Can I Get Her Back?

[axiomvoid]

Here's my story...sorry if its too long but a lot has happened. My ex and I dated for a
little over a year. I'm 28 and she's 26. We both loved each other so much and always
talked about getting married and having kids. We had our ups and downs like any
relationship and even "broke up" a few times before, but always got back together
within days. Well, we had a huge argument in July this year and I snapped and broke up
with her...it was a pretty ugly break up. Here's where the problem is: we both work in
the same department, so it's hard to avoid eachother. But we didn't speak to each other
for 2 months. That whole time I was waiting on her to come to me...when she didn't come
I considered that she didn't care anymore and finally confronted her about it. I called
her up in tears and accused her of not caring about me, begged her to forgive me, asked
for her to take me back, and everything else. It didn't go so well (that was before I
learned about the "no contact" method). Later that night I drove to her house and
tried to get her to come out but she wouldn't. So I got back in my car and waited for
about 2 hours, texting her to come out and she never would. I left a nasty voicemail
which ended with me crying and accused her of lying about loving me for a year.

The next day she texted me saying that I was acting like a crazy person and that I
wasn't the same guy she fell in love with and that after all the negative things that I
said about her, that she does NOT want to be in a relationship with me anymore. I got
more upset and said more bad things about her. The day after that, I came to my senses
and tried to fix everything. I bought flowers and had them delivered. She sent a text
with simply "thank you." After a week, I called her up crying again and asking for her
back. She said something along the lines of the flowers were a nice thought but it
won't fix anything. I got offended because I had tried everything and nothing worked
and asked what does she want me to do. She said she needs space and that I need to
respect that. So I left her alone...several hours later she texts "maybe we can hangout
sometime as friends." I said ok to that...first good sign in 2 months.

A week later, I sent her more flowers (bigger) and included a letter explaining all my
feelings and basically poured my heart out in it...even included some pictures from
some of our good times out. Later that night after work she sent a text saying she read
the letter and understood everything I was saying but that I took her for granted and
that she needs time to think about what's best for her. That made me even more sad...it
was really depressing. Then, I looked online for help and bought an
ebook. It recommended that I arrange a short outing with her as friends
and talk about things that aren't related to our relationship. But before that it
recommends at least a month of no contact. Since we had already gone
two months without talking, I started with the short outing. We met up 2 weeks ago for
Sunday coffee and had a nice chat about what we have both been up to. I also commented on
the way she looks now, she has been working out almost every night since we broke up and
is taking a Brazilian Jui-Jitsu class. After an hour she said she had to go and I needed to
also, so we thanked each other and said goodbye. I took that as a good thing because it
was the first time we talked in a long time without arguing. She talked to me at work the
rest of the week and I saw it as a good sign and I started dressing differently with a new
wardrobe (more of the style she liked to see me in when we were together).

So, with things going well in my mind, this past Sunday I asked her if she wanted to
come over and talk, or somewhere else. She replied that she was too busy organizing her
closet for Fall and cleaning up. I said ok no big deal. Later that night she texted me
saying she wants the Xbox back that she bought me for Christmas last year because she
wants to sell it and buy a computer. I was completely surprised by that text and told
her I thought it was a rude gesture. She didn't understand why I would get offended by
it and I responded that I'm not trying to sell any of her things. Its like if I asked
for all the purses I bought her so I could sell them and buy a new TV, LOL. She said
she asked me because I told her I haven't used it since we broke up, which is true. But
that didn't mean I will never use it again...I've been too busy for games. I also
reminded her that I bought her a computer when we were still together and that if she
would take me back she would have it (it was at my house the day we broke up so I still
have it). I finally asked if she wanted it back and she said yes and that I should've
offered it to her last week when we met for coffee because she said she needed a
computer then too. I apologized and I am bringing the computer to work today.

So after a little more arguing that night I found out that in the 2 months that we
didn't talk to each other, she was waiting on me...and I was waiting on her. Now
another month has gone by since our break up, so now it's been 3 months total. I told
her I was sorry about that, as I have many times already. We argued a little more about
other things and she hung up on me and I sent her a few texts accusing her of not
caring about me and only thinking about herself and that I don't even wanna be her
friend anymore and that I changed my mind about giving her the computer. She called me
back and asked why do I always do that and that is one of the reasons she doesn't wanna
be with me. Because I always say bad things about her and then try to fix things and
pretend it never happened (her words). I tried to explain to her the way I feel and the
reason why I say the things I do...because i'm hurting and it doesn't appear that she
feels the same way. She said she does feel the same especially now that Halloween is
coming up and Christmas because we were together around this time last year and it was
great. That made me feel a lot better and it shows that she still cares about me...at
least a little bit.

I really don't know what to do about this situation. I want her back so bad...but I
don't want to be friends with her if I can't be in a relationship with her...it would
be too hard on me. I told her that and she said we have to start over because we messed
it up. I understand that, but I just don't get why it's so hard to get through to her
and why she's not as willing to try again like me. I also don't understand how someone
can claim to love you so much and say they want to spend the rest of their life with
you and then when you screw something up, they change their mind as if the time
together didn't mean anything. I fear that she is scared to try because she thinks it
will just happen all over again. I also fear that she will find someone else and that
I'll lose her forever. I'm all out of ideas. I'm not giving up though...far from it. I
just don't know what to do next because she's being unneccesarily stubborn. Or should I consider
starting over and trying the no contact method again (since I didn't start out properly). Working together
and seeing each other every day just makes it difficult. And I'm in a management position
so I'm not quitting anytime soon, lol. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

[Carmen]

Sorry you're going through this...you just have to stop arguing with her, going back and forth between saying you care and then saying bad things to her. How can she trust you? every time you get upset you start to blame things on her..and what about you saying that she could have the computer if she took you back? didn't you buy it for her?

You really need to stop acting this way. She'll never want to get back with you if you keep arguing with her. The only thing you can try to do now is be nice to her (doesn't mean you have to be friends) but don't expect her to get back with you without seeing a change in you first....and if it's not meant to be with her you can start looking at the way you handle situations so that the same things don't happen in the future with another girl.
I know it's hard but you just have to keep yourself together and stop showing her that you can't handle it. Take care of yourself.

[Primo]

First off, that was really well written. I usually can't handle the long one's because they're too hard to follow.

Second, I feel your pain, but for 28 yoa, that's very embarrassing behavior for a man. The easiest thing to read about what happened and what's going on is that you're extremely immature emotionally.

Be a man, stop playing the blame game and acting like a spoiled little kid with personal possessions. It sounds like she'd like to make it work, but that you're impossible because you can't behave normally.

You need to do some soul searching. Make some changes about yourself instead of waiting for her to take the same thing back. It won't be long before a man sweeps her off of her feet and she'll never even think of you again if you don't change.

[Carmen]

Primo said it even better....I had dealt with guys who I liked but were impossible...you need some time to think about these things. I think the best thing to do is let her know you love her but you yourself need some time to work on your own issues and your outlook on things..

[kai]

Primo said everything..

[Chazza2k]

Hey axiomvoid,

I just read through your very well written account of what went wrong, here are a few thoughts. Try not to beat yourself up in this situation too much, but you will learn from experience this is not the best way to behave when it comes to women. I know aswell because I behaved something very simular and eventually my GF left me too, now shes with someone else too (sickening). Primo is spot on but us naieve types learn the hardway from experience.

Emotionally you appear pretty strong at first but when things went wrong you kind of let your emotions take over you completely.. You have now appeared to her as the "needy" boyfriend who litterally has thrown the kitchen sink in verbal assults towards her because you were hurt and you were compelled to hurt her back... When you do this its very hard to take back and reconsile, I fell into exactly the same trap as you and really it drives a wedge between you both. The daft thing here is I did what you did, we both stopped talking to the GF blaming her for something and she blamed you for it. From experience I have learned this silent treatment is the wrong way to behave in anything... it makes a small problem into a massive one. Two months of not speaking you say? Was the argument worth that?

You really have to stop aruging about the smallest thing too, it's a problem. Try to rise above it? Stop accusing her of how she cares or doesnt care about you. She knows how she feels, she doesn't need you telling her. I know your instincts in all this are to argue about things but really you don't want to take that approach. Don't let on to how hurt you are in this either, I think this was my biggest mistake too! By doing that you basically look weak to her and you lose all form respect from her and it kills pride in yourself too! Becareful on apologising too much aswell it makes you look all at fault.

I know you want her back but I fear for this relationship now things have happened as they have. She would have lost so much respect for you in this it may make it impossible to continue. You need to play things a lot cooler with her. Basically like us all who end up here posting and eventually learning something, I think you did the wrong thing over and over with her.

Readup on many of the stories here, you will find that the pattern of what you did repeats over many many times. Learn from what you read and apply it to your future.

Best of luck.

[Heratriumphant]

I know this may seem like a petty thing but the computer/xbox thing needs to be dealt with.

If you bought the computer for her, then give it to her. Your mad that she wants to sell the xbox, but your using the computer to try to blackmail her back into the relationship?

You aren't acting like a man that loves her and cares about her life or needs. Your acting like a pouting child who wants to punish her for hurting you. Frankly stated your being an unfair jerk on the present issue. What she gave you is yours, and what you gave her is yours too.

[axiomvoid]

Thanks for the feedback guys. Well, my ex and I have met up for coffee twice since my last post and both times went really good (no arguing). And we're supposed to go to the movies this weekend, but so far she hasn't said anything else about that. But now I get the feeling that I'm being used and that she's just stringing me along ever since I gave her the computer back. She always calls and asks computer questions and then doesn't wanna talk about anything else (like our relationship). She was also in need of a cell phone and I gave her one of my old ones that I don't use anymore. She still doesn't talk to me at work unless it's absolutely necessary, the other day I sent her a text telling her she looked great and all I got was a "thanks." Either she's being extremely selfish and just doesn't get it, or she has moved on and just wants me around enough to get things that she wants. I'm about ready to accept the latter and try to move on. But it still sucks either way...

[axiomvoid]

Alright guys, I need some help here. Like I said in my last post, I'm wondering if I need to move on. I called up my ex and basically gave her an ultimatum...I asked her if she saw a chance of us getting back together and if not, then I can no longer be her friend (b/c its too hard for me to deal with). Well she said that she thought that's what we were working up to by having our little coffee dates as "friends." I told her that was ok with me but that I didn't like her inviting me out to have coffee one weekend and totally ignoring me the next weekend and that I didn't know how long I could deal with it and she got upset and said she didn't know I had a time limit. I told her I didn't have a time limit but that she needs to be realistic and realize that I won't wait and sit around forever.

We went back and forth on different things and I ended up crying and pouring my heart out (as usual) and it basically all boiled down to this: she doesn't want a relationship with me or anyone else right now because she's too busy "finding herself" and she said I should do the same for me. She's taken on this kickboxing/MMA class and it's totally consumed her life and that's what she's focusing on. She started doing it when we were still together and I encouraged her because she was always looking for a hobby to be interested in (she claims she has no talent). Now she doesn't want a relationship because she doesn't want to deal with stress and said she's happy now because all she has to worry about is herself. She also thinks I need more time to myself so I can change for the better. I told her I have been changing and finding myself too during this now 4 months of being broken up, but during all that I realized that I wanted her back and needed a companion...she said she just doesn't need anybody (right now). I told her she's being selfish and she agreed with me and said she's working on changing that. Honestly, both of us are selfish and we both knew that when we started dating but we both agreed that we would work to change that.

Anyways, I guess what I'm asking is should I continue to go out and do things with her as friends and hope that we get back together, or should I just move on and let her go be happy by herself until she wakes up one day and realizes that she's lonely? It hurts me to be her friend when I'm constantly thinking to myself why can't we be a couple like we used to be or thinking that we're just gonna be friends and nothing more. She says before she will take me back we must be friends again...so I'm willing to deal with it, but should I? And if so, how do I cope and build myself up to not be so hurt or worried? She's obviously stronger (emotionally) than I am. I also told her that there's another girl that has started to show interest in me and that I was thinking about pursuing her. This isn't true, there is no other girl...I just wanted to see what her reaction would be. After telling her there was another girl she got upset and almost hung up on me. After talking for a little longer she ended up telling me that if I need to hang out with another girl so I can stop feeling miserable then I should go ahead and do it. So it's almost as if she's saying it's ok for me to see other people now?? If I feel so strongly about her and miss her so much, why does it seem to me that she doesn't care anymore and doesn't miss me? She said she still loves me and that if she didn't care she wouldn't be talking to me...so I'm totally at a loss here and have no idea what I should be doing...