I am puzzled wtih her.

[jarHead]

We've been together for 3,5 years. She says she loves me, and enjoys time together and is also willing to join me on my outdoor/underwater adventures. I am one of those do-it-all-alone guys. I believe she is sincere when she says she loves me, however her words are not backed up by actions.

- she doesn't seem care for me - I might get sick once in a year but she does not seem to notice. Once I had a fever but she kept making plans how I was going to drive her to the airport.
- she doesn't seem do anything for me - I get her chocolate things , help her with boring stuff like cleaning or dishing (I do the cooking), I get her favorite books, or walk the dog out for her, etc. The only thing she seems to do is occasionally get me a chocolate egg which I've never left the impression to enjoy.
- she seems to be ... ungrateful - I help her with everything, she just has to ask. She has a hobby which drains her savings and often puts her in a fight with her relatives and friends - an extreme desire to help homeless animals. In fact I am the only one that doesn't judge her and even helps her. But no matter what I do she seems to be comfortable with only one "thank you" and than forgets about it.
- she doesn't do her "home stuff" responsibly - cleans once in a month, 9/10 of the place is a mess, 1/10 is my desk. Her two suitcases are in the center of our living room for 10 moths.
- sex - almost nonexistent ... she gained pounds and I am less and less attracted to her. She also stopped dressing sexy ... even if she is not in great shape she can try to look her best, doesn't she ?

Don't get me wrong, she has her good sides, otherwise I wouldn't be with her. I do care for her but that situation is pissing me off and can't continue much longer. We've talked about it (a couple of times) - she promises to do better and I can see she is sincere ... however at the end there's no result.

Any ideas why she acts like this ?

[Sixpacj]

Cause:

1. she does not love you, for starters.

2. she does not respect you.

3. she is tolerating you, having you be her worker drone, till she has found an upgrade.

What to do? Next her sorry ass and get a life ;-) and only then get another GF, maybe.. ;-)

Seriously, the very first thing you have to do is get out of this situation, as far as possible.

[I am not female, mind you, so maybe you should get some female opinions, after all, since you posted under ask a female]

[MerryH]

There's no reason to assume that she's using you or doesn't love or respect you. That's kind of a ridiculous conclusion to come to.

Has she always been like this? Maybe she's depressed or has other issues. If this isn't a new thing for her, then you can't expect her to change. If you're tired of it and can't deal with it anymore, then it's probably best if you end it.

But I think you're being unreasonable about some of the things you listed. First, you shouldn't be doing anyone favors if you expect something in return. That's not what favors are for. And some of the favors you mentioned sound like general things that need to be done around the house. I'm assuming you live together, so those things are your responsibility, too, unless she's a housewife and doesn't have a job and doesn't contribute financially at all.

Then you get a little hypocritical and basically say, "She seems ungrateful. The only thing she does is get me chocolate and I don't even like it." and then, "I hardly find her attractive anymore, but she won't have sex with me and doesn't even try."

Obviously there are some problems in your relationship, but I don't think you should be so quick to blame them all on her. Surely you can take some blame for it, yeah?

[jarHead]

I've never said I blame it all to her That's why I posted my question here - I am trying to understand what's going on.
I don't make favors expecting an immediate return. However I do expect some of them to be remembered and appreciated.
She has the nasty habit to treat every situation on it's own - if I want something she doesn't understand or think it's irrelevant we will argue over it, it doesn't matter that I am doing similar things for her all the time.
I have the impression she is somewhat jealous of me. She needs to measure up and argue with ме almost about everything. It's like she needs to prove she can be better than me and is never wrong.
For quite some time I just let her win. I decided she needed to see that I respect her opinion.

She's always been like that ... except for our first year ... and I guess I am getting fed up.
Nobody's perfect, that's way I try to do my best. That's what makes me so mad at times - I can't see her putting similar amount of effort for me.

[Wakeup]

Frankly: I don't see why you even love this woman that you don't seem to like much anymore. Have you discussed your feeling unloved with her at all or have you just been a martyr and kept giving and hoping that she'd do the same back to you. You spoil a woman and reward her for bad behaviour and now she comes to take your generosity and nice-guy actions totally for granted. Why would you keep giving and giving and giving and complaining that you're giving when you've gotten nothing back. Can you explain the reasoning behind that?

Talk to her and if she's still the shrew you paint her to be after you've spilled your guts to her then face the piper and realize that it's not going to get any better than it is right now with this horrible woman and get away from the situtation so that you can heal from the relationship failure and find someone who appreciates you. BTW: It's not your job to do all the cleaning and if she doesn't do any of it then don't start doing it all now or that will just be another thing for you to resent about your life with this lazy ass, ungrateful twit. Again: Why do you stay? What loving actions does she show you that makes you cling to her abuse of your generosity?

[jarHead]

Frankly ...

Ha-ha I guess I sound very wussy to inspire this kind of comments.
I can't describe a whole relationship in a couple of sentences, that's why I stressed on the things that piss me off.
I am no nice guy. However I do nice things for the people I care about. I do enough, maybe even more than that, but when needed I do get mean. See I always get what I want, but with her I don't want it at any cost. She has some past issues and that's simply my way to let her know I have no wish to use her. Obvously, my methods are not producing the expected results.

Why not just dump her? Well it's probably becuse when you spend enough time with somebody you tend to bond with them. Another thing is that we actually have alot of fun wherever we go. It's the everyday life that sucks.

As you can see I am posting my problem on an internet forum - I am obviously out ot of ideas.
If things don't change for good - leaving her will be inevitable, however I am still willing to try my best to fix this.