Mature relationships?

[Love_Again?]

Hello, I have read a few topics that sound similar to my situation but it seems that I am older than some of these who are in these situations and perhaps my situation needs feedback from someone who has had to deal with decisions like the ones I am about to embark on. I realize that I have only had a relationship for less than two years and, really, this is not that long compared to others I've seen but I am about to be out in the "real world" soon. My girlfriend has graduated a semester ahead of me and has a intern/part-time job at a university in her home-city. I am still stuck here in the school she graduated from planning to graduate this semester. What to do, what to do? Seems easy, right. We have been talking seriously for a while and I have all but her parents blessing -- her family loves me. I've been thinking about moving to her town to start school and/or work but is it right. Right after she moved, she broke up with me claiming she wanted to date and have fun or what not. She said that she was a working class socialite now, yet, she lives with her parents -- she's not living in the real world. She is not independent. So why start with severing me -- am I holding her back from great success. I do pay my own bills and go to school and I have had only minimal help from my family. Don't mean to get off topic but I thought she was just being naive and so I held on. Six weeks later and curiously right before Valentine's it's Boyfriend, Girlfriend talk again and of course, being helplessly in love, I fold and take her out to a fancy restaurant and hotel. God, this love is just unhealthy and lopsided to me but I still endure. I am most certainly in LOVE but I always feel underappreciated. She has not called me since Monday after I called her and even drove to her city, three hours away, to stay at her parents place just to get up and come back. I am planning a party for her this weekend and inviting all the old friends so at least I'm pretty sure she'll be coming to visit. But even if she is busy -- I'm busy too-- doesn't she think about calling or think about me at all. I am afraid to call because it was less than a week ago that we were still tentative and now I'm afraid she may still need space. She probably does if she's not calling. How can she still be unsure after taking it all back on Valentine's. I really enjoyed it. It felt like we were the same again. She told me exactly what I needed to hear. Maybe she does need more time -- god, it's all I can do not to call all the time. You can probably figure that this is my first love. Although life gives no guarantees I do feel that she and I can make this relationship work and eventually be married. I love her and I think if she could drop her doubt's for a second, she would realize that she loves me too or is in love with me. I don't know if I even want advice cause I know that I'm going to stay unless it gets really bad but maybe I just wanted to see if I'm crazy. Possibly I'm smothering. Why do I feel so needy, is it my fault or is she really lacking? I don't know. What I do know is that I got it bad.

[Zekk_T_Strife]

I felt similarly with my first love. And it took me YEARS AND YEARS to realize it wasn't ever going to work. Big relief when I did though. As for your situation, I'll try not to preach too much advice to you so I'll just give my opinion. It sounds kind of odd that you two could be so close then she tries to pull a "high and mighty" by claiming she's a "working class socialite". That's a really lame term to make her feel all grown up by the way. I mean there's nothing wrong with living with her parents, but she shouldn't think she's the shit and now needs to replace you. That just seems immature to me. From what I read I would have to say that it's understandable the way you are feeling and that often in these situations when a guy falls in love with the girl, the girl really likes to put you through a lot of bullshit (speaking from past experience as well) and you just want to be able to slap them and make them see how right you and her are. Well, I'll refrain from advice to keep with your wishes, but I wish you luck man. I know where you're at with all this.

[Love_Again?]

Thanks, Goo. I've heard it from alot of people -- that it's ok to feel the way that I do but for some reason it means alot more from a total stranger, especially one who has been through somthing similar. Man, I've heard alot of different stories now too,about guys in similar situations, and I wonder if you saw some of the same, Goo. Like stories about how the guy just left em' cause they knew the girl wasn't worth it and stories where the guy held on and it eventually worked out and maybe the guy was even more appreciated after that. I've come to the conclusion that only I can decide wheteher she's worth the bullshit, but apparently, you must have thought that too (she was worth it) or else you wouldn't have held on so long. Even now, how can you be so sure about it one way when you were once so sure that she was it. I'm definitely scared of this, too. Is she really good enough or is it a figment of my imagination -- hell, is anybody good enough for this. I want to believe that some people are and that she is. I want to, but I guess I can never be sure. Fortunately, I will be graduating soon and I will probably not make the decision to move close to her if things do not get better. The problem is will she give me just enough rope to hang myself by leading me to believe it's something she wants only to pull the carpet out from under me once I'm stuck. Maybe I just need to do what's best for me and not go there and just let this whole thing unravel but I feel like such a copout. Maybe she has already copped out. What's your opinion on this, Goo?

[Zekk_T_Strife]

Firstly I would like to commend you on calling me Goo. Actually my name is Zekk and I am merely the Lord of all Goo (goo is my favorite word, you'll hafta excuse me). But back to the point. See, I've know that girl for around 6 years and I was in the background and hoping for something with her for 5 years. We were always best friends but never anything more. She would have boyfriends and they would come and go and it never bothered me, my hope was strong. But eventually we all come to that point where we just have to realize "this is going to happen or it's not." I chose not. As much as I loved her, as much as I wanted her, as much as I would do anything for her, I honestly could not imagine for the life of me us being together. After spending so much time hoping for it actually picturing the reality of it seemed quite proposterous. I guess all I can say is to really evaluate what you feel and if you believe it's realistic. Learn if the emotions you're spending on her is really worth it to you. In the end I chose to give it up and that was about a year ago. As of late me and her don't talk to much, which in a way is depressing, losing my best friend of 6 years. But in another way it really did free me. You see, our friendship broke apart when I told her I wouldn't be able to move in with her. I just came to realize that regardless of how wonderful of a friend I'd been to her, she had begun to take me for granted. She was so excited about getting an apartment together that she didn't have my best interests at heart at all, she didn't care. She just knew I was this guy that made her feel awesome about herself, but she never really cared about me. So it didn't really hurt when she stopped talking to me. I dunno what else I can really say, I hope my experience is helping you in some way.

[Innova]

GOO!!!!!!

[Zekk_T_Strife]

[Love_Again?]

It helps. She definitely is taking me for granted. Whether or not it's realistic, I really am waiting to find out myself. I believe if she continues to doubt us as a couple, then it will not be realistic for me to pursue it. I would just be in fantasy land if I continued like this. On the other hand, is it realistic of me to believe that she could come around? Well, it would take alot of growing up on her part and I sure would need alot of faith -- it's a tuff pill to swallow, either way. It does sound to me like you made the right decision for you, though. I think it will be soon when I can see that she is not willing to change or that she is trying. I'll base my decisions on what I see from her. Thanks again Zekk, this is good.

[Zekk_T_Strife]

Ah this all sounds so familiar to me. I mean personally I would guess you're gonna wanna break it off. Never think that she'll come around. If she's taking you for granted it won't change. Just watch her and see if you can make your decision. Keep me updated, I'll be glad to talk with ya further.

[Love_Again?]

Wow, this is crazy. She is actually in the next room as I write this. She did come this weekend after all and we had a great party! Unfortunately, I spent most of the night trying to keep her attention and not appear clingy. I was definitely preoccupied, mentally. As the night wore on some of my closer friends noticed my abnormal attitude and asked about it. After it was pointed out, I tried to loosen up and I did. I didn't get trashed, but I stopped worrying so much about whether or not she was having a good time or noticing me. She did have a good time, though and was really appreciative. She has given me lots of attention before and after the party. I'll continue this a little later -- gotta go.

[Love_Again?]

Damn, I thought I was doing alright. I told her about my idea to move to her town after I graduate. She is positive about it but fears that I'm doing it for the wrong reasons -- and she's right. She didn't say this exactly but she says things like, "I'm scared that if you do come to Dallas you will annoy me," or, "I'm afraid I'll grow tired of you," and, "I want to know that I can do it on my own before I start a life with you." These aren't exact quotes, but the jist is there. Man, my friends said I was trying too hard and I am. I swear to god, I can't just chill. I feel sorry for even bringing it up with her. It was all I could do not to start ballin' right then. What a pathetic mess I am right now. You know it's funny, because, before I met Her I was was always wanting to feel like I was in Love. My life felt so empty and bland, and I remember thinking that I would love to feel the quiet desperation and panging that I used to have for secret crushes in middle school. Maybe you all can remember what torture that was. Any way, 10 or 15 times that is what I got now and the stakes are way higher, and I guess it's just kinda funny, that's all. Isn't that funny? I am happy that I can see some humor in it because the alternative is suicidal thoughts. Not really, but It gives me hope for myself. I believe she doesn't want to feel guilty if I move to Dallas and things don't happen for us. She is right to feel this way. How did she become the practical thinker in this mess? This is such a catch 22, huh? Imagine, for a second -- It's Dallas or bust for this relationship. I live three hoyrs away and if I commit to two or three more years of school, there is no way we're gonna last -- now that's practical thinking. I can't go to Dallas for the wrong reason because I screwed myself and doomed the relationship -- possibly. I can't just sit on my ass and not look for a job or not apply to school until she makes up her mind. gotta go , I'll be back, serious drama in my brain at the moment.

[Love_Again?]

Well, she is gone now. I feel so sad right now. I missed her before she has\d even left. I don't understaND HOW WE COULD HAVE HAD THE SAME EXPERIENCES IN this relationship, yet she does not feel as badly as I do about this. I just want for this to work out and it's very hard to have patience right now. I am scared, lost, unmotivated and somewhat deceived. I am really borderline, non-functional right now. How am I going to make it through this semester like this? I'm so scared and I don't even know why. I feel like I can't even use my "welfare checks" any more -- thay've heard it from me a million times and I feel like such an idiot falling into these same moods over and over. She really must be in a different state of mind than I. Maybe, if I can just graduate I will begin to see life beyond this relationship but god damn it's hard right now. I'm not close to my own parents and all my friends are guys. Sometimes I just want a hug and for someone to tell me that I'll be alright. I'm starting to feel that if I don't get ahold of myself, I will have to end contact with her just to save myself. I don't want to do this -- if I could just stay cool and wait it out, this is my best option.

[Love_Again?]

Well, she is gone now. I feel so sad right now. I missed her before she has\d even left. I don't understaND HOW WE COULD HAVE HAD THE SAME EXPERIENCES IN this relationship, yet she does not feel as badly as I do about this. I just want for this to work out and it's very hard to have patience right now. I am scared, lost, unmotivated and somewhat deceived. I am really borderline, non-functional right now. How am I going to make it through this semester like this? I'm so scared and I don't even know why. I feel like I can't even use my "welfare checks" any more -- thay've heard it from me a million times and I feel like such an idiot falling into these same moods over and over. She really must be in a different state of mind than I. Maybe, if I can just graduate I will begin to see life beyond this relationship but god damn it's hard right now. I'm not close to my own parents and all my friends are guys. Sometimes I just want a hug and for someone to tell me that I'll be alright. I'm starting to feel that if I don't get ahold of myself, I will have to end contact with her just to save myself. I don't want to do this -- if I could just stay cool and wait it out, this is my best option.

I don't believe she is being wishy-washy anymore. She is really becoming comfortable, I believe, with this whole situation and I'm freakin' dying here. I thought this weekend was great, but it has come at great cost to my emotional stability. I sure as hell better feel better tommorrow. I cannot keep doing this to myself -- I'm not Superman. I just want to cry but it doesn't help; it makes me feel pathetic and scared that if others knew how much I still thought about this, they would kick my ass. It's been Seven weeks that this has been going on and at least a month before that -- she started getting distant. I thought it was just pressure from the upcoming graduation (hers) and the stress of school and work, that's all. I don't know what to do. This is the woman that I want to make my wife. I haven't proposed, but I want to see that my future has some stabilty first. I want to propose, but this is not the time. Not only are we on the rocks, but I'm not where I wanna be, yet.

I was already planning on a way to see her next weekend (needy, right). She didn't commit, though, she just said, "remember, we lead different lives now." Damn, that stings! This after she repeatedly tells me, "I Love you," and cuddles with me all morning and night. We made great love, but I admit, it was on her terms. Maybe, I can see the writing on the wall and I swear I see YOUR A DAMN FOOL up there somewhere. Man, Love really does hurt and I, seriously, am a guy who believes in Love's triumph over all, but my doubts are about to make sushi out of my beliefs. I guess I'm just naive and maybe I'm scared to lose that. What kind of a scared person will I be if this conquers me. Will I ever treat any woman as well as I've treated her? Will I continue to be a good guy or will I hold it against any girl who looks at me cross-eyed. I'm scared right now and I shouldn't be. I can take care of myself, I'm self dependent, mostly; I used to have confidence and sometimes I still do, I have a bright future in front of me and planty of reasons to have hope that my life will be a satisfying one. I don't want to fear this anymore, I'm sick of hearing myself whine about something I would slap someone else over. Maybe, that's what I need, a great big ass slap that would rub some reality in my face. I don't want to go to jail to get it or fail college either, but I could use one. It's not the end of the world, I know, but it means everything to me and now it seems like such a mistake to let anything grip you that hard. How do I release grip on this. If someone knows, I will take the first step. I'm ready to start thinking about me again. If I could do this, then I could be happy with myself, even proud. I know that I would. Thanks guys, I'm out.

[Love_Again?]

oops, I poste that first paragraph twice. I'm gonna put on a sad record now, and then an up beat one. Maybe, the eagles(they're not that sad) and then AC/DC. Or something.

[Ray - depressed]

Ok, wow ur right, we're almost in the same situation... except, my girl isn't so blunt about it, which makes it even worst.. she makes me think too much.. anyways she's right man, dont go anywhere to study unless it's for urself.. u'll probably regret it in the future.. hm, ya, my girl takes me for granted too, that's why im trying to call her less... which, hasn't really worked yet, coz she's managed to keep her life occupied and not think about me either.. ur right, i feel under-appreciated too.. i mean gees, i spend time with her even during my midterms and finals, and she won't even see me if she has a bs high school test.. and damn, i've spent so much money on that girl, and she hasn't given much to me in return.. even when we were both deeply in love, the amount of love was never equal.. and hell, it'll never be equal.. never think of it as how much u put in is how much u get back, it'll just bug u in the end.. it's hard, i know in the bottom of her heart, she still has feelings for me.. i just don't know how to dig it up, so she realizes she still loves me ...

[Love_Again?]

I feel a little better now. It still sucks. Maybe she is right to want some freedom now. Isn't that natural? I guess. When will I want mine?