Mention of children...

[Single]

Im 24 my boyfriend is 27.

We met February. We dated for several weeks and went official in March so its been about 4 months now.

In the last 2 months he says quite often 'id love to settle down with you', 'your perfect for me', 'your the first person id consider marrying and having children with' etc etc.

We were speaking this morning and the conversation casually come onto children. I said jokingly "ooh im not sure if I ever want kids, all that awful pain, Im probably the type just to have one then settle with that" He responded quite abruptly with "well kids are a big deal for me so if you never want them then thats us dead in the water now!" I was like, erm..

How I look at things- I want a loving relationship and marriage, if children come along then its an added bonus but its not the be all and end all, if I cant have them then its ok. Its a massive thing to put your body through and a life long commitment, I wouldn't flippantly just say 'yea why not'. I want someone to be with me because they love me, children only hang about for 16 years anyway then your left with your partner, so I want to be with someone that really loves me no matter how many kids we have/ dont have or anything else that would come and go.

I explained all this to him, then also said "what if I never want children or found out in 5 years I wasnt ever able to have them, would you not stay with me?!" He said "Im pretty sure in a few years you'll want kids anyway so im not worried as im pretty sure about that, and if we found out you couldnt have them theres alternative options we could do"

I kind of dropped the subject there but I get the impression that hes only with me as some kind of baby machine. As far as I can tell hes an honest guy (a little controlling and messed up from a badish upbringing) but he would look after me and I believe that. But im a but concerned hes just in love with the idea of marriage and kids but not specifically with 'me' and if I couldnt have kids then he'd be off.

Ive no idea what I want in life, kids etc, no idea, I want a loving relationship and just to take days as they come, but I dont want to feel like I have to have children if I want to stay with my partner, as I wouldnt..

Any advice or is he just being sweet and Im overreacting?!

[Cerby]

Ok, well, you're 4 months in, so you're talking about future things and hitting some walls.

I'm 27 and my ex was 24, I was the one who was talking about the future (just a bit) and we realized that when we got into it, we weren't looking for the same things. 3 days after our 4 month she broke up with me, hurt me, but I realize now that it was for the better. She wasn't ready to consider the same things I was, and I wasn't even talking about children, I was just talking about a bit of a commitment!

Based on the differences you have, the abruptness of the way he has been taking to you, he isn't really willing to negotiate on this. If you DO decide you want it a different way, would he accept it? If his answer is "no" then you might want to get out while you're still newly in, and before you truly commit to each other.

[loves568]

If he can see a future with you then I would doubt that he looks at you only as a baby making machine. If he had a rough upbrining, having children is a way for him to make up for that by being better than that. You admited that you could see yourself having one child. That's something there. If you're worried about what your body will go through, then you can always adopt. I know that that is something I want. You could give a child who needs a home that love and heart that it needs. And you will love any child you raise more than you love whomever you raise this child with. I would really think (and pray if you're religious) on the child issue. And remember for him children may be a deal breaker, but that doesn't mean he doesn't love or want to be with you.

[MerryH]

Is he being sweet!? No. No. Not at all.

All his talk of babies and families is not sweet, it's creepy. You've only been dating 4 months. That's pretty early to start pressuring someone into having a family. Or to start pressuring them into the idea of having a family.

And I don't like how he totally disregarded your opinion on this and was just so sure about you changing your mind:

"what if I never want children or found out in 5 years I wasnt ever able to have them, would you not stay with me?!" He said "Im pretty sure in a few years you'll want kids anyway so im not worried as im pretty sure about that

In other words, "I'm pretty sure I can convince or coerce you into having children, so whatever you say now isn't important."

You should do some research into controlling partners and how they behave. I know I've read that a controlling partner might try to push a very committed relationship very early on. Four months is early.

But anyway, it seems you both want different things. He wants a baby like now, and you...don't really.

[vashti]

I don't see why you are interested in labeling a man who knows he wants children as anything other than honest. Most people want children at some point, and yes, you WILL have to make a decision about that eventually, and he isn't wrong for wanting that.

Whether or not a person wants to have babies is a deal-breaker for MOST people.