So I’ve met this guy and I’m really keen however like everything in life he has his down sides too. I’m sorry in advance for the essay that is going to follow but please, please, please give me some advice for this situation as I’m so stuck on what to do and it’s all I’ve been thinking about recently.
Ok here goes, so I recently came back from living in Australia for a year and started a new job. my original plan for coming home was to come back for Christmas spend time with the family, work for some money and go back out to Australia in January. Well at the moment I can’t see that going to plan as I met a guy on my first day of work and we just instantly clicked. Things progressed between us and we got really close. After about a week of being close with him, spending all our time together in work and out of work, one of my colleagues knows this guy through a friend and was told he has a partner. Now nothing had happened between us – we spent a lot of time together but I didn’t feel I had the right to say anything to him or get angry as we hadn’t discussed how we felt or what we were. When I plucked up the courage to mention this to him after a couple of days of finding out and worrying he said ‘it’s a really complicated situation’ and assured me I had nothing to worry about. This threw me off a lot as I wasn’t sure what to make of that especially as we had been in conversations with people at work who had asked him if he had a missus and he had said no. He offered to explain the situation but me in my angry/upset state I said that I didn’t want to know any more than what I knew already. However what he did explain is that they had definitely broken up and were no longer together but I was very wary of this. I was left in such a confused mind on what to do I distance myself for a while which was really difficult as I really liked this guy and we got on so well.
In the end the distancing didn’t go too well, months have passed and we spend majority of our free time together. We are really happy together but I can’t stop thinking about this ex girlfriend of his, as the time has gone on he has told me more bits of information, like the fact they had been together for around 6/7 years and that she was absolutely drop dead gorgeous and he was the only guy she had ever been with and she just seems perfect in every aspect. He told me the reason that they broke up was that the last 6 months of their relationships they were having a lot of difficulties and he felt like he couldn’t trust her. He said that meeting me was confirmation that him and her weren’t supposed to be together from what I can gather they broke up just a couple of days into me and him talking. I just feel like I’m always going to be compared to her and I’m nothing in comparison. Now I don’t believe he still sees her because we spend all our time together but I have seen her name pop up on his phone, also I know in this day and age everyone is going to have an ex but they have so recently broken up my main worry is that he will go back to her or that he still thinks of her or even that he still loves her. Sometimes I feel like I’m walking on eggs shells a bit and I have to be careful that we don’t have a big argument or that I do something wrong in case he goes back to her. He has even told me that she still messages him asking him to see her which he said he declines. He told me that she would be hurt if she knew about me and I asked what hes going to be like when she is with another man and will that bring back all the feelings you once felt of her?
It’s now been about 4/5 months since they have broken up and doubt still pass through my mind every day. I still feel like them breaking up is still so raw and that he could decide he’s made the wrong decision and go back to her at any moment. I find it hard to trust people and let my guard down, do I risk getting hurt this once for someone I really like or am I going to look back in a few months and think I should of got out of this whilst I still could without being as hurt.
It’s getting to the point where we want to move our relationship forward I’ve met all his family but my family and friends want to meet him, we want to be sexually intimate but there’s so much doubt in my mind that it’s not letting this happen. I don’t want to sleep with him until I know that I can trust him and we have discussed this and he’s happy with waiting for me which he explained he wouldn’t do if I meant nothing to him. My family and friends want to meet him however I’m wary as what if something happens in a couple of months and we no longer end up being together and I have to explain to all of them what’s happened after they’ve all met him. I try to imagine us together in say 5 years’ time and I can’t but I also can’t see us ever not getting on and breaking up. My mind is in pieces I like this guy so much he treats me well, we get on great and we have something that I don’t think I’ve ever had with a guy before but do I take the risk. When I ask him about her he reassures me I have nothing to worry about and that if he wanted to he could be with her now and he’s not. When I asked about what if you decide to go back to her later on down the line he said he didn’t know but for the moment that’s not what he wants he wants me he said he wasn’t able to comment on the future but he can’t see it happening. Not the best way to convince me but its true he’s unable to comment on the future and if he did just promise it wouldn’t happen – how could he be sure? He would purely be saying it to keep me happy. I don’t want to be the second option which is kind of what I feel like. I feel like if he had the choice to get back with her and be happy, someone he has such a history with or be with me and be happy someone he’s known for a few months he would choose her but then again I don’t know what they had together. Even if I went for it, will this feeling ever go?
I have trust issues and he has just come out of a long term relationship, will this ever work?
Have any of you been in this kind of situation, what did you do?
How do I get over the insecurities of his ex-girlfriend?