I feel like such a convenience to him :(

[sweet42]

Hi! I have been in an exclusive relationship with a man 12 years older than I. He is very high up in law enforcement. We get along great when we are together. I am 46. He is the one who told me he was in love with me first, etc. I was just trying to play it cool when we first started going out. To give you some other background, he does not like me on social media, no picture changes, etc. so I deactivated my account to make him free more secure. We got in several arguments over a profile pic change or a comment someone made on my pic. The last argument we had, he didn't talk to me for several days and said that I knew how he felt about FB. He said he had a real concern as to why I have the need to get attention from others. I simply changed my pic to stay current and look nice. I do have standards for myself. It was so much drama, so I deactivate. I have taken all my photos off all social media. I wanted him to be completely comfortable. He said he appreciated it, but I should do it for myself. The issue that I am having is that sometimes he will go very distant if he is stressed about something else in his life and then I end up wondering why he has not emailed/called for a few days. He has a daughter that is 23 and he does alot for her. She has been going through some male troubles lately and he has cancelled the last 2 dates because he said he needed to be there for her. I totally understand that completely! but I feel he could communicate a little more. It has been a week 1/2 and I feel like I have initiated every message. I don't overdo it. I have only sent maybe one a day if that. The last time I heard from him was on Friday morning and then nothing again over the weekend. Today, I sent a message that said "Happy Labor Day and hope all is alright". He responded pretty quickly and said Happy Labor Day back and that his daughter was sick yesterday (it was her birthday) and she didn't get to do anything. I then asked if I was going to see him at all this week and I didn't get a response, so I sent another email stating the following "You haven't really communicated with me much the last 1 1/2 or so weeks. I understand that you have been busy and all the things going on with <daughter>, but honestly I am starting to feel like I am just a convenience to you. This is why I asked you the other day if you really wanted this relationship. Your behavior confuses me and this happens every so often. You said that our relationship is very special and important to you and that you want to be exclusive, etc. If this is not the case, please tell me."
I don't know what came over me, but I guess I was pretty frustrated. I have been wanting to sit down with him and talk this over, but I felt like I was not going to see him again and physically/mentally for some reason its taking a toll on me. I feel like he wants the relationship when it suits him and he is used to me being so understanding and patient. This happened a couple times before where he was acting distant and I would message him and nothing. Making a fool of myself. Then he ends up calling me a few days later and we have discussed. He said that he shuts everyone off when he gets in these kinds of moods. The problem is, I don't know when he is in these kinds of moods and just needs space as he never says anything. When he doesn't respond, it hurts me as we are suppossed to be in an exclusive sharing relationship. I asked him last week if he really wanted to be in this relationship and he said "Our relationship is very special and important to me". Its hard for me to believe that when he goes a few days without even saying "HI". Am I overreacting? I sent a few emails today and I know I shouldn't have, but it got the best of me. I was feeling like an ass and sitting around waiting for him, not on social media, etc. I have had this discussion with him before several times asking for him to not let communication go as it makes me wonder if something else is going on or that he is hurt, etc. Everytime it seems I am the one messaging him and asking if he is ok, etc. Maybe because of what he does for a living he is used to others being under him and he is in control at all times. He told me from the start I was the entire package for him and that he was in love with me and he didn't tell the other woman he went out with those things. I am so confused right now I have no idea what to do. I have fallen in love with him and he knows it. I am not second guessing my decision to send him those emails today. I just wanted him to know that I was not happy with the lack of communication once again and that it bothered me. I simply want him to tell me if he does not want an exclusive relationship with me. I can't seem to break it off with him. Why doesn't he just tell me to get lost if he doesn't want me in his life? The reason why I said I feel like a convenience to him is because when he has free time he can spare, he will set up a date with me, but I am always available for him. I have never turned him down, etc. I don't know if he is just trying to pacify me and keep me in the background and that is why he said our relationship was special and important and that he loved me. He doesn't say he loves me often, but the last two arguments we had at the end of the conversation he has told me. I almost feel like he likes to get me all worked up and upset inside. He knows this type of behavior from him drives me crazy and makes me start thinking all kinds of things. Why would someone do that to someone? I have been nothing but good to him and very passive. My final message this evening I just said that it seemed like he really didn't care about my feelings to ease my concerns or fears that I may have and that I will leave him alone. I guess I am frustrated. If he has something to discuss, he will call me right up and discuss it. I need advise on how to handle this. I have done nothing wrong, I just want a little more attention from him. I don't think its unreasonable to expect a call every other day or few days or a message here or there, especially when you told someone you love them and how special your relationship is. I certainly don't expect this strange behavior from a man 12 years my senior. I thought they would be more mature. I am sorry I am rambling on. I got scared today as this affected how I felt physically.

[basilandthyme]

Sweet42, the reason that you're feeling so frustrated and out of control is because you've handed over all your power to him. You've left the whole 'stay or go' decision to him! Hon, that's just crazy. You're wanting to know why he won't dump you and move on if he's not interested - truth is, this relationship is exactly how he wants it - so why would he leave? He's got a girl who sits around and waits, who's always available, who's passive, and you continue with him even after he's ignored you for days.

Stop wondering what's going on with him and start figuring out what is acceptable to you. You know now that he sees you when it's convenient. You know that he will disappear with barely a word when he's stressed. Or needs space. You know that he'll blow you off to babysit his adult daughter. This isn't stuff which you can change or fix - this is HIM and how he behaves.

Now, I'm sure that he has a lot of wonderful traits, but YOU need to figure out if the bad points he has are what you can tolerate in a relationship. Now, I don't think your expectations are unreasonable but he's not going to meet them.

In short, you need to stop nagging him about that fact that he's not meeting your needs. Recognise that he's shown you who he is - it's now up to you as to whether or not you accept it without complaint or leave.

Lastly, don't confuse exclusivity with a having serious/committed relationship. It's entirely possible to be exclusive to someone who you choose to see only casually.

[basilandthyme]

Also, is he still being a control freak? http://www.loveforum.net/threads/81930-Why-would-my-older-boyfriend-(12-yrs-older)-want-to-know-every-man-that-contacts-me?highlight=

How's this aspect of your relationship looking? Is it fixed....or is it another thing to add to your list of reasons to leave.

[Wakeup]

Get professional help for your codependency and fear of being alone. You have a problem. He's got it made.

[sweet42]

Thank you for your responses. I think the reason why I have put up with all of this from him is because I finally met someone who is established and has goals in life, etc. I don't know if that makes sense, but I think maybe I really respect what he does for a living. I know that does not have anything to do with my relationship, but it may be one of the reasons why I put up with this. I did write a post a while ago talking about how he was kind of controlling in a way where he didn't want me to post pics on FB, tell him about every man that messages me, no status updates on social media, etc. I deactivated my FB acct so we didn't have any further issues ;( He knows however that some men still try and ask me out. I never hit it from him, as he wanted to know. I always told him it makes me feel bad telling him if someone hits on me because I feel like I am bragging or did something wrong. You have no idea how helpful it is to read others comments on this situation. I know this sounds funny, but I really like myself. I am confident, smart, funny, caring, loving, but I do notice I have a little bit of an issue when I am with someone I really like. I end up being too kind as I want to make the man happy. This man tells me that I make him very happy. For some reason, I just can't deal with the prolonged silent spells. It always makes me feel like I did something wrong. I don't know why he can't understand that even after I tell him. Like I said before, this is not the first time I ever told him about how it makes me very uncomfortable when he is hot and cold. He either loves me or not in my opinion. It takes a minute to just send a message here and there and say "Hi! just letting you know you were on my mind" or something like that. I would be satisfied with that. Its like we are really close for weeks and then there is a pocket of this silence and distance and then it throws us all off. I guess after almost a year of dating exclusively, I expect a little more communication especially when he knows how this is important to me. I made my stand yesterday. I didn't want to do it through email, but he really has given me no choice because I have no idea when I will see him again. I just couldn't take it no more and had to voice my feelings. After sending it, I almost apoligized for doing it. I know that is ridiculous. These are my true feelings. I don't like to be seen as someone who is putting stress on someone etc. I like to make things nice. I voiced my feelings in several emails yesterday and as I expected I didn't receive any messages in response. The last message I sent was "It just doesn't seem like you care about my feelings at all to help alleviate any fears or concerns i may have. I thought i could discuss anything with you. I will leave you alone.".
I would like to know if this was ok for me to say this last statement and leave it at that.

[HeartIsAching]

LOL... OMG. Seriously?

You're nothing but a periodic booty-call. You're not "in a relationship', you're getting ****ed once in a while. Bnt and Wakeup are right... He's got exactly what he wants. What're you getting that YOU want?

[sweet42]

HeartIsAching, you will laugh, but I don't even get ****ed. That is another story which I find a little strange, but it might have to do with age. I have no idea. Yes, I take care of him if you know what I mean and yes he enjoys it very much. I fell in love with him so me being satisfied was not as important. I must be an absolute fool!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[HeartIsAching]

Sorry sweetie... not laughing.

Been there, done that.

Yeah love, time to move the **** on.

[fearoflove]

At this point, he think he can do whatever he wants with you. You are killing attraction by being so needy. Don't initiate contact anymore. Respond only if he contacts you. Get busy with your own life without him. Get a hobby perhaps?

[sweet42]

Yes, "fearoflove", I think your right. I don't complain about this all the time and I have been more than patient and understanding when he is busy. I never say anything. I just tell him I understand because I did not want to appear needy, however I feel that if he wants me exclusively, he should put a little more effort in and that is why I ended up saying something. I never told him before that I felt like a "convenience". That was the first time I said something like that and I know probably that I pissed him off by making such a statement.

[sweet42]

I don't plan on messaging him, calling him, etc. I will let him come to me (if he does). I told him how I feel. I feel if he truly loves me or cares about me, he will contact me and straighten this out (even if I did piss him off).

[fearoflove]

Yes, "fearoflove", I think your right. I don't complain about this all the time and I have been more than patient and understanding when he is busy. I never say anything. I just tell him I understand because I did not want to appear needy, however I feel that if he wants me exclusively, he should put a little more effort in and that is why I ended up saying something. I never told him before that I felt like a "convenience". That was the first time I said something like that and I know probably that I pissed him off by making such a statement.

Ok, good. Don't press him on it. By saying those things, he know he has you attached emotionally; that you need him. It kills attraction. If he distances himself like that, you respond by distancing the same amount or even a little bit more.

[sweet42]

I don't want to press him on it. I wanted him to know how I was feeling. He wants me attached emotionally to him. He told me that before. I hate playing these stupid games back and forth. I finally got in my head that I said my peace and now let him come to me. He has always told me that if he was not interested in me that he would tell me and end things. This was one of my biggest fears when I first agreed to be exclusive with him. He promised me and I trusted him because I really think he is a man who has integrity. This is why I don't understand if he is fed up with me saying I want more communication, then why doesn't he just say he doesn't want to see me anymore and its too much on him? I gave him the easy out by telling him many times to just tell me. I am not a crazy woman or anything like that. I would accept it. I don't want to end it with him, I want to know if it is possible to even work on this. If not, I will move on, but he doesn't answer me. We had many discussions about voicing what your thinking/feeling or if you have any concerns, etc. so that is what I am doing. He has done this to me in the past and I have made the necessary changes so that he feels secure. I am trying to throw myself into work and not think about it, its hard when you care about someone and you bared your soul to them already.

[sweet42]

maybe I have mixed up being exclusive and in a serious relationship. It because serious to me when he told me he was in love with me.

[basilandthyme]

Sweet42, I'm reading that you want to keep discussing these issues with him. Hon, by the sounds of things, he ALREADY KNOWS how you feel. Telling him again isn't going to change things. If he was going to work on this, you would have seen changes already.

For what it's worth, I once cared for a guy who'd go AWOL at times. Physically or emotionally AWOL. Even after we split, he later married and did the same behaviour with his new wife. I found out that he also did the same thing with his ex before m. I think you need to accept that going AWOL is in some people's nature and nothing will change them.

What is your guy's relationship background? Any failed marriages? Do you know why they failed?