so after about a week of convincing myself that i was over this asshole and didn't need him in my life... i got drunk and called him last night. to my surprise, he picked up. so i hung up. this conversation followed via text message:
him: are u alright?
me: no
him: what's the matter
me: sorry i called you.
him: don't apologize. i'm glad u called. are u okay?
me: depends on your definition of okay... why are you glad i called?
him: bc i've just had u on my mind alot lately... and its good to know im not alone
me: i think about you every day. i dream about you every night. i try to convince myself that you're a dick and i don't need you. but i'm never really convinced.
me: i've had a lot to drink tonight, so i'm probably revealing more than i want to. but to kiss you right now would make the world disappear...
him: what color?
(this is a flirting thing he does, asking me the color of my underwear)
me: bathing suit. black with pink polka dots. why are you teasing me?
him: sorry. my mistake.
me: what do you want from me?
him: forgiveness
me: so that's the only reason you've been thinking about me? bc you want me to forgive you?
the end
what does that mean? part of me feels like the only reason he's been thinking about me is bc he knows he was an asshole to me and wants me to accept all his empty apologies. but i'm not gonna tell him i don't forgive him bc then he'll *know* that he hurt me. then again, if he just wants forgiveness, why is he flirting with me and teasing me?
my friend says she thinks he takes the repercussions of his actions too casually. which makes a lot of sense. everything in my head is telling me to stay away from this guy. but for some reason my head's not doing a very good job of keeping me in line. (esp. when i'm under the influence)
this morning i sent him this:
"So here's what I've come up with... I don't need you, and you were probably right when you said I deserve better. However, none of that changes the fact that I still want you. My body wants you to touch me, my lips want you to kiss me, I want you to love me. But I also want a mustang gt, and I know I'm not getting one of those any time soon. We can't always get what we want, and I'm dealing with that. I've been trying to leave you alone because I think that's what you want, but I (obviously) have a bit of trouble with that when I'm under the influence. So now I will leave you alone again at least until the next time I'm drunk, whereupon, as a drunk texter, I can make no guarantees that I won't try to contact you if you're still on my mind. Love Always"
so now what do i do?