Need advice on a situation

[apiman]

One more odd question. Call me crazy, but does anyone else find it extremely difficult to picture the girl you have a crush on? While the girl I'm talking about is the most beatiful girl I've ever seen, for some reason I can never picture her in my mind, yet I can remember people I haven't seen in years or only glanced at a few times ever. I mean hell, I had another dream about this girl last night, and I can't even picture her..

I think I'm just more crazy here than experiencing something common... am I right?

[lemonade69]

actually, i have experienced the same thing. i dont think it has anything to do with whether you have a crush on them...some ppl's faces are just a lot easier to remember IMO.

[apiman]

I know, but I can't believe that for somebody I've though about so much, dreamed about, and who's picture I've looked at many a time, and I still have never been able to picture her in my mind.

[IceQueen]

IMHO in your situation it's healthier not to remember her face.

[apiman]

Ok, she didn't call. People have told me that I should see this as a flaw and forget about her, but I don't agree. All this does for me is emphasize how big of a mistake it was not talking to her two years ago. Again, if I had done that I would have gotten to know her and would have either become a good friend or realized how wrong she is for me. Now, I feel like it's too late and I'm going to be suffering with this perfect image of her in my mind forever. Everytime I think about her I feel sick in side because of how stupid I was two-three years ago. As I've said before, if she had gotten to know me and wanted nothing of me, then I wouldn't have a problem. But it's the fact that I missed my chance and now I'm unfairly unable to become her friend that really bothers me.

Some of my friends have tried to help, but they really don't know what to say. I feel like I've gone crazy in the sense that I seem to have lost all emotional response to everything but this girl. She's the only thing that makes me express any negative feelings. I really think she's the only person who can help now because not only is she the only person who knows the situation well, but she's extremely good with helping other people. I'm upset because I don't want to call her back in fear of bothering her, but if I don't speak to her I won't be able to ever move on.

I've accepted that nothing but her can give me that rush when I'm running that pushed me to the next level. The only way to compensate for that is to train even harder, although that doesn't solve the problem because I'm still not running 100% no matter how hard I work. I could easily regain that adrenaline if she would only talk to me, but I can't force that to happen. I strongly believe she just forgot to call, but nevertheless I feel uncomfortable calling when she said she would do so.

It really pisses me off when people say to ditch this girl and go find somebody else, there are plenty of girls like her out there. I may still be young, but I've met many females, and none strike me like she did. She was perfect in every aspect, and therefore other girls just seem so boring in comparison. I will not accept any advice such as "just forget it and move on" or "go to counselling" because I A. do not want to forget this perfect person and B. know what my problem is and how to fix it.

[lemonade69]

Originally posted by apiman
I will not accept any advice such as "just forget it and move on" or "go to counselling"

then tell me, what is there left to do? you've already gone out of your way to contact her. she has failed to respond, (no, she did not forget. it's not like everyday you get a guy who is feverishly in love with you, who you haven't seen in a good few years calling you out of the blue and asking you if you wanna be friends is it?? come on)

the 'i'll call you back' is more like a line to get off the phone. i'm a girl, i know. so it's time to take a hint, she is not interested in even being friends with you. it's also time to save some face. sorry for being harsh but you're like a dog relentlessly chasing after her tail. the more relentlessly you chase, the less respect she has for you. please don't let this be the image you'll leave on her mind. just STOP now. maybe...just maybe...she will wake up one day and realize she lost something. and whether she wants to contact you is her choice. but if you don't stop, you'll slowly be moved to the 'psychos' list and she'll want nothing to do with you no matter what.

you're in denial IMO. that's ok, everyone goes through that stage. you can either make up your mind NOW to get over her or pine away forever for this 'perfect' girl (no-one is perfect btw) and never meet anyone, never give yourself a chance to experience the bliss of being in a relationship with the right person. sorry, not being able to accept the advice does not mean that you will not have to just accept it someday. believe me, i have gone through something very similar to your situation. i know what it feels like. don't think i'm just some random person on the net who knows nothing about this sort of stuff, giving you random advice. true, it was DAMN hard to accept, but once you accept it, it gets easier, and easier, and easier. the hardest step is to MAKE UP YOUR MIND TO ACCEPT IT. i now know that the pain will be completely gone once i meet the next guy. the wait is hard too, but it is part of life. not everything would be smooth sailing.

i also find your post quite contradictory. you come here for advice, you get it, then you decide you don't want to accept it and come back and ask for more advice?? you just have to either follow it or do your own thing, but don't complain about it. the people here give you advice out of goodwill, and IMO it's very good too. so now it's down to you. what image of yourself in your old age do you prefer? one in which you have a warm, loving family with your grandkids running around the house or sitting on you lap, or never giving yourself a chance ad pine away for this 'perfect' girl you once knew, cherishing the so-called 'memories' and 'missed opportunities' when she is perfectly happy with her own family and does not even remember that you exist?

honestly, if i had not had a similar experience, i wouldn't even have bothered to type this whole thing, you dont' seem to take any of the advice anyway. but i do it because i know the importance of letting go when there is a need to and i want to help people when i can. i understand i may have been a bit harsh, but MY friends had to be brutally harsh with me before i finally woke up and stopped myself living in a dream. you say you should not have ignored her 2 years ago, then LEARN from this, and PLEASE, move on. there really is nothing else you can do, and remember, if you manage to learn this lesson and do better next time then you have not lost. we live and learn. we also make mistakes, you cannot escape from making mistakes

and remember, 'that which does not kill me makes me stronger'- so true.

well, i have nothing mroe to say, i do hope you'll think about what i wrote though, so i know i have not wasted my time. good luck.

[IceQueen]

lemonade is right 100%.

The poor girl is trying to get rid of you in every way she knows how, and you just don't get it. Recover what's left of your dignity and STOP PESTERING HER before she files for a protection order.

[apiman]

Thank you for your responses.

I don't feel I'm in denial about anything. What am I denying? I've accepted that I can't run like I once did. I've accepted that she doesn't want to talk to me. The only thing I am upset about is the mistake I've made. As I said, I really think she's the only person who can help me, but if she doesn't want to call then there's nothing I can do about that. I've accepted all of that and understand that's just how it's going to be.

I just become extremely aggravated when, for example, I dreamt last night that she had called and left a message on my phone. For a second I wasn't sure if it had really happened or if I was dreaming. When I realized it wasn't real, I almost lost it. I'm trying not to think about her; I mean when I do I feel sick, so why should I?

Anyways, so you two still believe I should just forget it and move on, not seek help at all? Again, I don't see what a counsellor can do if I know what my problem is and how I can fix it. I'm almost thinking about calling this girl back in two weeks to ask her if she can help me at all with this. By that time it really doesn't matter if she thinks I'm creepy or not; I really doubt I'd ever speak to her again after that, so what's the loss anyways. Everything is ****ed anyways, I should just not do track anymore; I've completely wasted the last six years running anyhow.

[apiman]

One of my really good female friends thinks I should I call her, but I just don't know. You guys feel confident in your opinion that I should drop it and stop pestering her, so I'm perplexed right now. I know that I won't get much better for track if I don't speak with her, but I just get this nagging feeling that I'm wasting her time.

[lemonade69]

just out of curiosity, how did you come to the comclusion that she is the one who motivates you to run?

[apiman]

While running in cross country, I started to wonder why I couldn't run fast anymore. I wasn't as focused as I used to be and I didn't have that edge anymore that got me through races. At first I was certain I lost the motivation to run and I began to figure out what it could be that gave me that motivation. This went on for weeks until all of a sudden I began dreaming about this girl out of the blue. She hadn't crossed my mind in two years, so when I dreamt of her four nights in a row, I became concerned. I asked some semi-professional people in this field why I would dream about her like this. They told me I was missing something that she represented, and I wanted it back. They said it probably wasn't her that I needed to get back, but as I said, what she represented in my life. That's when I came to the conclusion that she was what motivated me to run. Last week, however, it hit me that it wasn't a conscious motivation that she brought to me because I still had the motivation to work hard every day in practice. What I was really missing was that edge or adrenaline which put me over the top and kept me going. So it was actually a subconscious adrenaline rush that she indirectly gave me. As soon as she left, that rush left and I was left with my own work ethic to keep me going. I had a strong enough desire to train at a high level, but that only got me so far. I ran with more concentration and subconscious ability in 6th grade than I did Junior year in high school.

What I've accepted is that nobody but her can give me that rush, that's the simple truth. I can train as hard as I want, but I am really worried that this lack of an edge will keep me at the level I've always succeeded at. It amuses me because I began to feel that rush the day after talking with her a month ago. For a month straight I worked harder than I ever had and kept focused without faultering. After having the most recent phone call, I began to train on anger rather than with a positive rush... unfortunately that has begun to fade. Today when running, I felt like time had stopped and I wasn't going anywhere... I decided to not attend an offseason track meet tomorrow because I don't feel like making a fool of myself as I've once again lost that rush and am scared to death of never getting it back.

I know that if I can speak with her for five minutes every now and then it will carry me through the season. If I am unable to keep contact with her, the season is probably just as lost as the previous two years. For the first time really, I'm feeling sick and depressed when I think about her, so I know the current state of the relationship will only hinder me. That's why I'm so confused right now; as I said, I get the feeling she's always extremely busy and has little time to talk with someone she hasn't thought about in years. Of course, this is the final time I'll ever be involved in a school sport, the last time I'll ever do what's dominated my life the last seven years. Succeeding this season would be the ultimate achievement, but without the rush I'm not going to reach my goals. I guess that's why I have a hard time accepting advice geared toward forgetting her and finding somebody else...

[lemonade69]

wow, if you're this crazy about her, how did you manage to not let her cross your mind in two years?

[apiman]

At the time I was just so upset with injuring myself at my running peak that I didn't care anymore. I also didn't know at the time that she was the source my running strength, so I didn't understand just how important she was to me. That decision to ignore her two years ago will plague me the for the rest of my life, I'm afraid. I may eventually get over her and find somebody else, but that will never fix the running situation. It gets me so mad that I've yet to live up to the hype; in cross this season, I declined my state alternate spot because I wouldn't be able to watch my teamates running instead of me. It is so selfish but that's how much it hurts.

[lemonade69]

Originally posted by apiman
I may eventually get over her and find somebody else, but that will never fix the running situation.

i don't think so...i think if you find someone else, THEY will become your new inspiration. it's like that...everything seems impossible until you actually MEET that person.

[apiman]

You know what though, I've kinda had girlfriends the past two years and none of them have affected me like this girl. In fact, I kinda have a girlfriend right now, but I told her I can only be her friend since I'm just not mentally stable right now and won't be for a long while. The fact is this girl I'm talking about is the only person who has given me that rush, and by the time I find somebody else, it'll be too little, too late.

I have to call her back next week, but I'm just so worried about what to say. Part of me wants to tell her how sorry I am for bothering her and explain that it's the running that's motivating me to call her... not necessarily to be her boyfriend. If I tell her that, I'm basically calling to see if she can offer any advice or help instead of becoming her friend. Another part of me wants to call and ask if she has any inclination to get to know me. I just don't know what to do.. I'm leaning more towards the first one because that's the main problem, and I'm sure it wouldn't matter to her either way if I became her friend or not.