Stay away, or give reassurance, dilemma....

[Troubleshooter]

Hi,

About 6-7 weeks ago my GF of 3 years broke up with me after i told her about a weird moment while i was hanging out with a female friend i made a while back. This girl invited me over to watch some DVD's movies/series she had, play some videogames and just hang out. Nothing unusual there i think, my GF has done the same a few times with male friends.

Anyway, we were talking about a videogame and i asked her to show the game to me so we went up to her computer room and she turned the screen on. She forgot that before i arrived she had been busy editing some homemade sexy pictures. Nothing vulgair, her "lady parts" were all covered up, mostly bikini / lingerie pictures she took to make herself feel attractive and for a guy she fancies.

I was feeling a little awkward and suddenly got very interested in the glass of cola i had in my hand as i assumed she would quickly close the pictures. But insted she started talking about and showing how she edited those pictures and baby pictures she took for friends and clients of her little amateur photo studio.

I figured maybe it wasnt bad enough to be fussing about and i let her show me the pictures but didnt comment on them other than a polite "yeah, nice pictures, and good editing", followed by changing the subject.

Well, my girlfriend was pissed off at me over this when i told her about these "sexy pictures". She thinks i showed sexual or romantic interest in this girl and is convinced i find this girl sexy. And that i am an asshole for letting her show me the pictures insted of declining. The thing is i only ever called her looking "good", never "sexy". I just called the pictures sexy as that is what their intended concept or goal was.
But yeah i should have looked away, that was my fault and i took the blame for it and promised not to do something like that again. But i wasnt oggling at her body or anything. I didnt have sexual or romantic interest in this girl and still dont, and never will. Only for my ex-GF.

So my girlfriend broke up with me because she feels that i have shown interest in another girl and that she is no longer special to me and that i might aswell be with another girl. And no matter how often i try to talk to her about it and attempt to fix it or change her mind, she doesnt seem to believe me and she doesnt want to talk about it unless she wants to bring it up herself. Which has happened once last week but didnt change much as i didnt have the full picture in my head what exactly her issue was.

Mind you, in the 3,5 years that i have known her, i have only told her 1 little lie that didnt have any impact, so i seriously doubt i build up a reputation for lying. Infact, if i didnt come forward with this and told her about it because i thought it was weird and awkward, and i was feeling a bit guilty, she never would have found out.

So she wants us to be friends (with benefits), and that's pretty much what we have been since the break up. There are still strong feelings on both sides, and we both were deeply hurt by the break up.

[Lifetime]

She either doesn't trust you, or has been unhappy in the relationship and found an easy way out without being the one to "blame" when you told her about what happened, at least that's how it seems to me. Either way, it seems to be you'd both be better off having some time apart. Easier said than done.

[Bigboy77]

Tell her that you want a relationship. FWB isn't what you want.

Then go No contact/ little contact and start to move on. She'll probably come back down the line if you start to move on.

[Troubleshooter]

Thank you for the support. I have had a talk with her and at first i stated that we cannot forever be "just friends with benefits" dispite having feelings, and how it is very hard for me to not bring up the break, or attempt to say sweet boyfriend-like thing out of habit or attempts to make her feel better.

The initial idea of "Break contact till you want to talk about it." was met with her saying that it would mean she'd never talk to me again as she stated that breaking contact would, to her, mean exactly that. It smelled a bit like a "owh, can't lose him completely!" reaction, but in hindsight, she always did completely break with anyone who broke contact with her and never-ever would contact them again. It's one of her principles so to speak.

She also disagreed it would be the best way to help her feel special enough to try a relationship again though when asked she didnt know what option would have the best chance.

So, i talked about compromises and alternatives. Such as a full week of no-contact followed by a talk to check how we're feeling and if she has gotten enough of a break, and if not, repeat if needed.
Another would be where i stated i would go LC with her and not approach her in any way, she can approach me however she wants, but it would be up to my discretion if i want to reply and start a conversation/activity or merely acknowledge reading it.
Or we would just not hold back on our feelings, behave as before the break without putting a stamp on it, and just have fun and maybe she'll start feeling better and better about it over time.

I asked her what she would like the most if she could have it all her way, and she said stated that the current situation of the past weeks was her preference. Which technically is friends with benefits though she rejected that term dispite the fact she called us "currently friends" and we still have sex. The only reason i can think of why she would reject that term is that friends-with-benefits would be two people who are purely friends, have sex and have no romantic interest. Probably also because the term might sound offensive to her.

That prompted me to ask if she still feels romantically attracted to me she replied with a "of course i do!", so i think the chance that she broke up with me because of lack of feelings is pretty much out the window.

Lastly, we talked a little about the "problem" itself. I asked her if she had any male friends she found sexy, and she said she does. So i asked if that meant she also has an interest in them, as she appearantly believes i do when she believes i find a girl sexy. She said she doesnt have any interest in any of them. I then asked her if her finding those guys sexy makes me less "special" the way she thinks she's less special to me, and she said it doesnt. Maybe that will make her think a bit about it, though she said a few days ago that love and emotions have nothing to do with logic, she's almost as stubborn as me....hehe, can't help but chuckle at that.

I used the term "sexy pictures" before about a year ago when a female friend of mine was using a bikini picture on her MSN to try to hook a guy (What the heck is wrong with those women?....). And i told my GF about it then while convincing the girl to hook the guy using normal pictures or dont bother trying at all and appearantly back then also she believed i was referring to the girl as being sexy.

So, i asked her even IF i were to find these two girls sexy, why would that make her no better than them. Her reasoning was that i would be happy with their looks if i was dating either girl and so in that respect my ex-GF feels she wouldnt be above them in value.
I tried explaining i'm not a dog and dont just date any girl that is good looking, that there is a difference between good looking and sexy and that she herself is gorgeous and the sexiest girl ever. She didnt reply to that.

She wasnt positive or negative to these alternatives or the talk we had and i told her we'd sleep about it and maybe talk more about it tomorrow.

[tremolo]

That prompted me to ask if she still feels romantically attracted to me she replied with a "of course i do!", so i think the chance that she broke up with me because of lack of feelings is pretty much out the window.

Clearly she still wants you, but broke up with you because of this incident with another woman. It sucks, I guess, but you know... if I were her, I'd probably do the same thing. I'm not sure it's really appropriate for you to be 'hanging out' with this other girl in her home, especially if you met her sometime after you got together with your girlfriend. I wouldn't mind my partner having other female friends at all, but I would expect him not to be spending extended amounts of time with another woman in her home, and I wouldn't think of doing that myself - unless of course the person in question was an old old old old friend, who I had a long platonic history with. Even then, I'm not sure that I would.

I realize that situation for you was probably awkward and - assuming what you say is true, and you weren't sticking around to check out her noodz- you were just trying to be polite; however, it's really not appropriate for you to be there with that woman conferring with her over her 'sexy pictures'. I guess your girlfriend should give you props for your honesty, but honestly, if there was nothing shady going on, I'd prefer not to know. That kind of incident would provoke a bad reaction from me, as it did for your girlfriend.

[Troubleshooter]

Clearly she still wants you, but broke up with you because of this incident with another woman. It sucks, I guess, but you know... if I were her, I'd probably do the same thing. I'm not sure it's really appropriate for you to be 'hanging out' with this other girl in her home, especially if you met her sometime after you got together with your girlfriend. I wouldn't mind my partner having other female friends at all, but I would expect him not to be spending extended amounts of time with another woman in her home, and I wouldn't think of doing that myself - unless of course the person in question was an old old old old friend, who I had a long platonic history with. Even then, I'm not sure that I would.

I realize that situation for you was probably awkward and - assuming what you say is true, and you weren't sticking around to check out her noodz- you were just trying to be polite; however, it's really not appropriate for you to be there with that woman conferring with her over her 'sexy pictures'. I guess your girlfriend should give you props for your honesty, but honestly, if there was nothing shady going on, I'd prefer not to know. That kind of incident would provoke a bad reaction from me, as it did for your girlfriend.

Mind you, she's been hanging out with male friends aswell, including new ones she made after we started dating and i never had a problem with it and she never minded me spending time with female friends or visiting them. We trusted each other. And i did not spend extended amounts of time with this girl, i was at her place for maybe 3-4 hours. And that was only once as i normally only talk to this friend a few times a week online.

My ex-GF told me she didnt have a problem with this at all and even stated she did the same thing herself. So that was perfectly appropriate. It's me not speaking up when the friend started showing the pictures that made her angry, but that would normally just cause her to call me an idiot or jerk, be mad at me for a few days and then make up and carry on together.

Me describing the pictures as "sexy pictures" caused her to decide to break up with me. She believes it means i found the girl sexy, and that would according to her mean i have a sexual interest in the girl, making herself not special to me.

It didnt seem to ring any bells with her when she admitted she has male friends she DOES find sexy but says she doesnt have an interest in and they dont make me any less special.

And as i said, she doesnt believe me about my reasons for telling her about this incident, or believe me when i say i was referring to "sexy pictures" as an overal concept/goal of the pictures insted of the girl itself, or believe that i still find her special and better.

[Troubleshooter]

Well, after no contact for 4,5 hours (which almost never happened during our relationship if we are both online or able to text, we were quite a clingy couple.) i started to talk to some people on my MSN and sent her a message out of habit before realising i was supposed to go LC. Whoops! Stupid! But i suppose not too bad as it's still very LC compared to our usual level of communicating, even past break up.

It was just me mentioning i now figured out where her personal note "Why does it feel like the devil is laughing, leaving me haunted tonight" came from, which was a song by Disturbed that clearly seemed to deal with a failed relationship or being left behind with nothing.

She acknowledged my reply and i was planning on just asking how she was doing and wishing her goodnight. She mentioned she was feeling crap, i asked why and only got a "because" reply. I told her if there were any matters (*) she needs to talk to someone about i would listen and that i didnt abandon her or anything, just backing off. 5 minutes later she went offline to bed. The past days/week she usually replied with "good" or "ok" if i ask how she's doing, so that combined with the song she's referring to in her MSN note makes me think she might feel abandoned or has lost me, or is going to lose me completely, or in worst case she feels this "proves" she isnt special.


(*) Before anyone mentions this would be bad for a LC situation, please note that she's suffering from several mental issues including a heavy depression. The night she broke up with me she self-harmed herself afterwards in agony over the thought of losing me completely and even had written a suicide note but she destroyed it quickly as she has learned enough of her mental issues to know it is just an illness causing her to want to hurt/kill herself. I care about this woman and do not want her to walk around with something that could cause her harm because she thinks she is not 'allowed' to tell me.

[Troubleshooter]

Damn, i'm falling apart here. A sad song that she once sent me, because she missed me, played on my iTunes, hadnt heard the song at all since she sent it to me 2,5 years ago. Before i could turn it off i suddenly started crying like some sappy emo 14 year old who got dumped by his first girlfriend, wishing he could turn back time to fix things before it was too late, or grab a sword, fight through hell and back to prove my worth to her. Stupid stuff....but right now that's what i want to do. I guess that's part of the process.

In my 28 years i havent had a heartache this bad, and i had quite a few as i always seem to get friendszoned, cheated on or used till something better comes along. She was different, she really love(s/d) me and made me feel like i hit the jackpot in terms of her sweet personality, her dedication to me/us the past years, her amazing looks and skills, and her intelligence. Sure, she had flaws, so do i of course, but after 3,5 years of first meeting her, i still believe she was/is worth the effort. And i really really really want her back.

[Wakeup]

Before anyone mentions this would be bad for a LC situation, please note that she's suffering from several mental issues including a heavy depression. The night she broke up with me she self-harmed herself afterwards in agony over the thought of losing me completely

so let me get this straight: She breaks up with you and then self-harms because she's afraid she'll never see you again. Is that right?

If it is, you clearly have some issues of your own if you'd stick around for more of that kind of mind fk. You are'nt married or living with this girl so I suggest you take advantage of the fact that you are not obligated to her in anyway and totally break up with her.

This is your chance to get away and have a normal and functional, happy relationship with someone sane. Leave and don't look back. If you stay with her you will be forever jumping through her mentally induced hoops until she steals your joy and motivation.

[Troubleshooter]

She was mostly afraid id completely dissapear from her life by not wanting to stay friends. Me going LC since last night might actually brought those fears back but she needs to either get over her bruised ego of me finding other girls good looking (or sexy as she thinks) , or she'll indeed lose me forever and her being depressed isnt going to stop that.

Fortunately she is recieving help for her mental issues, and they have not affected our relationship aside from a few minor arguments and a short 3 week break 1,5 year ago.

I'm going to keep the LC up, and see if she snaps out of it or not. If she does and comes back to want to talk about fixing things im willing to give her another chance. If these little things prevent her from doing that, then i fear for whatever relationships she will attempt to have after me.

There are more reasons why she broke up btw though none directly related to her feelings for me. She feels guilty about some of her issues making her depressed and need more support than the average girl, and how she really wants to move back to her hometown once she's done with her university course in a few years. So that would require me to uproot myself and move to her side of the country. And she feels guilty about that as she sees herself not able to be happy living anywhere else. Infact, living on campus away from her family for a few years is hard enough for her, hench the large amount of trips she makes in weekends back to her home.

This female friend incident just makes her think she's not special enough to be worth all the fuss and when she broke up with me she literally stated i would be better off if i dated this female friend as it would be easier for me.

[searock]

So... she broke up with you because she doesn't feel worthy of having you as her boyfriend. That sucks. I really don't know what you could do, cause if you show her how much you care for her, she may just think "See? He really is too good for me, I don't deserve such a wonderful guy, (etc)", and if you don't, she may think something like "I knew it, I'm worthless, of course he's better off without me, I did the right thing letting him free, (etc)". It's not really about her feelings towards you, as they are towards herself. So you just do what you feel like doing, trying not to think about what would make her "change her mind" or anything. Just do what comes natural to you and what you feel is right.

Oh, and I don't think that the fact that you are in love with a person who has psychological issues must mean that you have psychological issues as well.

[Troubleshooter]

Oh, and I don't think that the fact that you are in love with a person who has psychological issues must mean that you have psychological issues as well.

True, though in my case it's accurate, as im schizo as heck! But that's ok, we are having lots of fun in my head, weeeee! (Nah just joking)

Also, her mental issues are not one of her defining characteristics. That would be like saying you do not want to date a woman because she has a scar on her face. Her scars are mental, but aside from this they never caused any stress for me, i always let her figure it out and just be there for her when she needs support or just a hug.

[Wakeup]

Oh, and I don't think that the fact that you are in love with a person who has psychological issues must mean that you have psychological issues as well.

True, though in my case it's accurate, as im schizo as heck! But that's ok, we are having lots of fun in my head, weeeee! (Nah just joking)

You may not be schizo but you certainly appear to be codependent as heck. Read up on it and educate yourself. It may give you the strength to get while the getting is good. You'll be jumping through these hoops she puts before you for the rest of your life if you stay with her. Falling in love with someone with psychological issues does not make one issued, staying with one that treats you badly and makes you suffer along with them would certainly qualify though.

The therapy will help with your low self-esteem as well so that you don't keep settling and trying to stay with woman that are'nt the right match for you, treat you badly (while you stay) until they tire of it and then leave you or cheat or whatever it is that has happened to you in your past relationships. When you are of a healthy self-worth you leave them when they're showing you bad behaviour BEFORE you fall in love with them because you don't ignore red flag behaviour in hopes it will disappear.

[Troubleshooter]

You may not be schizo but you certainly appear to be codependent as heck. Read up on it and educate yourself. It may give you the strength to get while the getting is good. You'll be jumping through these hoops she puts before you for the rest of your life if you stay with her. Falling in love with someone with psychological issues does not make one issued, staying with one that treats you badly and makes you suffer along with them would certainly qualify though.

The therapy will help with your low self-esteem as well so that you don't keep settling and trying to stay with woman that are'nt the right match for you, treat you badly (while you stay) until they tire of it and then leave you or cheat or whatever it is that has happened to you in your past relationships. When you are of a healthy self-worth you leave them when they're showing you bad behaviour BEFORE you fall in love with them because you don't ignore red flag behaviour in hopes it will disappear.

What low self esteem? Wow, [url=http://www.jumptoconclusions.com]jumptoconclusions.com[/url] is getting lots of hits lately it seems.