So after 12 weeks of being broken up with my ex, and for the most part of that spent NC, I've finally started to see things a little more clearly. I almost want to give her a piece of my mind about it really if only to set precidence that the last time I see her, will be the last time I ever want to see her again. I started thinking about all the stupid fights we got into and what we fought about and while I've wavered on the fence on whether she has BPD or I was just saying that to comfort myself through our turmoil (I started thinking that a month and a half before we were even through). To give her the excuse of BPD for all the paces she put me through is kind of like a double edged sword. It means that she isn't just a shitty person, but it also means that her love never really ran as deep for me as she let on.
I started thinking that almost all of our fights stemmed because her insecurities and hypersensitivy to anything that was said. Once the trigger was released than nothing I could say could remedy the situation and we'd have to go to hell and back before anything was resolved, usually hours later. With her it was a constant get away, come back relationship. Tear my head off over something innoculous and when I was heading for the door degrade me until I was gone, but the second I conceded that the relationship was over it was always her begging me for another chance. Yet if I had issues it would always turn into a fight about her and if I said I was getting fed up with things, it never resulted in an apology. Just "fine" or "ok if that's what you want".
What I can't believe is that I was so willing to walk away from her two months before she decided to end it with me and I'm the one that got heart broken out of this. I should have thanked my lucky stars and ran with a new start that I let her think this was her idea anyway. Where did I go wrong? Was I so stupid that I convinced myself that I could tough it out and make it work with this woman because I loved her? And love could prevail over anything? Am I naive or dellusional or what?