I might be losing my partner of 11 years

[Tndo]

I don't normally write anything, but I just feel like I want to get some perspective on this thing I'm about to tell.

I've been together with my girlfriend for over 11 years now. She's currently traveling with a friend. I've been home alone for three weeks, and she won't get back until next month. We've been communicating trough Facebook for the most part, both texting and calling eachother. Problem is that she's on the other side of the globe so we live in completely different timezones right now. Last night she called me and we had a pretty normal chat until she said that she'd seen couples who are traveling together and that she's a bit envious that we can't do the same. I recently got a new job and can't really go on a seven week trip out of the blue. This is something we've talked about before. She's more optimistic and a spur of the moment-type, while I'm more reserved and maybe a bit pessimistic. So this is nothing new. I asked her why she had to bring something like that up right now when we're so far away from eachother. She replied by saying that she wanted to tell me how she feels. Then she continued by saying that we're so different, and that we've grown apart during our adult years. Then she said that something had happened that she didn't think was possible. I felt my heart rate increase, and everything around me kind of went a bit blurry. I didn't say anything, I just listened. She then told me that she had developed feelings for someone else. At this point I was speechless. 30 seconds went by as I stared down at the floor, not really being able to comprehend what she had just told me. I asked who he was, and she said that he's someone from the country she was in the week before. She assured me that she didn't do anything physical with the guy, only that they talked and hanged out, both in groups and privately. I think I tust her, but I can't stop my imagination. During our 11 years we have never had problems of this kind.

This is completely new to me. I've always naively thought that these kinds of things only happen to other couples. That our love was strong enough to endure anything the world throws at it. All this comes as a huge blow to me mostly because before her trip she said that this would be the last time we'll be apart from each other for several weeks, and that she wants to start trying to get pregnant next year. We have had this whole plan figured out. Move, maybe buy a house, and start building a family. It's so strange how you can be so certain of something in your life one moment, and in a flash something can tear it down.

She called me again this morning and asked how I was doing. I said that my mind is a bit messy and that I'm not feeling too good. We talked for two hours about us and what the hell we can do. She asked what I felt and what I wanted to do about our realtionship. I said that I still love her but I don't know if I can live with the fact that she has feelings for someone else. She said that she felt like another person, like she was living in a fantasy world when all this happened. And I can kind of understand that. When you're traveling you're completely carefree and happy. You don't think about problems at home or at work, you just let go. The thing is though that at some point you have to face reality and realize the responsibilities you have in life. Traveling is kind of like a distortion of reality. It can feel amazing, but in the end you have to land.

We have a two week trip planned for next month. She said that she wants us to go on the trip. That it would be good for us to be with eachother and see if we want to continue being with eachother or go our separate ways. I don't know if I can do it. We've had problems during our time. It's like our relationship was a small minefield before, but now someone dropped a hydrogen bomb on it. She says that she wants to give us another chance, I do too, but I don't know if I can. We've been together our entire adult lives. I was 18 when I met her, now I'm 29. I have no memories of my adult life that she isn't part of. It's hard for me to imagine a life without her, but at the same time it's hard for me to imagine life with her after what has happened.

Sorry for the wall of text. I just needed to get it out and maybe get a response from someone. As I said, this is completely foreign to me and I'm not equipped to deal with this. Oh, and since english isn't my native language I hope you can see past any errors I've made.

[madotnw_nihs]

Hey, I know it feels like the world is falling apart. 11 years is a long time, and it is normal that someone in the relationship to have feelings for someone else. The good thing is she seems to want to continue this relationship and make it work. You just need to get over this hurdle. I wouldn't punt the relationship now if I were you. Go and spend time with her and I think your heart will heal.

[TheEvilJester]

Agreed with madotnw. Believe me, I can understand how you feel and I can definitely understand having a hard time being okay with the fact that she was interested in somebody else. The thing is, really everybody has that at some point even while in a relationship. You don't cease to be human merely because you are in a relationship. The important thing is whether or not you act on it and whether or not it makes you value your existing relationship any less.

I can't know if she passes those tests or not. Nor can you, really, because you can't read her mind. But, it certainly sounds likely that she does. She seems to still want to see if you two can work, and that is a good first step. Because, what you both really need to do right now is to work together to decide if you two are different in ways that are acceptable or maybe even complimentary... or if you are too different in ways that aren't good.

Honestly, a couple doesn't have to be basically gender-swapped versions of each other. You don't have to be exactly alike and have EVERYTHING in common... yet at the same time you should at least have enough key things in common that you make a good match. So, on the surface the fact that she likes to travel more than you do may NOT be such a big deal.

....But, if she's the type who can't be happy unless she's CONSTANTLY on some super long, super expensive trip and yet you would be miserable constantly traveling like that, then maybe you two aren't the right match after all. Shame if you find that out after being together 11 years, but at least you are finding that out while you are still both relatively young. 29 may not seem a great age to start over, but you are still young.

On the other hand, maybe she'd be perfectly happy with some big trip once a year.... and maybe that is something you'd be perfectly happy to do. So, that is a case where you two may be different.... but you can find a common middle-ground that makes you both happy. So, really it is all about that sort of thing. Finding out exactly what are the differences that seem to be pulling you two apart lately. Discuss them, explore them, and determine if they are proof that you are TOO different to work, or if they are differences where you can actually find a good compromise that works for you both.

I wish you the absolute best of luck. Ideally, if I could make a magical wish for you, I think my wish for you would be that this works out. It would stink to have to start over after 11 years. But, failing anything magic, I just wish this works out for you in whatever way turns out to be best. Whether that does mean you two make it work after all.... or whether it means you learn that you two just aren't the right match and it is better to move on now. God forbid, if that does happen, at least you are finding out now rather than taking your relationship even further only to find out then.

Good luck to you either way.

[Hooo!]

So she wavers
She’s never tasted another dick then yours for 11 years
And instead of being understanding
You act like a bitch and start doubting your relationship?

Instead of being romantic and sexually attractive and instead of taking the feeling that the other guy brought up in her and make her think the same about you you start to whine about your relationship too?

You are not being constructive here dude.
People get to know other people. And sometimes they click well. Attractiveness developing a crush and so on. Maybe having sex
What does that have to do with a fulfilling relationship?

However I doubt that you are the part that is fulfilling in the relationship. Probably your sex life gets boring
Or you take her for granted.
Instead of stopping you Always continue to seduce your girl
You always continue romance
You always continue being sure of her and the relationship
And you always know how she feels and what she really thinks

And my bet is that you have failed at least at one of the above (I’m betting on the latter)