On The Brink Of A Breakup

[YvesB]

Hello everybody. This is my first post and this would be long. I badly need help and I came to this. I need opinions.

My GF and I have been dating for almost 7 years. She's my first GF. I'm her first BF. I already offered marriage to her in Feb 2012 and she accepted. But then something happened with my income, so I put it on hold.

Then, on March 15 2013, she removed the ring and told me she wanted a breakup after a fight.

I've been working hard because I already wanted to settle down. I felt pressured because we were planning to migrate to the US. And I must admit I did not give her enough attention from February 2013. But throughout all those times, we were seeing each other almost every other day so I can't understand why she said I did not have enough time for her.

She said she wanted a breakup but she wanted to still continue our visa application to the US. So that was what I did from March 15 until April 7. We were still then in constant communication even after the "breakup" that she wanted. We texted everyday from March 18 but I already gave her all the things she gave me.

I still continued to woo her all those times although she told me not to expect anything anymore.

Her reason for the breakup: She wanted to be independent from me. She said she had already depended too much on me and she needed space. And we always had fights in February and March 2013.

Then, something happened on April 3. I accidentally saw her Facebook chat with another guy that we met in Dec 2012. And damn! They were very long! Since Feb 2013, she's been chatting with him DAY AND NIGHT! I think the only reason why they stopped chatting was because he was sleeping or working, or she was sleeping, or because I was around.

Around the time that she was breaking up with me (March 15), the guy was suggesting to her that they have a long distance relationship. Although she jokingly refused it, it was obvious that she was entertained by what he was doing. I discovered that this has been going on since January/February 2013. Maybe that was the reason why she was so uneasy every time I got hold of her phone. She wanted to hide everything from me.

I asked her on April 3 who the guy was. She explained that he's just a "friend". And that he's not the reason why she was breaking up with me. But I felt that she was lying.

And so I continued to woo her. But I always doubted.

On April 7, I went to their house to talk with her about our application. When she went to the bathroom, I installed a spy software on her laptop. And then I left. She did not know what I did. I wanted to confirm things.

While they were chatting, she did not know that I was seeing everything. I could still recite them all in my head now. I've never been so hurt all my life by what I read. I do not want to go into details anymore but this is what I can say: She was head over heels for him already at that time.

In that conversation, the guy said something like: "Please don't tell me that you won't talk to me anymore. And then you would just talk to me again just hours after". She replied with: "I can't resist it." At the end of the day's chat, the guy asked for a good night kiss. She was already about to tease him to "Come here. I don't want to kiss just here on chat!" But then she backspaced it. And then she typed again: "You have your good night kiss if you come here!" And then she backspaced again and told him "#noflirting hahaha". Although she backspaced it, I already knew the level of "high feeling" she was experiencing with him with that kind of message. She also hinted at him about the US application - that they might have a chance to see each other there (anyway, the 2 of us would just be friends by that time).

After reading that, I immediately went back to their house. And asked her how and why she became like that, why she lied to me, and who the guy really was. I let her choose and threatened her that I would leave her if she chooses him. She chose me. She promised she won't talk to him again. So I took her Facebook and Instagram accounts from her and blocked the other guy.

But after I left, she used her mom's FB to send a "goodbye" message to the other guy. And then she gave her email address there - another chance to contact each other. And so I blocked him from her mom's FB account. And she was searching for him all night and she couldn't find him. It was like a magic spell was cast on her by that other guy.

She made another fake Facebook account with a fake name at that time - which I again blocked.

And then we saw each other again the following day. And we had another fight. I was mad at her because she still sent a "goodbye" message and then gave out a new email address! And then made another facebook account! And so I threatened her again - not only would I leave her, I would also have my revenge (that other people would know this story) if she does not stop it. She told me that she would make up.

The "magic spell" lost its effect on April 9 I think. Since then, she wanted to make up.

I know now more than a month after that she's changed. But I can't forget what I saw and read. Whenever I remember it in the middle of the night, I still feel chills all over my body. And then I won't be able to sleep anymore throughout the night.

Here's what I feel:

1. Disappointed: How could she flirt hard with someone else while I was working hard for our settling down? To the point of really trying to break up with me? Although she says she wasn't trying to breakup with me because of him, I find it hard to believe now because she was searching for his name everyday from February. It was obvious that she was entertained by the sweet messages he was sending her. We already talked about that kind of behavior in 2010 and I thought that won't ever happen again. This is not the 1st time that she had texts/chats with a particular guy day and night. But this is surely worse. I just thought she stopped it already when we talked about marriage. And worse, she was telling about our relationship problems to him!

2. Betrayed: How could she even think of using me and my resources to get closer to that guy? If she really wanted to breakup, she should have told me to stop what I usually did for her.

3. Confused: How could she say I did not give her enough time - that all I ever cared about was my business? We were seeing each other almost every other day but I admit I did not have time for texts/chats. It seems like she would choose texting/chatting over personal visits. On Valentine's Day, I asked her out but she strongly refused and said it was corny. And then I saw her browser history after confronting her - she was just chatting with him all throughout that day! WTF?!

This is our situation now:

She's got over with it already. She wants to forget about the whole incident already. And she is truly sorry. She's making up. She's saying now she really did not want to break up with me at that time because she can't stand to see me meet somebody else eventually.

I've not yet forgotten the whole incident. I still remember their conversation - word for word... still causes tremors. Although I told her I already forgave her, I can't forget it. I've been bringing it up again and again since April 7. And she did cry hard so many times.

My questions to you people are:

1. Am I just overreacting? (It was just chat! And that's what I'm wondering about... how did she become almost head-over-heels for him even if it's just chat?!)

2. Is this already cheating? - chatting with another guy day and night and then hiding and deleting his messages. (Well, it was not like they had sex but it still hurts me so much.)

3. How do I forget what happened and get over with it? I really want this to work out. She said she wanted to start anew. She feels uncomfortable whenever she notices that I remember it.

4. How long should it take for me to get over it? I know cliche answers like "it depends on you". But please give me a specific time frame.

Any opinion would be great! Thanks!

[michelle23]

No you are not over reacting. She was having an emotional affair with this guy which IS cheating. If it were me in your shoes, I would dump my partner but it is your choice.

You could get relationship counselling and try to work through this if you want to save your relationship but it will be hard. You will never forget what she did but maybe if you understand why she did it-it will help you to move past it.

Emotional affairs happen because some people are not strong enough or emotionally mature enough to deal with all the ups and downs that come with a real relationship. When everything is good between you-they are great-the perfect partner but as soon as you hit a rough patch or life gets a little tough-they want to escape from reality and distract themselves by participating in this fantasy "friendship". They become infatuated and obsessed and the closer they get to their "friend", the more they push their partner away. It is a very unhealthy and destructive way to deal with problems.

It doesnt necessarily mean there is something wrong with your relationship or that you were having problems. It could be that she was feeling insecure and liked the attention coz it made her feel more attractive or that she was stressed at work or finding it difficult to come to terms with moving to a new country, getting married etc. There could be 100 different reasons but none of them justify what she did and she cant make excuses.

She needs to find a healthier way to deal with whatever life throws at her. An affair is not the answer and she needs to be stronger if she ever wants to have a satisfying relationship that is built on trust and loyalty.

It is possible for you to forgive her and move past this but you will need to be sure that she never behaves this way again. She needs to accept full responsibility for what she did, she needs to understand why it happened and why it is not okay and she needs to be truly sorry and understand that she can never take you for granted again. The easiest way to achieve that is to break up with her and sit and wait, bide your time until she begs you to come back and then suggest relationship counselling before you agree to marry her. She needs to lose you so she understands how serious this is.

Like I said already, I would not forgive or forget. I would dump him and try to heal emotionally so I can meet a stronger man who can hack it-all the ups and downs of life and love but it is your decision and I wish you luck.

[overanxious]

"Emotional affairs happen because some people are not strong enough or emotionally mature enough to deal with all the ups and downs that come with a real relationship. When everything is good between you-they are great-the perfect partner but as soon as you hit a rough patch or life gets a little tough-they want to escape from reality and distract themselves by participating in this fantasy "friendship". They become infatuated and obsessed and the closer they get to their "friend", the more they push their partner away. It is a very unhealthy and destructive way to deal with problems.

It doesnt necessarily mean there is something wrong with your relationship or that you were having problems. It could be that she was feeling insecure and liked the attention coz it made her feel more attractive or that she was stressed at work or finding it difficult to come to terms with moving to a new country, getting married etc. There could be 100 different reasons but none of them justify what she did and she cant make excuses."

this!!

trust me....some chicks are pure evil...and theyll do anything they can to take advantage.....my ex took my kindness and generosity to get closer to someone new too...i left my 2k couch with her and told her to keep the money id loaned her for a bill(she had been talking to someone and still took advantage of me letting her borrow money) when i had thought it was my fault...then i realized she had been pushing me away....she used the unreturned money and sold my couch to her parents so she had spending money because when i left she didnt have a dime...some people are willing to use anyone and anything to get by....and i flipped the **** out on her....and she was saying things like "i want you to be a part of my life and my friend" and just continued to lie about what she had done.....well theres no trust and loyalty....thats what friendships are based on....

[YvesB]

@michelle23: Wow! Great points you have there!
@overanxious: I think your case was worse than mine. Because it did not really happen in my case.

Right now, she sees me struggling. And she really wants to help me.

Whenever I fall back into negative mode, she tells me that I'm already doing this to myself. I've been deleting everything that could make me remember. I even told her to do the same thing.

But when I review things (because I'm deleting them), I realize that she lied to me for so many times. Even until now, she still lies to me about some minor things about what happened. Maybe because she does not want me to get more hurt.

But when I notice that she is lying (about anything), my trust levels for her immediately plunge to zero.

She told me it wasn't really serious. So I tried to delete any trace of him in her facebook activity logs. Damn! She was searching for his name and looking at his profile every single day since Feb!

I asked her what his last name is after confronting her. She told me "we don't talk about that". But when I saw her mother's Facebook activity logs (to also delete any trace of him), she typed his full name several times to say her "goodbye message"!

I asked her how old he is. She lied again - added 5 years to his real age!

I asked her about his relationship status. She told me again "we don't talk about that really". Days later, she told me about one of his exes. WTF?!

I know these are minor things. But when you want to rebuild your trust for someone, a simple small lie could destroy all of that!