Lost - Need Your Insight!

[Tessa2015]

Sorry guys, I accidentally smashed my phone..taken a little bit to get a new one to get back on here.

We do have money but my husband doesnt like spending much...correct. He gets really moody with it and resentful towards me when we have to. When we moved to where we are now he turned as soon as it was time to pay money. I thought it was to do with the affair, seeing how recent it was, but it turns out he was just irritated with spending money and so I was blamed ( even though it was him insisting we move). Its just him really. I've come to accept and expect it but I do tread carefully and try to avoid outbursts at the same time to try to keep peace. If he comes back with me home we WILL need someone or some help like Wakeup mentioned though. But we'll see what happens...he may decide its too hard and not come back with me yet.

Thats why I wanted to ask if it was too much of me to want to return to a place that holds bad memories for him? Is it unfair of me to ask him to? If thats the case we might as well just go our separate ways now. Its so strong in me to go back - I never wanted to move away...
I'm trying so hard not to be selfish right now though and trying to consider his feelings... but as much as I'm trying to see and feel from his position ..I just cant seem to. Its like that part of me is non responsive/ blocked at the moment.

Smackie9 - do you think this is a punishment moving away? Considering what I did I kind of felt like my feelings were irrelevant compared to his .. I felt and STILL feel incredibly awful about the pain I caused him.....he ran though and took me with him..but I feel it was also a pride/ego thing, as well as getting me away from the guy in question.

I hope this post isnt all over the place...I guess I have been using this forum as a safe place to vent..my thoughts just seem to tumble out through my fingers..I'm not thinking, just typing and I've probably been repeating myself 😕

[solarion]

Am I correct in assuming there are no minor children involved? The way you talk about your husband makes it sound like this affair is a symptom of a larger problem. If that's the case you'll have to face the fact that you're heading toward misery, divorce, or both unless you make some changes. Therapy is cheaper than divorce and is the right thing to do as you've agreed to be married for better or worse.

[Tessa2015]

Am I correct in assuming there are no minor children involved? The way you talk about your husband makes it sound like this affair is a symptom of a larger problem. If that's the case you'll have to face the fact that you're heading toward misery, divorce, or both unless you make some changes. Therapy is cheaper than divorce and is the right thing to do as you've agreed to be married for better or worse.

We have no children no. I agree about therapy..as per past discussions about it..its a hard one to pin down. I've made my mind up about going home. I'm at the point where I'm ready for either scenario to happen. He comes with me .or .he stays and we break up. I'm sick of thinking and tired of pretending. If I can get us to therapy I will .but I have no expectations. My patience is non existent these days..I find myself just snappy and constantly irritated. We have a holiday planned this month.i'm hoping that will help...and maybe we can talk again

[basilandthyme]

Tessa, when you imagine going home without your husband, what emotions do you feel? Be honest

[Tessa2015]

Tessa, when you imagine going home without your husband, what emotions do you feel? Be honest

Honestly...mainly scared but I also get a sense of relief...a freeing sense of relief.

I've recognised I have relied on him for so long that its incredibly scary thinking he wont be there..one thing about him..no matter how many faults I say he has (we all have them!)... He's always had my back...he's dependable. He's a born leader...confident, strong minded...I do feel safe with him. But then I wonder what happened to that confident, self sufficient, 'never needed anyone to prop her up' girl I was when I first met him.

[smackie9]

No it's like he HAD your back at one time, and WAS strong and confident, and now you wonder what happened to the man HE WAS. He took you away and now holds you like a prisoner, not even considering how YOU feel or what YOU want.

[solarion]

No it's like he HAD your back at one time, and WAS strong and confident, and now you wonder what happened to the man HE WAS. He took you away and now holds you like a prisoner, not even considering how YOU feel or what YOU want.

What makes you say that? I don't get most of that from what the OP has said.

We both hate it here. He has said we're moving after this year.

I 've spoken about separating but he won't hear it, he says he can't live without me. Personally I'm not sure how he can stand to be with me still.

I do love him but my head is so messed up from last year and I'm sure his is as well...he is not an emotional, let's talk about it, type. Half the time i have to guess what he's thinking.

I wouldn't say he's desperate . And he could definitely replace me in a heartbeat, most girls are attracted to him.He has a strong personality and doesn't lack confidence.

To me it seems like he is just trying to pretend it never happened,and if he has to acknowledge it the blame is put on the other guy, not me. This I am not comfortable with as I am just as much at fault.

...etc.

Sounds more like hubby is an alpha male that isn't now and likely never has been very comfortable dealing with deeply emotional issues. Further, it sounds like hubby is confused, frightened, angry, and is doing the best he's able to not direct this anger at his wife and it is instead leaking out in other ways. Many boys are taught almost from birth that emotional displays are "bad" and must be suppressed because they're a sign of weakness. Frankly, I think the majority of this comes from being raised primarily by women. These boys grow to become men that aren't at all comfortable discussing squishy soft emotional issues. Unfortunate, but nothing the OP has said leads me to conclude that hubby has changed notably in this regard since they were wed.

[smackie9]

Yes he's a big chicken s hit and is blinded by his own fears, not listening to her, or considering her feelings. He's being a boob, and she needs to pack up her s hit and go back home with or without him. It might be the only way for him to snap out of it and realize it's gotta get dealt with. People like this in general, ( it's not just a man thing), need a good dose of reality to push them in the right direction.

[solarion]

Yes he's a big chicken s hit and is blinded by his own fears, not listening to her, or considering her feelings. He's being a boob, and she needs to pack up her s hit and go back home with or without him. It might be the only way for him to snap out of it and realize it's gotta get dealt with. People like this in general, ( it's not just a man thing), need a good dose of reality to push them in the right direction.

Honestly...mainly scared but I also get a sense of relief...a freeing sense of relief.

I've recognised I have relied on him for so long that its incredibly scary thinking he wont be there..one thing about him..no matter how many faults I say he has (we all have them!)... He's always had my back...he's dependable. He's a born leader...confident, strong minded...I do feel safe with him. But then I wonder what happened to that confident, self sufficient, 'never needed anyone to prop her up' girl I was when I first met him.

He's not the only one that's afraid and mired in self doubt.

His wife cheated on him, first emotionally and then physically. He's rightly afraid of losing her and is doing what he believes is necessary to save their marriage(keeping her away from the guy she cheated with). If you carefully examine the terms the OP uses to describe her husband you'll note they're nearly universally positive. Her complaint about him is that he's not prone to easily discussing deeply emotional issues. "My husband is a bottler - he pushes all his emotions down and puts a nice presence on top". Sounds like the "problem" can be summed up as...he is *still* the guy she married.

[smackie9]

He might be the "same" guy she married, but his behavior towards her has definitely changed. The cheating is not a symptom but an end "result" of underlying issues like the lack of communication amongst others yet to be discovered. In order for her to "change" his behavior is to act on it, take control of the situation instead of letting him stick his head in the sand like a flippin coward, making her feel miserable which will eventually end this relationship if she doesn't step up. He is doing more damage than her cheating. He doesn't trust her, bottom line....that is what has changed.

[solarion]

He might be the "same" guy she married, but his behavior towards her has definitely changed.

That much seems apparent, but is it not understandable given the fact that his wife betrayed him? Is marital infidelity ever justifiable? If so, in which case(s)? Is it acceptable, in your opinion, for a spouse to cheat because their significant other is not meeting their needs?

The cheating is not a symptom but an end "result" of underlying issues like the lack of communication amongst others yet to be discovered.

Disagree. How can we determine that infidelity is an end "result" when we don't know how this situation will end? Until the situation is resolved, the cheating is by definition a symptom. I'm uncertain what was intended by the bolded portion of your comment. It seems the lack of (deep) communication has been a fixture of the marriage since there's been a marriage.

In order for her to "change" his behavior is to act on it, take control of the situation...

She already has acted to "change" his behavior...she slept with another man and now she's seeking objective advice in the "Ask A Male Forum" to figure out what to do next. Remember, he(hubby) insisted they move away due to the affair. I've seen nothing to indicate that he bodily forced her to leave their home.

making her feel miserable which will eventually end this relationship if she doesn't step up.

The OP has already stated that hubby is NOT directing anger at her, and that she wishes he would. IOW she's making herself miserable. "To me it seems like he is just trying to pretend it never happened,and if he has to acknowledge it the blame is put on the other guy, not me. This I am not comfortable with as I am just as much at fault."

He is doing more damage than her cheating.

On what do you base that opinion? Perhaps more importantly would your opinion remain the same if he had cheated on her?

He doesn't trust her, bottom line....that is what has changed.

That is what tends to happen when people betray another's trust.