She told her friends about my impotence

[Glith]

When I first met my girlfriend 6 months ago, I was having some impotence problems. This was new to me, and was mainly caused by an issue at the end of my previous relationship.
I didn't really know how to deal with it, felt totally inadequate, unmanly, and very very embarrassed and ashamed. Impotence was something that happened to other men, not me!

Anyway, I (stupidly) didn't talk to her about it, i couldnt face it. As the weeks went on and it continued (to varying degrees) I was trying to ignore it, and when she eventually confronted me about it I was taken aback and really couldnt talk about it.

Well, we did eventually start to talk things through, and things have improved since, and despite the fact that I sometimes have problems due to the dreaded 'please dont happen' thought process which is guaranteed to make it happen, things really are (were) much better.

HOWEVER, I found out that she talked to her sister and some of her friends about it. I havent met them yet, and I can't tell you how private a person I am, and I'm devestated. I'm a shy person anyway, and i dread social situations. Anyway, her friends and sister keep asking her 'Why havent we met him yet??'. She knows why, because I just can't face them, knowing what they know about me.

She's told me she only talked about it because she was frustrated by what was happening, and the fact that i didnt talk about it with her, but I can't help be feel totally humiliated and let down by her.
She's told me that her and her friends can talk about anything and everything (they have been close since they were children), but that doesnt matter to me, she has told strangers (to me) the absolute worst thing i could ever imagine anyone knowing about me.
However, her friends talk to her about their boyfriends too, about how they don't last long enough in the bed, impotency, arguments etc.This is just a total lack of respect in my eyes. These girls are socialites and often get together and bring their boyfriends along. These poor guys have no idea what these other girls know about them. Don't these girls have any respect for their boyfriend's privacy??

Well....it's caused massive problems for me now. I'm avoiding sex altogether. I loved it my past, and I was confident. Now, i just dont want it, i feel as though anything that happens will be reported back to her friends. I feel as though I might as well invite them in to watch, and let them score me at the end.

It's not just sex though, I'm even questioning the relationship as a whole. If I'd known to start with that she would break my trust so freely, and humiliate me, I would never have become involved with her. However, I do love her, and I really dont know what to do for the best.

Sorry for the long rant.

[lahnnabell]

Okay, so you were having intimacy problems and instead of trying to work it out with your partner you avoided her and sex. What did you expect her to do? Where did you expect her to turn? She probably needed advice from those she considered to be trusted individuals in her life. Apparently you didn't trust her enough to let her in and help you through this... So, she went to those who COULD provide some sort of emotional stability.

I mean, would you have rather this girl give you an ultimatum in the first place? That would have just put more pressure on you and ruined the relationship altogether. I'm sure she knew it was a delicate subject, and she was afraid to rock the boat by pushing you too much.

I guarantee you she felt just as embarrassed by your sexual problems. Not because it was your fault, but because no girl wants to tell her friends, "I can't turn my boyfriend on". But she cared about you and your relationship enough to seek out advice and help.

It's really up to you now. Is she aware of your new insecurity about sex?

[Spring Haze]

So you didn't communicate your impotency at first, now you are not communicating your feelings of humiliation and having your trust violated. Instead you are withholding sex as a punishment.

Enough with the online chitchat. Start communicating with your girlfriend.

[Glith]

Wow, no I'm not "witholding sex as a punishment". I'm refraining from sex because I have no sexual desire whatsoever at the moment, because there is no trust to be had in intimacy. Because I feel as though it's not between just us anymore, that I have to 'perform', or it'll become a talking point with her friends. And yes, I have told her about my feelings of humiliation and having my trust violated.

lahnnabell,
No, I didn't avoid her (or sex) at first. I was just having problems. As I said, I was so ashamed and humiliated (this WAS a new thing to me too) that I couldn't talk about it. I had to deal with it and come to terms with it myself before I could talk about it. I didn't even really know what was going on. It wasn't a trust issue at the time, I was just hoping it would sort itself out...which it did eventually.

She went and told a group of girls something that I in no way would want them to know about me. A group of girls who she expects me to be able to go and socialize with.
She knew that 1) I'm a VERY private person and 2) I'm not very confident when it comes to socializing with new people, especially if these people 'matter' to someone I'm close to.
What's happened here is that both buttons have been pressed at once.

I even ended up spending Christmas on my own because of this, because my girlfriend was having her sister around, and I just couldn't face sitting there with her, knowing what she knew about me.

I spoke to some friends the other day about my girlfriend's friends, about how they talk about their boyfriend's sexual problems and inadequacies. My male friends weren't very understanding. The general response being "If any of those poor guys find out, their girlfriend's will find themselves single". My female friends, while a little more understanding still said that there are some things which should stay within a relationship, and if you cant trust your partner to keep your most private and embarrassing problems to themselves, how can you trust them with anything?
That is how I see it too.

As for knowing about my new insecurity about sex, no she doesn't. I've hit a wall now. I don't want to discuss it with her in case it ends up a topic of conversation for her and her friends. I know how that sounds, it's asking for trouble, and it's a vicious circle, but I would never (and have never in the past) broken the trust of a girlfriend for the sake of getting something off my chest with friends. I just feel as though anything I talk to her about now, isn't a conversation between just us anymore.

I don't think you realise how difficult impotence is to deal with as a man, especially when it's a new thing and you haven't even had time to come to terms with it yourself. The last thing you want to do is talk about it with a new partner, even though that is the thing you should do. I just needed time. What I got was humiliation (even though I do realise that wasnt her intention), and that just makes matters so much worse.

[lahnnabell]

The impotence is not the only problem now though. I understand that it was difficult for you to come forward and open up to her about this, but shutting down on your significant other will make matters 10x worse. Ask anyone on this forum.

She did not go to her friends to have them tell her that she shouldn't be with you, or that you are not good enough. She needed support and guidance from people that she trusted 'cause she couldn't talk to you about it.

So, let's flip the tables. Let's say your girlfriend has a sexual problem that she is sensitive about. Instead of opening up to you and talking about it, she decides to shut down and avoid having sex at all. You understand that she is upset by something and want to help, but don't know how to broach the subject. You're afraid that you'll only upset her more.

Where would you go for help?

[shheadz]

I spoke to some friends the other day about my girlfriend's friends, about how they talk about their boyfriend's sexual problems and inadequacies. My male friends weren't very understanding. The general response being "If any of those poor guys find out, their girlfriend's will find themselves single".

Okay.. let me get this straight. It's ok for you to talk to your friends about your relationship problems, but she can't do the same?

[vashti]

Eh, I'm with you all the way, Glith. It used to be that intimate acts were only between the people who were involved, and perhaps a professional if one was needed, but the whole world has gone Jerry Springer on us, and somehow nothing is sacred anymore.

I don't blame you for feeling violated. Her blabbing has shown a great lack of maturity and sensitivity. I wouldn't trust her any more, and quite honestly, I can't see how anyone could defend her behavior.

[lahnnabell]

vash, could you please explain to me what other options she had? Should she have just thrown an ultimatum at him? Should she have just left him? Let's say she comes on here and asks for advice, would we all just tell her to wait around for him until he decides he wants to talk?

[vashti]

She could have suggested medical intervention/counseling, and yes, if he refused, she could have left.

Now you tell me how he is supposed to be able to show his face in front of all these big mouth women without being humiliated. I mean, it's not like she was talking to anonymous strangers... he is supposed to actually interact with these people.

[Glith]

Okay.. let me get this straight. It's ok for you to talk to your friends about your relationship problems, but she can't do the same?

If you read what I said, I didnt talk about my relationship or any problems at all. I talked about the way some of my girlfriend's friends talk about their boyfriend's intimate business. None of my friends know about whats happened or any of these problems. As I keep saying, it's private, and I treat it as such.

[Glith]

The impotence is not the only problem now though. I understand that it was difficult for you to come forward and open up to her about this, but shutting down on your significant other will make matters 10x worse. Ask anyone on this forum.

She did not go to her friends to have them tell her that she shouldn't be with you, or that you are not good enough. She needed support and guidance from people that she trusted 'cause she couldn't talk to you about it.

So, let's flip the tables. Let's say your girlfriend has a sexual problem that she is sensitive about. Instead of opening up to you and talking about it, she decides to shut down and avoid having sex at all. You understand that she is upset by something and want to help, but don't know how to broach the subject. You're afraid that you'll only upset her more.

Where would you go for help?

Interesting question, and one I've asked myself dozens of times because of this situation, and I can honestly say that I wouldn't go to anybody she'd have to go through the humiliation of meeting face to face.

When we talked about it, i even gave her an example to try to make her realize how i felt. (Sorry if this is a little graphic). I said "Imagine you had some intimate problems, imagine you suffered from foul-smelling discharge or lack of natural lubrication. If I went and talked about that to my friends, how would you feel. More importantly, how would you feel when you had to meet them face to face, and you knew that these guys knew the most intimate of things about you?"

THIS, that i'm doing now is what I'd do, I'd talk to a third party who has nothing and will never have anything to do with her, an inpartial third party. I could go and talk to my friends about it, sure, but I have too much respect for my girlfriend and her privacy. There's no way I would risk breaking down that trust, let alone make her feel humiliated.

I know absolutely that I should have talked to her about it to start with. It's exactly what I'd have advised anyone to do in that situation, but it's so so different when you're there. Especially when you're in a new relationship and you're in the 'trying to impress' stage. I know how ridiculous it sounds, because it is, but you just hope the problem will suddenly go away.
In reality, I knew it would soon enough because it was just a bit of a psychological block I needed to get past. I was dreading the thought of having to talk about it, because then it stops being something I'm trying to just get past myself, and it becomes a big issue. Talking about it put more pressure on me, which as we all know, just makes impotency worse.

[lahnnabell]

At this point, the humiliation is coming from his own mind. Have these girls ever gone outside their own circle to badmouth their boyfriends? As far as it sounds, these women have pow-wow sessions to support one another. Not to have "Boyfriend Bash Night".

If he wants to feel like all the women in the room are wondering if he's d*ck works, then that is his insecurity. I understand that it was fueled by this issue in the first place. However, it wouldn't have been blown to such proportions if he had been willing to discuss their options in the first place.

To Glith, did your girlfriend at least try to talk to you first about all of this before running to her friends?

[Glith]

Eh, I'm with you all the way, Glith. It used to be that intimate acts were only between the people who were involved, and perhaps a professional if one was needed, but the whole world has gone Jerry Springer on us, and somehow nothing is sacred anymore.

I don't blame you for feeling violated. Her blabbing has shown a great lack of maturity and sensitivity. I wouldn't trust her any more, and quite honestly, I can't see how anyone could defend her behavior.

Thank you. I'm not trying to demonize her or anything like that, I love the girl. But it is good to see that somebody sees it from my point of view.

[vashti]

I wish everyone were as discrete as you, Glith. Sorry you didn't find a better girlfriend.

[Glith]

At this point, the humiliation is coming from his own mind. Have these girls ever gone outside their own circle to badmouth their boyfriends? As far as it sounds, these women have pow-wow sessions to support one another. Not to have "Boyfriend Bash Night".

If he wants to feel like all the women in the room are wondering if he's d*ck works, then that is his insecurity. I understand that it was fueled by this issue in the first place. However, it wouldn't have been blown to such proportions if he had been willing to discuss their options in the first place.

To Glith, did your girlfriend at least try to talk to you first about all of this before running to her friends?

Yes, as I said, in all honesty she did. As for 'going outside of their circle to badmouth their boyfriends', that doesnt matter one bit. What does that circle matter to me? Regardless of what circle they belong to, they shouldnt know my private intimate business.