Celibacy #2

[superjim]

My first ever post - apologies if I have inadvertently broken any forum rules or etiquette...

So, a quick search revealed this post in the past

[url]http://www.loveforum.net/showthread.php?p=5654#post5654[/url]

In it, someone asked...

Ok so for about two months now I've been seriously considering and debating the idea of becoming celibate. Whenever I would ask someone what they thought of it they would be like, "for how long?" and I would respond with forever. Tonight I made up my mind and felt it would be best to go ahead and declare myself as celibate. I told my best friend and she seemed less than thrilled, in fact she got very quiet after telling her so I think she disapproves, the two other people I told were pretty indifferent and just said to go with whatever I felt would be best. I just want to get some responses on how everyone feels about the celibacy issue and if you think its a reasonable decision for a 19 year old male. Any feedback is appreciated.

The first reply was, I feel, quite telling..

Go ahead and enjoy pitying and differentiating yourself, if it makes it easier.

I wonder what percentage of people who declare themselves celibate do it because, actually, they want to be "different" - or want to put a brave face on the fact that no-one wants to sleep with them..

Thus, when I considered celibacy for the first time a week or two ago, I asked myself a few similar questions.. I've 24, and have been sexually active since mid-teens. I'm bisexual (although I fully realised that, I think, a couple of years ago) - and have been vigorously pursuing various bizarre (and taboo) sexual avenues for several years (they were all consenting adults, I should add as a disclaimer )

Although, in a technical sense, you could call me sexually fulfilled... ultimately I am not. I have never been in love, and often have not even particularly liked the people I have slept with (be they south-east asian transvestite prostitutes, strangers met in a club, or work colleagues. Let's not get started on webcams....)

"Well Jim", some might argue, "there's your problem! You haven't found a soul-mate to truly 'make love' to. Thus, your constant forays into depravity have had a certain ironic, paradoxical effect. You are constantly exploring new avenues of bizarre fetishes with people you are not emotionally connected to precisely because you really need the opposite; someone to connect with emotionally before *real* sexual gratification can take place."

Well, here's the beef. I've never, ever, felt the need to have a girlfriend or boyfriend outside of the "it's nice to have someone to drink/**** with" frame of mind that I seem to have been born with. Suffice to say that relationships that I have had have been sordid, alcoholic, unfaithful and ultimately forgettable affairs.

I just don't get it.

It's not like I ever decided "To hell with it, I'm never going to care for somebody." I just haven't, outside of the obvious pre-requisite family members.

So, getting back to celibacy...

I am secretly (well, not with you people, obviously) envious of those in loving relationships with happily fulfilled sex lives.

Perhaps, I just need to stop. Maybe this whole "sexual objectivity" thing is getting way too out of hand (and by that, I mean "using/evaluating someone in terms of their sexual usefulness"). I need to stop thinking about sex - this, like giving up smoking, is an all or nothing deal. Celibacy is not just simply "not ****ing" - it is a complete change in state of mind.

Well, I know this has been a boring self-centred rant, but still - here it is.

Any thoughts welcome

Jim

[cycletease]

I think that your comparison of sex to drugs (nicotine) is fairly provocative. It does, indeed, seem that you are using sex like a drug to fulfill a physical or mental urge to escape. Your description of your life does seem a frenzied array of situations where you are desparate to get a high. I would persue that way of thinking and how much it actually applies to you.

Interesting, also, that those on drugs have a very difficult time with intimacy...which seems to be an issue with you as well.

And for all of the unusual sexual encounters where you tried to fulfill your deepest desires you find that one of the most basic desires is left entirely unmet. I am sorry that you have found lonliness so hard to keep at bay. It makes me very sad.

There are a few books on the topic, perhaps some research would provide some insight?