Not being treated the way you treat them

[MD27]

My boyfriend and I have been together for the last 5 years. I am 22 and he is 21 - so we are both relatively young and we started dating at a young age. Overall, we have both been happy together in our relationship. Aside from about a 5 month break up, there hasn't been any major issues that has left either of us heartbroken, cheating included. Generally, he is very affectionate and is not afraid to be open about his feelings towards me when things are great.

My concern however is based on feeling less important to him as he is to me, and I just don't feel as though I am his first priority.

Recently there was an extremely important event that I asked him to attend with me weeks in advance and for different reasons and at the very last minute he did not come. It was a family member's engagement party, and he has met them before and they all got along great, and frankly it was embarrassing that I showed up alone. If his excuse was reasonable I definitely would have understood. And above all, this is NOT the first time. In fact, I can only recall one time that he actually followed through with a similar plan but even then I feel like it seemed a bit forceful. The same pattern does not happen for our plans alone, and I have indeed confronted him about whether it's because he feels uncomfortable around my family members and he has said NO. In fact, I am always spending time with his family which he proactively introduced to me, and I make his family events a priority all the time. So I don't get it. And even if the type of event doesn't seem all that appealing, why wouldn't he make it important knowing how important it is to me?

When we are in an argument, he doesn't have much to say in order to make up. 95% of the time I am the first to say sorry, or I am the first to reach out to him. Depending on the situation, he will either voice his concerns loudly or not have anything to say. My concern more or less is to find a resolution to the problem, and he does not seem to think that's necessary after an argument. I have told him many times that during arguments that he makes it seem like he is just waiting for me to get over the situation and that there is no need to talk things over and everything will be back to normal, which is not how things should be. In fact, he will not drop what he is doing to respond to my texts effectively knowing I'm hurt. If something may be obviously his fault, like the scenario that I described above, he will say sorry, but he won't say or do much after that all. Whereas when I'm sorry, I say and do everything possible to show it. Which brings me to my next point...

This is the one concern I haven't voiced to him before. He does not show that he has been thinking about me in thoughtful ways. I hate hate HATE to admit it because I don't want to sound materialistic, but it just makes me sad sometimes that he doesn't ever buy me flowers or chocolates, or do little gentlemen-like things that show me that I am in his thoughts. Most occasions (birthdays, holidays, etc) he has gotten me gifts, although a few have been skipped because he couldn't afford it which is understandable. But when he has been able to afford it like presently, he does not feel the need to get me anything, or even pay for my meals. For atleast 2 years of our relationship I have been the one to pay for our meals because he was jobless. And on that note, I always shower him with gifts, occasion or not. I keep note of little things he loves or desires and I love surprising him. I can see how happy it makes him but he never does the same for me. For example, I work about 30 minutes away from his home, and I have asked him to come visit me during my lunch break so many times, and he hasn't done it once. Yet, when he used to go to school 2 hours away, I would make weekly visits. I just haven't found the courage to talk to him about this because I don't want to seem materialistic or greedy.

Lastly, if you were to come across one of his social media profiles, you could never observe that he is in a relationship. He doesn't share photos of us together. This is strange because all of his close friends and family members know me well, and like aforementioned, he is never hesitant about me joining them for events or outings. One time, I posted a picture of us which he deleted, and this made me so sad. When I confronted him, he said that it meant nothing when he deleted it but I don't know what to think. And again, this is completely different from my profiles, where I share tons of photos of us together, and he actually has told me before that he LIKES when I do that. So what the heck? Recently, we went on a trip and he posted a photo of the mountains, and when I commented on it online, he basically asked me not to delete the comment because it's going to seem like we are "showing off". I interpreted this as him just being embarrassed of me somehow - is that an over reaction?

I do best to make him feel special because he is, but I don't feel that in return. Am I being unreasonable? Again I am well aware that we are still young, but are my expectations too high? I know we both have lots of growing up to do, but we've grown up together in the last 5 years, and I feel like I am still dating a boy and not a man.

I will appreciate any advice. Thank you in advance.

[MD27]

For my second last paragraph, I meant he asked me TO DELETE the comment, whereas I accidently stated he asked me not to delete the comment.

[lamobatsman]

this makes me laugh. cos i do all teh things you want him to but girls dont like that from me. treat them like shit and girls stay. look at you!

[MD27]

The thing is he has never cheated nor do I have to worry about him involving himself with another girl. I trust him in that sense and I am grateful that the way I am treated in that sense is appropriate/right. But I just wish I could see if I really as important to him as he says.

[FlaCooln]

So let me basically sum up your issue with your BF....You feel underappreciated and sometimes a lack of consideration/affection. Sounds like my last relationship.

You seem to be the giver in the relationship and him the taker. I would sit down and talk to him about it openly. However, it may just be his nature. I know I discussed it wih my exGF many times and she would try for a little and then go back to her selfish and unappreciative ways. I had the same issue with family events...we always went to hers which were super boring and were all day affairs. While mine she would make an excuse or if we did go we always had to leave early. It is hard being with someone like that because you just want that same consideration and thoughtfullness in return. It hurts when you give so much because you care and barely get that in return. Trust me it will leave you empty, which should never happen in a good relationship.

All I can suggest is just talk to him about it and really let him know how you feel. It is up to him to give you what you need. If he does not, then move on. You are young there is plenty more to see out there.

[MD27]

Wow it's great to hear someone who understands. You summed it up perfectly. I have tried to talk to him but not as openly as this post, so I'm going to try to do so. And it being his nature is what I am afraid of, but then I have to wonder, is that because he may not love me enough? Or is it more or less about maturity level?

[cool hwhip]

You briefly mentioned a 5 month break up like it was something super minor. However I have a feeling there is a lot more into it. 5 months is a long time apart! You wound't really know what he went through emotionally and mentally whether it was his or your decision. He may have a completely different outlook on this relationship after being separated for 5 months. I say he just lacks commitment and is scared to give himself away emotionally. Have you noticed any changes after that break up?

[FlaCooln]

Wow it's great to hear someone who understands. You summed it up perfectly. I have tried to talk to him but not as openly as this post, so I'm going to try to do so. And it being his nature is what I am afraid of, but then I have to wonder, is that because he may not love me enough? Or is it more or less about maturity level?

In my case she loved me dearly. I think it is a little bit of a maturity thing, but it is likely his nature. Some people are just selfish and you being such a giver makes it even easier for him to take.

I was with my exGF almost 5 years, the last 2 of which we lived together. It just ate away at me and I realized that I was good for her, but she was not good for me. If you are already feeling some resentment or even anger towards him you really need to talk about it, as it is not going to get better on its own.

[bearz]

And it being his nature is what I am afraid of, but then I have to wonder, is that because he may not love me enough? Or is it more or less about maturity level?

I'd say those two things go hand in hand with each other. One, you are both still young and still have to experience and learn a lot. Two, as cool hwhip mentioned you had a breakup and depending on how long ago that was it might still affect his feelings for you. However, putting all of this aside, the way he treats you right now isn't something you should have to keep up with, no matter what his reasons are. I think it is really important to be affectionate and do the little things for each other. Just meeting you for lunch occasionally is a lot more important than buying you an expensive gift... which he hasn't done either. Just showing the other person that you care about them, making them feel loved... in other words go the extra mile, is what a relationship should be all about, you give and take equally. This clearly isn't happening in your case so you need to talk to him about it.

[FlaCooln]

Definitely agree with what bearz said. The little day to day things and affection mean much more. To me they show WAY more thoughtfullness.

[MD27]

You briefly mentioned a 5 month break up like it was something super minor. However I have a feeling there is a lot more into it. 5 months is a long time apart! You wound't really know what he went through emotionally and mentally whether it was his or your decision. He may have a completely different outlook on this relationship after being separated for 5 months. I say he just lacks commitment and is scared to give himself away emotionally. Have you noticed any changes after that break up?

You're right - I did mention the break up like it was minor, but because it happened 4 years ago (during the first year of our relationship) we've both overcome it completely considering involved petty high school drama that seemed like everything at the time. I know it's sound silly but it's a long story and it's not a hard place that we go back to at all.

Since the break up, we've actually gotten much more closer emotionally, and he assures me of his feelings for me a lot, whether I ask for that assurance or not. But it seems like it's all words and no action. That's my concern.

Thank you for responding as well!

[MD27]

In my case she loved me dearly. I think it is a little bit of a maturity thing, but it is likely his nature. Some people are just selfish and you being such a giver makes it even easier for him to take.

I was with my exGF almost 5 years, the last 2 of which we lived together. It just ate away at me and I realized that I was good for her, but she was not good for me. If you are already feeling some resentment or even anger towards him you really need to talk about it, as it is not going to get better on its own.

I do feel like resentment is building because of it and you're right, it will only progressively get worse. Thank you FlaCooln. Even though it's the little things that matter, did you ever feel as though your expectations may have been too high and you would not find the right one?

[MD27]

I'd say those two things go hand in hand with each other. One, you are both still young and still have to experience and learn a lot. Two, as cool hwhip mentioned you had a breakup and depending on how long ago that was it might still affect his feelings for you. However, putting all of this aside, the way he treats you right now isn't something you should have to keep up with, no matter what his reasons are. I think it is really important to be affectionate and do the little things for each other. Just meeting you for lunch occasionally is a lot more important than buying you an expensive gift... which he hasn't done either. Just showing the other person that you care about them, making them feel loved... in other words go the extra mile, is what a relationship should be all about, you give and take equally. This clearly isn't happening in your case so you need to talk to him about it.

Thank you bearz! I do appreciate both of your points. The breakup was essentially minor, it happened during our first year together and it's not something we look back on or anything like that. It's definitely an obstacle we've overcome so it doesn't concern me much. But I do agree with you about giving and taking needing to be equal in an relationship. I am glad that my needs are not actually unreasonable; I wasn't sure if I was asking for too much. Thank you again!

[FlaCooln]

I do feel like resentment is building because of it and you're right, it will only progressively get worse. Thank you FlaCooln. Even though it's the little things that matter, did you ever feel as though your expectations may have been too high and you would not find the right one?

No, I don't settle. I don't think its too much for someone to care about your day, family, or just plan a meal for you. She never did that and I always did the heavy lifting of the relationship. She loved me, but I couldn't love her anymore. I am 31 and broke up with her about 8 months ago, it was probably the hardest decision of my life. I focused on my career a bit more, got a promotion and life is good. I am happy again and I know I will find the right one.

[MD27]

No, I don't settle. I don't think its too much for someone to care about your day, family, or just plan a meal for you. She never did that and I always did the heavy lifting of the relationship. She loved me, but I couldn't love her anymore. I am 31 and broke up with her about 8 months ago, it was probably the hardest decision of my life. I focused on my career a bit more, got a promotion and life is good. I am happy again and I know I will find the right one.

Wow - that is absolutely wonderful that you built the courage to make a change and move on. Good for you. What you mentioned about settling is key - I think settling for mediocrity will always feel unsettling. And I guess when you know someones not right for you, you just know. I just hope in my case my small sense of resentment doesn't snowball into me getting that feeling about my BF because I do want to be with him. I will be sure to take your advice though and time will tell from there. Thank you again for all your help.