Help!! Need advice about my bf of 13 months

[Hannah77]

Hey guys. I've been in a serious committed relationship with my boyfriend. We've been together 13 months now and we love each other so much. We're both attached to each other and we have a really cute relationship. We're normally so affectionate with each other no matter where we are.

I just turned 19 and we're about the same age. We used to fight a lot but the past 4 months or so we've been getting along great and have been barely fighting at all. He told me the other week how happy he was with me and he loved the way I was being lately and how much fun we've been having together.

However, 3 nights ago we got in a stupid fight. It was really pathetic and caused by me. But ever since then he's been different. He's texted me a couple times over the past couple days saying he hates how I flip out over little things and cause pointless fights. I admit I can be immature at times and I overreact or I over think little problems and sometimes I freak out at him and I know he doesn't deserve that. He says he does have fun with me and is happy with me most of the time but he also hates being with someone who can freak out at any little thing and it's like an emotional roller coaster. I normally don't flip out like this often, but it does happen every once in a while.

This time I really upset him and he says he loves me but being with me kills him sometimes. And this morning he said he needs a while to think.

I'm freaking out right now!!! Could one stupid fight change our relationship and his feelings for me THAT much?? Or does he just need time to calm down? I really need to get him to agree to meet me that way I can sincerely apologize in person. What do I do? And how much time do you think he'll need to think?? I'm afraid I won't see or hear from him for a while and it hurts so badly because we're so close and I do feel attached to him.

My instinct is telling me that he wants things to work out between us because otherwise I think he would've told me immediately it's over. And I'm trying to stay positive by thinking that he wouldn't break up with me over this stupid fight considering how close we are and how strong of a relationship we had. But I'm feeling really depressed now because we normally talk everyday and normally I see him a lot. I'm fearing I won't see or hear from him for a while now.

The idea of him losing love for me while taking time to think always scares me. Do you think while he takes his space he'll miss me and realize the good in me? Or do you think he'll feel happier without me and get over me? I feel so confused and upset

[Nicolelong]

Deep breath girl. If you freak out or get emotional, you will be basically confirming his fears and make the situation worse. Stay calm. Every relationship, no matter how great, goes through ups and downs, mood swings, insecurity, boredom, etc. It happens. It sounds to me like this has been bothering him for a while but he has not said anything until now.

I think we're all guilty of overreacting and being moody at times. I know I am! The trick is dealing with the irritants in a way that is not directed at him. Physically take in a deep breath before you speak. Think before you act. If you feel overwhelmed or heated, walk away from the situation for a while until your head is clear and you can communicate effectively.

I don't get the impression that he wants to break up, just that he needs a breather. If you get emotional and start barraging him with texts and phone calls, it will push him away that much more. Let him cool down and put things in perspective. When he contacts you (and he will) when he's ready, let him know that you've been reflecting a lot about the way you react to things sometimes and that you want to work on that for both of you. Acknowledge that you have hurt his feelings and assure him that you realize that you haven't been considerate and want to change that. Don't cry or beg.

Again, I really don't think he is dumping you, but you do need to play it cool :-) It will work out!

[Hannah77]

Thank you so much! That helps make me feel a lot better. I have a good feeling that we're not breaking up. I'm trying to stay as calm as possible. I am worrying though about how much time he needs when he says he needs space and time to think. What's the best thing I can do in my situation? Is there any way I can make him realize or remember how much he really does need me and love me? I'm worrying that while he takes his space he'll only reflect on the bad times we've had. I want him to think and focus on the good times we've had. Should I not contact him or should I say anything specific to him?

[Nicolelong]

It's just been since this morning when he said he needed to think, right? I would say give him a couple of days. I don't think he is going to reflect on bad times only, especially if you honor the breathing room. It sounds like you guys have had a good time together overall, and he is going to miss having you around all the time. Let him miss you.

After a couple of days, if he hasn't contacted you by then (my gut says he won't wait that long) you could send him a text asking how he is and that there are some things you want to talk with him about.

[Hannah77]

Yes, I'll give him a couple of days then. I'm worried he will be a happier person without me. (Not that I don't want him to be happy) but he chose to spend a lot of time with me instead of family/friends and I think it ultimately has ruined him because he missed them and was spending a lot of time with me and he says he could never just need one person to be happy and he needs his friends. I'm worried while he has space he will hang out with his friends and be happier than ever and not want to be with me anymore. I really hope he does miss me and realize he's happier with me than without me

[Nicolelong]

Well that's a common problem too. It's really easy to want to spend 24/7 together, especially in a newer relationship. That can cause other things to suffer, such as friendships, hobbies, etc. It's very healthy to have your relationship be a piece of the pie, rather than the whole pie. To have a balanced and complete life, he does need time with his friends and family too. The time apart, even for a couple of hours, helps stop the relationship from becoming smothering or all consuming. It would be good for you to have your own life outside of him as well.

When you talk with him I would let him know that you have recognized that this relationship/life balance needs to be adjusted as well. You both could benefit from some time spent with your crews instead of each other once in a while.

You understand what's happening here, and realize what needs to be changed. That in itself is a huge step in the right direction

[Hannah77]

I'm worried that if he stays with me then he'll spend a lot of time with his friends and won't make much time for me. I'm a little scared of him not spending enough time with me for me to be happy in the relationship. I don't want to feel left out or like his friends make him happier than I do. I also feel kinda vulnerable because he knows I want him to stay with me and I'm worried he'll take advantage of that and make all these changes that will make HIM happy instead of me or us together happy.. I don't want him to treat a situation like "things have to be this way or I'll break up with you" if that makes sense. I'm worried he'll stop considering my feelings. Sometimes he's really nice and considerate and then other times he can be extremely selfish if he's that upset. I haven't heard anything else from him today and it sucks if he does text me tonight should I respond to it? Or should I ignore it and make him wonder what I'm doing and miss me? And do you think if there's no contact between us for a few days he'll miss me and realize he does want me? Or will he start to get over me? I'm hoping because of how close we are he won't be able to get over me so easily if he had space for a few days or so

[basilandthyme]

Hannah, it's not one silly fight which will end things. It's about the one fight being a culmination of all the other stupid fights and him going "AAARGH I CANNOT DO THIS ANYMORE!".

I also don't believe in calling fights stupid or pathetic. If the issue was just minor or silly, then you wouldn't be having a fight over it! If the issue is small, then there is something behind that small thing which makes us go off. Perhaps it was tone of voice. Perhaps it's not feeling respected. Thing is, if a person brings out the worst in us, we need to have a long look at what's going on.

I'm not going to be all positive about this because something is clearly wrong. Having lots of arguments (no matter what their cause) is not ok. There's something wrong with the relationship or wrong with how you react to regular stuff. It's time to have a long hard look at identifying what's going wrong and putting in place changes to stop it from happening again. Or to recognise that these changes won't happen and walk away.

Lastly, if you try and keep him from his family and friends, you will lose him. If he needs to see them, then perhaps go with him.

[Hannah77]

Well obviously something is wrong. Thanks for your advice which actually ended up making me feel 100x worse

- - - Updated - - -

And btw we never have arguments. That's why I asked if could one fight change his mind so drastically about me. We might have some sort of disagreement once in a while which is obviously normally since we won't always agree but this time he's being so distant now which is obviously upsetting me

- - - Updated - - -

And I'm trying my hardest to make changes to the relationship. But it's hard to provide proof of change when he says he needs space because obviously that means we're not speaking so much and really seeing each other. I've told him about the changes that will be made and he says he appreciates everything I'm trying to do but he's not sure if he's ready to take a chance on me yet. So I guess all I can do is wait but it's really hard and upsetting me

[basilandthyme]

Did you want me to tell you that for sure he'll be back in a week and all will be well? I mean yes, he might be back soon. But equally, this isn't sounding good.

Who are you trying to kid when you say that you don't have arguments? In your first post you wrote

>>He's texted me a couple times over the past couple days saying he hates how I flip out over little things and cause pointless fights. I admit I can be immature at times and I overreact or I over think little problems and sometimes I freak out at him and I know he doesn't deserve that. He says he does have fun with me and is happy with me most of the time but he also hates being with someone who can freak out at any little thing and it's like an emotional roller coaster. I normally don't flip out like this often, but it does happen every once in a while<<

The fact that you're now denying that the he has disliked your behaviour for a while now is an issue itself. How can you fix something which you no longer acknowledge? You talk about 'normal' differences, but hon, it's not normal to feel like you're on a rollercoaster. It's not normal to have a partner tell us that we flip out over little things and cause pointless fights.

Something is wrong. It needs to be fixed for this to work

[Hannah77]

I do acknowledge what's wrong. I already said what's wrong in my previous messages. I know exactly what the problems are and I even know how to fix them. The immaturity in my reactions when something goes wrong is something I know I can control and fix. I see potential in my relationship with him because we're not ones to fight with each other frequently. It's not like I don't acknowledge any issues here or I'm not willing to change.

And about the argument thing what I was trying to say is that you were making my relationship sound like it was some horrible thing where there's constant fighting and nothing but bad things. Him and I rarely fight. We'll disagree on occasion which is, of course, normal..considering the amount of time we had been spending together. When I say I've "flipped out" it pretty much (I admit) does consist of something immature like me calling his phone a bunch of times trying to get a hold of him when I get upset. Or me raising my voice at him. It's nothing so dramatic or hurtful but I know it's still unacceptable and annoying.

I think he feels attacked and gets really annoyed with me. And probably feels hurt because things had been going so well and then all of a sudden I get upset. It's not everlasting..whenever it has happened in the past we've gotten over it fairly soon and continued to have a great rest of the day or night together. It hasn't happened a lot over the course of our relationship but unfortunately has still happened.

I'm pretty hopeful things will be okay (I'm aware they might not be too) but he knows I'm serious about changing and he also says being in a relationship with me is fun and happy most of the time. I think he just wants time to himself for now

I am a little worried because I didn't hear from him last night or this morning. It's only been on day now since he said yesterday morning he needed space. I guess I will give him some time to think. He said some things that showed hope everything will be okay. Like he said he loves me and is attached to me, and he was saying that for this relationship to work he would need.."such and such" to happen. So he was saying things that showed hope instead of us breaking up. I'm of course aware he may not want to take another chance.. Because it is concerning how he didn't talk last night.

Yesterday we did talk in the morning. So I'm thinking if there's a couple days starting today of no contact then he will probably have his space and the realization will kick in that he misses me talking to him and being around and he'll wonder where I went.

Obviously I know something is wrong. And I'm not denying he dislikes my immature behavior when I show it. It's something that I show rarely, but is still shown if I become upset enough and I start yelling at him or blowing up his phone. I already acknowledged the problems in my earlier messages. I'm not trying to kid shit. I'm mature enough to admit my wrongs I'm just looking for some advice on what to do in my situation like to cut off contact with him while he thinks or what

[basilandthyme]

Sorry, I know that your relationship is not all fights. No relationship is all fights and all decent relationships have a lot of good times too.

The advice I will give you in your current situation is to give him space and use that time to work on yourself. When he does contact you again, you will be able to tell him that you've started counselling/reading/whatever and have new strategies to help you manage your moods better.

He may or may not choose to continue, but either way, you'll come out of this stronger and more mentally healthy for a relationship.

[Hannah77]

Thank you he did text me tonight telling me he loves me and he listed the things he needs to change and if I work with him to change our relationship for the better than we can be together