A Good Sign, or a Red Flag?

[neen]

I just recently got out of a 2 year on and off relationship that I have moved on from, mentally and emotionally, months before the initial break-up. Recently, I have met an amazing guy, who is a genuine sweetheart. We both really like each other, and he has been making the moves first, he slipped out the words "I love you" a few times and we were just in our own, unrealistic, fantasy worlds, like little kids. We started dating a few days after talking, and we were both taking things really fast. We both stuck together when my psycho ex-boyfriend was trying to tear us apart and it added some pressure but we stuck through it. He said he is serious, so far, he sees potential because he doesn't want to casually date just anyone anymore and he has been through enough and wants this to work.. That being said, he now says we have been taking things too fast and he realizes he was doing it and wants to avoid making the same mistakes in the past and wants to take things realllllly slow so it can work out better for the long run, according to him.
He is a very private person and wants to know someone for a few months and date for at least a couple before being public about it, which I completely respect and agree with, 100%, but ever since my ex tried to cause something, a lot of people have found out .. A lot of people know.

I'm not delusional, and I know it's crazy to move this fast after only a couple weeks.... He is well aware and we were just in our own world, but he said he wants to keep it private for a while and is okay with putting sexual intimacy off, because its smarter for the both of us. Especially since he is moving 2 hours away for his career , and we have never done long distance before. He said he wants to take it slow because he doesn't want to ruin anything and be pressured and have it turn out like our past relationships.. He says he still wants to be with me and this "shouldn't affect anything with regards to how I feel about you, I still want you in my life, I don't want to leave or anything like that. I just think this is safer for us, since we both have the same intentions and feel the same way about one another."

I just wonder if there is anything I should look out for, or if this is a good thing?
I need to learn to be a more private person, as well... Any suggestions?

[Ginger2013]

Just from reading your post I'll answer your post heading: red flag
It's okay to realize you've moved too fast, I guess people get caught up in the euphoria of meeting someone they really like and connect with. I don't think sex should stop or be put off...but keeping it private too? Why hide? When I met my bf, I was proud of it. Just my opinion though, it's hard to give suggestions since I'm not living your life, but from what you've written...I don't know why he would want to hide you unless there is someone else already in the picture.

[neen]

Like he doesn't want to tell "everyone" about it right away in case it doesn't work out, this is his view of it, he said if anyone asks, he is in a relationship, only his close friends will know more, but at least until the first month/we get to know each other more. Sex, I personally want to put off, because I believe it is way too early, and he agrees..

[neen]

Plus, I was worrying about that in the beginning, but I honestly see no signs of it, he stays up literally all night on the phone with me, always face times me, even texts while we're working (we currently work together)... I don't see how he can possibly have time loool

[Ginger2013]

I didn't want to meet all my bf's family and friends immediately either...but after a month or so it was okay. I guess I misread your original post, when your wrote he doesn't want to be public about it, it sounded like he wanted to hide you and your relationship with him. Glad that's not the case.

[neen]

Does that make it alright, though? Or is it still risky?

[Ginger2013]

Someone else will have to reply on that one...I'm in my first relationship at 45 years old (long story). So I'm a complete newbie when it comes to relationships. But the phrase "I think it's safer for the both of us" bothers me. He's made the decision for the both of you it seems, no matter your opinion?

[neen]

Oh, I see. That's understandable! He said that because I told him, that my intentions were exactly like his, so he was basically suggesting this option and after, he told me to tell him what I want and to see if we both agree.. For example, postponing sex, he agreed, don't hide emotions, he agreed, ..etc. I don't know, though.. Maybe I'm just scared of losing him, already, even though he assured me that he won't unless there was a legitimate reason, but .. I don't know, he seems to be honest, .... So confused.

[neen]

We are in our early 20's btw.. I don't know if that makes a difference or not, but he just graduated from university, and I'm still not done..

[Insomniash]

It seems to me that he may have been getting caught up in the whirlwind of having a new relationship and the excitement that comes with that, but now that things have settled a bit he is leveling out and wants to backpedal. I don't particularly understand the request for secrecy, as there is no harm in saying you are dating someone. I have a strange feeling he is aiming to hide it a bit because he is a serial monogamist. He probably has a habit of starting and ending relationships fairly frequently and has probably been either teased about it or received some sort of negative feedback. I could be off base not knowing his personal history, but that is something to consider. To say you love someone within two weeks of knowing them is a bit intense, and I have had men do that to me before. It is not possible to truly love someone that early on. Yes you can be intensely attracted to someone, but real love takes time to develop. Every time a man has done that to me the relationship has not lasted very long at all. The reality is that you two barely know each other and he is moving away. That isn't to say you should end it, but just because he is tired of casual relationships does not mean you two shouldn't put in the necessary time and let the relationship progress organically. Don't force it, if you two are meant to be together in the long term time will reveal that.

[michelle23]

red flag. taking things slow is fine but keeping you a secret isn't. I wouldn't put up with that. i would wonder who is he hiding me from? Also I have no time for people who have a fear of going too fast, a fear of commitment, a fear of it not working out etc

if it feels right-go for it. Life is too short to hold back and I wouldn't be willing to wait around for him to deal with his anxieties. You are either compatible or your not, it will either work or it wont.. And whether you go slow or fast doesn't change that.

Obviously I wouldn't move in with someone too soon or marry him or have kids etc but I wouldn't hold back from wanting to spend a lot of time with him if I was really into him and if he didn't want that-id say good bye. Lifes too short to wait around for anyone to get their shit together

[neen]

red flag. taking things slow is fine but keeping you a secret isn't. I wouldn't put up with that. i would wonder who is he hiding me from? Also I have no time for people who have a fear of going too fast, a fear of commitment, a fear of it not working out etc

if it feels right-go for it. Life is too short to hold back and I wouldn't be willing to wait around for him to deal with his anxieties. You are either compatible or your not, it will either work or it wont.. And whether you go slow or fast doesn't change that.

Obviously I wouldn't move in with someone too soon or marry him or have kids etc but I wouldn't hold back from wanting to spend a lot of time with him if I was really into him and if he didn't want that-id say good bye. Lifes too short to wait around for anyone to get their shit together

Not necessarily a secret.. He means private, because our entire workplace knows because of my ex and the guys are giving him talks and stuff, and he said its too soon to out that kind of pressure on it. He said we should hangout in public, so we aren't tempted by our sexual desires, and get to know more about each other, before we're so open about it. He doesn't date often, so he likes to get to know someone and see if they are compatible enough to be public about it.

[michelle23]

well hes moving isnt he? Even if he is prince charming-you do realize that the odds are against you with long distance

[Ginger2013]

We are in our early 20's btw.. I don't know if that makes a difference or not, but he just graduated from university, and I'm still not done..

Well, as for age, my only comment is that younger people don't have the life experience to appreciate what they have and deal with things maturely...that being said, a lot of older people are emotionally immature as well! Not saying you guys are immature in a derogatory way, but just in the literal way, as in "not fully developed", you know what I mean?

Maybe you are afraid of losing him. I know I'm afraid of losing my bf, but I'm certainly on the verge of breaking things off because I'm not going to wait for him to come around much longer. I think that we have to give and take, but if it makes you confused and upset, lonely or sad IN the relationship, it's definitely a red flag. Plus, like Michelle said, he's moving away and the long distance thing isn't going to make things easier. I have a friend who tried 2 long distance relationships, he was riddled with confusion, doubt, fear...there has to be a high level of trust and security for it to work - in my opinion of course!

Going from love/lust/always together, then demoted to long distance dating and secrecy...I don't know Neen. What does your gut say?

[neen]

Well, as for age, my only comment is that younger people don't have the life experience to appreciate what they have and deal with things maturely...that being said, a lot of older people are emotionally immature as well! Not saying you guys are immature in a derogatory way, but just in the literal way, as in "not fully developed", you know what I mean?

Maybe you are afraid of losing him. I know I'm afraid of losing my bf, but I'm certainly on the verge of breaking things off because I'm not going to wait for him to come around much longer. I think that we have to give and take, but if it makes you confused and upset, lonely or sad IN the relationship, it's definitely a red flag. Plus, like Michelle said, he's moving away and the long distance thing isn't going to make things easier. I have a friend who tried 2 long distance relationships, he was riddled with confusion, doubt, fear...there has to be a high level of trust and security for it to work - in my opinion of course!

Going from love/lust/always together, then demoted to long distance dating and secrecy...I don't know Neen. What does your gut say?

That's why he wants to take it slow, we are both worried about what'll happen when he leaves so we are thinking of taking things slow and going month by month. We jumped into it too quick and we want it to work out for the long run.. We both have bad experiences with our exes because we jumped into things too quickly. He is a monogamous person, he doesn't want the pressures and stress at this point because he doesn't know how busy he will be when he leaves. He said we should test it out for a month, then if all goes well.. We can proceed. I told him I can't come down, then, but he said he respects that and he will visit me. He will just be busy with his career and trying to pay off his debts and I'll be busy, as well since I'm a med student. I know he means no harm.. I'm just worried though.

It's even worse and I feel like this is scaring him, and I probably should've added that my ex is trying to get me back and even though he isn't legally able to contact me anymore, his friends and family are trying to, and it's pushing this guy away. It's not my fault, though... I ignore it and I will never ... No. Lol. I'm thinking that's probably why he is wanting to take it slow as well... I'm worried because I don't want to lose him. He is an amazing guy.