She has lost sex drive but wants to get married--PLEASE HELP!

[sheconfusesme]

Hi,

So I have been dating my girlfriend for roughly a year now...but on and off since college (roughly 10 yrs). We are 30 years old.
When we first got back together the sex was fine, not a ton...but often enough that it was normal and I didnt have any issues with it. I absolutely love her and she does me. We discuss marriage alot and are planning our life together already, to the point she almost pressures me to "start thinking about next steps more". Everything outside of the sex is amazing. She is my best friend, enjoy eachothers company, we find eachother very attractive, we have an amazing time together, love one another/eachothers families, have the same aspirations, goals are inline, etc. Everything is seriously great but the only thing stopping me from proposing tomorrow is seriously the lack of sex. I can honestly say if we had a normal sex life I would marry her tomorrow.

Well the past several months we stopped having sex regularly (its been since Valentines day...and before that atleast a month). Definitely not by my hand, as I still try and mess around but everytime we get close she is "too tired" or "its that time of the month" (even though we have done it during this time several times in the past with zero issues) or simply is not in the mood. I finally confronted her about this and explained that its really hard to keep getting shut down all the time and that I have needs that are not being satisfied. I tried to be as tactful and sincere as possible and how or what I could do to help improve the situation. She explained that she has absolutely zero sex drive now and it may be partly because of a medication called Spironolactone. After some research it appears a side effect common in women is loss of sex drive.
I asked her if she would consider using another medication for acne (which is why she said she takes it) as this could be one step closer to helping us figure this out. She explained that this medication took her forever to find after trying a ton of things and that she really isnt willing to quit it as the "depression she would get from breaking out on her face would definitely make her not want to have sex even more than now anyway". The hard part is...is that she is absolutely acne free and has almost perfect skin! She tends to be more on the hypochondriac side and thinks things are far worse than they are so I get this but she swears up and down she needs this medicine to keep a clear face and her happiness.

My problem here is that I feel like she is choosing a medicine over me...and the fact she is not willing to try something else or stop taking this for just a short time to atleast see if this is the problem sucks. If the tables were turned and I was taking a medication that was wrecking a portion of her life in someway (such as sex life, or maybe it made me angry all the time, etc) she would defintely want me to quit and I would in a heartbeat. She also mentioned that i can look forward to having children with her because then we will have to be "trying" (having sex) alot and she cannot take the medicine during this time anyway. But this pisses me off because like any man...I dont want to get to look forward to sex with my wife only when its time to procreate!!!! I want to have sex with the only person I can have sex with (morally anyway) because I love her and think its important.

PLEASE HELP! Any suggestions on how to discuss this with her, arrive at a compromise or reasons on why this may be happening would be greatly appreciated.

THANK YOU SO MUCH

[Incognito]

Hey sheconfusesme. It sounds more like she is just a person with a low sex drive. The hypochondriac issue will not help your relationship either though. I find it worrisome that she is simply coming up with excuses to get out of sex, all the while holding the prospect of sex when trying to have children out in front of you like a carrot. It seems to me that she is more concerned with wanting to get married and have kids, than having a healthy sexual relationship (even though you've made it clear that sex is important to you). Below are two threads that you might find interesting/useful. I am in your same position, only I am married. Would you like to see where you could possibly end up? Sure you do. Go ahead an look through the threads. I'd start with the first one.

[url]http://www.loveforum.net/ask-female-forum/39003-my-wife-has-no-sex-drive-what-can-i-do.html[/url]

[url]http://www.loveforum.net/love-advice-forum/40137-wife-sends-me-text-message-about-sex.html[/url]

[sookie6]

As a woman it has been my experience that when I stopped wanting szex with someone it was a clear sign of my lack of feelings for this person.

I actually sustained a relationship for a long time with someone with whom sex was near to non-existent, on the basis that everything else worked so great. This relationship was a mistake.

I now believe that sex is one of the cements of a relationship.


It's not the first time I read a thread on this sort of issue, usually tricks to getting married or having the guy settled down are never too far away...

[vashti]

Spironolactone is a diuretic. It's given for hypertension and heart failure. Loss of libido is NOT a common side effect, and I've never seen it prescribed for acne (I can't even see how it would be related), but if she's taking it, she needs it (she's not choosing it over you).

You should tell her point blank you won't marry her until this issue is resolved.

[VincenzoG91]

After some similar posts here by married guys, I think this is a major warning sign of how much your married life is going to suck. Dump her and find somebody who wants to be happy with you, not somebody who is going to obsess over non-existent problems while avoiding responsibility for a very real problem.

[Gigabitch]

RED FLAG!

Do not marry this girl.

[sheconfusesme]

God dammit you guys...you all said what I didnt want to hear (but maybe need to) ! But nonetheless, thank you...I really appreciate hearing this from total strangers like you who hold no judgements or have any reason not to tell it like it is. I actually do not talk about this to anyone outside of like one of my buddies but that only really is me selfishly bitching I dont get laid enough.
This is lame because I truly think she is my soul mate and I picture growing old with her. I dated probably 4-5 girls after her (before this go around) on a more serious level (despite casual dating/sleeping with several others who meant nothing) and i can honestly say that I pictured being with this girl in the long term even as other girls i was with at the time would be daydreaming of "our futures together". In the back of my mind i always knew and daydreamed of winding up with this girl. Now that I have and things are absolutely great...there is this single thorn in my side, lack of sexual affection.
Is there a way I can talk this out with her or learn together how to turn this around? I really do not want to throw in the towel because i know what is out there and am really happy with her minus this one area. I have slept with plenty of girls that although the sex was amazing...immediately following I wanted any excuse to get away from them or them out of my house! That is actually the story of my life...if the sex is awesome i hate the girl...if i love the girl the sex life isnt great. Maybe I am a grass is greener type guy I guess ..but I do know that if I could solve this with her we would live near perfect lives together.

I will admit I need to work on my communication. Although I am open and want to talk about this stuff...I tend to wait until its built up and in the middle of a moment before letting it out. I havent sat down and had a very adult adult eye to eye "lets really get to the bottom of this" conversation. I instead discuss it little bits here and there. I do this because...when everything is going great and we are really enjoying the other parts of our lives together I feel that I dont want to drag the moment down with something I think could bring down the mood or cause conflict. I am also afraid to hear that it may possibly be "me" that is not doing it for her...despite being attractive and sought after by other women, i mean for her individually. (forgive me sounding like i am boasting/bragging, i dont intend for this.. but am just trying to paint a picture for you of what I perceive the situation to be).
I forgot to mention that she makes me want to be a better person, and I am when I am with her (personally, emotionally, professionally,etc). I strive to be better and improve many things in my life simply because i know she is watching and value her opinion..even though I should be doing them for myself or because its the 'right thing to do'.

If any of you have some gems of wisdom (especially ones that dont require us splitting up) I would love to hear more. Thanks again!

[TAVS]

Sounds to be like you're boring in bed and she's had enough

[Incognito]

Sounds to be like you're boring in bed and she's had enough

Hmmm, that was about as insightful and helpful as spitting in his face. People don't avoid sex to the extent that she does just because it isn't that great (which hasn't been established as the problem yet anyway).


@ sheconfusesme: Someone else has your same exact story in another thread here. [url]http://www.loveforum.net/love-advice-forum/39928-girlfriend-no-longer-interested-sex-my-wits-end.html[/url] The only difference is that he shared his concerns with his girlfriend. That needs to be your first step. If she's willing to work on the problem, then good, go with it. If not you may want to read that entire thread and ask yourself if you want to be in that psoition (or in mine for that matter).

[ftm]

@ sheconfusesme: Someone else has your same exact story in another thread here. [url]http://www.loveforum.net/love-advice-forum/39928-girlfriend-no-longer-interested-sex-my-wits-end.html[/url] The only difference is that he shared his concerns with his girlfriend. That needs to be your first step. If she's willing to work on the problem, then good, go with it. If not you may want to read that entire thread and ask yourself if you want to be in that psoition (or in mine for that matter).

Yeah, man, I read this guy's thread and sort of nodded my head. Sheconfusesme, DO NOT go forward with this until you get some concessions on her end. She needs to know exactly how important this is to you. If she's not willing to try a different medication, then her vanity is worth more to her than your happiness. Read my thread and decide for yourself. Have it out with her on a bigger level than, "I wish we had sex more." Explain that you NEED THIS. You'll feel better for a while. I do, even though I still sleep in a very PG-rated bed.

Hopefully both of our stories will have happy endings.

[Gigabitch]

This is lame because I truly think she is my soul mate and I picture growing old with her.

Well, unless you want to start acting like a geriatric right away, you might want to rethink this. Maybe your soul and your dick should have a long conversation about their respective needs.

[girl68]

Repeat: do not marry this girl. This needs to be solved before you marry her. I don't see you getting over this...

[davidtorres]

i will never marry a girl that cant give me what i NEED. lol