Not being treated the way you treat them

[michelle23]

I think you have different love languages. You show your love through gifts-but he probably has a different language to you. You should look them up together and do a quiz so you can understand how to communicate love and affection to each other.

What was the relationship like before the breakup? Has this issue with him not making an effort and not posting pics of you always been an issue or is it recent? Perhaps he feels insecure and is afraid to get too close to you again incase you hurt him? Is he worried that your family doesnt like him?

I see the fact that he wont put pics etc up as a red flag. Are u sure hes not keeping his options open? Its really strange after 5years that he wouldnt want the whole world to know your his. You need to get to the bottom of that and find out why hes keeping you a secret online.

[cool hwhip]

"it's not something we look back on or anything like that. It's definitely an obstacle we've overcome so it doesn't concern much. "
It seems like you are strongly pushing your perspective on the aftermath of the break up, almost like you are the only one who experienced it. You know, people can carry anger towards a partner for a lifetime about something that happened years, decades ago. A lot of guys tend to swallow emotional wounds deep inside because he is the MAN and should keep it shut. I am not saying his behavior towards you (lack of it) is justifiable. I am just saying that a small tiny part of him hates you and causes this cold shut down behavior.
Definitely tell him you are not ok with this and try to fix it now. If talking doesn't work, you may have to open up your social circle a little bit and meet and socialize with other guys. That should get his attention.

[MD27]

I think you have different love languages. You show your love through gifts-but he probably has a different language to you. You should look them up together and do a quiz so you can understand how to communicate love and affection to each other.

What was the relationship like before the breakup? Has this issue with him not making an effort and not posting pics of you always been an issue or is it recent? Perhaps he feels insecure and is afraid to get too close to you again incase you hurt him? Is he worried that your family doesnt like him?

I see the fact that he wont put pics etc up as a red flag. Are u sure hes not keeping his options open? Its really strange after 5years that he wouldnt want the whole world to know your his. You need to get to the bottom of that and find out why hes keeping you a secret online.

I have considered this. I've thought about the fact that maybe some people just don't show their love the same ways. That's why I wonder if my needs seem unreasonable in general.

Prior to the break up we were fine. Our break up wasn't minor but wasn't major either. I know 5 months is a while but it was during the first year of our relationship and it was because of silly high school drama that we never look back on or even talk about. Our relationship has really grown emotionally since then.

In fact, we were good friends for 2 years prior to dating, and throughout that time he showed the world that I was one of his best friends. But when we started dating, we kept it a secret because we didn't want our immediate family to know since we were young and our parents are traditional South Asian parents and they would put unnecessary pressure on us at the time. So that was sort of used as an excuse at first, but as of the last 3 years everyone knows, and since then I have posted photos all the time. But he hasn't seem to catch on...

I don't think he is worried about his family not liking me at all because I know pretty much all of them, extended family included, and in fact I have close relationships with a few of them.

So going back to your point about love language - all along I figured maybe he's just a private person when it comes to love, as he wasn't like that when we were friends, and he does post photos of his other friends online to date. I have tried to ask and he says I shouldn't make an issue out of it because it doesn't mean he loves me any less and he says he has no problem posting photos of me/us, but he never actually does it. That issue that I talked about when he deleted the photo I posted, he really just brushed it off and said he was sorry but I shouldn't look at it as anything more.

[cool hwhip]

Well maybe it wasn't nothing major for you. And maybe he went through hell, then got back with you, put on a smile and decided to date to until he finds someone else. Although many people here identified what could be the problem, you keep on being hung up on this love language and photo posting. Shows me you might have a pretty naive picture painted on what exactly is going on. just saying

[bearz]

You said he is affectionate, but from what you have told us so far that doesn't really seem to be the case. He doesn't go to social events with you. When you argue, you are usually the one who reaches out and apologizes. He doesn't want the world to know that you two are together. He never does the little things, and neither does he shower you with expensive gifts. What are you really getting out of this relationship?

[MD27]

Well maybe it wasn't nothing major for you. And maybe he went through hell, then got back with you, put on a smile and decided to date to until he finds someone else. Although many people here identified what could be the problem, you keep on being hung up on this love language and photo posting. Shows me you might have a pretty naive picture painted on what exactly is going on. just saying

Hi cool hwhip. Thanks for both of your posts.

The break up was more or less because we both agreed on the space. When we started seeing each other again, I felt his love for me was more genuine than ever because we were a part. At the time, I didn't notice these little things because I was simply happier that I was with him again.

When I do step back and take a look, sometimes I do feel like maybe I'm the naive one. But at the same time he is affectionate verbally and physically all the time. I wish I could just look inside his heart and see what's really there.

[MD27]

You said he is affectionate, but from what you have told us so far that doesn't really seem to be the case. He doesn't go to social events with you. When you argue, you are usually the one who reaches out and apologizes. He doesn't want the world to know that you two are together. He never does the little things, and neither does he shower you with expensive gifts. What are you really getting out of this relationship?

I appreciate your points. Reading it over and asking myself the same question, I can tell you that I do believe his feelings are there. He's affectionate verbally - he tells me all the time that he loves me and he does compliment me often. Also physically - he does hold my hand in public and privately, and he always holds me reactively and proactively. Because of things like this, I appreciate our relationship for what it is, but those additional things that I've shared don't seem to occur to him as an additional way to define his love for me. That's why I'm so confused and wonder if it's just his nature and whether I'm asking too much of it.

[cool hwhip]

If you mean by looking inside his heart - talking to him about this seriously and NOT running after him and being clingy, then I say its a great idea . Good luck girl

[bearz]

Actions speak louder than words. Someone can tell me they love me all day long, but if I don't feel it those words mean nothing. I'm pretty sure he does have feelings for you, and him wanting to be physically close to you is a good sign, especially when he initiates it. I assume there are no issues in the bedroom?

Bottom line is, you are not happy. And you need to communicate that to him.

[VerticalMoon]

I agree with Michelle that you may just have different love languages. I think it's unfair to hold the fact that he hasn't spent money on you against him when you haven't even told him it bothers you. The first year my husband and I were together, he spent about $5 total on gifts for me the entire time. That's the cost of my Christmas gift, my Valentines day gift, and my birthday gift from him that year all added up together. Finally, after he promised to get me something for my birthday and completely forgot, I had a talk with him. That was over ten years ago, and it's never been an issue since then. He's good with getting me stuff on the holidays. He buys me chocolates and flowers every now and again just because. It's been a complete turn around. But it took that one conversation to change things. So I don't think you're unreasonable to expect him to spend a little bit of money on you every now and again. I do think you're being unreasonable to expect him to know it matters to you when you haven't said anything.

As for the arguing, I think the most important thing is that he can admit when he's wrong and apologize. Some people just don't like to rehash things too much because they're nervous about starting the argument back up all over again. Now, if he won't discuss the problems at all, then you should be concerned. But I don't get the sense that's the case. He does talk about things. He just wants to let them go and put things behind you after the fact. It doesn't make either of you right or wrong. It's just a different way of doing things. You'll just need to pay attention to your feelings and figure out when you really need to continue discussing things or when you can put them behind you.

It sounds like he really doesn't like being around your family. Either consciously or subconsciously, he's avoiding them. You're right that if it bothers you, he should make more of an effort. But if this is the only other on-going issue you have after this many years together, that's pretty normal.

Over-all, it sounds like he does love you, and like he does express his feelings. I don't really get the sense from anything in your post that the problems in your relationship are too serious. Just talk to him about them, and continue trying to work things out.

[IndiReloaded]

Or, alternative hypothesis - some people are just less considerate of others. Even with different love languages, you can still *feel* someone's effort from the heart, you know? The reasons--selfish or just immature--doesn't change the fact you are left feeling unsatisfied.

FlaCooln has called this one, I think. In the end, both people have needs that deserve to be met.

[michelle23]

Its obvious he loves you but you do need to have a serious talk with him. Dont let him brush it under the carpet or ignore it. Tell him you need to talk about it. And dont go off track by pointing out other minor things. Just stick to these two things 1/. not spending enough time with family 2/. keeping you a secret online.

If he cannot give you any answers again-Id say its time to throw a little hissy fit so he knows you mean business! Just walk away and ignore him until hes ready to talk about these issues. I know its not the most mature thing to do but it works. The silent treatment always works.

[MD27]

Actions speak louder than words. Someone can tell me they love me all day long, but if I don't feel it those words mean nothing. I'm pretty sure he does have feelings for you, and him wanting to be physically close to you is a good sign, especially when he initiates it. I assume there are no issues in the bedroom?

Bottom line is, you are not happy. And you need to communicate that to him.

No, no issues in the bedroom as all. I agree - I'm not normally afraid to talk to him about things but this felt strange that my actions to him were not being reciprocated. I needed the assurance that I wasn't asking for much, and if it seemed abnormal to others. I'm planning to speak to him about it as openly as my post. Thank you again bearz!

[MD27]

I agree with Michelle that you may just have different love languages. I think it's unfair to hold the fact that he hasn't spent money on you against him when you haven't even told him it bothers you. The first year my husband and I were together, he spent about $5 total on gifts for me the entire time. That's the cost of my Christmas gift, my Valentines day gift, and my birthday gift from him that year all added up together. Finally, after he promised to get me something for my birthday and completely forgot, I had a talk with him. That was over ten years ago, and it's never been an issue since then. He's good with getting me stuff on the holidays. He buys me chocolates and flowers every now and again just because. It's been a complete turn around. But it took that one conversation to change things. So I don't think you're unreasonable to expect him to spend a little bit of money on you every now and again. I do think you're being unreasonable to expect him to know it matters to you when you haven't said anything.

As for the arguing, I think the most important thing is that he can admit when he's wrong and apologize. Some people just don't like to rehash things too much because they're nervous about starting the argument back up all over again. Now, if he won't discuss the problems at all, then you should be concerned. But I don't get the sense that's the case. He does talk about things. He just wants to let them go and put things behind you after the fact. It doesn't make either of you right or wrong. It's just a different way of doing things. You'll just need to pay attention to your feelings and figure out when you really need to continue discussing things or when you can put them behind you.

It sounds like he really doesn't like being around your family. Either consciously or subconsciously, he's avoiding them. You're right that if it bothers you, he should make more of an effort. But if this is the only other on-going issue you have after this many years together, that's pretty normal.

Over-all, it sounds like he does love you, and like he does express his feelings. I don't really get the sense from anything in your post that the problems in your relationship are too serious. Just talk to him about them, and continue trying to work things out.

Thank you for your advice VerticalMoon.

I agree, it is unreasonable for me to complain about him not buying me gifts without confronting him about it. I really just wasn't sure if that's the type of thing that only some men do and others don't, especially given the way I treat him - going back to love languages. I thought about it some more and felt maybe he just has become comfortable with our relationship and feels no need to make me feel special. I'm going to talk to him about it.

As for the arguing, I really liked what you said because it makes sense that some people do just handle things differently. He definitely makes the effort to discuss the problems, but sometimes it comes up short for my liking. But again, some people do prefer to just put things behind and I completely agree with you. Thank you for that.

For that recent engagement I talked about, he said he did want to attend, and I think he says that to make me happy more or less. And I've tried to ask him directly if he just doesn't feel comfortable around them, and he says no. It could be subconsciously. It's been an on-going issue as of the last year or so because that it was just as of then that he met them. I guess I will see how things unravel for this for other events, and I'll get my answer.

Thank you for the assurance. Deep down, I do believe he loves me. I want to be with him so making the attempt to work things out is the way to go. Time will tell. Thank you so much!

[MD27]

Its obvious he loves you but you do need to have a serious talk with him. Dont let him brush it under the carpet or ignore it. Tell him you need to talk about it. And dont go off track by pointing out other minor things. Just stick to these two things 1/. not spending enough time with family 2/. keeping you a secret online.

If he cannot give you any answers again-Id say its time to throw a little hissy fit so he knows you mean business! Just walk away and ignore him until hes ready to talk about these issues. I know its not the most mature thing to do but it works. The silent treatment always works.

Thanks michelle23.
Hearing "it's obvious he loves you" first feels good. I do believe it. I like your idea about narrowing it down without kind of just throwing points at him. I'm going to talk to him and see where things go. And yes, I agree that sometimes the silent treatment does show that the problem is serious, especially given that I don't do that to him often (nor does he). Worst case scenario, I will try that. Thank you!!

Do you think the "keeping me a secret online" truly is just him keeping me a secret? Because all of our closest friends and family members know of us. When I've tried to confront him the in the past, he says that it doesn't mean anything at all and the time he deleted our picture it wasn't intentionally done because it was a photo of us. Also he's argued that he rarely takes photos of us together (it's always me with my phone or camera) hence why he doesn't post them and he's told me to start doing it for him, but I don't wanna do that. Seems forced and not special at all, whereas I know some guys that take pictures of the gf alone while they're out and about and just post them because they can.