I am lost, girlfriend unsure of what she wants and has ended things....

[Big Col]

I am Colin, I am 39 (nearly) and I am really struggling and having a difficult time right now....

I've been or was going out with my current girlfriend for almost 2 years, in fact it would of been our 2nd anniversary very soon. She has two children who I adore and they get on very well with my own son from a previous relationship.

My girlfriend and her huband were together for over 20 years and she nursed him through his illness until he died at their home. We met and became friends 3 months after her husband had died from cancer, 5 months later after that, something clicked between us, it was electric and we started a relationship 2 years ago, for the most part that has been wonderful. So relatively speaking this is very early doors for her after only being on her own for 8 months before starting a relationship with me.

I've experienced a lot of pain and loss in my life, I also had cancer 10 years ago and have been discharged now, I also lost my Uncle who I was very close to whilst I was having chemopherapy and having experienced a number of significant events in my life such as 2 best friends being killed in action, being in an abusive relationship and dealing with issues regarding my adoption. I've also gone through family courts gaining better access to my son who I have a 3rd of the year. My Father died last year, so I am well used to dealing with life issues and have a better understanding than most.

I sometimes found things hard to deal with, I had no intention of ending the relationship, all I wanted to know occaisionally was if we were going in the same direction? That there can be a photograph of us together in her house. Is that unreasonable after the length of time we have been together? She even raised the subject of getting married!

I can almost fully understand the feelings she may have had, about guilt, that she is sad, that some days are worse than others, significant anniversarys have of course been difficult for her, such has her wedding anniversary, husband's birthday etc. Occaisions such as these I've bought her flowers and cards and been a shoulder for her to cry on and I have cried with her when she has wished to share her experiences, the only thing I have not done is been with her to visit his grave.

She's been on anti-depressants for about a year and I have actively encouraged her to go to councilling which she has, she has come off her medication and it's gone wrong between us or it could be a coincidence, I am not sure, she has become withdrawn, business like, unsure of what she wants.

As regards to the relationship I don't know what's happened. One minute she is always talking about the future and what our future could be which filled me with hope and then she ended it. This was after she became withdrawn again and I said that all I wanted was to know if there could be a future for us one day, is that wrong of me to ask after 2 years? We are both on facebook, she changed her status to "Widowed" when it previously been blank then showing to be in a relationship, and has deleted her pictures of me. It's like she has cut me from her life and I have not existed for the last 2 years.

There was nothing to show that we were in a relationship together at her house, her house has pictures of her and her husband, family photos etc, I had no problem with this, a small photo of us together would make me feel more positive about the relationship. At my house I have multiple pictures of us together as I am proud to be in a relationship with her.We had multiple trips away with our children together, her children are 4 and 14, her youngest draws pictures of me at his nursery, her eldest sleeps over at mine, he is upset about what has happened and still wants to see me, he has a picture of me and him together in his bedroom next to one of his Dad.

Well we had a talk the other night, she does not know what she wants after 2 years, loves me but does not know in which way, wants to re-discover herself, meet new people, try new things. It's destroyed me, 2 weeks ago we were talking about living together.

I've somehow managed to agree to offer staying friends, she then asked what would happen if she met someone and had a drink with them? I said it would not be any of my business and that it would be difficult to deal with but if that's the case it then works both ways.

I told her it's not what I want but I am prepared to have a break and that I hope that she changes her mind in the future.

I laid all my cards on the table, told that I would of found it easier if she had first not built my hopes of a future and marriage etc but could cope with day to for the time being. She was still adament on the break, so I agreed, we also agreed to meet up later on in the summer to see how we feel.

To end it I told her what I felt and that was that she was the only person I had met that I wanted to spend my life with and I had wanted her to be my wife and that I hope one day she changes her mind and I have the opportunity to be her husband...

There has been a few exchanges of text messages, I've sent her flowers which she thanked me for and said that I was a very special person and that we will talk, I could not say what I needed to say when we last talked, I was crying and too upset, so I have written to her explaining how I felt, that I feel that now that I have helped her through a difficult time she no longer wants me or needs me and that the how it has come across is hurtful and unfair. That I hope we can work things out and that all I ever wanted was to feel part of her life and that she made some space for me in her life.We were due to go on holiday this coming week with our children, obviously I am having to go on my own with my son, we were all so looking forward to it.

I have no hope now, just have been kicked into touch, I am distraught, I could not stop crying talking to her, but she just seemed so calm and professional about the whole thing, who says that men are less emotional then women? Was I wrong to write to her and send flowers? I could not get my point of view across any other way.....

I feel hurt, used, angry in a sense, disgusted, I have emotionally invested in her, she made me promise when we got together not to give up on her when things got difficult, but now she has given up on me. I've felt a bit low recently about my Dad and this affect my confidence in a lot of areas including sexually which is not normally me, all I wanted was a bit of support and understand, is that wrong of me to have expected that after being together for 2 years?

I could really do with some kind words and direction, I am currently lost in the woods...

[devonbrown]

This is a tough one, mostly because of what the two of you have been through. One thing to remember is that everyone grieves in different ways. So even though you have been through a lot and have handled it, she could very well still be reeling from her husband of 20 years dying. I wouldn't doubt it if she felt guilty about being in a relationship at all, somehow feeling like she is cheating on her husband.

You also said

She's been on anti-depressants for about a year and I have actively encouraged her to go to councilling which she has, she has come off her medication and it's gone wrong between us or it could be a coincidence, I am not sure, she has become withdrawn, business like, unsure of what she wants.

Do no underestimate this. If she is fighting depression and has been on medication, any shift in that medication could cause lots of different effects.

Bottom line, I would suggest trying to be understanding and let her have what she needs right now. I understand your being upset about no pictures, etc, And it is good to talk to her about it, but don't get mad about it. Telling her how you felt used and stuff now might only make her feel worse. Her being unemotional when talking to you is a defense mechanism, not because she is heartless.

I know you are hurting, and I am not trying to belittle that. But the best you can do here is treat her the way you would like her to treat you and be understanding that people are very different in how they handle difficult situations.

Good luck.

[IncognitoSir]

Although the situation is extremely unique as far as the events that have taken place, it seems like she wants to browse other men. 2 years together, you've been their for each other no DOUBT, discuss living together, future together, then out of the blue........it's over......nah. Remaining friends with her, is a mistake although I can understand why you would want to. It's going to hurt you terribly over the days and months to come, to know she's seeing other men and still using you as a support system. (emotionally) You probably need some time to yourself to sort out your on feelings about the breakup. Remember, you also deserve to be happy and the place you're in now, is not happiness. You shouldn't sacrifice your happiness for her comfort. Let her see what else is out their, but you also need to browse around yourself.

[jepjava]

1st: im sure you are both in love when your 1st met.
2nd: you have a cancer and the girl is just lost her husband, you know how hard for her to lose her love one.
3rd: being emotional is depends on the persons past, i think you mean to say is women is less pride than men, because men hide their emotion just because of their pride, and women is designed to share their feelings to other to lessen the pain.
4th: yes you are wrong to send her letters and flowers because she want some space to think, If you really love her, try to understand what she want to happen, let her free so she can figure things clearly. if you gave her space you may have a little chance, but if you do things that she don't want, you will lose that chance.
5th: she made a promise before, that was when you are both happy together, maybe you forgot to tell us if you did make her happy when she was in relation with you.
Last: If you really don't want to lose her, don't do anything for her, just make become visible to her and plan a move that make her happy, do not force her to love you again or be friend or date or talk about your relationship, forget all of that and specially never show her that you feel jealous, instead help her what she want, you should do things that make her laugh and happy, that's the only thing left you can do to have a chance to be with her.

[Big Col]

Thank you for the replies, I do not have cancer anymore though, I am discharged and given the all clear.

I am not planning on contacting her again, the flowers she thanked me for, I had actually sent them before we broke up, and the reason rightly or wrongly for sending the letter was that I could not talk about how I felt, I was crying at the time, I've not said anything in it that is hurtful, I've offered my support and offered to give her space and to talk when SHE IS ready, her reasoning just seems unclear and could coincide with the medication, I went over it with my female friends and they loved it, it was from the heart, there is nothing more to say, I am having councelling and the councillor thought it was also very good and from the heart. From where I am, this all seems one sided, I've helped her through all of this, but she also has to know I am finding this difficult also. She has sent me letters in the past, I know that she would take notice of this. I have not given off any hint of anger in my letter, and you cannot play the widow card forever.

I've been doing a lot of talking with my friends, and I am beginning to think that even if she did want me back I would be extremely cautious, and in fact, she would need to make some changes, for too long it's been a one way street.This can't all be about her wants and her needs all the time, there are 2 people here.

[Big Col]

Although the situation is extremely unique as far as the events that have taken place, it seems like she wants to browse other men. 2 years together, you've been their for each other no DOUBT, discuss living together, future together, then out of the blue........it's over......nah. Remaining friends with her, is a mistake although I can understand why you would want to. It's going to hurt you terribly over the days and months to come, to know she's seeing other men and still using you as a support system. (emotionally) You probably need some time to yourself to sort out your on feelings about the breakup. Remember, you also deserve to be happy and the place you're in now, is not happiness. You shouldn't sacrifice your happiness for her comfort. Let her see what else is out their, but you also need to browse around yourself.

I have been in touch with one of her friends who is a widow also, she told me it was absolutely nothing that I had done as I had been the best thing since sliced bread, she also worryingly said that she appeared calm, business like, and at that time had not read my letter, she has told me that I must let her miss me and miss what she had,which I fully intend to do.

Her friend is going to go round regularly and stay in touch with me. I have told her friend that I respect her wishes that she needs time on her own but that I do love her and her children and would work with her to sort anything out and still see them. Her friend is very aware and other people have commented that she has taken a massive step backwards, especially with the relationship status as widowed on facebook..

I am very worried about her eldest, he is very angry with her about this and her friend thinks she has not set a good example for him to deal with his issues, commenting not a long time back that she did not want to be here. He has had thoughts of suicide recently, hence the medication he has been put on.

[devonbrown]

Big Col, you said something that really strikes me as possibly being a reason why she might have felt the need to get away for a while. You said

you cannot play the widow card forever.

That comment really comes across as inconsiderate and uncaring. It does not sound like the understanding person you said you are.

Also, your follow-up comments sound like you are feeling used and want your share of pity and compassion from her. I'm sorry, but love doesn't try to make things equal.

Good luck.