Relationship issues, communication wise... HELP!!!

[marioman1234]

Hey there everyone,

My girlfriend and I have been dating for about a year and a half now. I've noticed that in terms of conflicts within our relationship, it seems to happen on a monthly basis, and things usually get pretty heated.

The way the arguments usually happen are with her being frustrated (were both uni students, shes in nursing so of course shes stressed) about something completely different than me (school for example) I let her vent and try to talk with her but she ends up getting more frustrated, which she then moves on to being frustrated with me. After getting frustrated with me, she moves onto a large list of things that I do/ or dont do that bother her and tells me them one by one, which then I take personally as harsh crticism and try to defend myself, which then starts the arguments.

This is the way it always happens. I'm not here to defend myself and ask for you guys to tell me that I'm in the right. I see that I contribute to the situation by not taking into consideration that shes frustrated about something entirely other than me, what I dont like is that her frustrations always lead to her picking on me and get taken out on me, and I've mentioned that to her. Now the issue with communicatio, is that I dont talk with her, which is more so her perspective than mine. So lately what we've both been trying to do is really communicate with each other and use "I" statements, and such. For the most part, yes, it has worked, am I an expert at communication , no, so its a definite work in progress. She also states that I never say nice things to her... this is also a constant in our arguments. One thing I truly do not know how to do, or to put out verbally, is these nice things that I dont say to her. I'm a fairly quiet person, always have been, so yes I can own up to the fact that I dont say much in terms of "oh you look pretty today" or "good job on so and so" ( its more so the former than the latter), but the way I show how much I love and care about her is by doing. I actually do a lot for her.

We got into a huge fight yesterday, and the issue of me never saying anything nice was brought up again. Her usual reasoning for saying that, is the fact that when we do get into an argument, I end up saying that she is spiteful. In my view, she does get spiteful, she gets mean, and usually ends up saying things that are really not nice, and she seems so quick to resort to saying those things. I'm the type that stays calm for as long as humanly possible in those situations, but she usually ends up pushing buttons more and more as she gets riled up, which is why I end up saying she is spiteful. I try so hard not to say any thing verbally abusing, but I feel that as her aggression and anger in the situation rises (which yes, it keeps going up), I cant take more of what she says, and it results in some harsh things being said. No, its not to the point of saying that shes worthless or any sort of thing like that, its more so petty name calling (bitch gets thrown in there, and thats usually as far as I will go). I just feel that everytime we get into and argument, her anger gets the best of her and it sets me off, and things just go down from there.

So two parts to this; What am I doing wrong to add to the situation, and how can I/we go about constructively arguing? and,

for me personally, how can I get more confidence in saying encouraging and nice things to her?

The thing is, I dont not want to say things like that to her, but because I am that quite type, I just dont know how to go about doing it, for me, its not as simple as "just doing it". Can anyone help?

[SapphireBerry]

wow this sounds a little bit like me and my partner minus the communication problem and name calling and listing things.. Yeah she sounds like a bit of a stresshead like me. I really think with these things if I was to put myself in her situation I'd say that she wants a little bit of attention from you which means you may have to make some sacrifices and learn to compliment her more and tell her you love her, no girl needs to be constantly reassured all the time but for her to know that will also not give her the reason to say it's you in the wrong. At some point if this gets really bad you two may need to take a break from each other. She does sound very fired up but as you said you do alot for her so there shouldn't be much of a valid reason for her to go off at you the way she does, but you really need to just stand up a bit too and not be completely quiet and calm about it, you need to tell her how you're feeling and that this isn't going to work if she carries on picking out things about you and going mad at you.

If you are to squeeze your words in there about how much it frustrates you and you can't seem to handle it, hopefully she'll calm down like I did when my partner did it. Or tell her you don't wanna fight you'd rather cuddle you could always give that line a try, but anyway hope this helps.

[MaidenMinx]

When she is simply venting how do you respond? Do you try to offer solutions or do you empathise?

The reason I ask is one of the fundamental differences between how men and women think is women like to figure things out by talking them through and guys like to get in and fix things. If you are trying to offer solutions, she is feeling like the emotional impact of whatever is happening is trivialised. She needs you to just listen and sympathise, and support whatever conclusion she should come to, if she comes to one. Sometimes just talking it out IS the conclusion. The only time a man should offer a solution is when he is asked 'what should I do?' and even then he should be cautious.

[marioman1234]

Thanks for the responses so far.

To answer your question MaidenMinx, I do my best to let her talk it through, but sometimes its frustrating and I do want to give solutions. Sometimes, to me, her "problems" can be simply sorted out by "Not doing it" or "Doing it", its yes or no, its black and white, its hot or cold, but I feel as though she wants the stress and does everything she possibly can to have it in her life.

I think I am starting to get through the complementing situation, I do it more often now than when I first posted this, and it seems to have worked. Its still tough for me, but I know I can get through it.

We had another argument this morning though, it started with her waking up in a bad mood because she has to work today. We had planned last night to have breakfast this morning together, cause with our schedules its hard to do so, however, shes not an early riser when she doesnt need to. She woke up about an hour and a half before starting her shift today and was frustrated that I didnt wake up early and make breakfast, and to add to her frustration, she had to work soon. This is what she said when I asked her what was wrong.

Lately, shes been frustrated with her job. However, logically, she needs her job at the moment so we can pay bills. I work as well in a job I dont particularly like, and am actively seeking new and higher paying employment. Her problem with me lately seems to be that I dont support her when she says she wants to quit, however, when I do say that I will support her 100% in quitting, she gets angry and says that I'm always telling her that she has to keep her job so that we can be able to afford rent/bills/food so she doesnt want to quit. She gets mad and says that we wont be financially stable, so to me it feels like I cant win either way. I try to convey that we both need to be responsible so that we can pay bills and she gets mad cause she wants to quit her job. I say that she should quit because all this stress on her isnt worth the job, and she gets mad cause we wouldnt be financially stable till she finds a new job.

I am also finding that, not only is she lashing out at me about her job, but also to her family and friends. Is this normal behavior? and I am sincerely asking that, in no way am I trying to get answers that would put me in the right.

Our argument today escalated to the point of her saying things such as I would be better off without her, or that she should be alone cause then I wouldnt have to deal with any of this. It also got into her picking on financial situations that she has helped me out with in the past, which to me is low blow because those were situations that I felt terrible about. And it seems as though shes angry that, while were both in school, I should be able to support us both financially. Arguments this bad always seem to come down harshly on me, as if I'm the root of all the problems. I just dont know if any of this is fair for her to say, or if its fair to put these struggles on me. DOes it sound like I'm unsupportive in the situation? if so, what are things I can do to show some support?

Again any help would be great