My 'boyfriend' wants to be friends before lovers??!! It's driving me crazy!!!

[fnatic]

if someone is like that he could have had a bad history and wanna do things differently an epiphany if you will or he has some serious "performance" issues.

what i don't get is the fact you have kissed each other before but now all of a sudden he doesn't even do that. So this wouldn't fall into the performance category but more in the bad history category. It does seem logical for someone with a bad history seeing the same thing happening again making a drastic turn around.

Kinda like a person that is never assertive but suddenly changes his lifestyle and therefore becomes too assertive cause the person doesn't really know how to balance it since he never experienced being assertive.

As I understand this has been going on for a few months now. So it might be time to do some serious talking. Have a relax evening at home with maybe a dinner and a movie, maybe some wine etc and afterwards have the talk. A serious talk where you get deeper into the conversation and get to know him better.

As i understand you already talked to him about this and he gave you some answers. Well let him elaborate on that, let him talk about what really has happened in the past, maybe it sounds logical on why hes doing this now. I think after a few months you deserve to know a bit more about the man and why he does or does not do certain things. You setting the mood by telling stuff about yourself helps to. I find it easier to talk when both parties are opening up to each other and basically both persons are showing their vulnerability.

if the answers aren't satisfactory or he is trying to avoid the questions setting ultimatums might be a good idea but in my personal view ultimatums suck cause i don't like to be told what to do. So you will have to determine for yourself what kind of person he is.

[iHEARTu]

Lady, what is wrong with you! This guy is saying he doesnt want to ruin this relationship. which means he CARES for you deeply. If you're feeling doubtful- confront him about it.

You could alternatively take the lead and be the affectionate one. Why does the guy have to always be the affectionate one? You take the lead. TELL him you want to be more to him.

Good luck

[qwertz]

after 5 months i think it goes a bit deeper than that iheart.

[tropigal82]

Hmmm.... ok so, he has asked me if I "want to meet for coffee or something" on Saturday. Not sure whether its a good sign or not, bearing in mind he is tee-total these days so he can't ask to meet me for a 'drink'.

Still not sure whats going on, he's been texting me all week telling me how he's walking around his house naked because he has the house to himself this week. I'm like "what are you trying to do to me?!" Its like he's saying that there is nothing sexual between us and yet he will tease me by saying blatently sexual things like that.... bloody hell!!!

Well I guess I'll see what happens on Saturday!!!

[lhn]

Did you actually respond to him with "What are you trying to do to me?"... if u didn't, it might be a good idea to do that?
This seems to have gone on long enough?

[qwertz]

I agree, you need to have this out so you know one way or the other, he's playing games, its gone on way to long and you need to know where you stand.

[sudeep13582]

I think you should read him very carefully.. exactly what he wants..

[SirWagginston]

This thread is captivating. I can't help but picture the OP letting out a vicious roar and pouncing on her boyfriend with the force of a tiger, shredding all of his clothing into little pieces.

"Aaaah! Help me!"

[Lipp]

I don't see what's wrong with him wanting to put the sex on hold so that it doesn't "take over" from the rest of the relationship, sex is probably linked to his previous relationship problems, and so it's no wonder why he's avoiding it for the moment.

As for the kiss on the cheek, I think it might be sort of a formal thing in public, with a kiss on the mouth being sort of a passionate act, whereas a kiss on the cheek is more of a "Good bye!" one, and thus appears more appropriate.

I'd say he sounds like a good guy in most regards, would be a shame for things to turn sour for these reasons.

[tropigal82]

I can't help but picture the OP letting out a vicious roar and pouncing on her boyfriend with the force of a tiger, shredding all of his clothing into little pieces.

Haha Oh my good lord... do you know how difficicult it is for me NOT to do that????!!!! It's going to have to happen though, because I want to devour him, mmm mmm

ANYWAY.... UPDATE UPDATE!!! I saw him today. We went for a two hour stroll along the seafront, at sunset. It was nice, actually. Funny thing is that he really opened up about his childhood and how it affected him, he was talking and talking, (perhaps it was like therapy for him or something) also how it affects him now etc. Then he was asking about my art (I'm an artist) and he said he thinks I should buy a caravan and travel around Europe painting as I go, and then he surprised me by saying "but of course I would have to come with you." (As a 'friend' or a 'lover'???? I didn't ask!!!!!)

Then we went back to his mums place (she wasn't there) and had a coffee and chatted for a while. We got on to the topic of exes. He said his ex girlfriend had left him for a 40 year old millionaire and he said "how can I compete with that?" And I said "she was crazy, to leave you." He asked about my ex boyfriend and said "not that I'm the jealous type, well, not that we are properly togethor or anything." Anyway we ended up talking about sex (AGAIN) so its quite frustrating that everytime we meet we are talking about SEX, and yet we are not doing it!!!

Then we talked about my ex-boyfriend (he was asking about him) and that he was quite a bit older than me. And he said "well, I can see you with a younger guy, who drives you off into the sunset on his harley davidson" There was a pause.... and then I said "well, and that guy can't be you?" He smiled and said " ...it's not that I don't want to be.... I'm just... you know where I'm at right now, what place I'm in" (he's been 'tee-total' and drug-free for a month now). Although he kept saying "I don't understand why you put up with me.... even I wouldn't put up with me." Well, I wanted to say it was because I love him, but I didn't have the courage to say that.

Anyway, even though I still don't know EXACTLY where I stand or what he feels about me, I had a lovely time with him, albeit no physical contact. When I left, I mentioned that I had to go to the supermarket, he said he was going to a a different supermarket but he changed his plans to come to the same one as me

Then he asked what hours I am working next weekend, I said it was a shame I have to work afternoon & evenings next weekend, I thought he would say that would mean he couldn't see me but he surprised me and said "well if its ok with you, I will try and drop by round your place for a cup of tea in the morning, because I will be cycling past your place." (He's training for a 1000 mile bike ride).

The strange thing, even though I'm confused by him, I feel so amazingly calm when I am with him, he just has this calming effect on me. Funny thing is that he says I have the same effect on him!

[1337lizard]

Sweetheart, let me just say that I'm new to this forum, and I read through the first page while I was frustratingly waiting for my confirmation e-mail to arrive and the moment it came I hopped over here.

I'll be blunt; from an outsider's perspective it looks like he's playing games. It's like he cut your relationship in half and discarded the physical half while keeping the emotional side to himself.

I wonder what he's saving himself for, because here's a girl who is very interested in him and ready to pounce. Yet he's keeping you at arms length for extremely vague reasons while you're both becoming closer emotionally. Sounds a little fishy. The rest of it seems fantastic and I'm happy for you, but you shouldn't let this half a relationship drag on forever. If the man wants you, he needs to go all in and give himself over to you completely the way you're trying to do for him.

A little metaphor for some perspective, it's like he's the kid that's afraid to jump in the pond because it might be cold. He's been testing the water with one foot which is fine for a limited amount of time, but for months? Good luck miss, I hope you figure this out soon, and more importantly, I hope he figures things out soon.

[tropigal82]

Thanks Lizard. Thats exactly what it feels like, that he's cut our relationship in half and kept the emotional connection but discarded the physical affection. And now its strange, we are not quite in a relationship, and yet we are not just platonic friends...

I agree, its not something I will put up with for months on end. I'm still keeping my options open and if someone comes along then I will have to say 'sorry but I have found someone that IS willing to have a physical relationship with me' (although it's hard to imagine finding someone else when I only have eyes for this guy.)

I'm going to see how things go, baring in mind we have our naked life-drawng session rendez-vouz in 2 months, so I will use that as the final tester... if nothing happens then, then I will call it quits.

In the back of my mind I am wondering if he's waiting for something to happen with another girl, i.e. he's 'put me on hold' while he waits to see what develops with some other girl, but, I don't know.... I don't know....

[1337lizard]

Well I'm hoping he isn't putting you on hold to develop another relationship although that is certainly a distinct possibility. It happens from time to time. However there really isn't enough information to say that it's a likely possibility. The longer he waits though, the more questionable his motives become.

I say you mack on the next good lookin guy you see lol. d(^_^)b

[tropigal82]

I hope not too Lizard, as you say its a possibility but then I think, he still wants to hang out with me so its not like his attention has been totally diverted.

I'm wondering more and more whether his reluctance to have sex is related to some sort of STD or health implications. The reason I say this is because I remember on our second date he mentioned about "being too embaressed to talk about something" and at the time I didn't ask him what it was (I wish I had!!!) and then about two months into dating we were having a very raunchy kissing session in a bar, and he started saying "I want you to know that I respect you and even though it's not that I don't want to... you know... I mean don't get me wrong I would rise to the occasion... but you know, I respect you too much to...." I remember thinking it seemed like a strange thing to be saying as we were clearly getting very passionate, so, what made him feel the need to tell me that?!

Then when I was round at his place on Saturday I noticed a letter from the NHS (national health service) addressed to him, it wasn't open (he'd opened all the others but left that one closed, but put it in his bag)

Maybe I am reading too much into it, but seeing as he was hesitant about the 'sex' issue right from the first date then it would make sense. I could be wrong though.

He texted me today to say he really enjoyed spending saturday afternoon with me, and that he definately wants to stop by next weekend (I'm working late shifts at the weekend so can only see him in the morning).

Oh well.... watch this space...

[davidtorres]

hmm maybe there is something wrong with him. maybe he was abused when he was a kid or health problems like - 1 balls, std or something bad. why not teased him if you want it so bad?