Still Waiting

[ChristianonLI]

So it's now been one year, two months and 13 days since my wife left me forever. As it stands right now her new boyfriend, whom she has only been dating four months, proposed marriage to her on Christmas Day. A man who has two good jobs, owns a home and is capable of affording all the amenities of middle class life without care. A man who is able to pay for everything she could possibly ever need in life and thus be the man for her that I never could be. So while I sit here miserable, lonely and hoping to smoke myself into stage 4 cancer by tomorrow she's out happier with her life than she has ever been before. Happy that she has a "better" man and that she is now living the life she feels she deserves.

Just the thought of her happiness fills me with an immeasurable amount of anger. I am still in love with her. She destroyed my life and all my dreams of happiness but I still love her and I am still waiting. I am not even trying to wait. I have attempted to form relationships with several women this year but when it comes time to be intimate all those latent feelings about my relationship with my former wife creep up and ruin everything. Just a month ago it happened again and after that I came to the conclusion I truly can never date again. Being so financially destitute and so boring all am able to attract are desperate/ugly/obese women. You know, the kind of woman who knows she can never attract a successful and financially stable man so they take whatever comes their way.

My former wife was my last chance at happiness. In spite of my low paying job, in spite of my lack of interesting hobbies or conversation and in spite of my less than appealing looks she still fell in love with me and still wanted to marry me. But because I never realized how fine a line I was toeing I never hung on tight enough and I lost her. How could I ever find that again? She was, quite literally, the best I could ever get considering my financial situation and all others that might have any interest in me have all been inferior and unless I hit the lottery tomorrow the desperate/ugly/obese are all I will ever be able to get and I refuse to settle on that. I will not be "the next best thing".

So here I am, over a year into being single and still as terribly miserable as I was the day she packed her things and left me. And whether I like it or not I am still waiting for her to come to her senses and return to fill the empty void in my soul that she created when she got that wild hair up her ass that I was suddenly not good enough for her when for so long I was. I had decided back then she was the only one for me. She was the first woman who ever loved me and because of that it proved she was the only one who ever could. If she wasn't the only one who ever could then surely there would have been a woman before her. But there never was. She was the first and now, whether I like it or not, she is the last.

[twinrexes]

" And whether I like it or not I am still waiting for her to come to her senses and return to fill the empty void in my soul that she created when she got that wild hair up her ass that I was suddenly not good enough for her when for so long I was. "

Wild hair up her ass? You say over and over that you are financially destitute and boring. That only one person could ever love you (her). If that's the way you feel about yourself, why would she want to stay? Why would anyone except the other desperate people out there? Of course you're attracting only "desperate/ugly/obese" women.

Try becoming the kind of guy you'd want to date if you were a chick. Get pumped up at the gym. Quit smoking. Set a lofty goal for yourself and go after it. Who cares about the income for now, you can fix that later. First work on your attitude. Decide there's a nice, attractive woman out there who would be lucky to have you and you will find one. Decide you're worthless and of course that's what you are. We are what we think about.

[sookie6]

One year has gone by and still you are dwelling and dwelling again, making someone else entirely responsible for your happiness/unhappiness..

Your ex is not a saint...if she can share her life with someone happier, better off and more stable she will...

And please stop looking down on what you call 'ugly/obese' women because they have feelings too and deserve to love and to be loved as much as anyone.

[Take2]

You are not willing to "settle" when choosing a mate, that's cool. But, if you have such high standards for others, why is it OK for you to have such low standards for yourself? I mean, it seems like you have settled big-time in choosing who YOU will be. You sound unhappy about the fact that you smoke, your looks, your lack of hobbies and conversation skills and your job. So DO something about it-stop smoking, clean up your look, exercise and eat healthy, join Toastmasters and pick at least one other hobby to pursue, start looking for a more fulfilling career opportunity. You are putting the cart before the horse, worrying about who would be attracted to you when you are clearly not ready to date, Just focus on being a better person for YOUR sake, the rest will follow.

[ChristianonLI]

I apologize, Sookie. However, I view things in a certain way that seem to have me inexorably placed in a position of failure. You see, the level of physical beauty in a woman is directly relative to a man's income. The more money a man makes = the wider range of women who will want to be with him. The less money a man makes, the fewer the range of women who will consider him a worthy venture. At some point a man's income can get so low that he is incapable of attracting any woman who even comes close to society's standards of beauty. Sure, there are deviations from the norm, it does happen quite often because no closed system is perfect and there will always be anomalies that go against the grain. My former wife was just such an anomaly.

My problem is women are not required in society to achieve anything to get the man they feel they deserve. Men, however, are absolutely required to achieve, to succeed and to be motivated. My former wife just came to the conclusion she deserved better and proceeded to go out and get it instead of being happy with what fate and the universe gave her. I find this repugnant and insulting. I did nothing wrong except not be successful enough for her delusional beliefs of entitlement.

But back to the math portion of the post. The beauty of a woman exists as a direct relation to a man's financial income. Currently my income is so low that I am incapable of attracting a woman that I find even remotely attractive. This doesn't mean they aren't attractive overall in the world. They just aren't attractive to me and I have discovered I cannot even feign interest just to get sex. It doesn't work. I've never been out for a quick lay and I never can be, but I will never ever find a worthy mate in my current state again. My former wife was, according to the rule I listed above, the one and only anomaly in that otherwise closed and logical system.

[Take2]

Seriously? You believe that all women are the same and that a woman's happiness is fully dependant the financial contribution of her man. You view this as a law, and yet you find it repugnant and insulting that your wife followed this law? If you find your wife's actions repugnant and insulting, they must not be the norm, in which case it isn't a closed system with one law as you stated. Which means that if you get off your self-pitying butt and do something about it, you can find a good woman for yourself.

Also, fate and the universe delat you to your wife, and vice versa? That kind of fatalistic thinking is self-destructive. You and your wife found each other and connected. She left and you are wallowing in self-pity and self-hate and would rather believe it is hopeless than do the work to make it work. Don't go blaming the universe or fate for your mess, get out there and change it!

[BeingAlpha]

Dude.. first - your attitude is horrible so I could see why people with similar attitudes would be the only ones that want to be around you. As for the comment about men who are wealthy having access to more "beautiful" women -- you think people can figure out if you make 50k or 150k at first glance at a bar, club, on the bus, subway etc..?? Not really.

As far as your ex-wife being happy -- she deserves to be happy, YOU deserve to be happy. Its been over a year -- she is not coming back; accept that.

First things first is to get out there and change your happiness level with yourself. Until you feel good about YOU no one else will. You definitely have an external locust of control, relying on others to determine/affirm your self worth. I do too sometimes ..we both need to change that. Start with self-affirmation telling yourself that you got your ex-wife because you deserved her. It happened once, why wouldn't it happen again?

[ChristianonLI]

I have just had difficulty really accepting what happened. I am certainly in a more somber and measured frame of mind now than I was in the beginning and for the months that followed. I made more than my fair share of ill advised and insane threads and response posts on this forum regarding the situation. The majority of the advice has been intelligent and much appreciated but something within me says that to just accept it, move on and admit I wasn't the right person for her would be an affront to my dignity. It is not right to marry someone and then, after three months, leave them over trivial matters that any other couple would make the effort to rectify. Which is exactly what she did. I was given 90 days. I was asked to make major changes to my life after just ONE month, changes I wasn't aware she had a problem with and changes I made a diligent effort to make and largely had succeeded in doing. She asked I quit smoking. I got Chantix and did. She asked I work on getting healthy. I got a gym membership and started going 2-3 times a week. She asked I play less video games. I cut down drastically. I made tons of time to spend the evenings with her doing all the things SHE wanted to do which mostly consisted of sitting around and watching baseball, football and stupid reality shows (all of which I despise greatly). It should have been enough but for whatever reason...it wasn't.

And for that, a small part of me still feels entitled to revenge. Not the whole "go out and make yourself better" revenge because that's sort of silly. She's not going to care if I become successful. All she cares about is that she got away from the wrong man and is now with the right man. And that there....that alone is what angers me the most, that she regards her past with me as wrong and her present with someone else as right. Her happiness now makes me miserable and the only thing that could ever make me happy again is to know she is equally miserable. Unfortunately there is nothing I could ever do to inflict that misery upon her. She won and I lost. I wasn't good enough but now she, with no education and no direction in life, still has someone she as an American woman is deluded into believing she deserves. But I'm still the one who is expected to make something better of myself in order to find someone. How is that fair?

[Raze]

Wow, haven't you learned that life isn't fair? REALITY CHECK!

[thundersw]

So while I sit here miserable, lonely and hoping to smoke myself into stage 4 cancer...

Haha. That made me laugh, I've red your post and yeah it sucks when you have a crappy job and a crappy paycheck and all you can give to a woman is your utmost love that all crave for. But that is not enough now is it?
A woman that really loves you would starve to death with you (altough I doubt any of them would do it). All of them have that luxury need of a big house, a lot of money and a life other women envy of hypocrisy. The man doesn't matter, you can be the greatest prick on earth as long as you have lots of $$$.
Slowly get over it, immerse yourself in your hobbys and struggle to get a better job and hopefully your life will get on the right path.

[Take2]

She won and I lost. I wasn't good enough but now she, with no education and no direction in life, still has someone she as an American woman is deluded into believing she deserves. But I'm still the one who is expected to make something better of myself in order to find someone. How is that fair?

So...twisted...hurts my head.

She didn't win and you didn't lose, as it wasn't a competition! She didn't feel you were the one for her, that is not a judgement of your objective value and right for one person is wrong for another. Education and direction in life don't determine whether someone will love you, they are irrelevant here. Again, it isn't a competition. Any person who is in a bad place and unhappy should make something better of themselves. Not to win the right to a romance, but to claim your existing right to make yourself happy and fulfilled. The romantic prospects improving is just a side-effect.

[sookie6]

I think you should watch a movie called 'My name is Joe' directed by Ken Loach...it's really an uncomplicated story about people who don't come with the easiest baggage but manage to remain kind hearted and above all to love life and enjoy it the best they can..
There is a touching love story between a former alcoholic and a social worker..it's very much about how everybody with the right attitude can attract the purest kinda of love from a woman whatver their background/past or bank account...

[Dean Kaplan]

Does your insurance cover therapy or counseling? I believe it would be very helpful for you, to help you pull yourself together. Please don't mistake my tone as making fun of you or anything like that. I truly believe that once you get your mind together, you'll be in a much better place to find a new love.

You sound very self-defeating, and sound as if you have low self confidence. See if you can get some therapy in to up-root those beliefs so that you can enjoy your life.

[ChristianonLI]

It's going to sound childish but I don't believe I need therapy. I just need to be right. And by right I mean my choice of my former wife as my soulmate. By right I mean the decision to marry her and plan a life of children and wedded bliss. The single thing that angers me the most about this is that she is happy without me. By being happy without me she is saying without words I wasn't good enough for her and that she found someone she regards as better. She is the one who is supposed to be alone and miserable, not me. She left me. She broke our vows and therefore she should be the one paying the consequences of such deceit, not me. In all this I am the victim yet because I am a man and not a woman I am the one who is required to become something better than what I am instead of just being good, honest and faithful. She wanted a man who was motivated and successful in life, not a man who is good at heart and devoted. Yet we are all told from day one that all we have to be is those things I was and still am to find true love. But it's a lie. Whether they admit it or not women just want a man who has enough money to support them so they can pop kids out and not be in the poor house. Look how many women stay with horrible, violent, cheating men because they are able to provide financially and then look how many good, honest and caring men are left by the wayside because they are poor or unsuccessful. I shouldn't have to work so hard just to achieve something as a prerequisite to acquiring love. Just by being me and me alone I should be able to find true love, but that is not the case. That will never be the case. And for this, I pray every day that my ex is punished horribly for leaving me. I pray that her soon to be new husband turns out to be abusive or cheats on her constantly or that she ends up infertile (considering how adamant she always was about having children). Something, anything. I want and need her to be miserable so that I might restart my life. By her being happy and me being miserable she has won and I have lost. I don't want to live the rest of my life as a mistake in her past. That just cannot be. I decided she was the one for me. It doesn't matter by what logic I decided it. Everyone determines their own reality in their own way and that thus becomes fact. Therefore this reality I now live in has to be false. Or at least a terrible nightmare I've yet to wake up from.

[Take2]

It's going to sound childish but I don't believe I need therapy. I just need to be right. And by right I mean my choice of my former wife as my soulmate. By right I mean the decision to marry her and plan a life of children and wedded bliss.

Well, yeah, of course it sounds childish because it IS childish. Seriously? Accepting you might have been wrong about your wife as your one true soulmate is the path to future HAPPINESS, dude. Sulking in a corner won't make you any happier than it makes my preschool son. And when he gives up the corner and moves on, he realizes that marshmallows for breakfast isn't really the ONLY thing that could ever have made him happy. He's actually pretty fond of some acceptable breakfast foods he does have access to. And life goes on. As will yours once you give up the pout.

The single thing that angers me the most about this is that she is happy without me. By being happy without me she is saying without words I wasn't good enough for her and that she found someone she regards as better. She is the one who is supposed to be alone and miserable, not me. She left me. She broke our vows and therefore she should be the one paying the consequences of such deceit, not me.

You're a bit self-centered, huh? her life isn't saying jack about you, dude. Her life is just her life. Make YOUR life about you, hers just is what it is.

In all this I am the victim yet because I am a man and not a woman I am the one who is required to become something better than what I am instead of just being good, honest and faithful. She wanted a man who was motivated and successful in life, not a man who is good at heart and devoted. Yet we are all told from day one that all we have to be is those things I was and still am to find true love. But it's a lie. Whether they admit it or not women just want a man who has enough money to support them so they can pop kids out and not be in the poor house. Look how many women stay with horrible, violent, cheating men because they are able to provide financially and then look how many good, honest and caring men are left by the wayside because they are poor or unsuccessful. I shouldn't have to work so hard just to achieve something as a prerequisite to acquiring love. Just by being me and me alone I should be able to find true love, but that is not the case. That will never be the case. And for this, I pray every day that my ex is punished horribly for leaving me. I pray that her soon to be new husband turns out to be abusive or cheats on her constantly or that she ends up infertile (considering how adamant she always was about having children). Something, anything. I want and need her to be miserable so that I might restart my life. By her being happy and me being miserable she has won and I have lost. I don't want to live the rest of my life as a mistake in her past. That just cannot be. I decided she was the one for me. It doesn't matter by what logic I decided it. Everyone determines their own reality in their own way and that thus becomes fact. Therefore this reality I now live in has to be false. Or at least a terrible nightmare I've yet to wake up from.

Oh come on! I am a woman, and my ex left me even though I was good and honest and faithful. In my story, I was the one who had to become something better while he waltzed off with his new love. Insult to injury in my story the new love is not prettier or smarter or richer or nicer than me-she just isn't me and that is enough for him. It's not like every love gone wrong follows your precise pattern. Men leave women, women leave men, the ones who leave feel they need something better and the ones left behind have to put on their big-boy or big-girl underwear and get over it because life is like that, sometimes. And sonetimes, the one who left gets theirs in the end, karma's a bitch and the one who is left gets the last laugh. And sometimes that doesn't happen at all, the one who left us high and dry and hurting lives happily ever after and it isn't fair, or even close. Which is why the best revenge is a well-lived life. Because at the end of the day, YOU are the only person whose life you get any say over. Make it spectacular, do it for revenge at first and eventually you can do it just because having a spectacular life feels damn good, as it turns out.