Need some major advice

[cap]

Hi,

I 'm into a relationship for the last 10 years. We had a nice time but also had our share of fights.From the last 2.5 years my girlfriend now Fiancee as I'm engaged to her in 2007, says that we are not compatiable in certain aspects of life.I had to go to Uk for some official work for time to time as I'm a computer professional, last time in 2008 when I came back we had a massive fight and she was completely detached from me.She wanted me to give her some time as she thinks that I'm short tempered, aggressive and too possessive and she is not ready for marriage.I gave her time but I was down and out , felt very low, had no outlet to discuss and had also lost my self esteem as well.I promised her to give me time and I will overcome all of these in a yr. Our relationship was in a mess totally and in about 1.5 yrs I overcome all the issues she had. I had completely changed myself and was a completely different personality.Things were going good and even she really appreciated my efforts. Last week when I asked her about marriage, she said she is not ready and said she really loves me but is of the opinion that we stil llack that understanding required for marriage. I told her that I cannot change myself any more and its upto her to call for a decision. She said she need 1 month and will stay away from me, will not talk and see each other. I feel sad after doing so much she still finds some gaps in me. We sms each other but its been 2 weeks we have nt seen each other. I dont know after one month she says that we are not compatiable for marriage.Our families are very close too each other. Pls help what do I do.Should I give her time or what do I do ? Pls help friends. Your thoughts are really appreacited.

[Albinoni]

Wow why is it after 10yrs she's telling you that your we're not compatible, would of thought after 1 yr or even say 6months or so you both would know, but after 10 yrs sound a bit harsh.

[mrszeus]

Hi Cap,

It seems like you're really trying your best when it comes to your relationship. Of course, nothing is black-and-white, and without knowing more details it's hard to give you a better advice - but it does seem a little bit odd that your fiancee is constantly trying almost to get away from you. You've been together for 10 years and that's a lot. It really is. After being together for so long, she should know whether she wants to spend the rest of her life with you or move on.

My advice would be to have an honest conversation about your future together. If she doesn't know what to do after being with you for 10 long years, what makes you think that she'd change her mind in another 5 years? It's a tough decision, but I believe it's the best one.

A healthy, strong relationship needs to be a two-way street. You should both be equally engaged, supporting and loving each other no matter what. From your post, it sounds like you're the one giving your best (changing yourself, trying hard etc.), while she's taking her time figuring what to do with you.

Sorry for not bringing you better news. I wish you good luck because you deserve much better!

[kitkitkitty]

you've been together for so long that you're bound to find faults in each other. she may think she knows you TOO well and wants to still have that spark if you guys end up getting married and time apart to realize that she misses you could be what she's looking for. you need to respect her needing space and you're half way there, you may as well go the whole distance.

[Lite]

I dont know after one month she says that we are not compatiable for marriage.

After 10 years you know if you want to marry someone. Hell you know after about 6 months (even if you're not ready to marry someone you know if they're a good fit for you)...

If I were in your shoes I would thank her for her honesty and then break up with her. I'm not you, and you're not me. She's going to come back in a month and tell you that she's found someone else. She's not going to marry you for any reason you want her to marry you for. Either she knows by now or she doesn't, and really you deserve better than that in your life. I know it's not what you want to hear, and that it's generally heartbreaking. For that I am sorry. Your relationship with her, regardless of who has issues about what, does not sound healthy. Take the effort you've put into bettering yourself, continue it, expand upon it, and find someone that you deserve.

People like to drag things out hoping to not hurt the other person. If they truly cared about the person and weren't so caught up in avoiding their own emotional pain over hurting their partner, they'd just break up with them. Let the other person move on with their life. It's far more selfish to just keep dangling people on a line.

Let's say she comes back in 1 month and says yes. What then? Are you easily able to get over the fact that when you asked her she was unable to give you an answer for a month, or over years?

It's a tough call, but I'd move on. You need to change yourself for you, because you want to, not because you want to be someone that someone else other than yourself can love.