Confusing relationship with ex bf..help!!

[Wakeup]

Seriously? You can't do what is in your own best interests in the long run? That means you have an addiction to this man and the push pull that he does to you. Yes, an addiction. You do know how you overcome an addiction right? You do it by abstaining from doing the thing you are addicted to. Cold turkey withdrawl, nothing less.

You are not the only personal in the world that has gone through the pain of a breakup and as when you are withdrawing from an addictive substnace, the first days or perhaps weeks are the worse to get through so you fill your time doing things that are healthy and that will help you to withdraw with more ease. You can give into your pain for a day or two and cry your fking guts out, but after that you pull up your big gurl panties andyou carry on with your life and you don't let the drug you are withdrawing from overtake your good senses now that you're becoming clean and sober from it.

You go through pain every day that he does'nt give you what you want, each day he keeps you while not really giving himself steals a tiny little bit of your self-worth away from you, each day he gives you another hit of him after withholding your drug of choice (him) from you, you become more and more dependent and stagnated in your fear of being without... just like any pusher does to any of their buyers does.

Learn to love yourself enough to know that you can overcome this addiction. You can because we all have done it and we've lived to overcome and love someone who actually wants us the way we want them. Get the book The Five Stages of Grief and begin.

[Kealy]

I text him to say we should not be in touch anymore unless he decides he wants me back. He said he understands but doesn't want me to go but wants the best for me. This is going to be so hard and I am dreading it. Thank you so much for giving me strength and making me see things more clearly. I have a feeling I will need some more help from now on... I'm so sad right now.

[smackie9]

Now you can finally close this chapter of your life and move on. You will feel at a loss for a week or two but it does get better.

[Wakeup]

I text him to say we should not be in touch anymore unless he decides he wants me back. He said he understands but doesn't want me to go but wants the best for me. This is going to be so hard and I am dreading it. Thank you so much for giving me strength and making me see things more clearly. I have a feeling I will need some more help from now on... I'm so sad right now.

Stay storong, Kealy. The very fact that you've taken back some of your personal power will help you to let go of the pain quicker. When you are in control of yourself (the only person you truly only have control over) then we tend to accept things that much quicker. Feel free to vent here and we'll do our best to support you.

If you do the work to consciously change your thoughts of him and not dwell, you will do fine in your moving on.

Best wishes.

[Kealy]

Thanks for your support. I have been generally ok today as I was busy in work but now I am home I can't help but keep checking my phone and wondering if he will text. Even if he did, what would be the point....I just can't believe we are really over. Just need to keep reminding myself to look forwards and not back. It just hurts so freakin much. I hate this so much. I wish I had never met him.

[Kealy]

Managed to get to day two of no contact....how pathetic that I think that is an achievement after 5 months of breaking up. Just want him to tell me it will be ok. Miss him.

[Wakeup]

Managed to get to day two of no contact....how pathetic that I think that is an achievement after 5 months of breaking up. Just want him to tell me it will be ok. Miss him.

Those are all natural feelings that with time (and what you do with your time) will diminish. The more you work on yourself by improving and boosting your own self-worth, the quicker you will heal and you'll make better choices in the future because of your new love of self and confidence level.

You're probably not very motivated to join groups or the gym or classes of interest (like wine tasting or ball room dancing or salsa or such) at the moment but when you're feeling better those are fun things to do to keep you mind busy. Co-ed sports teams like volleyball or baseball (even bowling or team golf) are good ways to meet both men and women and boost your overall confidence. In the meantime get thee self to the Self Help, Self Improvement, and General Interests sections of your local book store or library and choose some titles that you know you could improve yourself in. Now is the time for you to be the best you that you can be.

You're going to be fine, just don't have expectation about your NC leading to anything and you'll be fine and remember if he does contact you anything less from him then "I've come to realize you are who i want." Is unacceptable. If you accept and go back to a libo state you will have to start this process all over again from the beginning.

[Kealy]

Thanks wakeup. I am trying to be social and active as I know it helps me feel better about myself and at least it is constructive. I still hope he will text but I know he won't and that says it all doesn't it. I feel like I've done absolutely everything I can to show him how much I love him. Time to move on now..

[bcgirl]

what is the hardest thing to overcome is not HIM.....it's the habits that you've become very comfortable around. You are set in your routine. You know that you have a boyfriend, someone you can "rely" on, someone you can talk to about your day, someone you can hang out with when you are bored etc. etc. It's all an illusion. It's the whole life change that is making it hard for you to leave. You need to be okay with the fact of being alone for a while. When you accept this, everything will be okay. Now pull up your socks, lift up your confidence and quit being his little puppy dog. He has you wrapped around his finger, and today is the day you release yourself from his finger!!!

[Kealy]

I'm doing better this time than any other time I tried to do NC. It is a relief not to be staring at my phone now and wondering when he will text (cos now I know he won't) and it's nice to not feel angry about him not getting in touch. I've set some goals to work towards and am looking forward to the plans I'm making. I know it's easier during the week with work and I am kind of dreading the weekend and being alone, wondering what he is doing. I do really miss him but we have been apart now for 5 months so the wrenching feeling of loss I had in the beginning has subsided. At the start I couldn't make it an hour without crying, even in work. I was a mess. But it is so much easier now. I really hope I'm not being over positive about this! Am I?!

[Wakeup]

I'm doing better this time than any other time I tried to do NC. It is a relief not to be staring at my phone now and wondering when he will text (cos now I know he won't) and it's nice to not feel angry about him not getting in touch. I've set some goals to work towards and am looking forward to the plans I'm making. I know it's easier during the week with work and I am kind of dreading the weekend and being alone, wondering what he is doing. I do really miss him but we have been apart now for 5 months so the wrenching feeling of loss I had in the beginning has subsided. At the start I couldn't make it an hour without crying, even in work. I was a mess. But it is so much easier now. I really hope I'm not being over positive about this! Am I?!

You're doing good, chickie. Chances are you'll have a bad day here and there but as time goes on you'll have less and less of those. Try and make some plans to do something fun with your female friends or failing that, get on the net and see if there is some classes or adventures that you might be interested in starting up. meetmarketadventures.com will allow you to meet both male and female singles of like mind. It's always nice to have lots of interests and activieties and friends and that way you'll be a well rounded and interesting person when you're ready to meet your next romantic partner.

Congratulations on taking care of your own best interests and being with enough self-worth to do what's hard but obviously was necessary. it's nice to read.

[Kealy]

Thank you wakeup! Honestly your advice really did help me to see that I was my own worse enemy. Friends have said the same thing but I didn't ever want to listen to it. I think I've just gone through 5 months of hell and I've just had enough of feeling like that. I wish I could be this strong all the time but I know there will be more hard times ahead. I am just so glad that I feel hopeful rather than hopeless as I have done for so long. What a slog. Have no urges to contact him at all though. I hope that doesn't change!!

[Kealy]

Oh no, help! He called me today and I answered. I couldn't believe when I saw his name calling...he has barely called at all since we broke up, and certainly not ever if I enforced NC. I don't know why I answered, but I did. He was crying. He said his beloved dog was ill and dying. He said he wasn't sure whether to call and he was sorry if he upset me, but that he was the first person I thought of to help him. I consoled him and offered sympathies. He asked a little bit about how I've been this week and work etc, then I said I better go. He sent a couple of texts which I responded to, saying he was sorry if calling upset me, but he felt so much better for 'hearing my little voice' with a million kisses on the end.. Sigh. My fault. I just couldn't ignore him. I know I won't (or will try) not to initiate contact but I don't know if I can ignore him What's going on?! Why do that?

[Wakeup]

He's doing it to see how far he can keep you but at the same time not have to give himself to you. You're being strong and he's now wondering if he can still pull you in.

If I were you, I'd do nothing for now and keep healing away as you've been doing (don't let this make you think of any expectations or hopes). If he contacts you again with bs small talk or MORE manipulative reasons to just keep himself in your head, renting space for free there, then text him back, or tell him if he's called and you'ved picked up that unless he is calling to tell you how much he wants to be your bf again, you'd appreciate it if he left you alone. Then listen to what he has to say and then say goodbye without comment if its not about you and he getting back together.

There is only ONE good reason why you should be talking to him and that is if he's told you he's made a mistake and he wants you bac. You dig?
You've already done the "being friends" thing without him committing. I don't think you need to be doing that again, eh?

[Kealy]

No I know. I do agree, it's just so hard, especially when he is so upset about something like this, I just want to help him. He was my best friend for so long it hurts to hear him so upset. I am sure he doesn't mean to me manipulative, but I know it is not in my best interests to pander to it. I hope he doesn't think I am terribly heartless if I don't text him to ask how his dog is but I know I shouldn't. It would just be easier if he didn't do this.