Help needed, long term relationship issues

[Acegooner]

Hi,

I hope someone can help. Me and my partner have been very happy for almost five and half years now. Until now that is.

In the last month or thereabouts, I noticed she'd got distant, and wasn't behaving in a manner that was in keeping with normal. I couldn't (and still can't really) put my finger on the cause of it, so I sat her down and eventually, with a bit of coaxing, extracted that she was a bit bored, things were stale, and that she was no longer sure she wanted to be with me.

We talked. I offered that a bit of stagnation is likely not uncommon for people like us who've been in a relationship this long, but with a little effort on both sides, this can be remedied. The thing that was really hard to hear, and I'm not sure there's a way back from, was that she's no longer sure she wants to be with me.

This seems an extremely excessive thing to say if boredom is the only thing that's bothering her, and I'm puzzled as to why she would go to the lengths of threatening our relationship with a statement like that, rather than her expressing her feelings to me. All she needed to of done was told me she was a little bored with the direction we were going in, and we could of both very quickly sorted things out.

This was very difficult to hear as you can hopefully imagine. Although I've asked her probably a dozen or so more times now, she insists that that's it, and there are no other issues. The bigger issue now is that this was last Saturday, almost six days ago now, and we're no further forward with it. Every day this goes unresolved, she's hurting me more, and if we can find a way past this thing, its going to make that path that much tougher moving forward afterwards. I'm very stressed about it, haven't been sleeping, and have thought of nothing else since. Furthermore, because its her that's having the doubt, it her that's in total control of the situation, so I feel like a complete lame duck waiting for her to decide what happens next.

This was bothering me so much, I opted to move out for a couple of days. It will hopefully enable her to get her head straight, and I actually managed to sleep last night for the first time in almost a week.

The question is, where do we go from here? She's clearly got to arrive at a decision of some sort, but equally, I can't be left dangling like this for weeks on end, its killing me, and have told her so.

Anyone's thought, advice, experience, all greatly appreciated at this stage. I'm emotionally spent.

Thanks

[pcmaster]

Whats your passion? What makes you exited, what are you all about?

[michelle23]

Most people go through a stage of doubts in a long term relationship where you wonder is the grass greener etc or take each other for granted a little. How you handle it will determine whether you work it out or not.

You can either try to act normal and pretend she said nothing and hope that she gets through this stage on her own over the next few months until you get back to normal (which is what my bf did when I went through this after my aunt died and it worked. I know now 100% that he is the love of my life)

or

you can move out, give her the space she needs and wait for her to come back to you.

I don't want to give you false hope. This could be the beginning of the end or it could just be a phase. When I went through it-I was emotionally numb and depressed because I was grieving badly and it was no reflection on him or our relationship. It was just me confused because I was hurting and I shut out all my emotions which meant I wasn't feeling much for him for awhile.

You could suggest relationship counselling if she is just confused.

[Boisdevie]

1. Ask her what bits of the relationship she wants changing.
2. Ask her if she wants you to do certain things to make a difference.
3. Have a deadline in mind and get her to agree with one.

But at least you're communicating which is far better than ignoring a problem. At least you've got a chance to resolve things one way or another.

[VerticalMoon]

Instead of moving out by yourself, why not rent a nice hotel room for two, and buy some champagne and bubble bath to enjoy together in the hotel room? Take her on a drive some place new that you haven't been before. Surprise her with a big bouquet of flowers at work. Basically, do something that's new and different, which you haven't done before. It doesn't matter what. Just do anything fun to try to get you both out of that rut.

She's told you what the issue is. You've got an opportunity to start trying to remedy the situation before she leaves. Instead, you're just sitting back waiting for her to decide what she wants to do. That's probably the most boring thing you could be doing right now.

I understand you're scared. And I agree with you that she should have brought up the issue before telling you she might leave over it. But she hasn't left yet. You still have a chance to see whether or not you can make the relationship exciting for her. Take that chance before it's too late!

If you try to do something exciting and she's not feeling it, then maybe it is already too late. But maybe it'll get her feeling excited about the relationship again. Then you can try to figure out ways to keep the relationship more interesting- look for other hobbies, plan more vacations, whatever it takes. But it needs to start somewhere. Good luck!

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Being emotionally spent is a good thing. Now you can hopefully see it for what it is, and act intelligently. Send her a text that it's over and she should only contact you if she decides she wants to be together, but you want to start moving on and trying to find someone else. Let her know you'll try to drop by to get your stuff when you know she won't be there. Show her you're moving on, and you'll be okay without her. It's a win-win because she'll either come crawling back or you're already ahead in the moving on game.

[sofaraway]

I feel for you as your in a very hard place right now. I think you need to take control of the situation. Talk to your gal and say that if she feels like that she either needs to work with you to make things better, or she needs to move on. It might seem tough to do this but waiting while she decides isnt helping you either. Maybe come up with ways to bring the excitement back in to your r'ship and if she agrees with you then you have a chance. If she doesnt want to do this them Im afraid its probably already over and waiting around just makes things worse.