Lost - Need Your Insight!

[Tessa2015]

I cheated on my husband. At first it was an emotional affair (I didn't consciously realize this at the time), but late last year it turned into a physical affair. I told my husband, he said we had to move to stay together, 2 weeks later we were in a new house in a different town.

We both hate it here. He has said we're moving after this year. I want to move back to my home (where affair took place, guy still there) but he says no. I feel like he's just trying to run away, but what I've done will still be between us in another town.

I 've spoken about separating but he won't hear it, he says he can't live without me. Personally I'm not sure how he can stand to be with me still. I'm thinking I should make that choice for him and maybe he'll be happier as well.

I do love him but my head is so messed up from last year and I'm sure his is as well...he is not an emotional, let's talk about it, type. Half the time i have to guess what he's thinking. I'm not sure if i'm making any sense but I have no one else to talk to about this so please, your thoughts on what I should do...what might possibility be going on inside his head.. would be appreciated. Thx

[basilandthyme]

I feel for you Tessa. I can't give advice on what to do, but I can give some ideas to think through which would give more clarity.

About your husband wanting to be with you still. Some people are understanding and forgiving of an affair. While I wouldn't condone an affair, I would forgive if it was a one off. So, perhaps your guy is one of these types. Alternately, perhaps he's the kind who can't function without you - in a sad and desperate kind of way. This can happen to people who are lacking in self esteem and self worth. Do you think he's forgiving or sad and desperate?

As for the affair, I tend to believe that we become much more at risk of having an affair if our needs aren't being met in the relationship. Now, you say you want to leave; is this because you have been unhappy for a long time or is it because you don't like the current situation?

I'll come back after you've had a chance to read this.

[Wakeup]

I have no one else to talk to about this

Yes you do. You have a good personal therapist that you could talk to ~ In order to find out why you allowed yourself to cross relationship boundaries with someone else. You also have your husband to speak to about this and tell him what you feel he isn't providing for you to the point that you sought it out in another. You also have marriage counsellors that you and your husband should be speaking to if you ever want this marriage to survive until death do you part while being HAPPY within your union.

Just a guess on what is going on inside his head: Fear, insecurity, planning ways to isolate you from other men, attempting to get back his ballzzz by being the one who is in control.

Get the professional help you two need to get back on track. If he won't go, you definitely get that personal therapy because when you have help figuring yourself out, you'll know what to do with the rest of your life.

[david367412]

I'm kind of going through a similar situation. I'm not married but my girlfriend and I have lived together for 2 years. She thinks she can't live without me but refuses to work out go back to schools. I want out but I care about her. I think the beat thing to do is make the decision for him. No matter how much it hurts, you have to do l whats best for you. Life is too short to settle.

[Tessa2015]

*Do you think he's forgiving or sad and desperate?

I wouldn't say he's desperate . And he could definitely replace me in a heartbeat, most girls are attracted to him.He has a strong personality and doesn't lack confidence. To me it seems like he is just trying to pretend it never happened , and if he has to acknowledge it the blame is put on the other guy, not me. This I am not comfortable with as I am just as much at fault. I've said this many times and he kinda just shrugs it off and changes topic.My husband is a bottler - he pushes all his emotions down and puts a nice presence on top...then something 'little' happens, and he'll explode into an angry person.*He seems to be calm with the big stuff ( affair) and angry over things like ..spilling a drink on the floor.

As for the affair, I tend to believe that we become much more at risk of having an affair if our needs aren't being met in the relationship. Now, you say you want to leave; is this because you have been unhappy for a long time or is it because you don't like the current situation?

The emotional side was lacking I suppose. My husband and I have always been close physically but we hardly ever talk on a deeper level. We never knew what was happening in each others lives outside of the home. I never had to lie to him about affair because he never asked me about my day and to be honest when he did he wasnt listening anyway. I stopped asking him because he always said work was work, nothing interesting ever happens.I never realized, even when I was friends with other guy... I dont think I ever connected it to my marriage . We could sit for hours just talking about everything and everything... nothing was taboo and there were no judgements. We were friends like this for around 3 and a half years. My husband knows this, and at end of last year, early this year...we did talk a bit about it all. And he did try for around a month to communicate more but now its back to how we were. Sorry this is so long! I just think at times I'd be better by myself...I think he would also be happier if he just let me go but he can be dark at times and has indicated at harm to himself if that happens...he's even said that he understands how a man can kill his wife and then himself because the woman drove him to it. So even though I know these are things people just 'say' and not necessarily mean..that's also in the back of my mind. I'm just confused as to the right thing as I'm also aware that all this mess is my fault.

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Yes you do. You have a good personal therapist that you could talk to ~ In order to find out why you allowed yourself to cross relationship boundaries with someone else. You also have your husband to speak to about this and tell him what you feel he isn't providing for you to the point that you sought it out in another.

We did speak end of last year when it happened and also beginning of this year. I haven't held anything back, he knows it all. My emotional side wasn't being fulfilled is what my conclusion is. That and I was a selfish brat. We also spoke about marriage counseling and he seemed agreeable but whenever its brought up, the $ matters ( we have a joint bank account so there's no distinction between MY money or HIS money). And I kinda feel that if we DID go and it DIDNT work out between us...there would be major issues because it would be wasted money in his eyes and it would be my fault. So I hesitate to pursue that right now as I know what he's like. You might think that's an excuse but I've experienced it first hand, for example when we moved house. As for myself, yes I need to do something or work something out to get some help so I can think clearer. He doesn't really want to talk / acknowledge any of it much anymore. I think its just easier pretending it never happened.

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I'm kind of going through a similar situation. I'm not married but my girlfriend and I have lived together for 2 years. She thinks she can't live without me but refuses to work out go back to schools. I want out but I care about her. I think the beat thing to do is make the decision for him. No matter how much it hurts, you have to do l whats best for you. Life is too short to settle.

Sorry to hear that David. Its not easy, especially when you care about the person ( and in my case already hurt them!). I sometimes think that I should of said no to moving last year. But seeing my husbands pain tore me up and an obligation, I suppose, creeps in. I agree with you about doing what's best for you... Its hard to know whether to go with your gut, or if you're just being delusional or selfish though. Which is what I'm trying to determine right now about myself. Fear is a large part I think as well. I've been with my husband since I was 21and I'm 33 now...its all I've known for so long! Thanks and Good luck with your situation as well!

[basilandthyme]

Oh dear. Why am I not surprised that you strayed? It sounds like the two of you are living next to each other instead of with each other.

The whole thing about not having the money for marriage counselling? It was like that with my ex-h too. (note the ex!). It wasn't till I'd given up and left that he finally came around to the idea - but by then, it was too late. Thing is though, counselling is a whole lot cheaper than divorce.

Regarding the counselling: The very first thing the counsellor will do is ask both of you if you want to try to save the marriage. Knowing this, in your heart of hearts, will your answer be "yes", "unsure" or "no"? Because if it's a "no" then counselling will be a waste of time.

Have you looked at Relationships Australia? They are not-for-profit so may be more affordable. [url=http://www.relationships.org.au/]Welcome to Relationships Australia ? Relationships Australia - National site[/url]

[smackie9]

Tessa what do you truly really want?? Without him and his behavior involved.....just for a moment, what is it that you really want at this time in your life. Obviously the first thing is to be back home. Other than that what else?

[Wakeup]

I wouldn't say he's desperate . And he could definitely replace me in a heartbeat, most girls are attracted to him.He has a strong personality and doesn't lack confidence. To me it seems like he is just trying to pretend it never happened , and if he has to acknowledge it the blame is put on the other guy, not me. This I am not comfortable with as I am just as much at fault. I've said this many times and he kinda just shrugs it off and changes topic.

Have you ever asked him if he's had an affair? Maybe that's why he's so quick to not want to leave you and why he blames your affair partner and not you???

[Tessa2015]

Oh dear. Why am I not surprised that you strayed? It sounds like the two of you are living next to each other instead of with each other.

The whole thing about not having the money for marriage counselling? It was like that with my ex-h too. (note the ex!). It wasn't till I'd given up and left that he finally came around to the idea - but by then, it was too late. Thing is though, counselling is a whole lot cheaper than divorce.

Regarding the counselling: The very first thing the counsellor will do is ask both of you if you want to try to save the marriage. Knowing this, in your heart of hearts, will your answer be "yes", "unsure" or "no"? Because if it's a "no" then counselling will be a waste of time.

Have you looked at Relationships Australia?

To be honest we've always just been comfortable, I've never thought of us as living next to each other instead of with each other but I guess you're right. We've always gone on holidays etc with each other, and he doesn't have many mates (by choice) so if we hang out on weekends we hang out together. We have plenty to say about..well..crap really..just not about stuff that matters. He isn't an emotional person whereas I am. I'm more attracted to minds than looks. Looking back now I'm not sure how we even ended up together...but I was alot younger also. And he is a good person.

To answer the question if I want ro save marraige I would say I'm Unsure. Mainly because I really don't know. I feel like I'm in a halfway place within myself. I'm just trying to do the right thing for the both of us while trying not to let my selfish streak take over in my choice. I do love him but just not sure if I'm IN love anymore or if I'm just clinging to familiar. I'm a Taurus..change is not my forte! Thank you also for passing on the details for relationship Australia, Will have a look at their site ☺

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Tessa what do you truly really want?? Without him and his behavior involved.....just for a moment, what is it that you really want at this time in your life. Obviously the first thing is to be back home. Other than that what else?

I want to go home and that's all I know 100 percent. I feel like I want to break free but I'm not sure what from. My guilt, my husband, my life? ..I just don't know. I feel like I broke us. The rest I just don't know 😞

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Have you ever asked him if he's had an affair? Maybe that's why he's so quick to not want to leave you and why he blames your affair partner and not you???

He said there was some flirting with a young rep from his work for awhile last year but he never pursued it or did anything about it. He said his mind thought about it but his brain knew it was wrong so he didn't do anything about it even though she was keen. He reckons he saw her maybe every couple of weeks when she came into work to do orders.Not sure if I believe him completely but I have no reason not to and considering what I did its minor.

[smackie9]

I feel this is what your husband is doing....trying to run away from the marital problems you both are facing. This is why it's not working....you could live on the moon, still doesn't change the fact that your marriage is in jeopardy.

Time to revisit the conversation of moving back home. Tell him that moving isn't going to make this go away. It's making you both unhappy and need to figure out a better solution.

If he refuses, then you pack your stuff up and leave without him. He doesn't own you, you are your own person with your own free will. He can't stop you, he can't make you not go back home. It might be to push he needs to get a reality check that the only way to work on this is to talk openly about it and find a solution to all the issues that are still there.

[Tessa2015]

I feel this is what your husband is doing....trying to run away.. The only way to work on this is to talk openly about it and find a solution to all the issues that are still there.

I think the running away part is spot on. That's what I felt last year as well but I figured it was worth a try. The problem is , as I mentioned in my first post, that the guy who I became involved with is back home still as well. So I understand why my husband doesn't want to move back. And its also whyI'm trying to get others point of view rather than just relying on my own mind and wants. I don't want to go back for the other guy, I just want to be home. My friends are there also...although now I probably have a few enemies as well because of what I did but I'm ready to face that. My husband and I have spoken (briefly) about returning home and he knows its in my heart. I've tried to tell him he has nothing to feel ashamed about ( impression I got) , that I was the one who people would think badly of, not him..but I was ready for that and was confident I can get past it all OK and move on with life. He still says it can't happen. And I 'm unsure if I'm being selfish again and not taking his feelings into account by persisting. If your partner did what I did, could you live near the person they did it with? That's why I've been thinking its time to let go. But once again I'm interested in your point of view. It should really be a no brainer I guess..but I'm second guessing my own thoughts and feelings. I almost feel emotionally dead right now although I still have masses of them swirling around!

I really do appreciate all who have contributed in this thread! x Its almost therapy itself!

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Sorry I posted rather quickly on my last response, I hope it makes sense! I feel like I'm just going around in circles here and I'm sure its all pretty clear what I want to do..maybe...so I'm going to condense my dilemma a bit, perhaps more information on what i did, because sense is coming through from what you've all been saying...So...

I want to go home, this is a definite. I am thinking I've already made my mind up about this because its such a strong urge inside me. I'm not happy, neither is my husband, although he says he's fine most times. I feel guilt over what I did to him but the sad part is that I was so happy during that time period ( yeah I know it wasn't probably real). The other guy wanted a life with me so I feel guilt over him as well...no matter how good I thought it felt around him, you can't build a solid relationship on top of infidelity. Plus he is married also. I feel upset with myself that I allowed myself to get to the point it did, I was caught up. I've never had that happen before and I never ever thought I would be the one to do something so low. Please don't think I'm asking for sympathy...what I really need is clarity. I can't separate everything inside my brain and I'm finding it hard to trust my own thinking.

[smackie9]

If it happened to me? There is no way I would root up my life and move...hell no! Why should I let it destroy more of my life than it already has. Get it? You both need to still work on it, to get through this. Look at it as a goal....to recover and move back home. I think in his own way this is his way of punishing you. Taking you away from everything you care about. This definitely needs more discussion.

[Wakeup]

If you're going to go home together, seriously consider marital therapy. You both are lost and an impartial third party mediator will help you both come to terms with the affair, learn to trust again and figure out what needs to be done so that neither of you are feeling that your emotional needs aren't being met.

Good luck.

[smackie9]

If you're going to go home together, seriously consider marital therapy. You both are lost and an impartial third party mediator will help you both come to terms with the affair, learn to trust again and figure out what needs to be done so that neither of you are feeling that your emotional needs aren't being met.

Good luck.

They don't have the funds for therapy....

[basilandthyme]

They don't have the funds for therapy....

Without re-reading the whole post, I thought it was more about him not wanting to spend money on therapy.....and that he'd blame her for wasting money if the therapy failed. My impression was that he's a tightwad