Trust issues...

[Punisher]

OK, fair enough. But what about the actual lying? I mean...OK, it's her stuff etc...but should I overlook the fact that she lied to me even when I asked her directly if she's in contact with her? When/if she comes out with this...what should I do? Play an understanding guy and tap her on the shoulder or play a heavily offended bf (not because of her friend but because of the lying)?
Cuz I know her and I know that if I lied to her for something like this, she'd give me a really hard time.

I have a negative side. I live by the rule and eye for an eye...but that was for friends and people on the street til now...I never was in a situation like this. I was more for a "if someone hurt me, why in the world should I be the nicer one...hurt back!". I know that this isn't something to be proud of, but from my point of view, diplomacy sucks big time (not talking politics). I'm a sweet guy (not bragging or anything) and I love romance and cuddling and all the cheesy (hehe...nice word) stuff that comes with it, but I also like to state my opinion so that it is heard (not imposingly...I just want to be clear). If I have to say something to someone in his/her face, I do it and proudly. If someone hits me, I hit him back (though I don't like violence, I'm trained for that), if someone stabs me in the back, I pay him back twice as much.

So...that's who I am.
BUT, I don't want to be like this to my gf...so please tell me...how would you handle the lying (and again, I let's forget what went on and why she lied...I'm just talking about the lying itself)?

Oh and for the record, I usually don't get jealous (unless needed) and she knows that. So the dumping part is out of the question. Our relationship is flawless (OK...unless this part we're discussing here) and I think that nothing can tear us apart. No, I mean really...it's not a blind man's statement, we truly are a great couple and I think that soon a larger step will be made.

P

[King Zarathu]

I live by the rule and eye for an eye

Hell yeah! The fact that she lied to you should be addressed somehow. Honestly, I wouldn't really tolerate that. To just come out and say it.. I would pretty much stop caring at that point. I'd confront on the spot to just get it taken care of--if she lied, see you later. Else, it's all good.

[misombra]

punisher- let it go. she doesn't want to tell you probably because she knows you'll fly off the handle and get all upset.

you looked through her shit- she lied. eye for an eye. now drop it.

[dreamer101]

i agree with you punisher. lying is an issue and i wouldn't tolerate it either. what i would do is think about why the person lied and talk to them in a non confronting way. but in this case you've dug urself a hole by violiating her trust. so if u want to confront her u gonna have to come clean and that may take some doing. i wouldn't advice that. so take misombra's advice and let it go. create a space between you two where she would feel secure enough to tell you. infact i would be worried that she doesn't already feel secure enough in the relationship to tell you, so work on that instead of blowing off your handle on this.

give diplomacy a chance.

[vashti]

I don't think her lying is any worse than snooping through her email and having control issues. Let it go.

[Gigabitch]

You set her up!

Anyway, I think this one might fall into the category of "little white lies". She couldn't tell you the truth because she didn't want the ration of shit you were going to give her. You've made it impossible for her to tell the truth without pissing you off. And lying pisses you off. You're just plain pissed off.

[TDurden]

i think dreamer's right. i wouldn't so much be concerned about the lie because its clear she wasn't doing it out of anything other than the fear of upsetting you. plus, even though your instincts were correct, you did look through her stuff which is also a lie if you don't tell her as misombra said. when she does finally tell you that she lied just respond with something along the lines of 'i'm sorry i made you feel as if you couldn't tell the truth to me. next time please be honest and trust that i care about you and won't get outraged at what you tell me.'

[Punisher]

I don't think her lying is any worse than snooping through her email and having control issues. Let it go.

Again with those control issues? What's with you?? Again: I post a question that is about my relationship and stil much is missing from you to know and you know nothing else about my relationship, yet you continue judging me that I have control issues??
It's not amusing anymore...it's actually quite offensive you know...

[vashti]

I doubt I am the only one who sees it. You are just in denial about what it is.

[TDurden]

i think whether or not this guy has control issues is irrelevant. its irrelevant because he's not asking us for general relationship advice or how to fix himself, he is only asking what to do in this specific situation. the solution for his problem is going to be the same regardless of his personality. his personality will simply dictate how easy/difficult it is for him to execute the solution. hence leave the control thing alone.

[misombra]

seriously, the solution is to let it go.

[Venacava]

Okay. Well, you cant exactly be angry at her for lying about this - you snooped through her e-mails, yeah I can KIND OF see why you did it, but e-mail accounts are personal. You're lying by omission anyway, so you're both liars in this case. Let all of that go.
If however, she comes to you or you find out for sure - that she is in contact with this person, then you are free to give her your honest opinion about it - but remember that she is free to have hers too, she will see who she wants to and you can do the same. Expressing concern and what not is reasonable, but don't go telling her what to do, if you do that - then there will be big lies and deception.
Just be yourself, it wasn't your battle in the first place and I don't think she needs to be rescued to be honest, if she falls down then help her up, but maybe this is a path she needs/wants to take.

[Punisher]

i think whether or not this guy has control issues is irrelevant. its irrelevant because he's not asking us for general relationship advice or how to fix himself, he is only asking what to do in this specific situation.

Thank you!!!

I doubt I am the only one who sees it. You are just in denial about what it is.

Oh how I hate it when someone plays a shrink and sticks "tags" to people!! I know...I'm the same...but to tag me with something that is not true and then defend the statement with the denial tag is just too much!
If I had control issues, then you can be sure I wouldn't be here asking for advice, but wreaking havoc in my relationship about the incident.
Basically...if a girl hits on me big time and she knows I'm in a relationship and doesn't get a no for an answer and I join a fight already in progress, you call that control issues? Should I take out the dictionary and type the whole meaning of that word? I don't mind any insult if it has some background...you can even call me jerk (sorry for swearing) if I deserve it, but to say that I have control issues, which is more than just an offensive word, cause you judge my whole personality is really over the top.

[misombra]

the fact that it makes you so mad indicates to me that it might be true.

[King Zarathu]

the fact that it makes you so mad indicates to me that it might be true.

No. This guy is trying to get help, and I would probably be frustrated too if people were getting wrong ideas about my personality. Go on, tell me I have control issues too....

[EDIT] That last sentence was sarcasm.