She told her friends about my impotence

[Glith]

Thank you.

She's not insensitive about it now, as she does see how it's made me feel. I don't think though that she genuinely believes that discussing your loved one's most personal and private business should be totally off-bounds.
I do think it's a bit of a selfish thing. Its about putting your own need to talk before your partner's need for confidentiality, trust and respect.

I was actually thankful to her that she at least admitted to me about her telling her sister and friends. The fact that she was willing to admit to it meant a lot to me.
Unfortunately, because of how personally Ive taken this, I do think she'll continue to chat candidly about private things with her friends, but won't tell me anymore for fear of upsetting me.

Anyway, thanks everyone for your opinions.

[lahnnabell]

Lhanna -

??

WTF are you talking about? I was referring to his GF, not you.

Paranoid much?

All right. Sorry. Jeez.

[vashti]

What are you gonna do, Glith? Just start keeping stuff to yourself out of fear she can't be trusted? Or are you going to try to trust her again?

BTW - did you say how old she is? (I think this behavior is more common with younger women who have not yet learned there are consequences for being too open.)

[Spades_]

What's done is done and there's really no point in dragging this out any longer. You're putting wayy too much thought into this, as I often do. I don't mean to be insensitive, as I know that this is a very personal issue for you but I only see two options that arise

1) accept it, deal with it, get over it, make up/work something out, and move on.

2) never trust her again, end the relationship. and possibly have someone else do the same thing again if you shut down on her again.

I feel the same way vashti does, as I'm a very private person myself. But I can also understand and agree with LB's reasoning. I don't believe that your gf meant to hurt you or humiliate you by any means, and that she was just seeking advice or needed to vent. If you can work this out within yourself and with her, then I believe that the relationship can still be salvaged. If worst comes to worst, then look on the bright side. At least she didn't spill her heart to a new soul and then pick him up along the way.

[Glith]

She's 26, and has had a couple of fairly long relationships in the past.

What I find so confusing is that she is a very mature, intelligent and compassionate person. She's not into idle gossip or 'bitching' about people. That's why it surprised me so much when I discovered this side to her. She's very conscious and weary of people who lack empathy or understanding for others, so I'm blown away by how she couldn't or can't see that confidentiality and respect for your loved one's privacy should be protected above the 'need' to talk to friends. I REALLY don't care how close she is to her friends. She seems to think that should be important to me. Or, how much she trusts them. She said "They wont tell anybody"....well, to me, they ARE 'anybody'. I dont care if she's seen them every day of her life, or once every 5 years, these are people I'll have to face at some point, and how close they are to my girlfriend wont be the thought on my mind when that happens!

Although this isn't causing 'arguments' as such, it is causing big problems, and the irony is that i'm pretty sure she will have talked to her friends about this too.

At the moment, Vashti, I'm firmly in the 'keep everything to myself' stable. Even the total lack of a sex life due to my total distaste for it at the moment (how can you want to sleep with somebody you cant trust?), isn't an issue I'm willing to talk about. I know how bad that is, but there's not much else I can do right now. In my eyes, any course of communication I take to try and straighten things out a little, will only lead to further opportunities for chats with friends.

I just wish I could trust her again, because she is a very special girl. In fact, I'd love to be able to point her towards this thread, but I just don't trust her enough to be able to have this conversation with her at the moment. In fact, I don't even know if i could trust her enough to not send the link to her friends, if this upset her.

[Glith]

I don't believe that your gf meant to hurt you or humiliate you by any means, and that she was just seeking advice or needed to vent.

Thats my point though Spades, to me it doesn't matter one bit how much she needed to vent, you just don't break that trust. I need to vent about all this (which is very strange for me), and while there are people i could talk to, i dont think it'd be right for me to be sat there painting a bad picture of a girl they're likely to meet one day, so here I am talking to people who she'll never have to face, and won't ever even know exists.

Everything you said though, is dead right. I know for a fact that I've thought far too long and hard about this. The problem is that I'm not the most confident person anyway. Add to that the shame and feelings of inadequacy due to a sexual problem I went through, and then top it all off with the humiliation of people (who i'd already have been nervous about meeting) finding out about it. It's one hell of a combination.

My gut feeling is that this lack of respect won't stop, and as a result I should end it, because it's such a fundemental part of a relationship to me. At the same time, how do you end things with somebody you love so much and has the ability to make you so happy?

[Spades_]

If she knew how you felt about all of this but did it anyways, then I would consider that to be breaking your trust. But if she didn't know, then I wouldn't consider it to be ill intent. (I'm assuming that she did know, but I just want to make sure)

how do you end things with somebody you love so much and has the ability to make you so happy?

I used to ask myself the same question. You say that she makes you happy, yet consider her actions disrespectful and that she broke your trust. That sure doesn't sound like happiness to me. Not to downplay the significance of your relationship, but you've only been together for 6 mos, so its still a fairly new relationship.

[Perryville]

Glith, it seems to me that you bear at least some of the responsibility for this happening. If you would have told her about this problem and asked her discretion, perhaps she would not have gone to outside people to discuss it. Her bad, was to go to friends and relatives, when she should have consulted a professional therapist or councellor. I mean , for Christ's sake, there are many, many, trained professionals , that deal with just such issues. For her to make your intimate affairs a topic of conversation is a major deal breaker. For her to expect you to interact with these people is also not respectful. My advice is to go your own ways. You will always have trust issues with her, and she will always be less than respectful to you. It seems a no win situation.

[Glith]

Glith, it seems to me that you bear at least some of the responsibility for this happening. If you would have told her about this problem and asked her discretion, perhaps she would not have gone to outside people to discuss it. Her bad, was to go to friends and relatives, when she should have consulted a professional therapist or councellor. I mean , for Christ's sake, there are many, many, trained professionals , that deal with just such issues. For her to make your intimate affairs a topic of conversation is a major deal breaker. For her to expect you to interact with these people is also not respectful. My advice is to go your own ways. You will always have trust issues with her, and she will always be less than respectful to you. It seems a no win situation.

As I've said a few times now Perryville, I absolutely accept that I didn't deal with it the best way to start with, but shear embarrassment and shame had come into play. When its affecting you for the first time, and you're with a new partner, the last thing you want to do is start talking about it. You just try to ignore it in the hope that it'll sort itself out. I certainly didn't think I'd have to 'ask' for somebody's discretion though.

"Dealbreaker" is exactly the way I've looked at it, and it absolutely would have been had I known about this at the start of our relationship. I don't think this makes her a bad person, but it certainly puts her values at odds to my own.
I know that people seem to be advising me to leave her, and I know it's the only real way this will all be solved, but it's so hard putting even your core values before love.

[vashti]

This is such an incredibly sensitive subject for men. So much of your self esteem is tied into your sexual prowess, and not dealing with these problems with extreme privacy and sensitivity can be utterly castrating.

I hope the younger girls on this forum are taking note.

I don't really have any advice for you, Glith. This is a very tough spot you are in. My best wishes are with you, though.

[Perryville]

In my opinion, Glith, trust and respect are major parts of what we call "love". You may have affection for her, but the trust and respect issues aren't going to go away. If you can find some way to make this work, without losing your self-respect, then best of luck to you.

[girl68]

I agree with everything lbell said.

I've also been in this situation I spoke to one of my best gf's about my bf's problems. He did found out I spoke to her and claimed every feeling you've spoken of in this thread.

The difference though seems to be that he forgave me and decided to trust me again. Of course I realized how he'd feel, what wrong I'd done, and told him my future course of action will be to come to him instead.

I would also like to point out that lbell makes a good point about her friends that do know.
When they see you, and talk to you they are not sitting around wondering if your dick works. All they did was sit their and listen to their friend get something off her chest. They don't tear you apart and laugh at you, nor are they thinking that.

The way you interact with them is as if none of them no nothing about anything. Pretend this all hasn't happened. They're not going to bring it up, laugh or snicker while you're around the corner.

Your gf has done wrong. She has apologized I'd say inform her that details regarding you are not to be shared again. Then your forgive and move on. If you can't I don't care how much you love her- dump her.

[girl68]

I'd like to add you may not understand the dynamcs of her friendships but I do. I think you're being insensitive to her friendships as well.

While I agree she shouldn't have told all of them, I think it's lame on your part to tell her to keep everything regarding you off the table becasue you couldn't care less how good of friends they are, and they type of friendship she's always had with them.

[Glith]

I'd like to add you may not understand the dynamcs of her friendships but I do. I think you're being insensitive to her friendships as well.

While I agree she shouldn't have told all of them, I think it's lame on your part to tell her to keep everything regarding you off the table becasue you couldn't care less how good of friends they are, and they type of friendship she's always had with them.

That just shows that you're of the same cut as her. Really, I dont care how close she is to her friends, how much she trusts them. I don't care what her friends will be thinking about when they meet me, I don't care how insignificant an issue it is to them, because the fact that they know at all is what bothers me. All I know is, I can't trust her to keep my private business to herself, and to you that seems acceptable.

I have friends I could talk to about anything, but I wouldn't if it was an invasion of my girlfriend's privacy. I chose to be with her, not her friends, so my private business should stay with her. If everybody was the same as you, we wouldn't choose a partner because of their qualities, we'd choose a partner because of their and the friend's qualities. Afterall, if it's ok for your partner to tell their friends about your private life, you must have to vet a potential partner's friends, just in case they can't be trusted to keep your privacy.

I think the fact that you willingly ignored your boyfriend's right to respect, says a lot.

I don't need to "forgive" her, this isn't what this is about. Nor can I "decide to trust" her, that isn't how trust works. You think if it was as easy as that I wouldn't just 'decide' right now, and put all this to rest?

I do understand the dynamcs of her friendships, I'm not a stupid person. However, being "lame" for wanting privacy. Well, again, I think that says a lot about you.

I think Vashti has already all that needs to be said regarding that issue, and she's given me reason to have faith that not all women are so free with their mouths.

"It used to be that intimate acts were only between the people who were involved, and perhaps a professional if one was needed, but the whole world has gone Jerry Springer on us, and somehow nothing is sacred anymore."

"One of the worst "feminine" traits there is must be the need to blabbber, and then to try to defend it."

"The people I trust most do not do this to the people they love, but I DO hear a lot of people (mostly women) crossing the line with frequency. I pity their men, and I wouldn't trust them farther than I could throw them."

[lahnnabell]

vash is right about your options. There seem to be 2 basic ones. Now you have to decide what you want to do. Looks like the ball is in your court at the moment too, so make an educated decision. It's good that you came on here to clear your mind and get some advice instead of letting your initial emotions make the decision for you.

As for ending things, if that's what you want, it is about now in most relationships when people figure out whether or not they want to continue for the long haul. This is an important issue and more trust issues will crop up as time goes on. I find that more often than not people throw band-aids on issues like this to avoid being alone, and it only comes back to bite them in the ass later.