nasty parents

[ecojeanne]

Hi folks

I had a massive row with my parents recently for lots of reasons but I guess it all comes down to the fact that they hate my partner and soon to be husband (tomorrow) and the fact that I’m about to pop a sprog in a week. We’re excited about the baby, but my mother in particular has instigated a lot of hurt throughout this whole relationship and pregnancy. I’m so heavy and tired now and I’m bursting into tears every so often over the whole thing.

We made (what I thought was friends) but it turns out was fake friends on their part. They continue to insult me and my partner. He’s muslim and from Egypt and I guess it started out as concern from them and has developed into hateful behavior from them. I just don’t get it though how they can be so horrible after such a long time and they even make up lies denying that they said or did anything wrong without even questioning why the issue would be brought up in the first place. And they start telling these lies to all my extended family (but luckily a lot of them know what my father in particular is like) All the stuff is pretty minor but It adds up in the end and straw broke the camels back when I found during a casual conversation mom screaming down the phone at me over a difference of opinion about food! This was of course after a pretty tough weekend of listening to her say how much she hated her future grandchilds name and made fun of my partners family name (of which I was heartbroken and actually shocked into saying absolutely nothing to her about).

I had this longterm dream that we would all live close to each other and my kids would grow up with my parents and they would learn how to grow plants and food together with lots of fresh air and a less materialistic life and when my parents get old we would look after them. I now know (even though we’re technically ‘friends’ because I didn’t want any agro before and at the birth) that I need to make better plans. My partner is highly qualified and we are now applying to jobs outside of the county and our longterm plan is to move out of the country.

I’m heartbroken but honestly my parents are just nasty people and there is nothing I can do to change that. I suppose I just need a friend to share this with. My only consolation is that my inlaws are fantastic and so delighted with everything but obviously there is no way I’m moving to Egypt and my partner has at times expressed a desire to based on my parents behavior toward him, I don’t blame him but I’m not giving up my rights and he knows this. He’s well educated and understands why moving to Egypt as a foreigner would be a disaster for me. So we’re making plans to move to another European country instead.

[haxan]

Sorry, but not too many parents would be happy with their daughter having a shotgun wedding with a muslim. Are parents obligated to support every decision, poor, good or otherwise by their children? I don't think so.

[ecojeanne]

i'm 35 going on 36 yrs old and we were with each other for at least a year and half before we got engaged and i then got preggers. i'd hardly call that shot gun

[haxan]

It is what it is, it's not my definition. Either way, I'm sure your parents are disappointed, and don't they have that right to be? Or is it just unconditional acceptance and support regardless of the choices your children make? You have your life, you made your decisions, stop crying about mommy and daddy accepting them and move forward.

[ecojeanne]

you must never have had a good relationship with your parents to care about. i did and that's why it upsets me. of course they don;t have to approve of my choices but they also don't have to be nasty about everything. ha anyway you're a flippin idiot, why i'm even responding to this is just rediculous considering some of your replies i've read on here

[AdminOnline]

Look like you couple need your own apartment..

but i am not sure if the new born baby can change your parent's attitude.. but most likely will.

you know grandparent love little baby..



short term solution:
hang some baby photo on wall of your room and somewhere your parent can see it.
this might change their way of thinking toward you & husband, i hope.

[ecojeanne]

i agree with you loveadmin to an extent, i don't really want to deny them a relationship with their grandchild and i guess part of me is not only sad but is also angry at the way they have tried to punish me for doing something they didn't like, which makes me want to punish them by just saying goodbye. my parents themselves have always been very volitile and they drink too much which doesn't help. but when they were sober we generally had some fantastic moments in life, i have to say i miss that, there is no real relationship left to hang on to, except maybe holding out for them to change their attitude when the baby comes. i'll find out soon enough for myself.

[vashti]

I'm sorry about your parents, eco - I remember them being difficult for you on more than this one occasion. Very exciting news about the baby and wedding, though. I hope you will post a photo or two.

Your parents will most likely calm down after the baby is born. Good luck.

[warriormaiden]

Yes, parents have the right to disagree with their childrens choices, but at the end of the day, they should accept them for who they are, and stand by their side. Its called, unconditional love.

Apparently, your parents are lacking that. And its a shame that they're trying to the rest of your family against you!
Like another poster has mentioned, perhaps they will act like adults when the baby is born. And really realize the importance of family.

If that doesn't work, do you think they would be ok with going to Family therapy?

[Wakeup]

I think your parents are not being co-operative is because they fear for your well being. Mind you, they aren't showing you in the right way that they are concerned for your well being and that of your unborn child but their non-cooperation is understandable to me. I'd not want my non-muslim daughter to marry a muslim man within a religion that treats it's women as second class citizens. Now, if your husband to be and importantly neither are his parents the type that think that women are not equal, then they (your parents) are simply projecting their prejudice.

Perhaps they just need time to see that you are being treated with respect and love by this man. A year and a half is not that long in the scheme of a lifetime so give them sometime to figure out if your guy is simply in the honeymoon stage still and is acting accordingly. Whatever you do, keep your stance about not moving to his homeland.

Good luck with everything.

[ecojeanne]

i don;t know why or how but this is a pretty close explanation of my entire family, including my brothers, i'm actually in shock: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_parents

i've spent years wondering wtf was wrong with all of us, i was considered the 'good one' until i did something they didn;t like (meeting my partner). my older brother was the bad one (and did infact grow up to be a complete arsehole)

[IndiReloaded]

Jeanne - I agree with Vash and Wakeup, so won't repeat their excellent posts.

Regardless of their personal feelings, you are about to have a baby and are getting married. They should be supporting you or at least keeping quiet about it. What do they expect? For you to give away your child or raise it as a single mom?

The only exception I can think of is if they have reason to think your future husband is somehow abusive. Is he? If so, they should do everything in their power to convince you not to get married and [gasp] support you and your child. Don't end up like "Not Without My Daughter".

But unless that is the case then your parents are just being jerks.

Congratulations on your wedding and new family. All the best.

- Indi

[IndiReloaded]

Sorry, but not too many parents would be happy with their daughter having a shotgun wedding with a muslim. Are parents obligated to support every decision, poor, good or otherwise by their children? I don't think so.

Haxan. She's an adult, able to make her own decisions. Disagreeing with an adult child's choice is very different than being a jerk about it.

[haxan]

When your parents raised you, they had different expectations than how things turned out (marrying a muslim foreigner and knocked up prior to the wedding). I'm not saying that because I think I'm morally superior, I'm telling you how your parents look at it. You can 'think' it's other things, but that is the entire issue, and the other little fights occur because of that.

You're not a parent. Love for an adult child is not unconditional. I see parents disown their children on many occasions, and rightfully so. Not saying they should disown you, they'll probably come around after the kid somewhat. But you've let them down, right or wrong. You have to mold the relationship around that now or let it go.

[IndiReloaded]

Sorry, but why is the muslim foreigner part even relevant? Not that I agree personally, but lots of couples get pregnant before marriage these days.

Eco - is this guy a muslim fundamentalist? Like he won't shake your mom's hand, makes you wear a burqua and is into mixing nitro in your basement? Are you having a muslim wedding and is he free to beat you? If so, I can see how this might irk an Irish catholic (or protestant) family, sorry I forgot which you are. But if not, they need to get into the 21st century. My neighbours are a mixed muslim-caucasian couple. It works. Your parents will just have to get over it.