mistake of hooking up with a colleague...HELP!

[fluffyfluffy]

So, I made the ultimate mistake and hooked up with someone at work. We continued to drunkenly hook up for a good few months and kept it private. But then things started to get a little more serious. We were seeing each other outside of work and agreed we had feelings for each other. We started to talk about being exclusive (but never making a final decision), agreed that we'd need to stop sleeping together and go for it properly. We talked openly and it was great.

Then, things were a bit up in the air, and I went on a long (pre planned) vacation. There was no contact. When I came back the contact was just not as much as it had been. A few weeks after coming back I found out he'd been seeing other people which, although he's a free man blah blah blah, really hurt me. So I decided to just cool things off completely, he wasn't initiating contact anymore anyway, so I stopped talking to him unless it was about work and acted like nothing had happened, even though I was devastated.

Then, a couple more weeks on, we're out at work drinks and he butted into a conversation and said something obviously undermining and belligerent. Everyone was taken aback so it wasn't just me being sensitive! So I was like okaaaaaaay, held my tongue and just kept out of his way. Fast forward to later in the night and he corners me. We have an intense conversation about how he hates it when I ignore him and how he "doesn't know what changed". I was furious so left.

The next day we're at another work event, he's pleads with me that I come out with him away from colleagues. I agree...hoping we could talk soberly and draw a line under everything. I tell him I know about him seeing other people. It gets a little heated, I'm upset and we kiss and we're walking home but then decides he'd rather go home and drink by himself.

The next day I ring him and demand we talk sober so we can just get some clear cut agreement. He agrees but then it just never happens. I don't want to look crazy and force him into talking to me but what can I do?

I know that I should just stop sleeping with him and remove myself from situations where we'll be socializing together where possible, but he is now purposely involving himself with work projects that I'm on and making excuses to talk to me about trivial work related things. This job is so important to me and so is the social aspect, I feel like such an idiot for getting involved with him.

But what do I do now? I have a lot of feelings for him but I don't want to just be an option when he's drunk or thinks I'm ignoring him. I don't understand what he wants and it's really hurtful. What do I do?

[michelle23]

Cut him off completely. If he wants a relationship with you-hes gonna have to prove it by coming to you and initiating the "couple/exclusivity" talk.

It does sound like you were just sex to him so i wouldnt get my hopes up. He sounds likr a cunt...

[VerticalMoon]

I'd try asking him why he keeps wanting to work on all of the same projects as you. If he can't give a good answer, then tell him he needs to stop. Threaten that you'll have to go to human resources or speak to management if he continues. Then if he still continues, I would speak to either somebody higher up that you're comfortable with, or if there's no one like that, then speak to somebody in human resources. They should be able to intercede so that the two of you don't end up on the same projects any more than necessary.

[Wakeup]

I don't understand why you two never seem to end a conversation or resolve anything? Why don't you just go up to him at work, when he is sober and there are no other coworkers around and ask him what he wants to do about the current situation? You are devestated and you want to be with him but you don't just tell him that, why?

It does sound like you want more then he does because the minute you started talking about making is less about sex and more about feelings, the dynamics changed. Why not talk to him and tell him that you are too emotionally involved with him to be with him only for sex while he dates others and if he isn't feeling he wants to be exclusive with you, then please let you know and to please leave you alone if that's the case.

Honest open communicate will go a long way in you getting what you want or helping you to heal if he doesn't want to give you what you want.

I dunno, it's up to you of course, OP.... but personally I can't see where telling HR about this(at this point since you've not even discussed trying to resolve this to him) or you acting like you don't give a shit can help you at all.

[anonymous_a]

Booty call. Move on.

[lalalita]

Yep, cut him off. Be civil at work.

[horndog]

So, I made the ultimate mistake and hooked up with someone at work. We continued to drunkenly hook up for a good few months and kept it private. But then things started to get a little more serious. We were seeing each other outside of work and agreed we had feelings for each other. We started to talk about being exclusive (but never making a final decision), agreed that we'd need to stop sleeping together and go for it properly. We talked openly and it was great.

Then, things were a bit up in the air, and I went on a long (pre planned) vacation. There was no contact. When I came back the contact was just not as much as it had been. A few weeks after coming back I found out he'd been seeing other people which, although he's a free man blah blah blah, really hurt me. So I decided to just cool things off completely, he wasn't initiating contact anymore anyway, so I stopped talking to him unless it was about work and acted like nothing had happened, even though I was devastated.

Then, a couple more weeks on, we're out at work drinks and he butted into a conversation and said something obviously undermining and belligerent. Everyone was taken aback so it wasn't just me being sensitive! So I was like okaaaaaaay, held my tongue and just kept out of his way. Fast forward to later in the night and he corners me. We have an intense conversation about how he hates it when I ignore him and how he "doesn't know what changed". I was furious so left.

The next day we're at another work event, he's pleads with me that I come out with him away from colleagues. I agree...hoping we could talk soberly and draw a line under everything. I tell him I know about him seeing other people. It gets a little heated, I'm upset and we kiss and we're walking home but then decides he'd rather go home and drink by himself.

The next day I ring him and demand we talk sober so we can just get some clear cut agreement. He agrees but then it just never happens. I don't want to look crazy and force him into talking to me but what can I do?

I know that I should just stop sleeping with him and remove myself from situations where we'll be socializing together where possible, but he is now purposely involving himself with work projects that I'm on and making excuses to talk to me about trivial work related things. This job is so important to me and so is the social aspect, I feel like such an idiot for getting involved with him.

But what do I do now? I have a lot of feelings for him but I don't want to just be an option when he's drunk or thinks I'm ignoring him. I don't understand what he wants and it's really hurtful. What do I do?

This thread is a fabrication by another very frequent visitor of this site. People here in the states don't have "colleagues", we have co-workers. We also do not "ring" people, we call them. Just saying. Sounds a bit Irish to me. Sounds like we have a troll.

Sometimes I get the distinct feeling that the majority of the people posting here are actually the same lonely pathetic person dreaming up relationship problems so they can respond back to them to make themselves look sooo smart. LOL

[lalalita]

This thread is a fabrication by another very frequent visitor of this site. People here in the states don't have "colleagues", we have co-workers. We also do not "ring" people, we call them. Just saying. Sounds a bit Irish to me. Sounds like we have a troll.

Sometimes I get the distinct feeling that the majority of the people posting here are actually the same lonely pathetic person dreaming up relationship problems so they can respond back to them to make themselves look sooo smart. LOL

I say colleagues sometimes.

[anonymous_a]

I say colleagues sometimes.

So do I.....

[fluffyfluffy]

I am actually an expat, hence why I stressed the social aspect of this job is very important to me because I don't have many friends outside of it since moving, of course I'm lonely. Also why I turned to a forum to get advice instead of burning anymore bridges.

How sad and paranoid that rather than give sincere advice you're being accusatory.

Thanks for all the other answers though!

[Wakeup]

That aside, what do you plan on doing? (its odd that you only came back to scold the one off topic post and not comment anywhere else)

Are you going to actually have an adult conversation with him until you are both satisfied that its either over completely or its on with commitment? Or are you just going to go away like a scolded dog and not say another word to him while he continues to give you mixed messages?

Like I said, you've never finished an actual conversation with this man?