confused between ex or current bf

[Dasein]

I understand what people are saying about disclosing cheating. I always thought that honesty was the best policy also. If someone was cheating on me I would want to know.

From another perspective my partner and I were discussing his past. His ex wife cheated on him and told him about it. He said that she was selfish for telling him because it eased her conscience. He would rather not have known because it torn him apart and that it would be better to never had known.

I found this quite intruiging as I never thought about it that way. I always thought it was clear cut: If someone cheats they must confess.

Anyway back on topic. There is only one choice in my mind. You must break up with your current boyfriend. You do not love him. If you stay you will be unhappy and eventually he will also. Everything else like the house etc CAN be worked out, it's just that you feel nervous even contemplating this mammoth decision.

[Mish]

Anyway back on topic. There is only one choice in my mind. You must break up with your current boyfriend.

Not just break up, but also stay single for awhile to find out what it is that she actually wants and find out more about herself. I think if she goes out looking again after this break up she will just fall into another relationship of convenience and repeat all the same mistakes.

[1averagejoe]

I was cheated on by my ex...it hurts a lot. It's sad that people do it to others. I know for a fact I would never put myself in a situation to begin with to allow myself to cheat on someone. I've been strong with resisting drugs, alcohol, and sex so far...I know I won't have a problem staying true to the person I love.

Does he deserve to know? Well, there's no absolute answer. Some guys would probably get over you quicker if you didn't tell, others would if you did. I got over my ex much quicker when I found out she broke up with me because she had cheated on me. Because I have enough respect for myself to know that it will never go back to what it was and I will never love her again. It hurt like no other, but it was motivation for me to get over her and never want her back in my life.

My vote goes to telling him. I feel anyone that's been cheated on deserves to know. It's a shame that you did this to him though. God, I can only imagine how hard it's going to be for him.

I will say that you must break up with your boyfriend. You don't love him. Love is more than just how you feel about them. It's about how you show respect and care for them as well. You showed zero respect for him by cheating on him. You didn't care about him when you slept with that other guy. He deserves someone better than you that will treat him with respect and care for him. It's sad to say, but you failed at that.

It's posts like these that really make it hard for people who have been cheated on to actually fully open to others again. Once you've had something like this happen to you it's hard to fully open and trust someone in fear of having the same thing happen again. It's like we've lost our innocence to trust someone.

I honestly hope you never do this again though, because this kind of behavior is self-destructive and will destroy your future relationships.

I wish the best to you and your boyfriend.

[Dasein]

It's posts like these that really make it hard for people who have been cheated on to actually fully open to others again. Once you've had something like this happen to you it's hard to fully open and trust someone in fear of having the same thing happen again. It's like we've lost our innocence to trust someone.

Don't you think that telling him will perpetuate continual feelings of mistrust as you have displayed?

[1averagejoe]

Don't you think that telling him will perpetuate continual feelings of mistrust as you have displayed?

True, but it's something I have and will continue to work on and eventually overcome. Sure it's not easy, but it will happen eventually, because I know there are good people in this world. I still believe that although the truth hurts, it's something they deserve to know. If I had to go through it all again, I still would want to know.

And like I said before, there is no absolute answer to whether or not she should tell him. It really depends on the person. Some people would rather not have known, some would rather know.

[Only-virgins]

Yes, but then he'll dump her. So, how can she stay with him?

If he chooses that than she must face that consequence. That is what happens when you cheat on people, you lose them. She can't just lie forever and go on like nothing happened, the relationship than becomes a sham and he cares for someone he doesn't want too care for and he doesn't even know it.

[carpediem_b]

I thought this line was finny, you made so many wrong decisions over and over again, it's funny you are terrified of dropping another one into the mix.

Carpediem, it sounds like you are in a relationship of conveniece, first with your ex and now with your current bf. My assumption is based on what you posted, to summarise; You broke up with your ex because you went to university in another city, i.e. it was no longer conveniet to be in relationship with him so you dropped him. You are now in a relationship with your bf because it's conveniet, he is in your vicinity, you don't need any extra effort, he's right there. You cheat on your bf when you visit your parents because it's conveniet, your ex is close by. It seems like, convenience is one of the main reasons that explains your actions, the rest is just sugar coating. If this is true, I would recommend for you to do some soul searching and be single for awhile.

Sorry for the harsh words, just telling it how I see it.

dear Mishanya , because i made so many wrong decisions , i am terified . i do not want to make another wrong one,although is not easy to decide right now whats right or wrong being in such confused state. but i do agree with you abt having some time alone,and if i loose my ex and maybe he was the love of my life , ye who cares right , i can just continue with wrong relationships and keep dreaming of him.

anyways , the reason i broke up with him was not convinience , convinient would have been keeping him around although i was in a different country and knew that he would need some one else next to him. i was not the first one to have a relationship after we broke up,but i am not discussing the past here.it took me lots of time to get over him and despite that i would still had dreams abt him so i am not even sure if i ever got over him.yes , i had other relationships couse as evryone else need to be loved and love as well as have someone to share my good and bad moments with.i am never telling i did not love the other ppl , just that was never enough.maybe it has to do with the fact that my ex is my first love was my bestfriend etc.

your words are not hursh , made me think a lot, more i think and more convinced i am that this relationship is over long time ago , just too scared to ever admit it.

thx to all of u again.

[michzel creativ]

hello carpediem b, i know its difficult to forget the past and its also easy to bring back the past. But you have a new bf now.. so just focus on him, time will come you will learn to love him.I think your past bf has no plans for your future. Well your so lucky to have your new bf because his thinking of your future, he even buy a house for the two of you. I guess for me im going to chose the present....

[1averagejoe]

your so lucky to have your new bf because his thinking of your future, he even buy a house for the two of you. I guess for me im going to chose the present....

Yes she is very lucky to have a guy like that. And it's sad to say she doesn't deserve him. She cheated on him, doesn't love or care for him. In a sense she'll just be using him. Tell the poor guy, allow him to make the decision to stay with you or leave. It's his choice, not yours.

[Citycat]

I got over my ex much quicker when I found out she broke up with me because she had cheated on me.

Ok. How old were you when that happened? Now you're 19. I think it's easier to move on after a teenage relationship than after a relationship in which you're living with someone, like carpediem is.
He'll be shattered enough as it is. No need to put salt on a fresh wound.

[Cain]

I think she needs to break up with him.

But if she decides to stay with him for whatever reason, she MUST tell him that she cheated. If he breaks up with her, that's her fault. There's NO way to justify her not telling him if she stays with him.

[Dasein]

Yes she is very lucky to have a guy like that. And it's sad to say she doesn't deserve him. She cheated on him, doesn't love or care for him. In a sense she'll just be using him. Tell the poor guy, allow him to make the decision to stay with you or leave. It's his choice, not yours.

Ok you probably don't understand this because of the pain you carry with you but there are many different forms of love.

There is the head over heels can't keep thinking about- all encompassing love.
Their is care & devotion love.
Their is love grown out of companionship...and I could go on.

Not all people who enter into a relationship have the head over heels love. That is quite rare. So when you are in a relationship which is something else, cracks can start to appear.

Sometimes people cohabitate out of convenience and companionship...and sometimes one person is more in love than the other. This does not make the person who is less in love a bad person. Even the fact that she cheated does not make her a bad person. She did something that is hurtful to another but she acknowledges this and is trying to find her way out of the difficult situation.

To the OP - you need to face your fears. You need to leave your current b/f. The more it drags on the more hurtful it will be. You feel guilty because he is a nice guy but you can't dictate your feelings. Whether you tell him about cheating is another thing. You also need to find your inner strength and get through this.

There will be heartache. I can't lie to you. You must be true to yourself.

[1averagejoe]

Ok you probably don't understand this because of the pain you carry with you but there are many different forms of love.

There is the head over heels can't keep thinking about- all encompassing love.
Their is care & devotion love.
Their is love grown out of companionship...and I could go on.

Not all people who enter into a relationship have the head over heels love. That is quite rare. So when you are in a relationship which is something else, cracks can start to appear.

Sometimes people cohabitate out of convenience and companionship...and sometimes one person is more in love than the other. This does not make the person who is less in love a bad person. Even the fact that she cheated does not make her a bad person. She did something that is hurtful to another but she acknowledges this and is trying to find her way out of the difficult situation.

To the OP - you need to face your fears. You need to leave your current b/f. The more it drags on the more hurtful it will be. You feel guilty because he is a nice guy but you can't dictate your feelings. Whether you tell him about cheating is another thing. You also need to find your inner strength and get through this.

There will be heartache. I can't lie to you. You must be true to yourself.

I can only agree with you to an extent, love isn't a feeling. Yes there are feelings involved, but when you talk about being head over heals or letting you say you're not in love with someone anymore because you have zero feelings and they're getting boring, that's not love. That's infatuation. Relationships have their ups and downs, surely in the OP's case she has grown far from this guy. So naturally her feelings have as well.

She cheated on him, what she did was wrong. Does it make her a bad person? No. She acknowledges her mistakes and wants to change. What's holding her back is her own self respect and will power to chose not to do it again. That's something she needs to work on. It's a shame she did this, but everyone makes mistakes and it's at least good to see she's willing to try and isn't one of those assholes/bitches that sees nothing wrong with hurting and using others.

Does he deserve to know? Like I mentioned before it depends. There's no absolute answer, some guys would prefer to know, others wouldn't. That's a tough decision, and it's hers to make.

She should break up with him without a doubt. He doesn't deserve someone who's going to cheat on him, doesn't care, or love him. It's sad things have to be this way, but staying will only make things worse. Guilt will drive you crazy, you're already distant to him and it's going to cause problems in the relationship.

I do honestly wish the best for you and your boyfriend and hope that you'll be a stronger person in the future when the temptation arises again.

[bluesummer]

You can't stay with your current bf and never tell him you cheatedon him. That's wrong. I think you should break up with him, anyways. If he really is so wonderful, he deserves someone who will love and respect him in the same way he does them. You don't really sound like you want to be with him that badly.

[kene]

Repeatedly cheating on your boyfriend is terrible. Unless he does the same, he deserves better. I think you should remove yourself from the situation.