I don't understand

[pyper]

It all started when we first met over a decade ago, and after having lost contact for ten years I finally found him again, or so I thought...




It was 1999 when we fell in love, but after two weeks he said he couldn't see me. He was in a bad mental state. There was also an issue with a person in my social group whom he couldn't be around blag blah I was upset but within days my best friend killed himself which distracted me, and during the grieving process I partnered up with my deceased best friend's best friend (does that make sense lol).

Over the next year we ran into each other often, he made it clear he was still attracted but I had to tell him I was engaged to which he replied "If I'd known you were ready to marry I would have married you". I was in an abusive relationship and didn't know how to speak up or get out, he was too much of a gentleman to ever push things further, though it was clear everytime I saw him he couldn't stay away.

We went our own ways and both moved from the local area. We had no mutual friends, no fixed phone numbers so we lost all contact and I never saw him again.

Over the years I've thought of him often. I always wonder what could have been, I've dreamt of him many times and cried a few tears over him too.

Fast forward ten years, I'm engaged to someone else. I still think of this other guy though. Enter facebook: I look him up, his page is public so I can see he is still single, he lives where we dreamed of living, he's still everything I loved and more. I add him as a facebook friend. Two days pass and no response, yet I can see he's been online. He actually changed his profile pic for the first time in a year, the new pic seemed more like one you'd use to impress someone iykwim. I got scared, i canceled the request. I realised my mistake and looked him up again - gone. Account deleted (I have not been blocked).

I know I should just get past this but I can't. I can't figure out why he deleted his account. I can't stop wondering. i can't move forward. Sorry for the essay. Any insight appreciated.

[pyper]

txting him on the number i just found woulde be too much, yes?

[bluesummer]

Yes, I think texting him would be a bit much after 10 years of non-contact. He'd be wondering how you got his number, for starters.

I don't know why you cancelled your friend request on Facebook. Seems like the best for of ice-breaker, I mean I've added a ton of people I haven't talked to in ten or fifteen years. I don't understand why you can't move past him, especially if you're engaged? Is your relationship lacking something, or maybe just pre-wedding jitters?

[pyper]

I'm not sure why I canceled the friend request either... it's such a strong attraction it scares me I guess, I feel out of control. Perhaps canceling was taking back the control?

I have this idealised dream in my head of what things could have been with him, and of course it's perfect, like if things had been different that's how life would be right now, how life could be now. How can I commit to life with someone else (our relationship isn't perfect) when i still have this idea that life would have been perfect with him.

Why did he delete his account, gahhh I just don't understand.

[flynhayn]

You're gonna hate me for this... but you're gonna have to pursue this guy. Your curiosities are a serious obstacle right now and it would be better to deal with it now rather than later on when you're married to your fiance and whatever else the future puts on you. Now don't go in expecting a certain result.... like bluesummer said, it's been 10 YEARS.... who knows what this guy thinks about you now. But no matter what you need to close this off whether its a good or bad result. If facebook is no longer an option but you've managed to get his number, then it's your only shot. If he is the mature gentleman you say he is, he'll be more flattered than wierded out about you hitting him up over the phone.

Screw it.... text him.

[steviej]

I agree, get those daydreaming 'what if's' out of your head. Text/ring him, meet up, see what happens. It's not fair on the pdrson you're with now that you have these feelings, so you need to do something about it.

[reeba]

Your former crush lives far away, and has shown no interest not even morbid curiousity of what you have been up to (otherwise he would have contacted you on FB).

Either you are getting cold feet and hoping for an excuse for an out of your pending marriage
OR
You are not with the right guy since you are still hoping for someone else.

You need to examine the above before you get married.

But either case, your former crush is not the right guy either. Stop fantasizing and get with reality. He is not interested.

[pyper]

Your former crush lives far away, and has shown no interest not even morbid curiousity of what you have been up to (otherwise he would have contacted you on FB).

Either you are getting cold feet and hoping for an excuse for an out of your pending marriage
OR
You are not with the right guy since you are still hoping for someone else.

You need to examine the above before you get married.

But either case, your former crush is not the right guy either. Stop fantasizing and get with reality. He is not interested.

He was my former love rather than crush. The FB thing confused me though, as he changed his picture for the first time in a year or so, which made me wonder if he was about to accept my request. Until now I had my settings so no one could search for me so obv he couldn't have found me. But then why did he delete the acct? *sigh* anyways thanks for your reply.

You're gonna hate me for this... but you're gonna have to pursue this guy. Your curiosities are a serious obstacle right now and it would be better to deal with it now rather than later on when you're married to your fiance and whatever else the future puts on you. Now don't go in expecting a certain result.... like bluesummer said, it's been 10 YEARS.... who knows what this guy thinks about you now. But no matter what you need to close this off whether its a good or bad result. If facebook is no longer an option but you've managed to get his number, then it's your only shot. If he is the mature gentleman you say he is, he'll be more flattered than wierded out about you hitting him up over the phone.

Screw it.... text him.

Thanks. I think you get where I'm at here. Texting is a bold move. I don't know if I have the balls, I'm bound to stew for days on this

I'm sure he'd be a gentleman about it eitherway. I've never come across more of a gentleman in my life. Also I think the biggest obstacle at the time was age, him 28, me 19. I know he was embarrassed of dating someone so young. We're now 30 and 39.

[pyper]

ok, he's back on fb... message sent...

[devonbrown]

There could be a million and one reasons why he deleted his account on FB. Wondering about it will do no good for you though because unless you talk to him, you will never know.

Good luck.