emotionally connected to her." Do you mean emotionally connected as in "deeper feelings"? Having had sex with her in the past doesn't exclude the possibility outside of those two possibilities. That they are just friends like OP states. If by emotionally connected, you mean as in close friends and that's "Lose" situation for OP, how could she accept any friend of his?

@lahnnabell
Maybe I wouldn't be cool if my gf spent tons of alone time with an ex FWB but I would trust her enough not to demand her to stop talking to him (or her if my gf is bi) entirely. If there was no such trust, the relationship would be doomed were there an ex FWB or not.
Why would you have trouble believing that they weren't screwing anymore? Couldn't you stop ****ing someone if you once started? If you can't trust your partner enough to not **** other people - assuming you aren't into polyamory - you need to work on your insecurities, in my opinion.
When I some day have someone as my first priority, I won't let her take control of all aspects of my life. For example, I won't let her get in between me and my close friends. If she has a problem, I'll try to understand, comfort her, maybe make some concessions, but I wouldn't dump a close friend for someone I've known for a year. Enabling such controlling behaviour is not the way to go.
To me, the problem here seems to be lack of trust.

[lahnnabell]

@lahnnabell
Maybe I wouldn't be cool if my gf spent tons of alone time with an ex FWB but I would trust her enough not to demand her to stop talking to him (or her if my gf is bi) entirely. If there was no such trust, the relationship would be doomed were there an ex FWB or not.
Why would you have trouble believing that they weren't screwing anymore? Couldn't you stop ****ing someone if you once started? If you can't trust your partner enough to not **** other people - assuming you aren't into polyamory - you need to work on your insecurities, in my opinion.
When I some day have someone as my first priority, I won't let her take control of all aspects of my life. For example, I won't let her get in between me and my close friends. If she has a problem, I'll try to understand, comfort her, maybe make some concessions, but I wouldn't dump a close friend for someone I've known for a year. Enabling such controlling behaviour is not the way to go.
To me, the problem here seems to be lack of trust.

I have a good example for this. Before my boyfriend and I got together, I had this great friend (A). A and I have been friends since 2009. Around that time I had just broken up with my serious boyfriend and so A and I made plans to hang out. I knew very well that we were attracted to each other. Sure enough we hooked up and continued to do so for sometime. I knew he was not good boyfriend material (not financially stable, no priorities), but he was a great friend and we had awesome sexual chemistry. Eventually I met someone and A and I stopped seeing each other. He called me and texted me every now and then, but out of respect for my boyfriend, I blew A off. My boyfriend was very much a priority for me and A respected those boundaries. Until we broke up. Not too long afterwards, A and I started hooking up again. It was so easy with him. It was nothing more than sex and hanging out and I could come and go as I pleased.

I met my current boyfriend this year. A and I hooked up a few times before my boyfriend and I made it official, but after that I did the honorable thing and stopped meeting up with A. I know that our sexual chemistry is through the roof and while I can certainly avoid jumping his bones, it's not fair to my boyfriend to put myself in that situation when I KNOW better. I know what I'd be playing with and that's not cool. My boyfriend takes really good care of me and deserves my respect.

[Yet another guy]

Is that your answer to my question "Why would you have trouble believing that they weren't screwing anymore"?
Are you suggesting that if you hadn't cut contact to A (which I feel unnecessary) you couldn't have prevented yourself from ****ing him?
Assuming your asnwer is no - I really hope so - I still don't understand why you wouldn't believe that.

As a side note, why do so many women consider finances when choosing a boyfriend?

[lahnnabell]

I would have trouble believing they weren't screwing because the entire nature of their friendship revolved around sex like my relationship with A. Sexual chemistry is a very potent thing. I consider myself to be a very sexual person, and I know that A would enjoy messing with me if he could get me to consent. It'd just be making trouble for myself. Outside of sex, A and I don't have much of a friendship. I don't have any other need to be around A except when I want an itch scratched. Now my boyfriend can do that AND rub my feet AND make yummy chicken, etc. The perks are way in favor of the boyfriend.

Like the time I stopped by the local bar my boyfriend and I chill at one night to grab a drink (boyfriend was away at the time). The owners and the bartenders know both of us. So, when a random guy asked me to dance, I declined. It could have been harmless fun, but I know that people talk and I didn't need any stupid, exaggerated BS getting back to my boyfriend.

Having your finances in order means you are responsible and you can manage money. This is a good quality to want in a future mate because it means that you can help provide stability for a future family. If you're nothing more than a fk buddy than I don't care about finances, just that you have enough to cover dinner and buy some condoms.

[oldskool83]

a friend is a friend, a f-buddy is somthing or was somthing more, it could happen again. id never hang out with one while having a g/f. in fact ive stopped that stuff when meeting someone who ment somthing to me.

[Yet another guy]

Hmm, perhaps I'm overestimating peoples ability to restrain themselves when they are in an exclusive relationship.

@lahnnabell
"Outside of sex, A and I don't have much of a friendship." That's where your situation is different from the OPs. Her boyfriend has a close platonic relationship with the friend.
Yeah, flirting with strangers is quite offensive to the SO. Chatting to friends, I could let pass.

Hmm, now that I got thinking, I'd hate to have a girl friend who enjoys sporadic shopping sprees. I guess I'm conserned with that too.

@oldskool83
A friend is a friend even after you've ****ed them. It may develop into a relationship but in this case it didn't.

[lahnnabell]

I have plenty of platonic male friends that I hang out with without my boyfriend's consent. I do not have any sort of sexual history with these guys though, and they respect my boyfriend and my relationship.

Like I said, there's no point in hanging out with someone I was once FWB with.

Relationships are about compromise. If the OP is going to continue to try to be okay with this arrangement, the least her boyfriend could do is include her at least 50% of the time they hang out. Or just turn it into a big group activity. If it's strictly platonic, then there's no reason they can't include anyone else. I'm sure it would make the OP much happier and the boyfriend could keep his friend.

I'd only have a reason to be selfish with my friends if I were hiding something. I have an ex that would behave like this. Keep telling me everything was cool, but rarely took the time to introduce me to any of his female friends. This alone made me uncomfortable, especially when they would call him at stupid hours of the night. Man, I should've dropped his ass so many times over.

And yeah, the finances thing isn't strictly about how much you make annually. That helps, but it's more important if a person knows their means and doesn't stretch beyond it.

[Yet another guy]

Like I said, there's no point in hanging out with someone I was once FWB with.

Even if you had a close platonic relationship with them?

Relationships are about compromise. If the OP is going to continue to try to be okay with this arrangement, the least her boyfriend could do is include her at least 50% of the time they hang out. Or just turn it into a big group activity. If it's strictly platonic, then there's no reason they can't include anyone else. I'm sure it would make the OP much happier and the boyfriend could keep his friend.

I agree completely This is what I've been saying all along. There's no need to stop talking to her entirely. Taking the girlfriend along is very good compromise. Something that I already suggested too

[lahnnabell]

I don't have platonic friendships with my FWB. Either it very quickly makes the jump into FWB, or it stays platonic. That's why people talk about how sex ruins friendships. Either someone gets attached or you just can't go back to the way things were and I've never met anyone different from myself. Sex tends to complicate matters whether we like it or not, so I simplify it all by separating sexual desire from my friendships. Perhaps if I gave myself a cooling off period (kinda like after a break up), I could try to reestablish the friendship. I'm good friends with a lot of my ex boyfriends, but even still I'd never try to hang out with them alone on a regular basis. Even if I met up with one for coffee, I'd make sure my SO was cool with it. That's showing proper respect for the priorities in my life (for me anyway).