How important is the religion in a relationship?

[cupcake89]

Hello everyone
I've always thought that when two people are in love, nothing else should matter. Meaning age, skin color, money, religion etc..If your feelings are true, you'd love that person for who he/she really is.
But here I am, in a situation that puts all my beliefs to a test.
Everything started at the end of August 2012 - my best friend at the time wanted me to meet her boyfriend's brother because she thought we'd be perfect for each other. But her boyfriend was Muslim and so was his brother. I have nothing against the religion, I have friends that I love and that are Muslim. But I have never dated a Muslim guy before so it was a bit scary..I guess I was scared in a way that I'd fall for him and, since my family has this anger toward the religion, that would make things complicated.
I didn't say "yes" to my best friend so we forgot about this conversation.
And one day, we went to her boyfriend's house to chill and his brother was there. So I finally met him, but it was a coincidence because he was supposed to be working. And so we talked for a few hours and then I left, thinking that he didn't like me because he seemed reserved. In a week or so, I got a facebook request from him so I accepted. We started sending messages to each other and then, after another week passed by, we started talking on the phone..We had a few dates, everything seemed normal - the feeling I had that he didn't like me had been long gone and instead, I found myself feeling comfy with him. He was kind, funny, adorable, gentleman and I couldn't wait to see him again, and again, and again.
I've been with him for almost 5 months now and I am happy. We have arguments from time to time but it's for little things so it's normal I guess. He's 26, I'm 23. He was actually the first guy I made love to..I'm aware that it might sound really conservative but I've always thought that when I find the right person for me, I'll lose my virginity to him. I've had 3 boyfriends so far and all of them were trying to get in my pants. But he was the first one that actually gave me the time I needed without pressuring me about it. And I am really glad I waited.
The thing that bothers me is that he's been talking about marriage since I met him. It started as a joke that my best friend made about me and him. But his mom started calling me daughter-in-law. I already explained to him that I want to get married some day and have kids and build my own family. But not before I have a stable job - I want to be able to provide for my kids. And he said he understands that. But he keeps talking how in his religion, we have to be married to live together because otherwise it looks bad. And I told him that I don't want to marry before living with that person, getting to know his daily habits, his routine.
So my question is, am I right for wanting this? And we've talked about his religion also - I've even seen him pray and it looked beautiful, at least to me. Deep down inside I see my life with him, I see our future together and I like it. But so far, I've never thought about how religion would affect me; us...I know it sounds kind of ridiculous thinking about that only after 5 months of being with him but when you feel it's the right person, you don't think about what it looks like...I just want to be with him. But I'm not sure about changing my religion or how my family would react to a possible marriage in future. I really don't know what to do as it's the first time I'm in a situation like this. So I would really appreciate any posts from you guys

[smackie9]

You are in the honeymoon period of your relationship plus you are emotionally attached because he was your first. This is a deadly combination. You are in no position to make any clearly decisions....also you just never got the experience you need to know how to handle a situation as this.

First off just because you decided to give your virginity to him, doesn't mean he is the right one.

Next, "nothing else should matter in you are in love" WRONG!! This can't be anymore further from the truth. This is an adult relationship, it is totally different from being a teenager...it a whole set of different rules. You marry a man you marry into his family and religion.

He has strong beliefs, he isn't going to bend for your beliefs. You have no clue what you are getting yourself into. He is pushing for marriage and that means you will have to convert. He hasn't told you this but as his wife you will be forced to in order to be accepted by his family. Since your family is strongly against the religion, there will be no peace between your families. So what happens when you have children? Or when the holidays come around?..there is no way they are going to celebrate Christmas or Easter with your family, f uck no!

Unions like this kills family ties....and that is not what a marriage is supposed to do. It's to bring families together.

Sorry but there is no compatibility in this relationship...only feelings for each other.....hun you are fooling yourself if you think this is going to work. You need to accept this reality now....it's not going to work. Once the honeymoon period is over, you are going to see what a frightful mistake this has been.

[cupcake89]

Thank you for your answer.

Actually, we spent Christmas with his family. My mother was working, my brother was with his girlfriend so I went to my boyfriend`s place. The thing is, he is half European. His mother converted to Islam 3 years ago, she was married to his dad but they got divorced 2 years ago.
Anyway, as I said we have talked about a lot of stuff and yes I know I have to convert. I come from a Christian family but I`m more spiritual than anything else. I feel that religion is something private, a feeling, I don`t really know how to explain it. I don`t know Muslim religion very well, I probably know just a few things because I was studying Arabic as a major. It will be a big mistake if I convert without knowing anything about the religion, I understand that. Plus, like you said, families should unite and not separate.
But it really confuses me because I have strong feelings for him and he treats me well, better than anyone so far. I don`t want to be that girl that judges him based on his religion but at the same time, I don`t want to be the foolishly trusting one.
Sometimes, I feel like I want to just live for the moment and stop thinking about the future..


@vertigoslam
Thank you for your words. I know I am the one that has to make the decision and I really want to make the right one. We don't think about getting married now, it's just we started talking about it. I made him understand that I need to have a good job first and then have my own family.

[cupcake89]

Thank you both for the answers.
Actually, we spent Christmas with his family - my mother was working, my brother was with his girlfriend so I went to my boyfriend's place. He's half European so maybe that is the reason why he celebrates Christmas, Easter etc..His mom converted to Islam 3 years ago, and they divorced with his dad about 2 years ago.
I know I would have to convert to Islam eventually and we have talked about that. I explained to him that I might consider it after fully knowing the religion. I only know a few things and it would be stupid of me if I do that.
I have strong feelings for him and I really don't want to be the girl that judges him based on his beliefs but I also don't want to be the foolishly trusting one. I just want to be with him and not worry about the future for a while.
My mom met him and she actually likes him. Although she was really against me and him before but we talked and we agreed that it's me that needs to make my life's decisions.

As for the marriage, we only talked about it but I have made myself clear that I won't marry before I have a well paid job. But you are right, I am hesitant about the idea of marrying a Muslim guy some day, in the future. But I am not hesitant in my feelings for him.

[smackie9]

You give it another year....that's when the honeymoon period should be over...as of now you are infatuated and anything at this point looks promising....you need to give it more time so your feelings can settle down a bit. And don't move in together after only 6 months...that's just plain stupid.

[surfhb2]

If you plan on "converting" to a set if religious beliefs I'd think it be a good idea to know what those are? Converting to a religion just to get married without practicing or knowledge is completely empty and has no bearing on anything here.

What are your current religious beliefs? Do you hAve any? Do they conflict with Islam? If so, then why drop those just to have a ring on your finger? If you're not religious then converting doesn't make sense since you have no opinion on the divine to begin with.

Personally, I have faith in a higher being/ purpose, but if someone ask me to go through the motions of a conversion just because it would look bad for THEM is just insanity. Talk about giving away who you are as a person. Jeesh!!

Matter of fact I dated a Jewish girl for a year and the topic was brought up that I would need to convert if we were to marry. It was the worst position to be in. I had no choice but to end the relationship.....funny part was she never attended synagogue but it was to save face for the rest of the family....not to mention hurtful and unfair to me...just ridiculous !!!

On top of all this, you're only 23.....save the settling down stuff later in life. You will be a completely different person when in 5-6 years BELIEVE ME !! Figure out what life is about and where you stand in this world first.

[smackie9]

Ya that is why I say wait...wait until you grow out of this infatuation period, so you can really see what you are getting into as a person and not out of love.

[dickriculous]

Maybe it's just a Muslim thing and I don't understand the religion but if a brand new gf started talking to me about marriage right from the get go I wouldn't be debating whether or not I should marry her, I'd be debating whether or not I should get a restraining order on her.