I was so desperate for her love - Finally got a big wake up call...

[misombra]

disregarding it makes no difference to me. making the same mistake twice will only make you more of a fool. being angry and bitter about it makes you even more of a fool.

which is what indi tried telling you.

but hey, disregard away.

[soulsurvivor23]

I don't mean I disregard as in I disagree. I mean I disregard you as a person because you came in here just to attack me. I do listen to those I respect.

[IndiReloaded]

I didn't attack you. You read what you wanted to read. Much like how you saw what you wanted to see with this gal. See a pattern here?

Anyway, apology accepted. I said I feel for you, and I meant it. Lashing out is a totally natural response, especially since you can't lash out at her you will try to lash out at whoever you can. Especially someone who hits a nerve b/c you know they are right.

As for respect, hey, I'm not the one who tried to get with a gal who already had a BF. Essentially, you were encouraging her to cheat, so you basically got what you deserved, IMO. People who live in glass houses and all that. I think you are paying for this mistake and will continue to do so until you sort yourself out. I already gave you some very good clues how to do that, but you need to post here, I think:

[url]www.onlywhatiwantothear.com[/url]

[soulsurvivor23]

How are you right? If I was just in it to get some ass, why would spend a whole year of my life trying to do that? Getting ass is as simple as hitting a club and getting a number. You are 100% wrong.

edit: and to add, I knew her for about 8 months prior to knowing the existence of said BF. So no those feelings did not develop after knowing about him.

[IndiReloaded]

How are you right? If I was just in it to get some ass, why would spend a whole year of my life trying to do that? Getting ass is as simple as hitting a club and getting a number. You are 100% wrong.

So, okay, you truly loved her then. Cool. Still, you were encouraging cheating, knowingly once you found out she was seeing someone. She was a cheater too, but that doesn't excuse you. Seems to me you really couldn't expect any different outcome at that point, so not sure why you feel so badly done to. Karma is a bitch.

[soulsurvivor23]

Look, I agree that once I was informed of the bf I should've left. I agree that the act of cheating was mutual from the time I knew of his existence and on. But what i'm saying is to call me "stupid" and "dumb" for following my heart is easy to do from an outside perspective. Imagine being in a situation where this girl built you up for months, you had no idea of the bf and you built a mutual connection all this time. You finally get to the point where I love you's are exchanged (she said it first), and some physicality and you think at this point you're just about to seal the deal (in terms of being in a committed exclusive relationship) and she springs this on you. At that point it was certainly my mistake to stick around but it would've been extremely difficult to just shut off the feelings that had formed over all this time. Honestly, in that 8 months we went through a lot together. We met each others families, hell she attended my grandfathers funeral. This girl was a girl that I legitimately thought was the one. So the ring, even though i didn't want her to marry me right this moment, I did want her to marry me eventually. That also played a factor in me buying it. Everything is always very easy when you are watching it or hearing about it rather than experiencing it for yourself.

[IndiReloaded]

I didn't call you stupid for loving her. I said that you are a bit stupid (actual post) if you knowing walk into a lions den. Which you did. The rest is all your interpretation.

Miso called you dumb for buying that ring, which it was. Or do you claim it was extremely intelligent on your part? True, its obvious in hindsight. So.

Anyway, I already gave you my advice. But, since you seem to be focussed on the wrong thing I will repost my main point and leave you to ponder, or not as you wish:

I'm saying that you are trying to pin everything that happened on her, and you are ignoring your responsibility in this.

You made choices knowing fully that things weren't kosher. You got played b/c you let her play you. Especially once you knew she got back with her ex. Who, I suspect, she was probably with the whole time. Note I am not saying her behaviour was okay. But, if you willingly walk into a lions den, you are a bit stupid to think you won't get eaten or at least severely damaged.

But, its common for someone to want to blame events entirely on the other party. This means you didn't do anything wrong and therefore don't need to change anything in your thinking. Ego. Watch out. It will get you into trouble again if you don't figure this.

[soulsurvivor23]

The problem that I had is that you characterized me to the extreme and while parts of it might be true you've taken it to another level.

[IndiReloaded]

Well, I'm sorry you found my delivery upsetting. You seem intelligent, so I hope you can still find something of use in what I have posted. Contrary to what you assume, it comes from hard-won experience. Good luck.

[cmacattack1]

Saying you take responsibility and actually taking it are two different things

And the key words you guys are using is BOYS and GIRLS throwing the love word around like it's no big deal. I dated a girl off and on for three years without saying it to her. Not to say that it was a healthy relationship, it was pretty ****ed up, but to me it means somebody I want to spend my life with and do anything for.

As for giving her things to make her happy to make you happy is as you pointed out not the right way to define your happiness. Giving to her should directly make you happy. That's how I am with my girlfriends, I did those things because it genuinely makes me happy to share what I have with them. It's a bonus if they appreciate it but not a requirement. I don't regret anything I have given before and I think that might be the difference.

[soulsurvivor23]

@IndiReloaded, regardless of how I felt about what you said I shouldn't have responded in the way I did so please accept my humble apology. The first one was admittedly kind of half-assed. That's not really what i'm like. I guess a little bit of what you said just struck me the wrong way, and as you also said, a bit of transferral which is unfair.

@cmacattack1, saying it and actually doing it are indeed two different things. But what you don't know or understand is that probably as early as a month ago I took no responsibility at all. And I didn't even see it as wrong to continue doing what I was doing with her despite knowing her bf was being caught off guard. After I cut her off a week ago, I took a long hard look in the mirror, figuratively. And I realized my fault in the matter, completely. I was led on, yes. I was lied to, yes. But anything that happened from the moment she told me about her bf and on, I have to bare the blame for. Of course she didn't help the situation by telling me she loves me and is gonna leave him for me, that was manipulative. But as Indi said, I did knowingly walk into the lion's den so had I removed myself from that situation when I should've it never would've happened. Lesson learned.

[mysticman]

This story sounds pretty similar to one of mine. With a different outcome though.

Sounds pretty typical too. As soon as you confessed your love for her and got rejected you then decided to reject her and she called you up soon after and confessed that she was in love with you and not the other guy etc etc. She wanted what she couldn't have, and probably craves the drama involved with her circumstances. When she got you on a leash again she took you for a run before finally rejecting you. She might come back, she might not. You're best off leaving her alone until she's over her ex at least.

I chased a girl around who was still into her ex and although I got pretty close to her physically she ended up confessing that she couldn't do it because she was still in love with her ex. Definitely a harsh rejection that really affected me. When I look back I know that I wasn't really in love with her, I just wanted her physically and she was filling that same void you can fill with a drug etc etc. After a couple more months I finally got the girl! Had a pretty good relationship with her for 9 months and then bam, I messed up a bit. Lets just say it was an act of disloyalty on my part...not horrible though, probably about half as bad as kissing someone else and I confessed to it and she completely broke down, packed her bags and ran away as fast as she could. It was something a stronger couple definitely could've gotten over. Funny though, she couldn't face her own crimes which were worse and she was never honest. Pretty hypocritical.

So, the moral of the story is. I got this girl who was messing around with me while still talking to her ex and giving the impression she was still with him. You think after how much she messed around with my emotions that I fully trusted and respected her? Simple answer to that is no. While I was with her, I looked past it and tried to bury the past as best as I could. Deep down though, the pain she caused me was in all likelihood still there, and I can't help but think it might've led me to not be as responsible towards the relationship as I could've been, and that I was probably never going to let myself truly care about and respect her because of it. I know it sounds cold, and it might not even be true....but I can't help but think that might've been an underlying reason.

Anyways, here's the lessons: ex's are a big red flag. If you go near a girl still attached to her ex, you're fighting a losing battle. Doesn't matter how good of a guy you are, you can't compare to the ex. You'll just get burned. Also, you might get the girl in time, but once she's played you...don't expect you'll ever fully trust her. Lastly, she's wasting your time and being selfish. She doesn't want you to want anyone else, but she's free to cling to her ex and keep you on the backburner. This is completely unfair to you. Best thing you can do is detach yourself from her and maybe you'll find someone who isn't going to mess around with your emotions.

[soulsurvivor23]

^^ Thanks for that post. And quite honestly, as much as i've wanted to be with this girl and as long as i've wanted it, when I do think about it, how could I really completely trust someone who was cheating on her bf (with me) and lying to both of us about it. She probably would've done the exact same thing to me and felt no two ways about it. I'm thinking that it may have been a blessing in disguise for things to have never really worked out. Yeah I got taken for a ride, yeah I clearly made some mistakes, but sometimes experience is the best teacher. You can be told a million and one times that the stove is hot, but until you actually touch it you don't really understand. I feel like after I take the time I need to get myself right again, i'm gonna be a stronger, smarter person and i'm gonna find someone worthwhile. She obviously isn't that person.

[IndiReloaded]

You'll be fine, Soul. This^ last post says volumes about how far you've come already.

Apology accepted, the first time, like I said. I also think you needed to lash out a bit. This woman really does suck, FWIW. But she's human, struggling same as we all are.

Best,
- Indi

[soulsurvivor23]

After a talk that I had with one of my wiser friends where I laid out the situation for him he pointed out some things to me that I'm going to add:

1. She was in a rocky relationship with this guy. It had been 2 years prior to knowing me and as mentioned they had broken up and gotten back together several times. So, it's quite possible that when she met me there was genuine interest but she wasn't sure that she would be able to function without the guy who's been there with her for the past 2 years (now 3).

2. The first time she told me "I love you" if i'm to believe her was shortly after he had broken up with her. So emotionally it would seem she was not in the right frame of mind... and I ended up being the "rebound guy" perhaps unintentionally.

3. She told me about him before we did anything physically (aside from holding hands).

4. In December she told me she never really loved me as more than a friend and is sorry for leading me on.. At the time when she saying this I felt like she was saying it because of being mad at me (because we were fighting) but perhaps after sitting back an analyzing the situation, she really meant what she said. And if that's the case it's a difficult pill to swallow, but one that will force me to make some changes to prevent it from happening again.

So either way she is human, and she made a mistake just like I did. Albeit a mistake that greatly affected me and my life, but one that anyone could make. And even though I did tell her we can't be friends (and it was the right thing, one that I don't regret), I will still be the bigger person and forgive her.